More dirt on "The Real Housewives of NYC!!"

After watching her little confrontation with Bethenny, I'm not surprised. She has a screw loose!!

The Real Housewives of New York City's Kelly Bensimon is in trouble! The forty-year-old former model and marathon runner is facing misdemeanor assault charges after she (allegedly) attacked her boyfriend Nick Stefanov.

Reportedly the feisty Kelly gave her boyfriend a black eye and a gash on his left cheek. Stefanov left the apartment and immediately went to the police department to file a report.

NYC Police Department told PEOPLE, "She was arrested on March 5 at 9: 10 a.m. for punching her fiance in the face, and [she] gave him a laceration under his left eye. She was arrested for assault - it's a misdemeanor."

Bensimon's lawyer, Stephen Turano, said she "has entered a plea of not guilty. We are confident that the charges are unfounded and we look forward to a quick resolution."

Some say the couple are engaged, but friends of Kelly's say, not true. "[Stefanov] is claiming that they were engaged, which is delusional. They have been on-and-off for three to three-and-a-half years, and during that time they were exclusive. She was always dating other people."

Pals say Kelly is "upset and embarrassed" by what's happened. She claims Stefanov has tried to contact her since the charges were filed.

Bensimon is due in court March 31. I wonder what her two children (with ex-husband Gilles Bensimon) think of what's happened? She's not sent a very positive message to her children has she? Although - innocent until proven guilty, right?

Real Housewives Newsflash...Thanks Mrs. K!!!

Just got this hot scoop from Connie aka Mrs. K...

Page Six broke the news that Countess LuAnn de Lesseps is now without a Count.

It seems that the Count, who is often overseas without his family for extended periods of time, has hooked up with an Ethiopian woman in Geneva. According to Page Six, the Count broke the news to his Countess of 16 years in an email. A source close to the title-obsessed housewife was quoted as saying, "She got wind he was seeing somebody and he didn't answer her when she called. He finally sent her an e-mail..." Classy!

The couple recently 'celebrated' their 16th wedding anniversary on March 16th, though it's been obvious to close friends that they've lived separate lives for years. But despite their distance, the Countess is said to be "devastated" and totally "blindsided" by the decision to officially separate.

A rep for the Countess, whose book on class and etiquette is due to hit stores next month, told Page Six, "It is obviously a very difficult time for the Countess and Count, but they plan to remain friends and their primary focus will be to do what is best for their two children."

And in case you're wondering, and we know you are, the Countess gets to keep her title - which of course is Countess. As in Countess LuAnn de Lesseps. The Countess. Not "Duchess LuAnn Chucklespoop" or "Countess LuAnn de Grimaceburglar" as Gawker has mistakenly referred to her in the past. It's Countess LuAnn de Lesseps. And referring to her by any other name would just be wrong and nothing at all to laugh at...or link to.
Source: www.bloghamptons.com


Google Analytics-Part 278

It's that time again...the time when I don't feel like being creative, so I head on over to Google Analytics and see what keywords have led web surfers to my humble little blog.

Here are the latest:

Simon's banana sling

Wrinkly old men body pictures

Seduce pizza guy

blackhead squeezer

caffeine makes you horny

gluttony pig
Kelly Ripa's ass

and last but not least

reverse testicle shrinkage!!!

So, if you ever need to learn about how to seduce a pizza guy wearing a banana sling with reverse testicle shrinkage, just head on over to Caffeine Court. I'm here to help.

Trust me...

The season premiere of "The Tudors" is one week away. If you don't watch it, you have one week to catch up. Go rent season one. If you have Showtime, watch season two on demand. Trust me, it's a wonderful show that has it all, sex, drama, great looking people and even some hard core violence. PLUS it's educational, because you learn a bit about the reign and marriages of King Henry VIII.

If you DO watch it...the first episode of season three is available on demand. I watched it already, and it rocks.

Carry on.


My blog is SO outed!

It's official. My blog is outed. The locals know about it. My world's have collided.

It's going to take some serious creativity to keep this thing interesting without pissing anyone off.

I have my work cut out for me.

I would like to thank those of you who answered my cry for comments. Like anything else, it's not as much fun when you have to beg for it, but I'll take whatever I can get.

Enjoy your Saturday, I'm going to a fundraiser tonight for my friend's family. As you may or may not remember her husband died in December. It should be a fun way to show our support for an amazing woman. Sad though, Joe will be missed tonight.


One of Life's Great Mysteries...

My blog gets over 6,000 hits a month. So why doesn't anyone comment?

Please comment.

Real Housewives of NYC-Just throwin' it out there...

As usual, there is so much to talk about. It seems the producers of the show have decided to zero in on specific people and spotlight their flaws. The past couple of weeks LuAnn was on the hot seat. Now the focus is on Kelly. In my next post we'll get into that, but right now I'd like to talk about Simon and Alex.

