I've been A.W.O.L.

and I forgot to bring my camera!

The best babysitter in the world (my mom) is in town, so Brad and I took a little getaway.

Here's a brief rundown of our travels:

We stayed at the Seaview Resort near Atlantic City. It's a great old hotel. Beautifully restored with 2 golf courses, lots of pools, clay tennis courts and a spa with all the amenities.

My first stop...The Elizabeth Arden Red Door Salon for a Signature Facial and Lactic Acid Peel. Sooo relaxing, and just look how young I look!!!

For the first time in 2 years I played golf.

We played 18 holes on the Seaview Bay Course. It was fun hanging out with Brad, but I'm not sure I have the attention span for 18 holes. 9 holes is about my speed. We used a golf cart, but I'm still so sore!! I guess hitting a golf club at full speed into the grass about 200 times will take a toll on your muscles! If it wasn't so expensive I would have headed back to the spa for a massage!

After golf we headed to the Borgata in Atlantic City for sushi, drinks and blackjack....

I won $10. No lie. We played blackjack for 2 hours and I won $10. Better than losing right? And I LOVE blackjack...so we had a ball.

We ended our little couples retreat with a trip to Cape May where we had lunch at the Blue Pig Tavern. I had the most delicious lump crab and asparagus salad and Brad had a pulled pork sandwich which he thoroughly enjoyed. I have never had a pulled pork sandwich, and I have no desire to try it. The term "pulled pork" kind of freaks me out.
It sounds medieval.

So there you have it...

Sounds like an itinerary from "The Dating Game" doesn't it?

I deliberately left the laptop home so I wouldn't be tempted to spend any of my quality time with my husband surfing the net.

It was definitely the right decision.

Enough about me. What have you been up to?


What a difference a year makes...

Another USTA team tennis season has come and gone. As you recall, the last couple of years I had a TYRANT for a captain. I had an undefeated record, but she was still incredibly nasty to me.

She was an unsportsmanlike bully and I'm really surprised casting didn't snag her for "The Real Housewives of NJ."

This year, I chose to play under the leadership of the most, polite, adorable sweet woman. My record this year was NOT very good, but I had so much fun.

Here is her letter to the team after a really enjoyable, drama-free season.

Hi everyone,

Congratulations to everyone for a great season! This was our first year back together (with some very special new additions) and we had a winning season!

We had so many fun, competitive matches and we always showed our team spirit by staying to cheer our team mates on even when our matches were finished. Winning is always fun, but it's how we handle the losses and what we choose to do moving forward that means so much more. I am really looking forward to working hard and trying to improve my game for next year's season. I really loved being your captain and I am looking forward to celebrating with all of you.

On behalf of our team, I would also like to say a HUGE thanks to Bob! You are a great coach and are always inspiring us to do our best.
We look forward to the fall season and our clinics with you.

What a breath of fresh air!

Given the choice of an undefeated season under the leadership of a mean bitch, or a horrible record with a classy kind captain...I'll take the latter.

"You do not lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership."

-Dwight D. Eisenhower


Sweet Victory

I'll explain later.


A Missed Opportunity

Hey! That's what I do when I'm on the potty...

As I've mentioned before. I joined "Freecycle" in hopes of snagging myself a treasure.

(Such as an antique armoire, or an Apple Laptop.) Thus far, I have not been successful.

Today, however, a real gem came in:


Toddler potty. It could use a good scrub. It was handy for park and beach trips. The seat if broken, but I believe it can be replaced.

You've got to be kidding me? I can have a dirty, feces encrusted potty, with a broken seat...FOR FREE???!!! I was elated.

But guess what? Of all the dumb luck. Someone else claimed it before I had a chance.

Life can be so unfair.


Some stuff I've been into...

What do I do when I'm lacking blog material??? Talk about "STUFF!"

Here is some stuff I like:

My J. Crew Straw Beach Bag...

I have other summer bags, but this is the one I carry ALL THE TIME.

And it's on sale for $29.50.

Go buy it...now. (After you finish commenting on this post.)

Clark's Artisan Collection...

I always pictured Clark's as gooberish looking walking shoes, but they have some really cool sandals.

I got these wedges (The Erda in Peanut) and they are so cute. They look exactly like a pair I saw at Anthropologie for $200 and they only set me back $65.

I've been trying to cut down on the caffeine/aspartame consumption and I've found a marvelous alternative. Herbal Iced Tea.

My favorite....Pomegranate. Runner up...passion fruit.

So good, no calories, no caffeine, cheap...what could be better?

How about you? Any cool stuff you want to share with the class?


