Beware "The Bad Seed"

There's a girl in my daughter's third grade (going into fourth grade) class who is such a piece of work!!!

She's very pretty, and does some "modeling." She also has a very bad reputation for being very, very mean.

My daughter has, for the most part, managed to steer clear of this girl's wrath and I am so glad...some of the stories I've heard are BRUTAL.

Anyway, this girl goes to our pool, which makes it pretty hard to avoid her in the summer. She's nice enough to my daughter, they play a little together, and when they do I watch like a hawk!!

Today at the pool "The Bad Seed" was playing with my daughter (since none of her other "cool" friends were around), when she noticed another little girl that she knows. I saw her swim over to her, give her a hug and then push her under the water. The other little girl came up out of the water gasping for air.

THEN, "The Bad Seed" climbed out of the pool and offered her hand to the other girl. Still gasping for air, she grabbed her hand. Bad Seed proceeded to let go of her hand and let her fall backwards into the pool.

She then asked innocently"are you okay???" Her "friend" seemed okay and Bad Seed helped her out of the pool. She put her arm around her to give her a little bear hug and then PUSHED her back into the pool! I was floored.

She then proceeded to jump in next to her victim, grab her by the forehead and pull her backwards into the water. At this point I had to step in and reprimand Bad Seed. (Yeah, yeah, I let it go on a little too long-but I couldn't believe how far she was taking it...The lifeguards were totally oblivious, as was her mother who was busy sitting on a lounge chair socializing.)

She took it pretty well. Getting yelled at doesn't phase her at all. I know for a fact that she is used to getting in trouble, she even has her own personal chair at the Principal's office. It did, however, stop her momentarily.

I couldn't believe how badly her little friend wanted to hang out with her...she was willing to put up with so much abuse just to play with the cool supermodel of fourth grade. It was fascinating, in a sad way.

Luckily my daughter totally gets it! When we got in the car to leave she said. "I think Bad Seed pretends to be friends with some people, just so she can pick on them."


Let's just hope my astute little child remembers that the next time the little Queen Bee offers to help her out of the pool.

Footnote: Have you seen the movie "The Bad Seed?" It's from the 1950's and it rocks. It's all about this sweet looking little girl who turns out to be pure evil. There's really over the top bad acting and the plot is straight out of "The Twilight Zone."


Tennis Tuesday Two Days Early-Quotes From My Team Captain

When she lost a singles match..."She doesn't fuckin' belong on the court with me."

When she played doubles with her poor husband...(a beginner) "I hate bad tennis."

When she played against an Asian woman..."She plays that Chinese 'chop-chop' tennis."

When her best friend lost to a 60 year old woman ..."She's no good. She plays old lady tennis." (Hey she won didn't she??)

Working on the lineup for a match against a rival team..."She's going to shit her pants when she sees me come on the court."

When a doubles team lost in a big match..."What happened out there? Did you suck?"

After she ripped off her tennis tank and ran around in a sports bra after a big match..."Did you see that-I was slamming it...I had ORGASMS!"
You can't make this stuff up!


Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors bangs...

"Bangs. We covet them. Long, sideswept bangs, heavy curtains of bangs (short AND eyebrow skimming), bangs that form a 'u'---longer on the sides than in the middle...there's no hotter trend right now."

Just don't try it at home!!!


Oops, I did it again...

Okay...so here's the end of the story. After I wisely walked out of Great Clips I went home and read my daughters a story. As I was reading, of all things, "Rapunzel", my mind went back to my hair. Bangs are all the rage these days, so I decided to sneak over to the bathroom and cut myself some bangs. I pulled a pair of scissors out of the cabinet and snip, snip-hey-they looked pretty good!

The only problem was the front sides needed a little trim. No problem. Snip...oooh, awesome. Now the other side, snip...OH SHIT. Too short. I'm screwed.


I have a lopsided dutch boy mullet.

