There's a new girl in town!

We have a new neighbor! My mother and husband both told me about her a few weeks ago, but I finally caught a glimpse of her moving in today. She's not even unpacked and already she's the talk of our neighborhood. Why? Because she's a hot babe!

That's right, a piece of eye candy just moved in right across the street from me. My new neighbor is a single, blonde bombshell in tight jeans. How wonderful.

The funny thing is that most of us found out about her from our husbands. They all had the same funny tone in their voices when they told us, "WE HAVE A NEW NEIGHBOR." (As they attempted to sound nonchalant) Every single one of us picked up on the tone immediately and every single one of us knew instantaneously to ask, "What does she look like?" Let's just call it women's intuition.

I've heard this tone before from my husband, and I can always tell when a new hottie has come into his universe. When he mentions, "There's a new girl as work." I hear the tone and HAVE to ask. Oh yeah, what does she look like? "Well, Jay thinks she's good looking, but she's not my type." Yeah right.

I totally trust him, but I get such a kick out of it when he tries to pretend he's not looking. One time he told me, "She's not my type, she's too perfect!" Thanks alot buddy. Glad you like your women flawed.

A friend of mine's husband is a photographer and he works with models all the time. My friend was feeling insecure one day and she started whining to her husband. (This girl is a TOTAL Fran Drescher type) "You see perfect women all the time, I'm getting old. I know you want to be with a model!" (I'm sure hearing her whine really helped matters.) Since he's a nice guy he tried to appease her. "Don't worry honey, I couldn't get a model!" HA! Nice try.

The bottom line is, our new neighbor has added a little excitement to our quiet little street. In more than one sense of the word! I'm sure she's a nice woman and tomorrow I'll bring her some cookies (to fatten her up) and introduce myself.

But let me tell you sista, if she comes over and asks my husband to help her kill a spider or unclog a pipe she's gonna have to deal with the business end of my tennis racquet! 'Nuff said.

Top Ten Reasons I have a Blog...

10. If my husband ever gets relocated chances are I'll have a couple of friends wherever we move.

9. I can bond with people without having to clean my house, serve coffee or brush my hair.

8. If something f-ed up happens I can look on the bright side and blog about it.

7. It's so much more fun than doing laundry or cleaning out closets.

6. No one can interrupt me or look bored when I rant and rave.

5. Whenever I have an issue, I usually discover that I'm not alone.

4. It's cheaper than going to Target.

3. I can get a little competitive (Dr. Zibbs...I may have only 76 followers, but I WILL catch up with you...you just wait!!)

2. I can make tons of money off the ads on my sidebar...(c'mon people-start clicking those ads, momma needs some new tennis sneakers!!)


and the number one reason I have a blog...


If I'm worried about telling my 9 year old about Santa she can read about it on my blog and my problem is solved!!! (Who knew she reads Caffeine Court everyday??? She never leaves comments. My daughter is a lurker!!!)

Aunt Ellen goes to jail (almost!)...

My aunt live 5 minutes away from my sister. (The one that has four children ranging in ages from 17 down to 5.) Anyway, she needed a photo taken for an I.D. card. She went to my sister's house and my sister took her picture with her digital camera. She then gave my aunt her CF Card. My aunt proceeded to go to CVS to get the photo printed. Since my aunt is not technologically savvy she asked an employee to assist her with printing the photo.

He inserted the CF Card into his computer and called up the images. (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING...)

Up pops about 25 pictures of my 5 year old nephew's bare butt, private parts and face! (There were some pictures of the dog's butt thrown in to add some variety to the mix!) Before you call the cops, it was pretty obvious that he had taken these photos of himself! My aunt was flabbergasted and I think the CVS employee could tell by the look on her face that she was as shocked as he was.

Needless to say my sister had a little talk with my nephew. Apparently he was "festering", as we call it, while mom was busy with his siblings and decided to have a private little photo session. Thankfully Aunt Ellen was not brought up on charges and the offending photos have been deleted from the family camera.

Whew. That could have gotten ugly.

Just another day in the life of my sister who if she had enough time should start her own blog!

*festering (verb)-when a child (usually the youngest) is left to his or her own devices while mom and dad are otherwise occupied. Festering activities may include cutting ones own hair, spilling nail polish on the couch or photographing ones private parts with the family camera.

Go ahead...MOCK my day!

There's a new trend in entertainment and it's called "the web show." One of the funniest is The Jeannie Tate Show, a new online series from writer-director Maggie Carey and writer-star Liz Cackowski. There's a great article all about it in New York Magazine.

Jeannie Tate is a minivan driving New Jersey soccer mom (hmmm, sounds familiar!) who interviews celebrities while she runs errands and drives her kids around. She usually picks her guests up at places like the dry cleaners or the train station and then has them sit in the backseat with her young children and surly teenage stepdaughter while she chats with them on camera. When her musical guests perform she takes that time to run into Pizza Hut for takeout dinner.