I just remembered Cr8buzz!! Do you guys still do it?? I used to be so concerned about my "Buzz Ranking!" Weird.

Is it still around? I can't even find it.

What's the 4-11?!


The next entry in the writer's notebook...

Continuing on with my daughter's writing.

This one had me rolling on the floor...

A Complaint to McDonald's

Oh McDonald's

Why Are You So Fattening?

You only give toys to make money

Not to make little kids happy

You are just plain nasty

What if a person gets food poisoning from you?

Then how much would people like you?

You are unhealthy.

Someone told me your water is dirtier than toilet water.

So McDonald's...

The only good thing about you is...


Thank you-Meg

P.S. Burger King is better.

I swear, I think I'm going to have her write my blog from now on. She is way funnier than me!!


My daughter, the comedienne...

I was going through my 9 year old daughter's school stuff and came across her writer's notebook.

There are some real gems in there.

Here's the first one.

Why Mickey Mouse is Better than Donald Duck.

1. He never does bad things.

2. Unlike Donald, he wears pants

3. Disney likes him.

4. He has knives, but he only uses them for cooking, not when he is mad at people.

5. He has no anger issues.


I will be featuring more of her writing in upcoming posts. Trust me, this one cracked me up, but she has WAY better material.

Stay tuned.


Aunt Flo

Warning: If you are a man...stop reading now. You have been warned.

My Aunt Flo is visiting, and quite frankly I can't stand the bitch. Especially the first two days of her visit.

I'm seriously considering ablation. My husband and I were discussing my feminine issues, and we both decided that 2-3 days a month is way to much for BOTH of us to suffer.

In the meantime, I was looking up some homeopathic remedies, until I can see the doc.

Now here's my question...since I have almost ALL these symptoms, do I buy ALL the remedies? (Symptoms in bold and italic are especially problematic for yours truly...)

Bovista: Premenstrual problems with puffiness in the extremities, fluid retention, and a bloated feeling often indicate a need for this remedy. The woman may feel very awkward and clumsy, and may constantly be dropping things because of swollen-feeling hands. Diarrhea occurring around the time of the menstrual period strongly indicates this remedy.

Calcarea carbonica: PMS with fatigue, anxiety, and suggest a need for this remedy. The woman may have problems with water-retention and weight gain, tender breasts, digestive upsets, and headaches. Periods often come too early and last too long, sometimes with a flow of bright red blood. A general feeling of chilliness, with clammy hands and feet, and a feeling of being overwhelmed cravings for sweets and eggs are other indications for Calcarea.

Caulophyllum: This remedy is often helpful to women with a history of irregular periods, difficulty becoming pregnant, or slow childbirth due to weak muscle tone of the uterus. Symptoms include discomfort during periods and a heavy flow of blood or other discharge. Drawing pains may be felt in the pelvic region, thighs, and legs. Stiffness or arthritis, especially in the finger-joints, often is seen when this remedy is needed.

Chamomilla: A woman likely to respond to this remedy is angry, irritable, and hypersensitive to pain. Cramping may come on, or be intensified, because of emotional upset. Flow can be very heavy, and the blood may look dark or clotted. Problems are often worse at night. Heating pads or exposure to wind may aggravate the symptoms, and motion (such as rocking or brisk walking) may help to reduce the tension and discomfort.

Cimicifuga (also called Actaea Racemosa): This remedy can be helpful for irregular and painful periods, with shooting pains that go down the hips and thighs, or cramps similar to labor-pains that are felt in the pelvic area. Headache with pain and stiffness in the neck and back will often occur with PMS. The woman is likely to be intense and talkative, becoming agitated, fearful, and depressed before a menstrual period.

Kreosotum: Headache, nausea, and a heavy flow that makes the genitals and surrounding skin feel irritated and swollen are indications for this remedy. Kreosotum is often indicated for women with PMS who feel irritable and uncomfortable, and have a strong dislike of sexual activity.

Lachesis: Women who need this remedy are usually intense, with a tremendous need for an outlet, both physically and mentally. Symptoms of PMS include congestion, headaches, flushing, surges of heat, and an intense outspoken irritability—often with strong feelings of suspicion or jealousy. When the flow arrives, it may be heavy, but brings relief of tension. Intolerance of restrictive clothing around the waist or neck is another indication for Lachesis.

Lilium tigrinum: This remedy may be helpful if a woman is inclined toward rage during PMS, makes other people “walk on eggs,” and is extremely sensitive and irritable. Pressure in the rectum and in the pelvic region, with a sensation that the uterus is pushing out, may make her feel a frequent need to sit or cross her legs. Emotions and excitement aggravate the symptoms, and fresh air will often bring relief.

