1.25.2008

Random hyperactive thoughts...

I had the pleasure of going to our local mall today to return some clothes that my daughter didn't like. As usual, there were lots whack jobs hanging around. The closest mall to me really stinks, which is probably a good thing.

I love getting a good massage, but I can think of nothing worse than sitting face down in the middle of the mall getting one of those 15 minute massages. I would be worried someone was rifling through my purse or looking at my butt crack. And the people giving the massages look like Quasimodo.

Speaking of the mall. I don't know about you, but here in Jersey we have this line of kiosks with these really pushy people who literally HARASS you when you try to get to Old Navy. If you're with your kids they tell you how GORGEOUS your children are and how if you give them $800 you can get your child in commercials. Then the Dead Sea something or other guy charges towards me BEGGING to buff my nails. Just as I manage to fight the nail buffer off, some dude with a microwavable herbal stress relief cushion tries to accost me and put it on my neck. I dodge and weave leaving him in the dust, only to be attacked my the flat iron guy who wants to curl my hair into Shirley Temple ringlets and then sell me a $150 ceramic hair tool.

I finally make it past all these pushy obnoxious sales people and end up walking past the window of Hot Topic which is filled with t-shirts that depict people with severe head injuries. WTF!!!???

The only good thing about this experience is I'm anxious to get the hell out of the mall, thus reducing my financial output.

So, I go home to my dogs, and watch them mount each other attempting to establish an "alpha dog." I don't know which is worse. The mall guys or my pets.

Such is the life of a New Jersey housewife. It's really NOT as glamorous as it looks.


21 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

Haha - that second paragraph is hysterical!

Jaina said...

Good grief. I vote you soak in a hot bubble bath with a glass of wine.

preppyplayer said...

SO TRUE. Whenever we walk by I tell my kids,
:Do NOT make eye contact!" I live in northern NJ, the mall capital of the east. Sometimes I drive 45 minutes away just to go to the Short Hills Mall ( an amazingly civilized, over priced place,)
Or, I go over the border to Woodbury Commons, the outlet destination of every foreign visitor in the East.
let's put it this way, they have announcements in 6 different languages. But, there- it is less mobbed and crazed. OMG! I am already feeling this way... and the season is just beginning!

SalPal1017 said...

When the annoying hair & nail people say "Can I ask you a question?", my standard reply is "You already did". Usually leaves them speechless.

Tara R. said...

Ohhhh... I can't stand those nail-buffing freaks, very scary. I can't stand going to the mall, PERIOD.

Braja said...

The thing I hated most about America was its malls. Terrifying places, like the Addams family on crack...

Mrs.D said...

Ahhh... so thankful to live in the boring, rural midwest now. It's enjoyable going to our mall.

The Chic Chauffeur said...

We have the same crazies here in Kansas. Why, why, why? would I let some stranger, with a flat iron that has touched who knows what?? (hello?? Lice???), give me a new do? Yuckers!

I just try to stick in the wing that has the Nordstrom in it as much as possible, and then my world is zen.

Lisa said...

I am cracking up at this post. I am a sucker that bought a Nature's creations body pack set at the mall the other day right from a 21 year old used car salesman. I wanted what he was selling but couldn't wait to get away from him. You gotta love the cheesey Jersey malls!

Maureen said...

When we go to our "not so great" mall, my husband automatically gravitates to those massage people. It's freaky.

I'm with you. I spend less at that mall.

Maureen said...

When we go to our "not so great" mall, my husband automatically gravitates to those massage people. It's freaky.

I'm with you. I spend less at that mall.

P said...

Hey, you're mall sounds exactly like my mall!

La Petite Redhead said...

Oh lawdy! Your mall is exactly like our mall!

I've trained FGG to walk fast and not make eye contract with these freaks. Otherwise, they'll never leave you alone.

What happened to the days of being able to just enjoy walking through the mall?

jenn said...

Yikes. I am suddenly profoundly grateful that we don't have to Kiosk Harassment Squad at our mall. The worst I get is people trying to convince me to switch cell phone providers.

The dog thing is hysterical!

Pearls To Hide My Neck said...

These people drive me nuts!!! "Excuse me can I show you something" Ugh!!!!
I've taken to walking by acting like I'm on the phone just so they won't bother me. Never thought I'd do that.
Happy Thanksgiving!

HeatherPride said...

Ugh, tis the season, huh?? I have been so good at avoiding malls this year - I suppose this crappy economy is good for something! NOT looking forward to the shopping season, specifically because of the herbal cushion and dead sea salt dudes! Oh, and the cell phone dudes - definitely the worst.

dizzblnd said...

That is a hilarious description of what these obnoxious people get paid to do. One day, I am just going to go up to one (or more) of them and start insisting they look at pictures of my kids!

Vodka Mom said...

I'm allergic to malls.

MommyTime said...

This cracks me up! We have those horrible pushy mall people too. They drive me crazy. I quit going to the mall just because of them. (Well, that and my wallet...) I do find, though, that if you bring along a toddler and POKE it to make it scream just when you come to those people, they leave you alone. I'm only half kidding here. My kids never need poking; they just scream. Try borrowing a toddler next time you need to brave the mall... :)

beach mama said...

ugh! I can NOT stand the 'your kids are so beautiful, I can get them in commercials'. I have the Kid trained. I stop and ask him if he wants to be on tv and he gives a nasty face and says 'no way' they back off pretty quick! LOL!

Brie said...

I hate the mall too... kiosk sales people are maniacs, I almost got taken out by a remote control helicopter today.

I question the sanity of those who enjoy a good mall massage. A "fresh" paper towel over the head rest doesn't feel like quite enough protection for me from the weird slobbery guy who was massaged only seconds ago :) ew!

 
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