Since the first episode of the show, everyone has made it clear that they think Simon is gay. I have to admit that if we go by stereotypes, he certainly appears that way. He's into fashion and has an effeminate way about him. Here's the thing. Maybe he's not. Or if he is, maybe he doesn't know it, or chooses not to act on it. I have to give the guy some credit, he and Alex seem very happy. They have so much in common! I think they have a very unusual marriage, and it seems codependent, but it works for them.

Out of all the marriages on the show, I would say Ramona and Mario have the most "normal" one. They seem to really like each other. They goof around and have fun. Nothing suspicous here.

Jill's husband Bobby seems like a nice enough guy, but it looks to me that she's in it for the money. He's a sweet man who gives her whatever she wants, but when it comes right down to it, I think she's rather cuddle with her Chihuahua than Bobby.

And then there's LuAnn and the Count. Do they EVER see each other? They seem like a couple that lives completely separate lives. Maybe it works for them, but Simon and Alex appear to have a much more loving relationship than they do.

So what do you think? Is Simon gay? If so, does he know it and chooses not to act on it? Does Alex know he's gay and doesn't care?

Sure our country is in crisis, but let's not worry about that. We need to focus on the important things, like reality TV and the lives of complete strangers.

When I worry about their lives, my own troubles seem to melt away....

(Oh and I'm sure I'll get a note from their lawyers...it seems whenever I put one of their pictures on my blog I get an e-mail asking me to take it down!! Tee hee)

If you want to check out the Mc-Cord/Van Kempen blog...click on the link...


Ye Olde School of Hard Knocks

Meg (my 4th grader) brought home a sheet for social studies all about being a kid in colonial times.

One of the sections was about discipline in the schools.

Here are some of the ways teachers disciplined the kids, way back when. If a child talked too much they would strap a whispering stick in his mouth so you he couldn't talk, or they would clip their noses shut with pinchers. They hung signs around students' necks that said "crybaby" or "lazy." They also made children wear dunce hats.

We were cracking up reading this!

I remember in junior high our Principal had a paddle in his office that he would use on students. We actually had a corporal punishment permission slip sent home to our parents. If they signed it, then our teachers had permission to use physical force to keep us in line.

Fast forward to 2009, things are so politically correct!! I think it would be fun to do a "Colonial Times Day" at school. We could bring in some stockades and yardsticks and instill some old fashioned respect in our kids. Okay, calm down, I'm KIDDING don't you go calling DYFS on me.

But seriously, thank goodness we've moved beyond those days. So far beyond, in fact, that teachers are almost afraid to punish children. My father taught in a public high school and parents would freak out on him if he wanted to penalize their children for not doing their homework. The pendulum has swung in the complete opposite direction from 200 years ago. It seems that the teachers are on trial more than out of control students.

My children are very well behaved in school, but if they ever start acting out I want their teachers to have the authority to discipline them (not physically, of course ) and I want to hear about it. If parents aren't teaching their children how to behave and to complete their assignments they shouldn't complain when the teachers come down on them. They're just doing their job.

What do you think?

Stairway to Stardom (1984) - Lucille Cataldo

Would you let this woman cut your hair???

Shopping Bulimia

Have you ever heard of "shopping bulimia?" I thought I had it because I would often times go on one of my favorite websites, fill my shopping cart with things I love, and never buy them. Now that I've done some research, I think what I have would be described as "shopping constipation."

Shopping bulimia is, in fact, a phenomenon. There are several articles describing it in full detail.

Apparently their are two kinds of "shopping bulimia," one fraudulent and completely dishonest, the other merely annoying to store clerks.

The fraudulent type involves buying an item, or items of clothing for a special occasion, somehow keeping the tag on, or finding a way to reattach it and then returning said item to the store after wearing. I had a friend in high school and a sorority sister who both specialized in this type of scam. I remember feeling a little gypped that they got away with it. I never had the energy or nerve to try it myself. Now that I'm an adult with a fear of a criminal record principles and morals, I'm glad I never partook in this form of thievery. (Man, I'm judgemental!!)

It reminds me a bit of a buddy of mine who would lure me into late night feasts on Lucky Charms cereal, Haagen-Daz Ice-Cream and chocolate chip cookies after a night of heavy drinking. I gained 35 lbs. in a year, while she remained as skinny as a twig. I later discovered that she had bulimia in the true sense of the word. No fair!!! She tried to teach me how to do it, to no avail. I preferred being a size 12 to tasting my beer and Lucky Charms twice in a night! Once again, now that I am an adult with an awareness of the dangers of constant binging and purging, I'm glad I never mastered the art of shoving my first down my throat.

Back to shopping. The second form of shopping bulimia involves buying ungodly amounts of clothing and accessories. (Some people rack up bills of over $25,000 in one outing!) Once the shopping bulimic comes down from the high, she simply returns all the items for a refund. Much to the chagrin of commissioned salespeople.

