How low can you go?

It's been a busy week, and Meg has her birthday party later this afternoon, so I've decided to pull a post from my archives and give you a little re-run.

This post is from last October. I still can't even look at a Black-Eyed Susan. Too many horrible memories....

I worked the Book Fair at my daughter's school today and ran into my friend Katie-which reminded me of one of the low points in my adult life. I'll tell you about it, and then you'd better share your embarrassing stories, because as we all know, misery love company.

When We Here goes. Every year Katie and her husband Jim have a Preakness party at their house. We all wear really preppy clothes, drink Black Eyed Susans and watch the race. Well, Preakness 2006 was quite a night. There were tons of people I know at the party, some who I hadn't seen in ages. I was chatting away and it seems every time my glass got a little empty someone would fill it up for me.
Anyway, I'm sucking down the Black Eyed Susans and chatting with my friend Suzanne's husband, when I noticed he was looking at me funny. I suddenly realized I was DRUNK...REALLY DRUNK! (The following is all a hazy recollection- this is what I recall.)
I realized I needed to lie down, so I managed to get upstairs and crash in my friend's daughter's room. I woke up feeling sick when suddenly-BLEH!!! I puked all over her white metalasse comforter.
Shit!!!! I got up to go to the bathroom and felt too sick to stand-so I crawled onto Katie and Jim's bed and closed my eyes. Here we go again! It all happened so fast. BAM! I was violently ill all over Katie's bed!
The horror of the situation hits me at full force-and I pulled the comforter off her bed and attempted to find her laundry room. As I'm doing this I hear crying. My friends' kids and their babysitter have discovered my little gift on her daughter's bed.
At that point I had to get the hell out of there. I threw Katie's bedding in the bathtub, ran outside and hid behind a tree. Word got out that some lady got sick upstairs and my friends (suspecting it was me) came looking for me.
They found me behind the tree and I instructed them to get my husband-pronto. The ride home was sheer hell. I knew I had to get sick again-but Brad wouldn't pull over. When we reached my street I fell out of the car, staggered over to my bitch neighbor's yard, fell over and couldn't get up. There I was in a pink Lilly sweater, navy and pink Lilly pants with embroidered crabs all over them and Jack Rogers sandals, sprawled out on my neighbors grass. She saw the commotion and came outside. The look on her face was priceless-she was LOVING it!

Anyway, I managed to get inside, past the babysitter and kids and up to my bathroom, where I spent the remainder of the evening with my head in the toilet and sleeping on the floor.

The next day, when I finally rose from the dead my bitch neighbor who never talks to me practically ran over to me. "What happened last night?" I was too poisoned to even attempt a bullshit explanation. My reply, "I was drunk as shit-couldn't you tell?" I made her year.

I dragged my hungover butt to the computer to look up the ingredients of a Black Eyed Susan. This is what I found:

Traditional drink of the Preakness. This is how it is served at the Alibi Breakfast at Pimlico and also to the fans at the Black-Eyed Susan and Preakness Stakes. Be careful as it is deceptively strong!


  • 1 part Cointreau
  • 1 part Mount Gay rum
  • 1 part Vodka
  • Pineapple Juice
  • Orange Juice


Fill a highball glass with shaved ice, add the liquors first, then top off with equal parts of orange and pineapple juice. Stir and garnish with a lime wedge.


Anyway- I had to call my friend and apologize. She was remarkably forgiving. She too had had way too much to drink at her party. Despite my behavior the night before, I was raised to have good manners and Emily Post clearly states in her book that if your puke on someone's bed, you are socially obligated to replace the soiled linens.

I hit Pottery Barn the next day and $400 later I delivered the replacement comforters to my friends' house. Her husband answered the door and gave me a big hug. I give the guy credit. He was glad he had a wild party and that everyone had "fun".

As it turns out I wasn't the only story of the night. I was so drunk I missed it, but apparently not too far from the tree I was hiding behind a girl I know and one of her friends (of the female variety) were completely making out!!! Whoa. WILD IN SUBURBIA!

Preakness 2007 was a whole different story. I drank Diet Coke and then Brad and I left early to go to a play.

As you may or may not know-I don't party much these days. I'm usually the designated driver-this night, however, was like a flashback to a frat party circa. 1985 ONLY WILDER!

If you've read this far-I tag you!!

I've revealed one of my worst moments. Can you top me?

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "

Henry Youngman


Tickled Pink & Green said...

'Scuse me while I go change my pants. I think I may have had a little accident while laughing so hard.

Mama Zen said...

Goodness, but that sounds familiar!

Christine said...

Oh my! I was laughing out loud SO HARD that my daughter came running over and asked me to point at what was so funny. That's hysterical...leaving a gift on not one but two beds, crying kids, hiding behind a tree, suburban moms making out nearby. GREAT story and you told it sooooo well.

And I'll consider myself tagged.

Jennifer (Jen on the Edge) said...

Bid Night for my sorority will always remain in my memory. Well, actually not, as I have no memory of most of it, so you get the point.

Early in our marriage, we went to a party where there were jello shooters. For some reason, I was unaware of the alcohol in the recipe. About a dozen shooters later...

magnolia mama said...

Just found your blog and got a great laugh.

I got alcohol poisoning in college at an ATO party drinking something called "pool water". Luckily, my sorority sister's looked after me and deposited me safely in my bed. Ugh.

A Buns' life said...

Ah yes, that sounds very much like my night....luckily I didn't start getting sick until several hours after we got home. Like I said, a good reminder of why I don't really drink very much any more! :) I am hoping that I am not permanently ruined from martinis for ever though. That would make me very sad.

Deb said...

Oh, crap. If I'd known this was a meme, I never would have read this far!

OMG... I almost peed myself... totally worth another meme on my to-do list. If only suburbia was that fun all the time!!

Alexis Black said...

Too many to count, but in my adult life....my throwing up in a friend's pottery barn ice bucket, then peeing in same bucket...and then throwing up in a napkin in the dining room of a fine Montreal restaurant.....not one of my finer moments!

The wife said...

I'm laughing my a$$ of right now!!! I must admit, I like to consume an adult beverage and with certain friends, well, we tend to get a little out of control...
On one particular friend's 30th birthday we consumed WAY too many Cosmos. Being we were in the mountains in February of course it is a brilliant idea at 2am to join the Polar Bear club....

Kate said...

How about when I gave my friend a surprise 40th B Day party at my house on a very hot June night while preparing for the party I slugged down to Vodka and 7 Ups like they were just soda. Soon after we yelled Surprise I had to dash upstairs and hang over the toilet while my 3 little girls surrounded me asking "Mommy what's wrong ? My respone "Mommy has a stomach Virus. Not too long after my husband joined me in bed. Guests stayed until 2am there was a note on our table "To the Management thanks for the use of the hall "

Anonymous said...

That was the best story!

KHE said...

ouch! those horse race parties are dangerous. We have one here with mint juleps.
I've put myself to bed before serving dinner to guests on account of too much champagne.

Immoral Matriarch said...

I woke my kid I laughed out loud so hard!! Oh my goshhhhh.

I think I need to try that drink though.

Anonymous said...

LOL!!! That was funny-- sorry!
Okay, I'll make a post with my drunk "worsts". Yep, worsts, with an S.
One involves running 3 1/2 blocks in a tee shirt.

Anonymous said...

okay, it's posted.

beach mama said...

I once lost a $500 pair of glasses out my car window when I stuck my head out on the Parkway to 'get some air' and spit after Hubby had already pulled over and I puked on the side of the highway. They flew right off my face. Nice.

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