I'm not going to touch it for 2 weeks, and I've made an appointment with a professional. I don't even want to hear what she's going to say when she sees the butcher job I've done on myself.

It's a sickness I tell you. I should have let them do it at Great Clips. I'm sure the drug addicts who work there would have done a better job than I did.

I decided to put the picture back in. The ones below are the cute ones, with the hair behind my ears. As you can see, when it's not tucked away, it's lopsided and just plain BAD. Hopefully I will learn from this!!! Duh.

Before and after...

The picture on the left is my hair after six long months without a cut.

The picture on the right is after I butchered it. It can look cute if I keep it behind my ears. The minute the wind blow, or it slips from behind my ear, it looks totally bizarre.


I've been tagged by "A Day in the Life..." Thanks for thinking of me! Here goes nothing.

What was I doing 10 years ago?

1) moving into a new house
2) preparing for my wedding (July 18th, 1998)
3) Working for the American Red Cross
4) Planting perennials and rose bushes in our yard
5) sitting in a lounge chair on the patio, reading books and magazines cover to cover
6) going to the beach with just a towel and a bottle of suntan lotion

What are 6 things on my to-do list for today:

1) take Meg to swim team practice
2) take Catherine to a birthday party at "Paint Your Own Pottery"
3) buy groceries so my family doesn't starve this weekend
4) clean out the filthy minivan so my husband doesn't freak out when he gets in it
5) return some long overdo phone calls
6) my usual housewifely duties including laundry, cleaning, cooking and all that other boring shit.

Snacks I enjoy?

1) Swedish fish
2) chips and guacamole
3) apple cinnamon rice cakes
4) graham crackers
5) apples with peanut butter
6) Edemame

Things I would do if I were a billionaire?

1) Allow my husband to retire at the ripe old age of 41
2) pay off all my extended family's debt
3) donate to charities including research to find a cure for breast cancer and ALS.
4) travel the world
5) work extensively on becoming the best over 40 tennis player in the universe!
6) Buy homes in St. John, Maine, Manhattan and Italy.
7) Pay a professional to cut and color my hair.

Places I have lived?

Hoboken, New Jersey
Rumson, New Jersey
Syracuse, New York
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Miami, Florida

How did you name your blog?

Last summer my sister in law mentioned that she might start a blog. I told her about some blogs I read on a regular basis and the wheels in my brain started to spin. I didn't give it too much thought. I just combined my love of all things caffeinated with my love of tennis. Sometimes I wish I had come up with something a little more clever. Oh well, what's done is done.

Who am I tagging and do I want to know more about ?

If you are reading this and haven't done the meme...go for it! Let me know if you do!


Divine Intervention

Picture this...only with piles of hair covering every inch of the floor!


As you may or may not know, I've been growing out a short haircut for about six months. It's been an long and grueling process, and I'm finally starting to see progress. Like a recovering alcoholic, I've been taking it "one day at a time." Today, I almost fell off the wagon. BIG TIME. 

I was at a strip mall with my daughters running errands when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the plate glass window and realized that I needed to do something fast. I decided to go into Great Clips for a trim.

As I walked in I got a really bad feeling. There were piles of hair everywhere-it looked like no one had swept in days. The employees were beyond scary looking...bleach blond hair with black roots, faded tattoos on their ankles, bright blue eyeshadow and pissed off expressions on their haggard faces. Despite the frightening appearance of the salon and it's employees, I was still determined to get my hair trimmed.

I stood at the front desk with my two daughters, patiently waiting for one of the hairdressers to acknowledge me. My daughters started to whine immediately. "Mom, I have to go to the bathroom!!" No problem. I took them back to the FILTHY bathroom.

When we returned one of the very irritated looking Great Clips ladies finally spoke to me. "Can I help you?", she asked with absolutely no enthusiasm. I stood firm in my convictions, "Yes, I'd like to get my hair cut." She started to lead me over to a chair SURROUNDED by and covered with mounds of cut hair.