Lycopodium: PMS with a craving for sweets and a ravenous appetite (sometimes a bulimic tendency) suggests a need for this remedy. Digestive upsets with abdominal bloating and flatulence are often seen, with the person feeling worst in the late afternoon and evening. Menstrual periods may be delayed, followed by a heavy flow that goes on for extra days. A woman who needs this remedy often wears a worried look and lacks self-confidence—although she may be irritable and bossy to pets and family members. A desire to be alone, but with someone in the other room, is another indication for Lycopodium.

Nux vomica: When a woman with PMS is extremely this remedy may be of use. Uncomfortable, irregular menstrual periods can be experienced, often with a nagging urge to move the bowels before the flow begins. Constipation is common, and constricting pains may extend to the rectum or tailbone region. Anger, mental strain, physical exertion, and impatient, pushy, and intolerant,overindulgence in coffee, alcohol, or food can aggravate the problems. The woman often feels chilly and improves from warmth and rest.

Sepia: A woman who needs this remedy with PMS feels weary and dragged-out, wanting others (especially family members) to keep their distance. She often feels taken for granted and overworked, becoming irritable or sarcastic if demands are made. Late periods or scanty flow with a feeling that the pelvic floor is weak, or as if the uterus is sagging, often indicates a need for Sepia. Dampness and perspiring may aggravate the symptoms. Warmth and exercise, especially dancing, often restore some energy and brighten up the her mood.

Veratrum album: Menstrual periods with very heavy flow and cramping, with a feeling of exhaustion and icy coldness suggest a need for this remedy. Vomiting and diarrhea are often seen. Periods may start too early and go on too long. The woman feels worse at night, from exercise, and from drinking things that are warm. Cold drinks, small meals, and wrapping up in warm clothes or covers may help to bring improvement.

Okay, so let's go over what my loved ones and myself deal with 20-30 days a year.

I feel overwhelmed with strong cravings for sweets. I am angry and irritable with a heavy flow of blood. I am agitated, fearful, and depressed, with a headache and backache. I am intensely outspoken with an inclination towards rage. I am bossy towards pets and family members. I have a strong desire to be alone. I am impatient, pushy, and intolerant,and overindulgent in coffee (and Diet Coke.) I feel taken for granted and overworked, becoming irritable or sarcastic if demands are made. I also experience cramping diarrhea and exhaustion.
If you're a man, and you read all this...would you kill me or what?! No court would convict you.

If you're a woman, can you relate?

I think I'll go mix me up a Midol cocktail, with a side of Valium. Come to think of it, I'll mix up a pitcher for the whole family.


Things could be worse...

I belong to "Freecycle" and my e-mail in-box is always full of offers, most of which are pure crap.

Here's one I got today...

Offer: Large Lot of Books

"He's Just Not That Into You."

"What Should I do with My Life?"

"How to be Alone."

"The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People."


"Quarterlife Crisis"

Damn. And here I was getting all despondent because I lost a few tennis matches.

Things could be worse...MUCH worse.


Answer to the Kate Gosselin photo question...

I'm back from my beach weekend with the gals, and believe it or not...I behaved.

I will post a hilarious photo from the weekend, but I'm too lazy to download it now...so you'll have to wait.

I know you've all been waiting for my answer as to what's UNUSUAL about Kate's bikini photos.

I have to say, we have quite an observant bunch of readers here at Caffeine Court.

Yes, indeed, Kate's belly button is unusually high. Apparently that's what happens when you have a tummy tuck.

I think she looks awesome. Obviously she is well kept. Except for one area. My friend and her husband pointed out to me that Kate has a "bulge" in her bikini, which means one of two things...either she is A.) a hermaphrodite, or B.) too busy getting her hair dyed, tanning and getting a tummy tuck, to properly groom her "lady."

Since she's given birth we know the answer is B.)

Thanks for playing.


Beach Bound

As you might recall, a few months back my husband and I had a wild night in the "City of Brotherly Love" with my high school friends and their husbands. A great deal of tequila was consumed and my evening ended with my head in a sombrero puking my guts up.

Good times.

Tomorrow night, the ladies go solo at the shore.

I pray I survive.

I am charging my camera and I'll be sure to post photos of the big outing. Hopefully they will just be cute shots of a bunch of middle aged ladies sitting at a table smiling and not incriminating and humiliating images of me laying face down on a bathroom floor.

I CAN tell you that many of you have told me in no uncertain terms that my blog is getting really boring, and I intend to jazz it up.

You might be wondering what Kate Gosselin in a bikini has to do with my girl's weekend. I'll tell you what it has to do with it...My hostess for the weekend is very intrigued by the whole Jon and Kate saga and she pointed out something unusual about this photo.

