Christmas Letters: Writer Discretion is Advised...

Here's what NOT to write...

Dear Friends,

2009: the year (and the decade) ends. If we were like most of you, we'd be exhausted, but since we are better than you, we feel exhilarated!!

We're thrilled to report that our entire family is healthy, happy and excelling at all we do.

We realize that the economy is tough. Many of you are out of work or struggling to make ends meet. We feel for you.

Happily, our careers are thriving. Things on the job front are all moving in a positive direction. My company is growing in leaps and bounds. I received a big promotion along with a raise and bonus. We are so thankful for our good fortune and the sky is the limit.

Maryann has been teaching five courses at the university. All were at the masters level. She has traveled the country lecturing to sold out crowds in Boston, Denver, Philly and Chicago.

She also worked as the General Contractor on our massive home renovation. Wait until you see our new Chef's kitchen, home theater, incredible master bath and full finished basement. We certainly hope it makes you green with envy!!!

Onto the kids!!! Evan (12) is a lacrosse and baseball champion. In addition to making straight A's he has been playing on 5 undefeated teams and attending many prestigious lacrosse camps in his "free time."

Riley (9) continues with her rigorous ice skating program and we have our sights set on the 2018 Winter Olympic Games! Having such a talented daughter is quite an adventure and we thank god every day that he gifted her with such skill and grace.

And let's not forget little Will. (7) Will is the family daredevil. He has won a trophy case full of awards in snowboarding, surfing and skateboarding. It's amazing how he masters whatever he tries with such gusto and skill!!!

Well, that wraps up another chapter in our busy, blessed lives.

May you all be as lucky as we are in 2010.

With love-

The Fab Family

Oh and by the way...I live a few doors down from the Fab Family. I exaggerated their letter, but the REAL letter is embellished so damn much, it should win an award, for SCIENCE FICTION!!!

Went to Anthropologie...

And exchanged this:

Stormy Sea Necklace in Ivory ($48)




















For this: From O'Keeffe Necklace...$48

As many times as I tried, I just couldn't pull off the first necklace. My husband and daughters looked flabbergasted when I put it on.

Too much! (For me.)

The second necklace looks sooo good on. Go ahead, go to Anthro. Tomorrow.

Try it on.

You'll be glad you did.

Don't let my rough exterior fool you....

As I travel from blog to blog I notice that so many people are sharing cute pictures of their holiday decorations and adorable holiday stories.

I, on the other hand, have stories about murderous dolls and drunk 4 year olds.

What is WRONG with me?

Why do I always have to be inappropriate?

Is there a psychoanalyst in the house?

I promise you, I do like Christmas.

Here are some of my favorite things about this time of the year.

1. I actually feel like going out and socializing. Don't get me wrong, once I get my butt out the door I ALWAYS have a good time, but sometimes I'm slow to commit. When Christmas comes around I feel the goodwill towards my fellow man, and I love to celebrate.

2. The excitement that my children feel.

3. Photo Christmas cards. I LOVE getting them and seeing how all my friends' and relatives' children have grown.

4. Our annual tradition of traveling to a farm in Pennsylvania and cutting down the family tree. So far the farmer hasn't caught us, so it's all good. ;)

There's more, but I'm sleepy, so I'm going to bed, with visions of sugarplums dancing in my nutty little head.

(Oh and one more thing, for as much as I love Thanksgiving and Christmas...I HATE New Year's Eve...seriously. HATE it.)

The Drunken 4 Year Old Who Stole Christmas...

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. (WTVC-TV) - A 4-year-old boy, beer in hand, is accused of stealing Christmas presents from his neighbors. It's a strange story, but also a sad one.

April Wright is 21 years old and is going through a divorce with her husband who is in jail. She says she is not sure how her 4-year-old managed to get out of the house, open a beer, and steal the neighbors presents from under their tree. Now she's just glad he's okay and says she won't let it happen again.

The child, Hayden Wright, was found around 1:45 am Tuesday, wandering the streets of his neighborhood. In a police reports, officers said he was wearing a little girl's dress and drinking a beer. The police report says the child had to taken to the hospital to be treated for alcohol consumption.

April Wright said, "Biggest concern was him being out there, getting kidnapped, getting run over, the alcohol, having to have his stomach pumped."

Wright says she woke up that night at 1:45 am and panicked when she found Hayden was gone. She says she put safety devices on all the doors so her kids couldn't get out, but Hayden was able to break the safety device off the doorknob and get outside.

Once out, Wright says her four year old followed his father's footsteps and was found on Blue Spruce Road, drinking.

"He runs away trying to find his father," she said. "He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that's where his daddy is."