"Mom, we're hungry!" My daughters whined again. (Are my kids getting on your nerves yet?  Schools been out for a week and they certainly are getting on mine...)

Back to the subject.  It was as if a higher power was throwing obstacles in my path-desperately trying to stop me from making a huge mistake.  And in case you're wondering, yes, I'm self centered enough to think that God really gives a crap whether or not my hair looks good. :) 

Suddenly, I snapped back into reality. What in the hell was I thinking!!!? I almost let the most heinous looking, hungover, nasty woman in the world near my head with a pair of sharp scissors!!!

Once I had my wits back I thought quickly. "You know what? I'm going to get lunch for the kids and I'll come back later."

The stylist was cool with it. She followed us out front and lit up a Marlboro Red.

Wow, that was close.

Unfortunately the story doesn't end there...so tune in tomorrow for the ongoing saga of "Jill's Quest for a Normal Cut and Color." (And the perfect eyebrow arch!!)

P.S.  It doesn't have a happy ending.  :(

Why I LOVE tennis!

In case you haven't been watching the news lately-I thought I'd remind you that Wimbledon started on Monday...if you haven't watched yet-TURN IT ON.

It's on ESPN2 and The Tennis Channel (check you local listings). Oh what fun it has been! The personalities, the upsets, the DRAMA! (The good kind-not USTA housewife stuff.)

So inspiring-and one of the reasons I absolutely love the game.

Footnote: On "Tennis Tuesday" I'm sharing some of my horror stories, but for the most part, tennis is one of the highlights of my life. (Seriously.) I have met so many great friends, I've gotten in much better shape and I can't imagine not playing! Obsessed, yes...but in a good way. As for the idiots I talk about in my stories, they just make life more interesting!


Tennis Tuesday-A Babe in the Woods

Today is the first in my new series..."Tennis Tuesday."

Those of you who have experienced the absolute absurdity of USTA team tennis have probably had similar experiences. (Please share-I need to know I'm not alone!!)

If you haven't, trust me, for all the craziness, it's totally worth it, and I love it. (But hey-I'm a masochist...)

My goal for this whole experience is to find a team captain who is normal. So far that dream has been a little like searching for a unicorn, or a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Legend says it exists-but no one has actually seen it.

And so my story begins...

Three and a half years ago I found out about women's team tennis. "Cool," I thought, "what a fun chance to be on a team! Where do I sign up?"

I was very proactive and the owner of my tennis club introduced me to the captain of our ladies' 3.5 team. She sized me up and agreed to hit with me. After about an hour we left the court and sat in the lobby. "You can join." She informed me. I smiled. "You're IN." She repeated. I heard her the first time, and then realized that I didn't get excited enough. "GREAT-Thanks so much!!!" I replied, mustering as much enthusiasm as I could. She liked that much better. I didn't realize how grateful I should be for the honor.

It was a foreshadowing of things to come.

We held some team practices and for the most part everyone seemed nice enough. (Although there WERE a couple of girls who were totally sizing up the new kid (me) and seemed a little over the top) But that's a whole 'nother story.

Anyway, the day of our first match rolls around. I show up at the club in sporting my new team uniform wide eyed and ready to have some fun. Little did I know.

The first thing I heard was a gal from the opposing team telling a friend that she was so nervous that she puked on her way to the match. Bad sign.

The rest of the players started to file in. Their team...blond, clad in fancy sweat jackets and holding bags with at least two racquets in them.

Our team, a hodge-podge of hair dos and body types with one common denominator...none of us looked like we had just stepped out of hair and makeup.

I started to understand why that lady heaved out of her Lexus SUV on the way to the club.

My partner and I went to our assigned court and met our opposing team. A miniature blond, ripped like a mini Hulk Hogan and the only brunette on their team (who actually looked like she would fit in much better on our team!)