In an effort to spice up my blog, I'm going to throw this out to you.

Do you notice anything strange in this photo???

I'll tell you when I get back from my mini Spring Break.


Footnote: Thank you Mrs. K...here is a profile shot you mentioned in your comment.


My new love...

Say hello to my little friend...the Wii Active Personal Trainer!!

So cool.

If you haven't seen it yet you have to check it out!

It have workouts consisting of strength exercises with resistance, cardio, and sports drills.

You can pick a personal trainer to work with and set up a 30 day challenge to get in shape.

I love it, and so does Brad. I only wish I had started the workouts sooner, like BEFORE team tennis started.

If I keep up with this I will be an ANIMAL next season.

The tennis ladies of NJ should be afraid...very, very afraid.

Insert evil, maniacal laugh here....



I am quite aware that I can be obsessive. Over the WRONG things. And I'm hoping to learn from it. As I sat at my laptop stressing out over total crap, I decided to hop on over to The NieNie Dialogues. I always keep the link on my sidebar. It's been awhile since I've read her blog and I realize that I need to go there each and every day.

What an absolutely incredible person. If you don't know who NieNie is, here's a brief description from her profile:

Stephanie Aurora Clark Nielson returns from a almost fatal plane crash. Happy to be blogging again from Utah and recovering too. Four happy children and one sweet husband make her life as good as it gets.

I can't even begin to describe how inspiring and amazing she is. She makes blogging, and life a true art form.

If you haven't been to her blog, hop on over.

And prepare to be in awe.



I lost another tennis match today. That makes all four of my singles matches this season. It was close, but I lost. And not because she was better than me. It's because I'm getting a loser complex and I didn't start going for it until well into the second set.

I'm a pathetic chicken.

Okay, I know, that's no way to think. Time to look on the bright side, yet again.

“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise” -Oscar Wilde

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” -Arnold Schwarzegegger

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.” Anonymous

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” - Mary Anne Radmacher

“Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.” - George E. Woodberry

I'm not going to lie. I'm really bummed, and I feel like I'm letting my team down.

My only saving grace is that I'm one of the only people on the team who agreed to play singles. Most people are afraid of singles, because it's hard, physically and emotionally. You're all alone out there and there is a ton of pressure. I'm not going to give up. Although I kind of want to.

Losing sucks.


I like to live dangerously!

My husband is very anxious since I posted a photo of the woman who beat me at tennis yesterday.

He has a vision of someone coming across my blog and calling her to inform her that the woman she played against (me) is a weirdo tennis stalker.

He envisions her coming to our house and demanding that I remove my blog post and get a life.

He then pictures me telling her to calm the hell down and punching her in the face. The end of his fantasy involves us coming to fisticuffs and wrestling around the yard in our short little tennis skirts while he watches.

Did I mention my husband is a perv??


Not again!!!

Okay, so I had another tennis match today. And I'll cut to the chase...I lost, AGAIN.

3-6, 6-4, 3-6. And I played even better than last week. I'm getting so much better. Why? Because I'm playing people who are so much damn better and more experienced that me!!!

This is who I lost to this week.

Seriously...she was "Mrs. Globe." Just picture her in a skimpy white tennis outfit, smashing a yellow ball at your face. Then you'll know what my morning was like. I probably could have won if the glare off her tiara wasn't so BLINDING!!

Oh well. Maybe next week I can lose to Miss Universe.

I need a martini. And some breast implants.


The moment you've been waiting for...


My last post really created a buzz in the blog world! 5 whole comments.

I must say, Zibbs came up with the most creative guess, I've NEVER heard of a "Crisco Disco", but that was not the answer I was looking for.

Anonymous actually came the closest. (Give yourself a big hand anonymous!)

If you call someone "Crisco" you are essentially calling them a tub of lard.

Here's one of the definitions from Urban Dictionary...

Crisco is a lard substitute that can be found in a large can, and it is also a term used to describe a woman with a large booty.
Although not immediately apparent, they can both be described as "fat in the can".

You: "How you doin', Crisco?"
Her: "Why you callin' me Crisco?"
You: "Cuz you fat in the can!"

My daughter's friend learned it from her mother, who is one of my friends and grew up in a big family on Staten Island. Her older brother always addressed her as "Crisco." (Damn, kids can be cruel!!! I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and gives you character and a quick wit. ) My daughter and her friends do not actually use this term. Unlike their mothers, my daughter and her best friend are sweet as can be. (Although they do think it's pretty funny.)

So there you have it. I'll bet you'll never look at a can of Crisco without thinking of me.

That makes me very happy.

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