It's pretty much my life with a camera and celebrities thrown in the mix. She actually kind of looks like me! (And 75% of the women who live in my town.) Should I be offended? :)

The show's website is: The Jeannie Tate Show or you can go on YouTube and search Jeannie Tate .

Go Granny Go!

Brad and I were clicking through the channels when we came upon this show on Oxygen.

This woman is a 77 year old "renowned sex educator. " Here's a little description of the show from the Oxygen website.

On Talk Sex, Sue candidly answers each and every viewer query. Drawing on her wealth of knowledge gained from over twenty years of experience as a sex educator, she tackles all aspects of sexuality in a funny yet frank, informative
and non-judgmental manner.

Tonight's topic was "toys" and Sue Jo explained exactly how to use them! She really got into details! This show is not for the squeamish, but if you want a good laugh, check this one out.

Still more keywords...

Obviously I can't get enough of Google Analytics! My favorite information is the keywords used to reach my blog.

Here are some of the latest!

cakey crepey eye skin
fat pantyhose
what does Confucius say about donuts?
dirty cat fights
midlife mommy blogs
cosmetics for midlife
scoundrels are attractive

I hope the people searching for information on all these fascinating topics left my site a bit wiser. I am, after all, an authority on dirty cat fights, cakey, crepey eye skin and fat pantyhose. That's why you love me!

SCROLL DOWN SATURDAY

Here's a post from back in September. What did you do before you did what your doin' now?
(Did you follow that?)

<<<< That's me now!

What did y'all do for a career pre-children? If you are working, what type of job do you have?

I quit my job working for the American Red Cross in Blood Services ( I ran blood drives and recruited donors) when my oldest daughter was born in 1999.

Before that I was a bit of a rebel. After college I held a myriad of jobs including production assistant at QVC. (I promise to write all about that another time, so many great stories!) I also worked in production at Radio City Music Hall as well as freelance. I did (and still do) voice-overs and print ads. (I played a housewife before I ever actually became one!) In between gigs I sustained myself with bartending, waitressing and temp work in Manhattan.


Sometimes I miss my life in my twenties. I'd never go back, (I'm a little too old to live on the edge again) but my friends were really funny. My acting and entertainment friends were very upfront about their shortcomings, we knew everything about each other and we would always find the humor in some of the most depressing situations! Now I'm in my early forties and live in a town where for many people it's all about appearances, lots of Wall Street types, not too much diversity. Luckily for me I've found a great group of friends who aren't wrapped up in the BS and we all have a great time "keepin' it real."

HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!

Are you diggin' my new look? I sure am! Thanks so much to Courtney from Judith Shakespeare design for the completely cool new template for Caffeine Court!

I asked for something simple and fun and boy did she deliver! If you want a new look for your blog that won't cost you an arm and a leg-click on the link and let Courtney work her magic for you!

Footnote: My husband and I were just chatting about my redesign. I feel like I've changed my "blog persona" it's a little shocking to sign on and see a whole new look! I feel like I got an "Extreme Makeover!"

Random hyperactive thoughts...

I had the pleasure of going to our local mall today to return some clothes that my daughter didn't like. As usual, there were lots whack jobs hanging around. The closest mall to me really stinks, which is probably a good thing.

I love getting a good massage, but I can think of nothing worse than sitting face down in the middle of the mall getting one of those 15 minute massages. I would be worried someone was rifling through my purse or looking at my butt crack. And the people giving the massages look like Quasimodo.

Speaking of the mall. I don't know about you, but here in Jersey we have this line of kiosks with these really pushy people who literally HARASS you when you try to get to Old Navy. If you're with your kids they tell you how GORGEOUS your children are and how if you give them $800 you can get your child in commercials. Then the Dead Sea something or other guy charges towards me BEGGING to buff my nails. Just as I manage to fight the nail buffer off, some dude with a microwavable herbal stress relief cushion tries to accost me and put it on my neck. I dodge and weave leaving him in the dust, only to be attacked my the flat iron guy who wants to curl my hair into Shirley Temple ringlets and then sell me a $150 ceramic hair tool.

I finally make it past all these pushy obnoxious sales people and end up walking past the window of Hot Topic which is filled with t-shirts that depict people with severe head injuries. WTF!!!???

The only good thing about this experience is I'm anxious to get the hell out of the mall, thus reducing my financial output.

So, I go home to my dogs, and watch them mount each other attempting to establish an "alpha dog." I don't know which is worse. The mall guys or my pets.

Such is the life of a New Jersey housewife. It's really NOT as glamorous as it looks.