Since I started my blog, my late night pretend on-line shopping sprees have come to a screeching halt. My e-bay habit has also ended abruptly. (I was a constipated eBayer also!) Now, when the house is quiet and my little ones are fast asleep, I can spend my time sharing the random thoughts and activities that make up my life. I guess you could call it "diarrhea of the keyboard!"


Tennis Tuesday-A Complete Lack of Drama

Since this blog is "officially" about playing tennis while jacked up on caffeine, I figured I'm due for a tennis post.

One of the reasons I haven't posted about tennis lately is the complete lack of drama. It's almost eerie. I'm playing on a USTA mixed doubles team. No practice, I just show up for matches and find out who my partner is. We play, if we win great (and we have been winning, thank goodness.) If we don't win, our captain is cool with it. WEIRD.

I'm on a ladies' USTA team that starts matches the beginning of May. All I know is that I'm playing singles. We might practice here and there, if we feel like it. My captain's philosophy is, "we're all out there to win, but if we don't, no biggie, there are more important things than housewife tennis." FREAKY!!!

Two of the other teams I was asked to join are embroiled in vigorous practice sessions. They all get together for drinks, they are working on forming strong doubles teams and shopping for team uniforms. I see them in groups discussing strategy and I just walk on by. BIZARRE.

It's kind of early to tell, but it's possible that I have finally managed to place myself in a "drama free tennis zone." I feel like a woman who has been in an abusive relationship and is finally dating a nice guy. I keep waiting for a slap in the face. I'm flinching, but all my teammates do is smile at me and say nice things.

Last week one of my tennis friends met my mom and said, "your daughter is a fierce competitor." I'm still mulling over that one. Compliment??? I'll never know. The fact is, I DO like to win. I wonder if my team will have a good record with such a laid back attitude. They're all great players and very cool, so I'm going to give it a shot. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground in the team tennis world. The alternative is a bunch of back biting obsessed nut jobs who love each other when they're up, and throw each other under the bus when they're down.

It's going to be a very interesting, (or hopefully not so interesting) season. Can't wait to see what lengths people will go to to be the #1 team and receive the much coveted "USTA League Champion" vinyl tote bag, covered in blood, sweat and tears.

A while back I asked if anyone was interested in participating in my private tennis blog "Game Set BASH!!" I got a bunch of e-mails requesting invitations, and they all got deleted.

Sorry, I'm a spaz.

If you want an invite, please contact me at jillyou@verizon.net

It's so much fun to vent in a safe place. If you're not a tennis player, you'll still love the stories!

I should have known better...

Than to do a post about E.D.

That's the kind of stuff that gets some pretty unsavory comments on the old blog.

"Live and learn" that's what I always say!

Carry on.


This is NOT for the sqeamish!

Every time I listen to the radio I hear the commercial for Zencore Plus.

Do you know the one I'm talking about? The one with Dr. Richard Sandore, and he talks about POTENT, POWERFUL erections. It's on all the time.Quite frankly, it kind of freaks me out, it's almost like radio porn. And just look at the logo!!! Yowsa.

And did you know that Zencore Plus had Horny Goat Weed for MAXIMUM STIMULATION??? I do...because I hear the radio commercial 50 times a day!!!

And at the end of the commercial, they remind you that SIZE MATTERS...so you can get a BIGGER bottle of Zencore Plus if you call right away.

If you think the commercial is graphic, check out the website. You'll need a cigarette after you go on. Like I said, NOT for the squeamish!

Oh and Mom and Dad, don't even bother calling me...I'm not taking this post down! After all, free speech is guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution. It's my blog and I'll talk about male enhancement supplements if I want to!

Yeah, I know, I'm grounded.


Stuff I'm Groovin' On

LOLLIA-Wish Petite Treat Shea Butter Handcreme (Sugared Pastille)
$7 for the mini size.

My sister turned me on to this stuff. It is the best hand cream EVER and the packaging is so pretty. It makes my hands really soft and it smells heavenly. I got mine at Anthropologie, but you can also go to their website. Seriously, trust me on this one, go right now and buy it...tell them Jill sent you.

on to the next thing I'm groovin' on....

When you get to be "of a certain age" powder blush can age you, so I prefer creams and gels. (They don't get stuck in all those DEEP CREVICES all over my cheeks...)

I love this tint because you can use it on your cheeks AND your lips and it looks really natural, like you just came in from a nice long walk on a crisp fall day!!!

It comes in three gorgeous shades, Beauty Queen, Homecoming Queen and my personal shade, Prom Queen.

$15 at Sephora.

I am not paid for these endorsements...just want you to benefit from all the money I've spent on lotions and potions that I didn't like. Through much trial and error, these products were head and shoulders above the rest. And don't you be whining to me about the recession. I don't wanna here it. These are cheap people. You deserve it AND you'll be stimulating the economy, everybody wins.