The match go under way, and it was a blur. All I remember is that every shot I hit was returned FULL FORCE by the little blond. She leaped, she dove, she sprinted. It was incredible. Occasionally her partner managed to get her racquet on the ball. Unlike the blond, the brunette made some mistakes. When she did, the blond berated her and told her exactly how to avoid f-ing up the next point. Ouch.

They beat us in 2 sets and we hit the lobby for some refreshments.

I noticed the brunette sitting on a couch looking sheepish while the blond wolfed down a plate of strawberries. I thought I'd be friendly and make conversation. ( I did mention that I'm a glutton for punishment didn't I?)

"Wow" I commented to the blond. "That was a great match. I wish we could have gone to three sets because toward the end I felt like I was starting to play much better."

Her reply, "No matter what you tried, I would have figured it out."

Okay...let me try again.

Me, "Were you a gymnast or a runner? You're in really great shape."

Blond..finger pointing at me. (No lie) "I'm a TENNIS PLAYER."

No shit bitch. Conversation over.

More craziness next week. Thanks for tuning in to "Tennis Tuesday."

Like Wimbledon-only without the manners.


Your assignment (if you choose to accept it)...

Let's face it...no one likes a fat alcoholic. Skinny alcoholics, on the other hand, are all the rage...(think Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Amy Winehouse or is she a drug addict? Whatever, she's skinny isn't she? That's all that counts.)

Anyway, if you want to be super cool, like these gals, try these fab recipes for Low-Cal Cocktails-they look yummy. Let me know what you think!

104-calorie Mojito

6 oz. diet lemon-lime soda

12 mint leaves

1/4 lime sliced 1 1/2 oz rum

5 to 8 ice cubes

Pulverize mint and lime in glass.

Add soda and rum.

Stir well. Add ice. Garnish with mint and lime.

You save 146 calories!!

115 - calorie Margarita

6 oz. diet lemon-lime soda

1 1/2 oz tequila

1 packet sugar free lemonade flavored drink mix

2 tbsp. lime juice

5 to 8 ice cubes or 1 cup crushed ice

Stir first four ingredients together and pour over ice, or for a frozen version, place all ingredients in blender and blend until smooth.

Garnish with a lime wedge.

You saved 625 calories!

P.S. You might want to mix up a pitcher of these before "Tennis Tuesday" my new series on my trials and tribulations on the courts of suburban Jersey. Trust me...you'll need it.


Mother of the Year

Now there are some eyebrows that make a statement!!!

Conversation with my 4-year old this morning.

C: Do all ladies become mothers?

Me: Only if they want to have children.

C: When I have kids I'm going to leave them with a babysitter. Kids ask for too much stuff and I'll tell them they can't have my money. I'll be at Radio City Music Hall. (She wants to be a Rockette.)

What a heartwarming moment. I'm so glad I've fostered such a spirit of generosity in my child.


I've lost my mojo...

Just because my friend Doug "Just Did It" doesn't mean I'll be following suit. It's a really cute idea. But I don't think I have the mojo for it. My husband, on the other hand, has mojo to spare!

My husband thinks Doug is brilliant because every man in America is going to buy this book for his wife.

Once he reads the book, I'm sure I'll be hearing alot of...(insert British accent) "Should we shag now, or shag later?" (insert New Jersey accent) "Oy vey."

Okay, enough already with the INSERT. (Why..."does that word make you HORNY baby??")

Damn you Austin Powers and double damn you Doug and Annie!!!

Footnote: Even if you don't plan on doing the nasty every day for 101 days, you SHOULD buy the book. Doug is very entertaining and I'm sure his spin on this subject will make for great reading.


You go Doug!

My childhood friend (and my sister's prom date) wrote this book. Currently he and his adorable wife Annie are on a book tour and have appeared on "The Today Show," "The View" and various other talk shows. Fox Studios has purchased the movie rights, so we may all be going to see "Just Do It" on the big screen someday. Don't let the subject matter turn you off. This book is about relationships, love and reconnecting. JUST BUY IT!!! (Available June 24th at a bookstore near you.)

