6.24.2008

Tennis Tuesday-A Babe in the Woods



Today is the first in my new series..."Tennis Tuesday."

Those of you who have experienced the absolute absurdity of USTA team tennis have probably had similar experiences. (Please share-I need to know I'm not alone!!)

If you haven't, trust me, for all the craziness, it's totally worth it, and I love it. (But hey-I'm a masochist...)

My goal for this whole experience is to find a team captain who is normal. So far that dream has been a little like searching for a unicorn, or a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Legend says it exists-but no one has actually seen it.

And so my story begins...

Three and a half years ago I found out about women's team tennis. "Cool," I thought, "what a fun chance to be on a team! Where do I sign up?"

I was very proactive and the owner of my tennis club introduced me to the captain of our ladies' 3.5 team. She sized me up and agreed to hit with me. After about an hour we left the court and sat in the lobby. "You can join." She informed me. I smiled. "You're IN." She repeated. I heard her the first time, and then realized that I didn't get excited enough. "GREAT-Thanks so much!!!" I replied, mustering as much enthusiasm as I could. She liked that much better. I didn't realize how grateful I should be for the honor.

It was a foreshadowing of things to come.

We held some team practices and for the most part everyone seemed nice enough. (Although there WERE a couple of girls who were totally sizing up the new kid (me) and seemed a little over the top) But that's a whole 'nother story.

Anyway, the day of our first match rolls around. I show up at the club in sporting my new team uniform wide eyed and ready to have some fun. Little did I know.

The first thing I heard was a gal from the opposing team telling a friend that she was so nervous that she puked on her way to the match. Bad sign.

The rest of the players started to file in. Their team...blond, clad in fancy sweat jackets and holding bags with at least two racquets in them.

Our team, a hodge-podge of hair dos and body types with one common denominator...none of us looked like we had just stepped out of hair and makeup.

I started to understand why that lady heaved out of her Lexus SUV on the way to the club.

My partner and I went to our assigned court and met our opposing team. A miniature blond, ripped like a mini Hulk Hogan and the only brunette on their team (who actually looked like she would fit in much better on our team!)

The match go under way, and it was a blur. All I remember is that every shot I hit was returned FULL FORCE by the little blond. She leaped, she dove, she sprinted. It was incredible. Occasionally her partner managed to get her racquet on the ball. Unlike the blond, the brunette made some mistakes. When she did, the blond berated her and told her exactly how to avoid f-ing up the next point. Ouch.

They beat us in 2 sets and we hit the lobby for some refreshments.

I noticed the brunette sitting on a couch looking sheepish while the blond wolfed down a plate of strawberries. I thought I'd be friendly and make conversation. ( I did mention that I'm a glutton for punishment didn't I?)

"Wow" I commented to the blond. "That was a great match. I wish we could have gone to three sets because toward the end I felt like I was starting to play much better."

Her reply, "No matter what you tried, I would have figured it out."

Okay...let me try again.

Me, "Were you a gymnast or a runner? You're in really great shape."

Blond..finger pointing at me. (No lie) "I'm a TENNIS PLAYER."

No shit bitch. Conversation over.

More craziness next week. Thanks for tuning in to "Tennis Tuesday."

Like Wimbledon-only without the manners.


30 comments:

Alison said...

I always wanted to take up tennis, but I think I will just stay on the sidelines and read your stories instead!

Jules said...

OMG!!!! I cannot believe it! I JUST started playing...I mean never ever played before and I am taking lessons (beginner) in a class at the club...this make sme not want to play a real game EVER. LOL

Sorry!

Jill@Who Could Ask for Anything More said...

Oh, I feel your pain. I have played both USTA and ALTA (a local tennis league in the Atlanta area) and was even stupid enough to volunteer to be a team captain for ALTA once. These tennis women can be unbelievable. I really just joined for social and recreational reasons. In no way was I really SERIOUS! ha! I had so many bad experienes with poor sportsmanship, etc. I finally just quit. I don't miss the drama a bit. My husband plays and has not had any issues.

M.A. said...

OMGoodness....that is TOO much! That makes me nervous just thinking about it! My bf plays on a tennis team but it is nothing like that. Can't wait for more stories!

LunaNik said...

I was not aware of all the shit that flies out of ladies' mouths on the tennis court. Maybe you should consider wearing a helmet! Man alive what a beyotch!!

Mrs. K said...

wow...i haven't had anyone tell me that- but having the volleyball background I do, my overheads are pretty good. I only started playing team tennis this year (march and it was almost over) and the worst I've gotten about that is a talk that the ladies were complaining I hit my overhead too hard and right AT them...and I was like- isn't that the object? hit at their feet? my coach looked at me and said...uhm....yeah...so I said, ok then thanks for backing me up! I walked away and have never been told that again.