The Australian Open-Glamour Grand Slam Final

Even if you don't play tennis, don't miss tonight's women's finals which pits Serbian number 4 seed Ana Ivanovic against Russian number 5 seed Maria Sharapova! Tune in to ESPN2 tonight at 9:30 to watch two amazing athletes and glamorous personalities go head-to-head in what is sure to be an AMAZING match up! I promise it will be much more entertaining than anything else on TV tonight! I'm sure they'll be more drama all the episodes of "Real Housewives" combined.

(And both girls are NATURALLY gorgeous! Which means your husband will probably want to watch with you!)

IT'S MUST SEE TV!

The Haunted Plot Thickens...

A few days ago I posted about some spooky experiences both my friend and I have had.

I spoke with my friend yesterday and she had ANOTHER story.

First of all, her 6 year old daughter was crying one day and she said "Mommy, I don't like this house, there are people who TOUCH me!" My friend was alarmed so she asked what her daughter meant by touching. Her daughter told her that there are people who POKE her in the shoulder. Later on my friend said to her daughter. "You're lucky, you can see angels." Her daughter replied that these people do NOT look like angels. CREEPY!

Last week her husband was chatting with an older gentleman who lives in the neighborhood next to theirs. Her husband was saying how much he loves his new town and house and how he got such a great deal on his home. The old man said, "no wonder you got a good deal, your house is haunted!" My friends hubby dropped the subject and told the man that he doesn't believe in that kind of stuff.

Anyway, he went home and told my friend and she is freaked out again. She kind of wants to ask the man what he knows about her house. I'm interested in hearing what he has to say, but maybe she's better off NOT knowing. What would you do? Would you want to speak to the man about the "haunted house" or would you rather not hear it? So bizarre!

Real Housewives Finale-Kind of a Dud...

Another season of Real Housewives bites the dust. My gut tells me this was probably the last! I think I would have been more interested in seeing all the housewives without makeup than seeing George and Lauri's wedding, but since that's never going to happen, I'll move on to my recap.

Let's start with Quinn and Billy. That whole "Roxie" thing was so ridiculous. Throwing on a blonde wig and making small talk is not going to spice things up Quinn! No wonder they broke up! I don't blame him for bailing. All they ever talked about was their "relationship!" BORING! He tried to steer the conversation onto another topic, but she seemed incapable of doing anything other than harp on all their problems.

Lauri and George's wedding...gorgeous! It looked like a glorious day. I love the green bridesmaids dresses, I've never seen anything like them! It's amazing what $300,000 will buy!

I feel for Josh. Lauri seems pretty dead set on making everything in her life "perfect." When I look at what she's done to her face and breasts, the way she wears her makeup, I see issues. Even though she has a nice personality-the amount of plastic surgery she's had sends up warning flags for me. I hope he can stop doing drugs. I'm sure he had a tumultuous childhood, but now he needs to accept help and clean up his act.

Jeana's BBQ at the end was interesting. As usual I enjoyed watching Jeana gunning for Don-looks like Quinn wants to get in on the action too!

The cameo by Jo might be foreshadowing a little Jo De La Rosa reality show...I guess we'll all have to wait with baited breath.

March 4th we get a peek into the lives of some "Real Housewives of New York City!" Lots of fur coats, I hope they're faux, or PETA might be paying them a visit!

In the meantime, if you're interested in purchasing some of the happenin' fashions sported by the O.C. ladies you can go on Bravo's website. I've got my eye on this fetching Black Snake Medallion Top. I will look sooo hot at 7-11! :)

A trip down memory lane with the boy next door...

Yesterday I called a friend of mine from childhood who grew up next door to me. His name is Frank and now he's a married father of three and a partner in a law firm. I wanted to rib him a little about our upcoming 25 year high school reunion. (There is no way in hell he'll go!) I also needed some free legal advice on a business idea my husband has. Anyway,we got to talking about the old times and he reminded me of a story that completely cracked me up! (All the funnier that it was about me...don't we all love a good funny story about ourselves!?)

Here's the story. Senior year in high school, Frank's parents went away for the weekend and he had a party. One of our friends, Lauren L. got drunk at the party and went home wasted. Her mother was really angry and called Frank's house. She left a message with Frank for his mother to call her back. Frank was shaking in his boots. He was a very well behaved kid who was not used to getting in trouble. Lucky for him he lived next door to a not so well behaved girl who always had a plan.

I've had a low, rather mature voice my starting at about age 12. So I called Lauren's mother pretending to be Frank's mom. (These were the days before caller ID). I apologized for what happened to her daughter at my home. I then assured her that I would not be leaving my sons EVER again and that my son, Frank was grounded for a month.

I was extremely convincing and she bought it hook, line and sinker. Problem solved.

It was so funny to talk about some of the funny times we had growing up, and I didn't feel so bad about asking for free legal advice when I was reminded of how my buddy owed me BIG TIME for bailing him out 25 years ago!