Here's a brief synopsis on the book:

Creeping into middle-age and saddled with work deadlines, child-rearing, homemaking, and fourteen years of togetherness, an ordinary, happy but harried couple set an outlandish goal: to have sex for 101 consecutive days--no excuses (not even the flu, late-night child wanderings, or flat-out exhaustion).

What ensued is by turns hilarious, tender, and seductive, including sexual romps in hotels (both cheap and classy), at an ashram, in a basement, atop boulders and unstable easy chairs, but most often in their own bedroom, which they dubbed the "sex den." As Doug and Annie Brown literally screwed their way through months of a cold Colorado winter, they turned up the heat by attending the Adult Entertainment Expo in Vegas (the Oscars of the porn world); taking Bikram "hot" yoga to get limber; and stocking up on candles, Viagra (just in case), lube, lingerie, and sex toys galore.

But besides the awe in their ability to get it on day after day--and actually enjoy it--they were more surprised and touched by how much closer they became, relishing conversations, holding hands, hanging out in hip coffee shops together instead of in the aisles of Target, and firming up (no pun intended) a relationship that already seemed as good as it could get.

Seeking out babysitters, getting fit, and dressing up, these two forty-year-olds began courting each other the way they did when they first met in their twenties, only seven moves and two pregnancies later. As Doug Brown lays everything bare--from his triumphs to his tanks (yes to making love on an exercise ball; no to Tantric sex tricks), we get an inside look at the male mind and discover that a good husband and a good dad can also be one hell of a lover.

The jolt that every marriage needs and longs for, Just Do It proves that even when it feels like there’s never enough time or energy, trust Annie and Doug...THERE IS.


Who knew? (Not me)

A couple of weeks ago I noticed that my eyebrows were looking less than well groomed. Rather than go through the time and expense of a professional waxing, I took a tweezer to them and thought they were lookin' pretty good.

Little did I know...

My neighbor, who I love and who has great taste, told me that she had just returned from a visit to the "Arch Angels." The what??! Yes, the "Arch Angels." They are two women who all the ladies in the know go to to have their eyebrows done to perfection. Apparently the shape of your eyebrows can really make a huge difference in your appearance. I have to admit, my friend's eyebrows were a work of art. She opened my eyes to a whole new world.

I started noticing other people's eyebrows and now I GET IT! Sooo, for the next couple of weeks I will be growing in my overzealous pluck job, at which time I will truck my hiney over to the "Arch Angels" for a $28 eyebrow makeover.

This could change my life. (And it's sooo much cheaper than Botox.)


Turn that frown upside down!

As you may recall, I was a bit P.O.ed yesterday. I had a pretty hard time letting it go, so I decided to try to do something positive.

Sooo, today I made some calls to some people in my life who I have been neglecting and I followed through on some favors I've owed.

Having someone break a promise to me was a wake up call. It hurts when people say they're going to do something and then they don't follow through.

I also received an apology phone call from the woman who did me wrong. Some people advised me to let her have it and tell her off. I chose not too. In the long run I have to see this person at least a few times a week, why create a battle? I don't really trust her anymore, but I'm not going to go for her throat.

I wonder if she knows how close she came to feeling the sharp thud of a rock on her cranium? Lucky for her I'm such a mature, level headed person-damn I love myself.


Temper Temper!!

Since I fear certain parties might read this blog, I can't give details about why I'm upset. All I can tell you is I feel really pissed about something right now.

If I were a five year old I'd stomp my feet and scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" I'd probably cry and lash out. But I'm not five. I'm a grown up, and I know that life isn't always fair. So I will grin and bear it. I'll count my blessings, things could be worse. Life is pretty good and I should be thankful for that.