Stay tuned for more.


Okay, let's drop the subject and move on...

Okay, so this whole "Tonight Show" business has really got everyone talking.

My husband found this little tidbit on politico.com.:

Obviously not the most important issue of the day, but I think people are misreading Obama's off-color joke. His comment came in response to Leno's sarcastic praise, sounding to me like he was comparing the empty compliment ("That's pretty good, Mr. President") to the "everyone gets a medal just for coming" ethos of the Special Olympics.

In other words, he wasn't saying he's as bad a bowler as a Special Olympian, he was saying Leno's encouragement was as cheerfully hollow as that of a Special Olympics organizer.

This was followed by a barrage of commentary from both liberals and conservatives alike...here are some of the more interesting ones...

So somehow its OK because he was only mocking the sincerity of people who volunteer countless hours work very hard and give so much of themselves to put on the Special Olympics?

This Democrat did not like people busting on the President and she had this to say:

Republicans are soooooooooooo jealous!!!!! President Barack Obama is an amazing leader and you know it!! He actually can do more than one thing at once and it annoys you because your leaders can not. He can go on the tonight show and speak to the American people about what is going on in our country. If you watched you would know he was very serious about it. He made one comment you could jump on and you are off. The thing is this is all Republicans know how to do. You have no solutions to the problems that face our country. All you do is name call. The American people can see through your fake outrage!!


So somehow its OK because he was only mocking the sincerity of people who volunteer countless hours work very hard and give so much of themselves to put on the Special Olympics?

"Right Winger" steps in on the action...

Uh uh...ACORN uh uh...Marxist uh uh...Commie uh uh...Soshulizm! uh uh...Hates America! I'm a mindless, idiot parrot from the paleotithic era and I just can't help myself!

I think you've got the point.

If you want to check out the whole drama head on over to Ben Smith's blog on Politico and read it yourself.

This whole drama takes me back a few months to the fall of 2008. The blog world was buzzing with election drama. Wow, I really miss those days.

Hope you have a great weekend. I think we're going to go bowling.

Harmless quip?

I'm sure by now you've all seen the clip of President Obama on "The Tonight Show" commenting that his bowling "is like Special Olympics or something..."

Was this a momentary lapse of reason? Or does it reveal a very mean spirited and condescending nature?

Tell me what you think...


Mess With the Bull...You Get The Horns-BITCH.

Yesterday, my 9 year old daughter Meg got paired up for a school project with a very nasty girl in her class. This child is a clone of her mother, very pretty and VERY full of herself.

Meg told me that when she sat next to her, the snippy little wench gave her a dirty look and said. "I feel like punching someone."

According to a bullying sheet we got home from Meg's school she should have said something to the bully like, "Sorry you seem to need to hurt people."

The sheet has a whole list of responses to put-downs, some others include, "Hey, that's a put down!" "And here I thought we were best friends!" and "Next time I see you I'll remember to bow." All cute, but they don't really get the point across the way I'd like her to.

Rather than use the sheet, I gave my daughter MY advice.

I told her she should have said is..."That's weird, because I feel like stabbing someone in the eye with my pencil." HOOOOO!!!!

Now of course I didn't really think she should say that, but it was fun to joke about it and it made Meg laugh.

Meg then told me that the little punk didn't stop at the punching comment. She also moved close to my daughter and said...(in a sinister voice)

"Can I cut your hair?"


To which I told my daughter she should have said..."Julia, I think you forgot to take your meds again! Should I walk you to the nurse?"

We laughed again.

My first reaction was to tell the teacher not to seat my daughter next to that pompous 4th grade diva anymore, but that won't do us any good.

We've talked about this before. Bitches are everywhere, so she might as well learn early how to deal with them.

Luckily there are programs at school that deal with this kind of crap. I'm also glad that Meg tells me about these incidents so we can talk about it, and even make some jokes.

The bullying sheet I got did say that kids who do this kind of stuff have have anger and they take it out on others. My question is, what the hell did someone do to a 9 year old to make her so angry and vicious? It's not my job to analyze but I can tell you this. I am so proud that both of my girls are nice. They go out of their way to make other people feel good and they are always kind.

They won't be able to avoid being paired up with mean kids every now and again, but I will make damn sure that some angry, spoiled, brat is not going to affect my child's self esteem.

I'm going to print out a little bully cheat sheet of my own, which includes comebacks like..."Wow, you are such a byotch!!!" and "Get off my ass!" or "Make sure you lock your bedroom windows tonight!"

What do you think? I'm going to call my school's psychologist and see what they say. I think a little coaching from Ms. Jill might be just the thing the school needs to stop bullying FOR GOOD.

Oh and you might be thinking, "Gee Jill, it seems like YOU have some anger issues."