Anyway, my conversation with my childhood friend reinforced how excited I am to go to the reunion and laugh with by buds about the "good old days!"

The Gang's All Here!

Have you ever noticed that there are some people who always round up a posse-no matter what they do? If they go out to dinner on a Saturday night, they go with 3 other couples. If they have to stuff envelopes for a PTA mailing, they organize 20 other ladies to join them. Vacation? Let's rent a house with 2 other families!!! The MORE the merrier! A trip to Costco? I'll call Suzy to join me! (Need more examples? Don't worry, I'll stop!) Anyway...

I envy these people. In my younger days I had a big group of friends. We would "hang out" all the time. Beach houses, ski houses, parties. It was so much fun.

Now, at the ripe old age of 42 I've become a bit of a "lone wolf" (I'm kind of like the Fonz of suburbia.) When Brad and I go to dinner or a movie, I like throwing on a pair of jeans and just winging it. On vacation, unless I go with family I'd rather keep it just the four of us.

My daughters have very active social lives and, of course, I'm always along for the ride. Pick ups, drop offs, sleepovers, playdates, I love that they have lots of friends.

I'm torn on the big group dynamic thing. I worry that I don't do it because I don't want to compromise on what I want to do, or because I'm just plain lazy!!

Whenever I go to a party I always have a great time...I just don't seek out every opportunity to have a play group, ladies night out, or Sunday afternoon football party. I like to travel light, keep my options open, no ties, no commitments, no obligations, I'm a selfish, solitary, loner. (Whoa, I got a little carried away there!)

How about you? Social butterfly? Or LONE WOLF?

Do you believe?

You're alone in your house, on the computer, making a bed. or reading a book. All of a sudden you get a weird feeling. The feeling that you are NOT alone. Maybe you aren't. MAYBE there is someone or SOMETHING that you can't see keeping you company. MAYBE you have a ghost!!

Okay, before you call me a total freak, hear me out. When Brad and I first got married we lived in a 100 year old house. Sometimes when I was alone I would feel like there was someone else there with me. I never saw anything, I just had the strange feeling that I was not alone when I was the only one home.

We moved out of that house and kept it as a rental property. One day I was chatting with a tenant and she said to me. "Do you know that your house is haunted?" I was surprised and acted like I didn't know what she was talking about. (Hey - we needed the rent money!!) "Oh yeah" she said, "it's definitely haunted. Lights switch on and off, doors move, that house is haunted." Hmmm. Later on I found out that a 9 month old little girl had died in the house in the early 80s. I don't know if that has anything to do with what I felt, but I did think about it from time to time.

A friend of mine is convinced that the new house she moved into is haunted. Her 6 year old daughter has said she has seen a man "dressed in Daddy's clothes" standing in the master bedroom looking out the window. The kids in the neighborhood call their house "the haunted house, " and I get that "weird feeling" in certain rooms, including the master bedroom.

The construction workers who renovated our current house found a working well from the 1800s while digging in our backyard. They asked if I ever saw the movie "The Ring." (I haven't) Apparently someone uncovers a well which releases evil spirits who stir up all kinds of horror. It freaked me out for about a second, and I have never had the "feeling" in our current house, so I think our well was free of evil spirits!! :)

Anyway, these construction guys specialized in old homes and they had some ghost stories from some homes they had worked on. The stories were really fun to listen to. It reminded me of being at summer camp or a sleepover party.

So. What do you think? Have you ever had the "weird feeling" that I told you about..or have I read too many Stephen King novels?

DO YOU BELIEVE???

Love match???

HEY EVERYONE! It's "Scroll Down SUNDAY" Here's a post from my rookie blogging days...

My husband and I started playing mixed doubles a few weeks ago. Last week Brad was on a business trip, so I played with another partner. No biggie right? Wrong!

Both my Dad and sister had lots of questions. My sister said her husband would be angry if she played tennis with another man. My Dad was concerned also. Would this upset Brad? Who was my partner? I really stirred up the pot.

Frankly, I was surprised. It's tennis for Pete's sake! I asked Brad if he was jealous. But before I let him answer I proceeded to mention that my partner was not that good looking. As though if he looked like Antonio Banderas my husband would have something to worry about! If you're going to cheat, then you will. I don't think it has anything to do with how many men you see in a day, or how good looking they are! I stay at home with my kids, but I see men everyday, just because someone delivers a UPS package to my door, or picks up my trash and just happens to be male, it doesn't mean I can't control myself. (There's a porno movie somewhere in this train of thought.) My point is, that I took a vow and as boring as it sounds I'm sticking with it. When people question things like playing mixed doubles I wonder where their heads are at. I think the most suspicious people are usually the most guilty.