The Hamilton County Sheriff's Office report says Hayden rang the doorbell a few houses down and the neighbor answered, finding the child holding a partially consumeed 12-ounce beer.

Wright said, "He got it out of my father's cooler in the back and how he got it open I don't understand because it was one of those tab beers."

But it doesn't stop there. The report said Hayden then snuck into a neighbor's house through an unlocked front door, and stole five wrapped Christmas gifts. One was a girl's brown dress which Hayden was wearing when police found him.

"Going to the neighbor's house and taking their presents, very embarrassing," said April.

She admits she was not just embarrassed, but scared, and rushed to the hospital that night with Hayden. She said she tries to be a good mother and loves her son, but now feels like a failure.

"Kids do things like this and it's out of your control, you can do the best you can as a mother, everyone makes mistakes, it was an honest mistake," she said.

Wright did meet with child protective services today who told her she will get to keep custody of Hayden.

Nightmares Before Christmas...

So I got the elf. His name is Fred.

So far nothing bad has happened.

He moves around A LOT, and this morning, I caught him sitting on top of my laptop with a really pissed off look in his shifty blue eyes.

I think he read my last post.

Can elves read? I certainly hope not.

Or I'm in BIG trouble.

Freaky Psychotic Little Elf on the Shelf...

Have you seen him? The demonic little fellow with a mischievous look on his face?

Meet the Elf on the Shelf.

My neighbor introduced me to hers today and I was afraid to get near him. Just look at him. I don't trust this face for one minute. He looks like pure evil.

According to tradition...

this antique-style Elf, has an important job. This Elf is assigned to watch over your family and report back to Santa each night about who has been naughty or nice that day. By morning he's back but he's in a different place in the house for a daily hide-and-seek ritual that will delight your kids and adults alike.

Does that sound like Chucky or what?

My six year old daughter wants one. REALLY BADLY. I tried to discourage her, but she won't stop asking.

I guess I'll have to bring this scary little dude into my house, but I'm telling you, once the kids go to bed, I'm locking him outside. He might give Santa a bad report...

But I'm not taking any chances....

I'm so random.

You know that your blog is plummeting downhill when you resort to writing about foul, smooshy, bars of soap.

Unfortunately, I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person. I run my blog, like I run my life, jumping from thing to thing.

Maybe the ladies at BlogHer will ask me to run a panel this summer. They could call it "How to Run a Blog with the Least Amount of Effort." or "Blogging Without Substance."

If you would like to attend a panel headed up by me, please contact the folks at BlogHer.

On another note, I've had some requests to review the MTV show "Jersey Shore." I have not been focused enough to actually watch the show in it's entirety, but I did catch some clips.

As a resident of the Garden State, I can tell you that while this show does not represent the majority of NJ's population, it is, in fact, very indicative of the inhabitants of Seaside Heights. I live a mere 45 minutes north of this pit of debauchery.

When we first moved to the area, I took my husband to Seaside here to show him, the sights. He wouldn't get out of the car. We felt like we were at the Drive-Through Safari at Six Flags.

I forced him to get his khaki clad butt out of the vehicle and up on the boardwalk where we marveled at the drunk, drugged up, scantily clad creatures who prowl the boards in search of a hook up.

The people on this show are actually BETTER than most of the people hanging out on the beaches of Seaside Heights in the summer.

Do I sound like a snob? If I do, then you've never visited Seaside. Trust me, it doesn't take a snob to be flipped out by the scene down there.

I'll leave you with an excerpt from the "Jersey Shore" web page.

If you’ve never pierced your privates or globbed on hair gel by the liter, then you might not be familiar with all of the Jersey Shore slang that was spewing about in the first two episodes.

For instance, with a little practice, anybody can be a slut, but in order to be considered a 'Jersey Shore [BLEEPING BLEEPING] slut,' one must consume at least four glasses of Ron Ron Juice. This typically leads to the removal of panties in a hot tub and the addition of another ‘BLEEPING’ to your slut label.

Thanks to Snooki, we were also introduced to the term ‘Princess Guidette.' Unlike regular princesses that typically kiss frogs, a ‘Princess Guidette’ apparently likes to lock lips with drunk fools.

‘The Situation’ that Mike found himself in with Ronnie was a ‘C**k Blocking’ situation, a term that was used quite a bit thanks to self-proclaimed ‘C**k Blocker’ Angelina. If you’ve never heard of a Co**k Block, then congratulations, because that means you probably don’t know what blue balls are either.

I'm sure there's lots more to be covered, so if you’d like a half-assed definition of any more Jersey Shore Slang Terms that you heard on the first two episodes, jot them down in the comments and I’ll get back to you as soon as I finish man-scaping. (Note to Pauly D: Thanks for the inspiration.)

'Nuff said.