Very perceptive of you! Yes, perhaps I do, but unlike certain 4th grade girls, I take it out on the tennis court, or the blog...NOT on other people.

Thanks, and have an anger free day.


Hot Rod Mama

You know what really irks me? Parents who zip around the drop off line at school. (COMPLETELY-against the rules) Slam on their brakes to narrowly avoid hitting children in the crosswalk, ILLEGALLY park, and then gingerly remove their own children from the car, sending them on their merry way.

Hello!!! We know YOUR children are precious, but how about the rest of us!!!? We know you are VERY IMPORTANT, but EVEN YOU have to wait in line with the little people, the rules apply to all of us. Even busy, important YOU!!!

The best is when they position a police officer in the parking lot and hand out tickets to these selfish speed demons. I love it!


Holy frickin' hell!!

This is straight from People Magazine...I can ASSURE you these women don't hang out with me!!! Oh and btw...it premieres on my birthday...what a gift!!

The newest cast of Housewives is close-knit and includes friends, a pair of sisters — who married brothers! — and their sister-in-law. The show is set to premiere May 12 (11 p.m. ET) on Bravo.

From left to right, the women of The Real Housewives of New Jersey are …

Jacqueline Laurita: A former cosmetologist, she is now a stay-at-home mom, but still loves to pamper herself. She has a teenage daughter from her previous marriage and a 6-year-old son with her husband Chris, who owns wholesale apparel businesses and is brother to Caroline and Dina.

Teresa Giudice: Born and raised in New Jersey, her husband Joe owns a successful construction company. Together they have three young daughters, who take up much of her time. A friend of Dina and Caroline, she also loves to shop, get spa treatments and spend time at her beach house on the Jersey Shore.

Danielle Staub: “You either love me or you hate me, there is no in between,” says the single mom of two daughters. She prides herself as one of the first female American Express Black card members in New Jersey. She is also active in her local parish and regularly attends mass. She and Jacqueline are friends.

Dina Manzo: Founder of the nonprofit Project Ladybug, which helps children with cancer, she’s also an interior designer, an event planner, mother and best friends with her sister Caroline. Her husband Albert works with his brother (Caroline’s husband) at their family’s catering business.

Caroline Manzo: She’s a mother of three and own a real estate firm and a line of children’s accessories. Described as a “feisty spitfire,” she’s Dina’s sister and is on the board of Project Ladybug. She’s married to Albert Manzo, brother of Dina’s husband Tommy. Dina and Caroline’s brother is Jacqueline’s husband Chris.

Tell us: Will you watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey?

I'll be the first to answer...HELL YEAH!


Are ya goin'??

As much as I'd like to, I'm not. San Francisco in '08 was out of the question. Chicago, same deal. I have to pick my battles in this life, and this one doesn't seem worth the trouble, this year.

I'm way too much of a control freak to fly across the country, pay for a flight and hotel as well as meals and rental cars. In addition to all that expense, I'd need to arrange for the care of my dogs and my daughters for 3 or 4 days. I'd feel too guilty about the money and being away for so long.

How about you? Have you ever gone? If you have, was it worth the trouble? I'm not trying to be a buzz kill, I'm really interested.

I have to admit, I am very intrigued. I have yet to meet one other blogger face to face. I can't even fathom meeting hundreds of them all at once.

In order for me to attend, which I REALLY want to do, we need to have the next BlogHer within driving distance from my house. I'm bound and determined to make this happen.

So can you help a fellow blogger out? When you go to BlogHer, rally for an East coast location in 2010. New York, or Philly preferably. If you do, you get to meet me!!! Maybe I'll even do a little symposium on half assed slacker blogging. I'm an EXPERT on this subject.

Plus, it's only fair, the west coast and the midwest had their turns...let's give the east coast peeps a chance to throw a party!!!

Join the crusade for a Northeast BlogHer in 2010!

(In the meantime, let me live vicariously though you, have you got any good BlogHer stories??)


"Moms Gone Wild" aka "A Drunken Celebration in the City of Brotherly Love"

Brad and I just arrived home from a romantic weekend getaway in the world's sexiest city...Philadelphia.

My mom watched the girls and we spent a glorious weekend at The Ritz Carlton. One good thing about the bad economy is that luxury hotels have some AMAZING offers. Our room was less than $200 a night!

Friday night we dined at Philly hot spot Buddakan. We sat at a really cool lit up onyx table, drank Asian mojitos and dined on sesame crusted tuna and wasabi mashed potatoes. It was awesome.

Saturday morning we hit the Cezanne exhibit at the Philadelphia Art Museum. Almost as interesting as the art were the people at the people from all over the world who came to see the exhibit.

Okay, enough of this boring stuff. You could read a Fodor's travel book if you want to know about Philadelphia.

Let's talk about me, and what a fool I made out of myself...