The only exception for me is the whole "Dancing with the Stars" thing. If Brad were a celebrity and they asked him to go on the show, my answer would be an emphatic NO! That, my friend, is a little too familiar for me. When I play tennis I'm not wearing high heels, a micro-mini and straddling my partner. (Unless of course my partner is Brad!)

I will admit that sometimes I forget to wear my bloomers and go commando on the court, (See above photo), and yet no one makes a pass at me! So Dad and Sis, you've got nothing to worry about! Thursday nights are all about a bunch of middle aged people getting sweaty and breathing heavy on the court, not between the sheets!

"Real Housewives Heats Up": January 15th Recap

I'm finally getting to my "Real Housewives" review! (I think I need to get a job!)

Another good one this week. I love that the attention is off the kids and back where it should be-with the Housewives!

Looks like things with Quinn and Billy are looking up. I hope things work out with them. She is so lonely and I think she needs a husband DESPERATELY! They sure do know how to suck down those glasses of wine! I'd be a wreck if I drank as much as she does. To the left is a nice shot of her LONG cleavage.

The setup for George and Lauri's wedding looks incredible. I can't even imagine how much moola went into it! I CAN'T WAIT until next week! I liked the flashbacks to Lauri's single mom days when Laurelei told her she should lower her standards. Good for Lauri for sticking to her guns!

The big news this week was Tamra's 40th birthday party on Simon's new yacht. This party was a perfect example of "if you've got it, flaunt it!" The whole diamond encrusted Rolex thing was so tacky! To add fuel to the fire, Vicki was so jealous of the Rolex and resentful that her husband never bought her one! Ewww.

Simon and Tamra do make a cute couple and she is always fun to watch. Apparently they have sex everyday or he can't sell cars. Dr. Oz would approve of that! My sister in law told me that he recommends 200 big O's per year to improve our health. Interesting concept...but I digress. (How about when her Mom said she has a TRAMP STAMP?!) Looks like mom had a few too many Cosmos!!! All in all a good time was had by all at Tamra's soiree!

My favorite part of the show? When Jeana admitted that she has a little crush on Vicki's husband Donn. Apparently Vicki doesn't want him anymore, so I think she should give him to Jeana.

As for Tammi-the show seems to have dropped her storyline like a hot potato. Now they just toss her into the Botox parties and wedding showers, but she sure doesn't say much.

The whole Lauri/Josh therapist thing didn't really pan out. It certainly didn't look like they were making progress. I was expecting a big confrontation. Maybe next week.

Tune in for next weeks' big finale! I'm so sad because to see the season end...as you can tell I LOVE those Coto ladies!

March 4th is the premiere of "Real Housewives of New York City!" It won't be as foreign to me as the O.C. lifestyle, but it looks extremely entertaining nonetheless!

Google Analytics Part II

Here are some of the latest keywords that led people to Caffeine Court. If you haven't signed up for Google Analytics yet, DO IT! It's always fun to see how readers find your blog.

(P.S. Thank you to Clemsongirl-her site tops the list for referrals to my blog!)

germaphobic wife
popper knockers
shit begone
Webkinz on Caffeine
pimping out her own daughter
dog poop embarrass
pap smear
where to meet cougar women in Orange County
will caffeine make my boobs hurt?

MLK and Wacko Jacko

This morning as I was getting my 8 year old daughter ready for school we had an interesting conversation:

DD: School is closed Monday to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday.

Me: Do you know why Martin Luther King was a great man?

DD: Yes, he said people should not be judged by the color of their skin.

PAUSE

DD: I guess Michael Jackson didn't agree with that, because he peeled his skin to make it white!

Once again, I really need to hide my National Enquirers!

My new buddy Mehmet...

Okay-so Monday I took my Dad to Columbia Presbyterian for an appointment with his surgeon.

As we enter the waiting room I noticed a woman getting a book autographed by a doctor. She had a really elated look on her face-so I took notice. Then she gushed "Thank you so much Dr. Oz!!" I glanced over at the sign... Mehmet C. Oz, MD, FACS

It all came together for me...THE Dr. Oz. From Oprah! He shares an office with my dad's doc. Anyway-I became very intrigued by this Dr. Oz fellow. He spoke at a luncheon at my town and all the ladies were jumping up and down about him. Oprah loves him. My little (37 year old) sister digs him. This lady clearly LOVED him. So I did a little research. He's quite an interesting man-as is his wife Lisa.

This morning my mom went to Barnes & Noble and bought some of his books. (The rich get richer!!) I want to TiVo some of his shows on The Discovery Health also-just to see what all the excitement is about.

Are any of you into Dr. Oz?

P.S. My dad is doing GREAT-they left to return to Florida this morning. His doctor gave him a copy of his surgery report. It's unreal! The dudes at Columbia Presbyterian clearly know what they are doing.

Footnote: His daughter Daphne is an author too! She wrote a book called "The Dorm Room Diet." Whoa.