Sometimes when friends don't play nice, you have to find some new friends, or lower you expectations for the ones you have.

(And all those other cliches we tell ourselves when things don't go our way.)

I'll remain calm and move on with my life.

But every once in awhile I'll fantasise about being five, and hitting the person who dissed me in the head with a rock. A REALLY BIG ROCK.


Pooh Hoo!

Today my daughter's third grade teacher sent home a newsletter with all the upcoming activities for the last two weeks of school.

At the end of the letter she put a quote...

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you
must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you
seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if
we're apart...I'll always be with you."

-Winnie the Pooh

I don't tend to get choked up very often. (It's amazing how Valium and vodka mellow me out! ) :) But this quote brought up alot of emotions for me.

First of all, I cannot believe how much my 8 year old has grown and matured in the past year. It hit home for me that before I know it she'll be a teenager. My five year old starts kindergarten in September and I will miss her terribly! She's ready and I know it's time.

As my girls grow up, I hope they remember those wise words from that cute little bear. That they are brave, strong and smart and that even though they are growing up, Mom is always with them and loves them more than words can say.


Haiku Friday-Sad Little Machine

Haiku Friday

The days are longer
Temperature's a risin'
Lonely computer

How I neglect you!
You sit alone and untouched
The hours tick away...

So many late nights
In the deep freeze of winter
You sat on my lap

You entertained me
I lovingly tapped your keys
You knew my secrets

Now I've replaced you
With surf and suntan lotion
Family comes first

Be patient...and wait...
Labor Day will soon be here
And I will be back...

Footnote: This doesn't mean I won't be blogging, it just means that it's getting harder and harder to sit down at my computer now that the weather is so nice! I miss it.


Let's talk about LUST baby...

It's Terrible Tuesday again, and today I'm covering the last of the seven deadly sins. LUST.

Now before you expect me to start spilling my guts about wild rolls in the hay with my garbage man, think about it. I'm over 40, married and have 2 kids. This isn't Wisteria Lane people. All my good stories are from years ago, and since my parents read this blog-I'm not talking. There are some doozies though...I remember it so well, Summer of 1985...Ocean City NJ...a lifeguard named Chad...oops-see you got my mind wandering.

As I was saying...I'm not going to kiss and tell.

But seriously folks, I did a little research on the subject of lust, and it's not all about sex. Lust can be:

"the craving for physical pleasures of all kinds. An inordinate desire to avoid pain, for physical and even emotional comfort, the best food and wine, the best looking car, can all be forms of lust. Lust denies our spiritual nature and promotes the lie that "this is all there is." We try to make a heaven on earth, but instead we create a hell. Other people become ways of satisfying our needs. They are merely objects to service us, bring us food, run our business, give us pleasure. We want to reduce the population of the world so we won't have to share or we want more children so they can carry on the family business. Everyone else becomes a means to an end."

The sin of lust lies in looking for happiness outside of yourself. When I find myself saying, "I'll be happy if I win tomorrow's tennis match." Or if I see my children throw a fit because they "have to" have a certain toy..I remind them (and myself) that happiness has to come from within. An undefeated tennis record, or a new Wii game is not going to MAKE YOU HAPPY. It might, for a fleeting moment, but you really have to find it within yourself, not by buying, or winning something.

And so, my friends, this ends my series on The Seven Deadly Sins. I hope you enjoyed it. I'm kind of at a loss for what to blog about on Tuesdays from now on. If you have any suggestions, I'm taking requests.

Now I'm going to go to bed...to dream about the summer of 1985, under the boardwalk in Ocean City, NJ-nighty night.


Taking the law into our own hands...

Great news! My neighbors and I have formed a vigilante speeding enforcement group on our street.

If you visit in my town and speed down my street, be prepared to be hit with a wiffle ball, confronted directly by an angry housewife pursuing you on foot or, if we're REALLY mad, nailed with a soccer ball on your windshield.

You have been warned.

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