Saturday night we met up with three of my best friends and their husbands for to celebrate my friend Jenny's birthday. I think I've mentioned that once every few years I really let loose. Well, last night was my night. We had dinner at El Vez, a very cool restaurant known for their margaritas which are made with fresh squeezed lime juice and PLENTY of tequila. The pitchers kept coming and coming.

We were all getting crazy and having a good old time, when my friend Liz took a look at me and said..."You are WASTED!" That's pretty much my last memory of the evening. Apparently a switch in my brain stem was short circuited by my massive tequila consumption. I completely shut down.

I layed down in the booth for awhile until they thought I was able to stand. Then Brad poured me into a cab and my night was over. This morning he showed me some pictures he took of me face down on the bathroom floor. Lovely.

I think this is the booth I passed out in...

Luckily I was with my very close friends who got a huge kick out of my drunken antics. They continued their merry making without us, at a gay bar named "Woody's." They didn't realize it was a gay bar until they had been there about 10 minutes...apparently it was really fun. Too bad I was dry heaving in the toilet at the Ritz.

Needless to say, I couldn't eat until 4 o'clock this afternoon. Hangovers suck.

Enough about me...how was YOUR weekend???


I'm sorry honey, but "He's Just Not That Into You!"

Brad and I went to the movies Saturday night and saw, you guessed it.."He's Just Not That Into You."

As the mother of two girls, the first scene in the movie really hit home for me.

A little girl is playing on the playground and a little boy runs up to her. He knocks her on the ground and tells her, "You smell like poop. You ARE poop. A big smelly pile of poop!!"

The little girl cries and runs to her mom. "Mommy, Billy hates me...he called me poop!"

The mother hugs and daughter and consoles her. "Honey...do you know why Billy knocked you down and called you poop?"

"Why mommy?" The little girl implores.

"Because, sweetie, that's his way of telling you he LIKES you!"

The camera closes in on a close up of the little girl's puzzled face.

And thus starts the movie all about women rationalizing horrible treatment from men...because they over analyze being treated like crap and are so desperate to be part of a couple.

The lesson...when a boy knocks over your daughter and calls her horrible names. Tell her it's because he's an asshole. I know it's harsh, but she'll learn that word eventually so it might as well be from her mom.

Seriously, do it...I guarantee she'll remember it for the rest of her life. Yeah, she might become a militant bitch, but better that than a doormat. :)

Are you with me???

Oh and P.S. if you have sons...let them know, if they like a girl, tell her she's funny, or smart. Knocking her over and calling her a pile of poo sends mixed messages.



A public service announcement from Caffeine Court...


Have you heard...

about someecards??? I discovered them on (where else) Facebook. They are so damn funny.

Here are a few examples of cards that apply to my life:

Ah yes...these cards really reflect my sad obsessive life.

Coming soon...the psychology of Facebook and a warning for all you married folk out there.

Stay tuned.


The drudgery of housework...

I'm totally swamped...so I thought I'd dig out one of the first posts I ever did...

I love staying home with my girls-but one of the toughest parts of my job is THE HOUSEWORK. I try to make it fun-and to enjoy the process. I read books on Buddhism and try to enjoy the feel of the sponge in my hand as a scrub the shower, the humming sound of the vacuum, the smell of Pledge. Unfortunately I have "Monkey Mind" and have the attention span of a squirrel. I try to motivate myself with rewards. "If I can unload the dishwasher and put away all the dishes in one session-I can call my sister." "If I can clean all the windows in the family room-I can read the newspaper."

I try to see housework as exercise. Deep knee bends when picking up toys-STRETCH to reach cobwebs-SPRINT up and down stairs tending to requests for sippy cups or popcorn while attempting to reorganize a closet or make a bed.

In order to motivate myself I try to tell myself that I really LOVE having a clean sparkling house. That I take pride in having spotless baseboards and shiny granite counter tops. Not that I am simply trying to avoid the browbeating I will receive when my husband returns from work and exclaims-"What did you do all day!!!!?"

So here I sit at my computer-surrounded by dust bunnies, Barbies and dog hair. I guess I should get to work-but first I need to check my e-mail!!!


You learn something new every day!

And one thing I learned from yesterday's post is...Botox and politics do NOT go together.

That is unless your name happens to be Joe Biden.

Carry on.


Botox Bandits

A mug shot of a "Botox Bandit.." Looks like she stole some lip injections too!!!

Catherine is sick today...poor girl. The only good thing about this, is I got to watch some of "The Today Show."

When Meg was a baby and I was nursing I was quite the daytime TV watcher. "Regis and Kelly", "Oprah", "The View"...I watched em all!

Now things are different. On weekdays the girls and I wake up, RUSH, RUSH, RUSH, I drop them at school at 8:40 and I'm on my merry way...

So anyway, today on "Today" Kathie Lee and Hoda were discussing Botox. Kathie Lee admitted she's a big fan of the stuff. I want to know who she goes to, because I think she looks awesome. And I'm sure she pays big bucks to look as good as she does.