My love/hate relationship with Starbucks...

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole. - George Carlin

I love George Carlin-he's so bitter!! (Kind of like the coffee at Starbucks!) But seriously-I DO have a love/hate relationship with Starbucks. Whenever I see one I feel like I HAVE TO go in and get a $10 latte. I usually don't like it and end up tossing half of it into the nearest trash can.

Sometimes the simplest things are the best-which is why I love my skanky 7-11 coffee with just a little half and half and a Big Gulp chaser-yummy!!! (Can you say WHITE TRASH!!!?) And I never have to stand behind some poser who takes 10 minutes to order one high maintenance cup of joe!!


CHEERS!!

Nice try losers...

Here's a sick little article to brighten your day! Only in New York folks....

Corpse Wheeled to Check-Cashing Store Leads to 2 Arrests

By BRUCE LAMBERT and CHRISTINE HAUSER

Published: January 9, 2008

Even for the once-notorious Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood, it may have been a first: Two men were arrested on Tuesday after pushing a corpse, seated in an office chair, along the sidewalk to a check-cashing store to cash the dead man’s Social Security check, the police said.

When Virgilio Cintron, 66, died at his apartment at 436 West 52nd Street recently, his roommate and a friend saw an opportunity to cash his $355 check, the police said.

They did not go about it the easy way, the police said, choosing a ruse that resembled the plot of “Weekend at Bernie’s,” a film about two young men who prop up their dead employer to pretend that he is alive.

“Hell’s Kitchen has a rich history,” said Paul J. Browne, a police spokesman, “but this is one for the books.”

There was no sign of foul play in Mr. Cintron’s death, he added.

The roommate, James P. O’Hare, and his friend, David J. Dalaia, both 65 and unemployed, placed Mr. Cintron’s body in the chair and wheeled it around the corner, south along Ninth Avenue on Tuesday afternoon, the police said. The men parked the chair with the corpse in front of Pay-O-Matic at 763 Ninth Avenue, a check-cashing business that Mr. Cintron had patronized.

They went inside to present the check, but a clerk said Mr. Cintron would have to cash it himself, and asked where he was, the police said.

“He is outside,” Mr. O’Hare said, indicating the body in the chair, according to Mr. Browne.

The two men started to bring the chair inside, but it was too late.

Their sidewalk procession had already attracted the stares of passers-by who were startled by the sight of the body flopping from side to side as the two men tried to prop it up, the police said. The late Mr. Cintron was dressed in a faded black T-shirt and blue-and-white sneakers. His pants were pulled up part of the way, and his midsection was covered by a jacket, the police said. While the two men were inside the check-cashing office, a small crowd had gathered around the chair. A detective, Travis Rapp, eating a late lunch at a nearby Empanada Mama saw the crowd and notified the Midtown North station house.

Police officers and an ambulance arrived as the two men were trying to maneuver the corpse and chair into the check-cashing office.

The two men were taken into custody and questioned. The police said they were considering charging them with check-cashing fraud.

Mr. Cintron’s body was taken to a hospital morgue. The medical examiner’s office said its preliminary assessment was that he had died of natural causes within the past 24 hours.

Al Baker contributed reporting.

Scroll Down Saturday...

Continuing the new tradition of "Scroll Down Saturday"...Here is a post I did back in October about those "perfect moms" (on Valium) that we all love...

It's entitled..."A Vision in Madras"

As I was dropping Meg at school this morning I glanced over at the swing set. Standing, pushing her son on the swing was a woman who looked so serene I did a double take. She was wearing a strapless madras sun dress, her hair pulled back in a loose bun and she looked so pulled together and carefree I almost rear ended the SUV in front of me. For a moment I thought I was in Stepford. I proceeded to look around for a camera crew. Maybe this was a J.Crew catalog shoot. No go.



Then I glanced at myself in the rear view mirror. Ouch. Hair sticking out in all directions, sunglasses on despite the clouds to hide my puffy eyes. Wrinkled t-shirt and capris and my five year old Ugg slippers.

Do you ladies rise at the crack of dawn and make yourselves pretty before you take your kids to shool or the bus stop? If you do...YOU CAN'T BE MY FRIEND! :)

It's 9:56 am...time to take a shower! There's hope for me yet.

Please tell us where to go!!

Brad and I will celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary in July.

We'd like to take a five day trip in April to celebrate. We're open to anything right now. I figure my sophisticated and fun loving blog buddies might have some ideas on where we should go.

Any places you would suggest?

We travel out of Newark Airport, so it needs to be somewhere relatively easy to get to.

And the Oscar goes to...NOT ME!!!

One of the reasons I gave up acting was-I really wasn't very good at it.