Feener said...

i steer CLEAR of these bitches.

Bridget said...

Ok, I am going to admit that I caught a couple of episodes of the House Wives of New York or Manhattan or whatever and one of them was THE tennis match. Until that point I had no idea how seriously the ladies take these "friendly" tennis matches! OMG

Sounds like that little blond needs to pull the stick out of her ass, read your low calorie drink post, and relax! You need to give me the brunettes number though, the day a blond bullies a brunette (no offense blondes)there is something wrong...she needs to go to Bridget's School of You Don't Know What Is! Ha,ha

Sorry too much red bull today :)

Tres Poshe Preppy said...

LMAO! Seriously, what is up with some of these ladies (I use that term loosely)! YIKES! Keep up posted!

melissa said...

I fell for you! This is exactly why I quite ladies team tennis MANY years ago!! The drama, the nastiness and just plain bitchy women - not for me! ;)

Melissa

linda said...

It's admirable that you continue to play with this group of pushy, overbearing "ladies"....Stories are pretty much the same here on LI, unfortunately. I fantasize that somewhere down South are still civilized people behaving themselves.

Brie said...

I'm in jersey too and the stories are frighteningly similar. I don't play but my neighbor fills me in on all the zitchyness ;)

Maddie said...

You are so not alone...although my tennis dramas seem to all be more inter-club and inter-team. You know people you thought you knew well, maybe even considered a friend, and then "ouch" a knife in the back. Oh, but what would life be without these tennis court sagas???

Lane Boyz Mom said...

Ahhh yes, I bet we could all sit around and compare stories about our days on the court! LOL

One girl, who had a perfect record, naturally *gag* was playing our court one girls, one which happens to be my closest friend, well...our girls beat them, and I kid you not, she sat on the bench CRYING...yes, CRYING because she lost!!

This is the same girl that was six days overdue with her baby over a year ago and refused to NOT play when one of our girls, who typically plays mixed doubles, so plays HARD, she was scared to death she would hit the pregnant wench and she YELLED at our girl..."I HAVE ALREADY RAN THREE MILES THIS MORNING, IF YOU WANT TO FORFEIT, THEN THAT IS FINE, BUT I WILL NOT"....yup, she really needs to realize we do not get paid for this, right? ROFL

ConverseMomma said...

Yikes! She sure sounded like a heck of a good time. Good luck on your next match.

The 5 Bickies said...

I love your tennis stories!
I haven't played in 2 weeks and am totally having withdrawal!

SnappyCasualGifts said...

I joined USTA last year and played on a 3.5 team but not the traveling one wanting to go to State. I hated it. Everyone was all about the matching outfits, trying to play these combo and a bunch of other crap. I just really wanted a group to hit with and get together from time to time to play matches. If you hadn't guessed I didn't renew my membership.

Happy Homemaker said...

OMG!! The finger and everything! I think that other team you played was from MY club! (Just kidding)

I want to get back into tennis one day but I can tell (just from taking my daughter to her lessons there) that a lot of the 'ladies' who currently play are like that. Yuk!

Anonymous said...

I play on a team in SC and everything she says is the dang gospel.. Some of these women seriosly have nothing else but tennis in their lives and trust me it can be a bit of a freak show.. Quite frankly I find humor in just laughing at themm.. I play Thursday, I will fill you in!!
]Anonymous B

DysFUNctional Mom said...

All I can think of is the sound of cats hissing.
Was fur flying all over the court?
Yikes!

thorngren said...

Rub it in their faces-how much better you are as a player and much happier you are as a person. This could really be fun!
Can't wait to hear more!

sltbee69 said...

For shit sakes! It so sad that women are such evil beyotches! I swear they can be more competitive than men.

Smart A$$ Mom said...

In a perfect world we could fire inappropriate comments right back:

'Wow! I heard your team had someone still pissed about being picked over for The Cup, I didn't figure I would get the honor of playing her.'

'A little peeved you were seeded with The Brunette-I feel ya.'

Paula said...

Wow! Those ladies would totally intimidate me, but I guess that's what they want to do. Our team is all about fun, followed by wine.

Polly said...

LOL! And just when I was thinking of showing up at the community courts to join the summer morning regulars....

Karen MEG said...

Tennis eludes me. Now I'm really scared!

So, tagged ya, only if you wanna play...

Emily said...

keep the stories coming. i am in a sling for 6 weeks. that would be half of spring i missed, all of summer and probably all if not most of fall combo. do NOT tear your rotator cuff!!!!

scargosun said...

That is flippin hilarious! I can't wait to hear more. :)

KHE said...

And I thought playgroups were bad enough. Remind me not to take up tennis.

Jaina said...

What a jerk! Good grief. I like this series, I'm looking forward to reading more of your tennis court adventures.

 
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