The thing with Botox and Juvederm and all that good stuff is...it's pretty pricey.

A syringe of Juvederm runs about $500. A forehead full of Botox runs about $400. And you have to do it every few months. If you want to do it right, you'll have to pay about $3,500 a year. Bummer.

What is the average woman on a budget to do??? Well, a few clever ladies came up with a plan. These women are "The Botox Bandits." Go ahead...Google it. They are everywhere. Florida, Texas, California, Arizona....our nation is in the midst of an injectable crime spree.

How do you steal Botox? Well, you go into a medispa and give them a fake name. You proceed to get all shot up. Then, when it comes time to pay, you realize you forgot your checkbook or credit card. Tell the lady you need to run out to the car...and then you get the hell out of dodge.

Some advice...don't let them take before and after pictures...that helps the police track you down. Duh.

But hey, at least you'll look hot in your mug shot! Another bonus, is you'll be the best looking gal in prison, which means you get the toughest girlfriend.

I think this crime wave is a sign of the times. Why should wealthy women be the only ones who get Botox? What about the middle class? I certainly hope President Obama has included some funds in his stimulus plan for cosmetic procedures for the needy. It's only fair...and it will keep these poor women out of prison.

If you're with me on this send President Obama a request...www.whitehouse.gov.

Remember...EVERYONE has the right to a smooth, wrinkle free face and they shouldn't have to resort to a life of crime to get it.


Educating Ramona

Today is Wednesday, which traditionally is my day to recap the previous evening's "Real Housewives" and I intend to do just that.

Unfortunately I'm swamped right now, so I'm going to throw one topic out there and then do the full recap later.

Did you see the scene where the ladies went to lunch and discussed boarding schools? I thought it was interesting. LuAnn is all about boarding school and claims she sends her children there for their benefit. Obviously she thinks her children get the best possible education at boarding school, or so she says.

As obnoxious as Ramona is, I agree with her that I want my children at home...at least until they are 18. There are plenty of top notch private schools in Manhattan. Why do you need to send your 16 year old daughter 2 hours away? I wouldn't say that to LuAnn, but I'm saying it to you. I think Ramona should have kept her opinion to herself. LuAnn has her mind made up, who is Ramona to tell her how to raise her children?

Since this is MY blog, I'll tell you my opinion on boarding schools. They are fine for some people but even if I had big bucks, or my children were absolute geniuses who got a full ride at Choate, I wouldn't send them. Maybe when they're older, I'll change my mind, but for now, that's my feeling on the subject.

I have friends who went to boarding school, and they didn't like going. Even though the schools were the "best of the best" they felt that their parents sent them away.

What do you think? Did you go to boarding school? How about your children? If they go, do you send them because you feel that is the best thing for them?

Which opens up the whole private vs. public school debate. My daughters go to public school. One of the reason we live in our town, on a small lot, is for the schools. We could live in some other towns and have a bigger house with an acre of land, but the schools wouldn't measure up.

Some people I know wouldn't dream of sending their children to a public school, for whatever reason, even in a good school district.

Let's talk schools, and we'll talk housewives later.

Real Housewives Newsflash!!! Jill Zarin Yearbook Photo

I have just received an urgent e-mail from my friend Mitch who grew up on LOOONG ISLAND, and he went to high school with none other than Jill Zarin from Real Housewives!!

He was kind enough to scan her high school yearbook picture for the Caffeine Court readers...

Here it is ladies...
Remember, you saw it here first! Keep stopping by for all the latest celebrity gossip!!!


Photo Faux Pas...

Last fall I my school had a fundraiser where local photographers waived their sitting fees and donated the money to our schools. I had a wonderful photographer take pictures of the girls on the beach and the photos are gorgeous.

Earlier today I was looking at proofs trying to decide what to order. As I looked at the pictures some decorating advice that I've heard countless times sprung to mind.

"Personal photos should not be displayed in the "formal" areas of our home."

I even heard a friend of mine's husband tell someone at a party that the closer family photos are displayed to the front door the "lower class" a family tends to be. (Yeah, the guy's a pompous dick, but you can bet your bottom dollar I took away some family photos I had displayed in my foyer!)

I decided to do a little Google search on this subject and here's some stuff I came up with:

The San Francisco Chronicle had an article on this subject in reaction to a Pottery Barn catalog chock full of family photos blown up and displayed all over the house:

In a dining-room vignette, hanging on the walls and propped against a sideboard and leaning wall shelves, were gigantic photos of children and their parents, the occupants of this imaginary family's home. The largest was a poster-size image of a cherubic boy. Another, maybe 2 feet square, was of two young children. All of the images were in black frames that matched the sideboard and shelves.