Even in real life-I am a HORRIBLE actress. When I open gifts-even when I like them, I feel pressure to perform. I find it painful to watch video of myself on Christmas morning opening gifts-I look so damn fake. (Someone needs to see a shrink!)

I cannot, for the life of me, do a fake laugh. When someone at a party tells a joke that isn't all that funny, everyone else in the group chuckles, or giggles, I stand there with a stupid fake smile, nod my head and halfheartedly say-"cute!" or "funny!" It's so not convincing. When I DO laugh I have weird silent laugh. It kind of reminds me of Mutley the dog. Trust me, it's not pretty.

I wish I could see an acting coach who could teach me to laugh convincingly. My first step is to choose what kind of laugh I want. Ideally I could look good, and have a very melodic, lilting kind of laugh. Or I could go for the aggressive New York type laugh where I either push the person who made me laugh, or grab his or her arm REALLY hard. Or I could go for a sexy little Eartha Kitt purring kind of chuckle. No matter what I choose, anything is better than what I've got going now!


Once I've mastered my laugh, maybe the coach can teach me how to feign interest when some blow hard corners me at a party and insists on telling me a long winded story about his latest skiing trip, or real estate venture!

Or, I can just save the money and start drinking heavily. Maybe is I'm completely toasted, everything will seem more amusing!

The good news is-no one can accuse me of being a phony. The bad news-I'm NEVER going to be voted "Mrs. Congeniality."

Post script: Whenever I write a post like this, I realize my PMS is looming on the horizon. It's hormone induced insanity!

Real Housewives Steps it up a Notch!

For as boring as last week's episode was-this week was chock full of O.C. action!

The scene where Vicki and Jeana take Vicki's assistant to a salon for a makeover was wins Best of Show! When she got the Brazilian Wax, I was GENUINELY laughing. Hysterical! And when she cried because she was so happy, it broke my heart. It was so sweet of Vicki to do that for her and I could tell that she was someone who had never been pampered or taken care of. Funny how Vicki made her into a little clone of herself!!

As for Vicki's "small" house that she has listed with Jeana-I do not blame her one bit for getting agitated! That house looked like a dump! Jeana needs to hire someone to get Slade's sh-t out of there!!! And Frankie looks like a nice enough guy, but for a decorator, he sure is a slob!

The Botox party was tons of laughs. Seems strange to get wasted and inject your face-but it did look like fun. (Note to Tammi-don't try to B.S. us and say it was your first time trying Botox-you can't fool me!!)

The Wedding Shower for Lauri was interesting. George must be loving all the sexy lingerie she received! It seems like all her friends are waiting for the bubble to burst. There was alot of commentary on how it's all a fantasy now, but that marriage is hard work, blah, blah, blah. All true-I guess time will tell. It was sweet that Lauri asked Ashley to be her Maid of Honor. I was touched for about 10 seconds, until Ashley asked Lauri if she would get a special gift, like a car for a reward!

And then there's Quinn. Poor Quinn. Yet another ex-boyfriend shows up at her cookout, Billy isn't really working out. She seems so lonely. I hope she finds a nice guy. It's kind of sad to watch.

Next week sounds exciting. Josh is back!!! That should provide lots of drama! Don't forget to set your TiVo for Bravo, next Tuesday the 15th at 10PM and "Watch What Happens!"

Stumbled on this and thought I'd share...

Who's Your Daddy?

Is Suri Cruise L. Ron Hubbard's Daughter?

I'll admit...I have my suspicions that this rumor could be true!

Whaddya think?

Stayin' Alive! (and lookin' good while doing it!)

My Dad's surgery was a result of an aortic dissection, caused my a congenital twist in some of his arteries. His doctor suggested that my sisters and myself get echo cardiograms to see if we have the same defect. WELL ALRIGHTY THEN!!!

I'll get right on it, after I have my annual pap smear and mammogram. I'll follow that with my body checks and excisions at the dermatologist. Next up on the agenda...a colonoscopy! For my grand finale I'll get my teeth cleaned and x-rayed. When I'm done taking care of all the things I need to stay alive, I'll take my children to the pediatrician and my dogs to the vet!


But wait, I'm not finished yet. We can't just stay alive-we've got to look foxy while we're doing it. In order to stay reasonably well groomed, there are the appointments I must have and should have, including, but not limited to: hair cuts and color, spray tans, manicures, pedicures, (yeah right-I wish) bikini waxes and facials. God knows if I did all the laser treatments and chemical peels my dermo has suggested I'd be in either a medical office or beauty salon 24/7!

Since I can't do it all, I have to put my priorities in order.

Ooops! Gotta run, I have a 3:00 microdermabrasion appointment-and my facialist HATES to be kept waiting!! :)

Wonders never cease...

I received a very surprising phone call from my mother today, my father was released from the hospital! Since they live in Florida, he is recuperating at my house.