To me, this seemingly innocuous decor represented the height of narcissism, the self-absorption of a generation more interested in turning the camera on themselves than outward. It seems the traditional ways of displaying family photos -- once relegated to the hallway or the mantel -- are no longer enough for the modern family. We must be surrounded by darling -- and colossal -- images of ourselves. Family photos have taken center stage, taken on a more important role in decorating and, perhaps, taken over.

Many decorators, consider over-the-top displays to be offensive and feel they actually detract from the decor. Exhibiting family shots in an artful manner requires the right place, creative framing and, just as important, discretion.

Most of the articles I read said indeed the rule of thumb WAS to keep the family photos to a minimum in common areas of the home, but that those rules have changed. Nowadays the trend in decorating is much more casual and personal than in years past.

What do you think? Do you have alot of family photos displayed in your home? If so, are they displayed in your living and family rooms?

I'm trying to decide what type of prints to display and where to put them and I'm wondering if I should keep them upstairs.

Please advise.

Tomorrow we'll discuss whether or not it's tacky to have chewed up Barbie parts and dog hair scattered about your dining room. Stay tuned.

Pondering my colon...

I've been thinking alot about the Master Cleanse.

On the one hand, it sure sounds like it has some great benefits...it could change my life! More energy, less aches and pains, it sounds fab.

On the other hand, the prospect of spending 10 days drinking some weird potion and nothing else sounds a bit medieval.

I'm picturing myself in the rolling car line at my daughter's school when the mixture of cayenne pepper, maple syrup and lemonade starts to percolate in my belly. I feel a rumbling, then pressure...unbearable pressure. So I have to park my car illegally and sprint to the bathroom, knocking over children and teachers as I desperately try to clench my butt cheeks long enough to make it to the toilet. IF I get lucky enough to make it to a stall, I envision blowing gall stones and long rubber strands all over the porcelain throne. I'm sure it's loud, and messy and I'm in a public bathroom.

For some reason that doesn't sound very appealing.

I'll do a little more research on this subject, but if I have to sit on a toilet for 10 days. I'm out.


Nature's Bounty

This morning my five year old daughter overheard my sister and I having a conversation about my recent 10 pound weight gain.

Me: Look at my butt! It's huge!

Catherine: Mom, you're an adult. All adults have big butts....it's nature!

I guess that explains it. Nature. I might as well accept it.

It has absolutely nothing to do with the massive quantities of Swedish fish, cinnamon dulce lattes, soft pretzels, donuts and pizzas I've been consuming over the last couple of months.

Okay, Dr. Phil, you're right. It's NOT nature. A few short months ago I was slim. It's amazing how slacking off on exercise and eating like a pig can have such an immediate effect.

It hit me like a ton of bricks this week. I'm on my way to getting fat and I have to take action IMMEDIATELY. No more handfuls of french fries, no more late night graham crackers and milk. I'll be drinking lots of water, having a Slimfast for breakfast and stepping up the tennis.

I might be an adult, but that doesn't mean I have to have a fat ass. No matter what my daughter says!!!

Oh, and don't expect any before and after pictures. I am WAY too vain to display photos of my big booty on the internet. (Unless, of course, I could make a few bucks doing it...THEN I might be tempted. Can you say LIPO FUND?)
As per your request, I have removed the Snuggie commercial from my sidebar. The Snuggie joke is so overdone...but I couldn't help myself!

State of Emergency

Help!! I'm trapped in a snowstorm with a house full of kids and no Diet Coke.

I'm seriously considering calling in the National Guard.

Please advise.

Do my Clementines make you horny baby???!

Yesterday I was innocently shopping in the produce aisle at the local supermarket.
I wanted to get some Golden Delicious apples, but the store manager and a delivery man were standing in my way. I stood politely waiting for them to notice me.

The store manager finally looked up at me and said "Sorry! You should have pushed us out of your way!"

"I'm non-violent, I wouldn't want to hurt you." was my witty reply.

The delivery man, who looked like the motorcycle dude from The Village People stepped up close to me. Too close. He looked me right in the eye and said. "I'd let you hurt me if you want." EWWWWW! I scooped up a few apples and moved on to the next section. Village Dude followed me.

As I approached the Clementines he stepped in front of me and got really close again. In a seductive voice he purred, "There's a special on Clementines today..." I felt the bile rise in my throat. No Clementines for me today!! I needed cucumbers too, but I didn't DARE give him the opportunity to discuss cucumbers with me. Melons, bananas, nothing was safe.

I decided to get the hell out of the produce section and into the safety of the meat aisle. Luckily the butcher is a polite guy who leaves the housewives alone.

I've been hit on by some yucky dudes, in bars, when I was 25. That was part of the fun. Having some washed up pop star discussing how much fun it would be to hurt him at the supermarket. Not my idea of a good time.

Peapod is delivering in my area. I think I'll have to try it, and pray that Village Dude doesn't have a second job.

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