I was completely shocked-but the hospital feels it lessens the chance of infections to get patients out ASAP. (I'm sure insurance has something to do with it as well!) Anyway, we will have our hands full for the next couple of weeks. He is still sore, but he is GIDDY to be alive and home.

We are still thanking God every day. He is a very, very lucky man.

Scroll Down Sunday

Such Simple Pleasures gave me the idea of recycling posts I did way back when before anyone read my blog. I say it's like reruns for blogging.

Here's one from my first month blogging... THE DRUDGERY OF HOUSEWORK

I love staying home with my girls-but one of the toughest parts of my job is THE HOUSEWORK. I try to make it fun-and to enjoy the process. I read books on Buddhism and try to enjoy the feel of the sponge in my hand as a scrub the shower, the humming sound of the vacuum, the smell of Pledge. Unfortunately I have "Monkey Mind" and have the attention span of a squirrel. I try to motivate myself with rewards. "If I can unload the dishwasher and put away all the dishes in one session-I can call my sister." "If I can clean all the windows in the family room-I can read the newspaper."

I try to see housework as exercise. Deep knee bends when picking up toys-STRETCH to reach cobwebs-SPRINT up and down stairs tending to requests for sippy cups or popcorn while attempting to reorganize a closet or make a bed.

In order to motivate myself I try to tell myself that I really LOVE having a clean sparkling house. That I take pride in having spotless baseboards and shiny granite counter tops. Not that I am simply trying to avoid the browbeating I will receive when my husband returns from work and exclaims-"What did you do all day!!!!?"

So here I sit at my computer-surrounded by dust bunnies, Barbies and dog hair. I guess I should get to work-but first I need to check my e-mail!!!

Google Analytics

Avery Gray suggested I sign up for Google Analytics-so I did. (I'd jump off a bridge if she told me to!) Anyway, it's such a great source for information on blog, traffic, including referring sites, average time spent on site, locations of readers, all that fun stuff.

You can also find out which keyword was used to get to your blog. Here are some of the keywords that led readers to my blog.

cooked meat
pound of flesh
husband red nail polish his toenails
slaughter a chicken
caffeine and bowel movements
butt face
MILF
Quinn's weird boobs
The Lice Woman of Brooklyn

As Avery said, there are some weird people out there! I guess that includes me, because all these strange google searches led straight to Caffeine Court!

Dad Update

Thanks for all of your sweet comments. My father is doing really well. My sister and Mom are with him today-I've been busy trying to organize my family's life so I can spend the next few days at the hospital.

My sister tells me that he is in EXTREME pain (understandable after 11 hours on the table) but is making incredible progress. He's off the breathing machine and talking (he even made a couple of jokes).

The doctor who operated on him, Dr. Allan Stewart is a miracle worker (and he's pretty cute too-but maybe I'm biased because he saved my father's life).

He was part of the team that operated on Bill Clinton when he had heart surgery. The right doctors (as well as luck in my Dad's case-knock wood) can make all the difference in the world!

If you live in the Northeast and ever need a heart specialist-the ladies and gents at New York Presbyterian/Columbia are the ones to see.

P.S. I love parentheses. (I really do!)

What a day...

I didn't want to write about this because it was too stressful to put "out there." But my Dad had major heart surgery today at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in NY. He was in surgery for eleven hours! Luckily they operated today, because the doctor said he is very lucky to be alive and his aorta was not going to last more than a day or so. Maybe I'll share the gory details another time.

Anyway, say a prayer. So far so good, but the first couple of nights are critical and he isn't out of the woods yet.

Days like today are such a great example of how we sweat silly small stuff all the time, when the most important thing is the people we love. I know I'll go back to all my trivial obsessions, but for now, it's all about my Dad! (The man who introduced me to tennis and caffeine! God love him!)

No pressure!

My first post of the New Year and I'm makin' it a throwaway!

I came across and article from Entertainment Weekly listing the funniest TV lines from 2007.

If you like "The Office" or "Conan O'Brien" you're in luck because apparently they have the funniest writers in the business.

Here is a sampling-you can hit the above link for the entire list.

''Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing — Gary Coleman is going to drown.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least, it's bisexual.''
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER BEING ACCUSED OF WEARING WOMEN'S CLOTHES TO WORK, ON THE OFFICE

''Today the Olsen twins turned 21 years old, which means they're now old enough to drink. Still no word on when they'll be old enough to eat.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

''Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.''
THE PETITE-SIZE ANGELA (ANGELA KINSEY), DISCUSSING HER SHOPPING HABITS, ON THE OFFICE

''One of the most popular gifts for high school graduates this year is a gift certificate for plastic surgery. Apparently, the gift certificate is a perfect way to tell a recent graduate that you can be anything you want to be but not with that giant honker.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

Here's to another year of great comedy!