Deal Breakers aka Putting Myself out on a Limb aka Opening a HUGE Can of Worms...

A friend of mine had a little "shopping problem." (In her defense, she and her kids always look FABULOUS!)

When her husband found the bills he went BALLISTIC! "I'd rather you had an AFFAIR then spend this much money!!!" he screamed at her. (He didn't mean it, he was just really pissed.) (Or maybe he did mean it, who knows?)

His statement got to my friend big time and when she told me about it I started thinking about what type of transgressions would end my marriage. In my vows I promised to stay with Brad "for better or for worse." But let's face it, some behaviors are deal breakers.

Soooo, I thought I'd do a fun (kind of) and controversial little poll.

Rate these marital sins in the order of severity.

a. Adultery
b. Physical abuse
c. Drug/alcohol Abuse
d. Severe financial hardship (due to gambling, excessive spending)

Please bear in mind that this is pure speculation. Who knows what I would do if I were ever faced with these problems. That being said, here is my here's my list:

1. Physical abuse. I couldn't tolerate it and I would never want my children to see me put up with it. There is no negotiating this one.

2. Drug/alcohol abuse I've dealt with this first hand, (Not with my husband) and I know it's an illness, so I would try to help and hopefully rehab or AA would help.) If it lingered for too long I'd have to find a way to separate my children from it. I think it's too much for kids to deal with.

3. Adultery-So far so good on this one. (At least as far as I know!) If Brad had a one night stand I MIGHT be able to deal with it and patch things up for the sake of our children. If he had an AFFAIR-bye, bye. AND I'm getting a GREAT lawyer.

4. Severe financial hardship due to gambling or overspending. It's at the bottom of my list, but I could see it causing HUGE problems. If Brad lost his job or we had a serious illness in the family I know it would be stressful, but I would do my damnedest to get through it. It would be very difficult to tolerate it if my husband tossed our family's security to drive a flashy car or acquire material possessions that we absolutely cannot afford just to look good!

As I write this I realize how lucky I am (knock wood) my husband is such a great guy. Yes we have gone through our share of hardships in our 10 years of marriage, but we both behave ourselves and have stuck to our marriage vows. Who knows what the future will bring but I do believe that certain things are within our control (i.e. cheating and excessive shopping) I plan on keeping my end of the bargain and I hope he does the same.

As for my friend, she is now on a budget. (Just like me!) In both our cases we nipped our problems in the bud. It's amazing what a difference it has made in BOTH our marriages! Now that I know exactly what I have to spend each week it makes life so much easier (and more peaceful!) I just hope we don't fall off the shopping wagon!

So choose your poison; sex, drugs, money or fists!
I'll get back to my regular fluff real soon...I promise.


Tara R. said...

Our lists would be very similar except I would move #3 to the top... having watched how infidelity nearly destroyed my mom, I would not tolerate it even once.

blog hopping - etcetera

Ladybug's Picnic said...

I think my list is the same as yours. Except I'd probably swap #2 and #3. But, like you, I could probably deal with a 1-night stand. And DITTO on the great lawyer!

Kate said...

I'd put them in the same order. The first two - non-negotiable. The adultery - same. A one time slip, I would probably try to workout. A relationship - Buh-Bye. And the losing all the $$, it would suck, but if he wanted to change...we'd work it out.

Sadly, I knew a woman whose manic depression (unmedicated) led to the last 2 - over and over again. Her husband stuck it out for many years, until he finally realized how badly it was hurting the kids too.

Somewhere Between Pinot and Pacifiers said...

I would say b,a,c,d although I HOPE I never have to deal with any of them!

clemsongirlandthecoach said...

Can I add some more?

e. baldness
f. fatness
g. excessive not picking up your shit-ness
h. refusing to listen to me babble...

hee hee

Amy said...

My list would be the same as yours. Although my first marriage was a,b, and c all rolled into one! No wonder it didn't work!

suburban prep said...

My list would be just as you have yours ordered.

LunaNik said...

I would put mine in the same order as you did. I wouldn't deal with physical abuse PERIOD. I have already dealt with alcohol/drug abuse in a previous relationship so I know what hell that is. BUT...I wouldn't tolerate adultery either. I don't think a relationship ever completely recovers from adultery and will end eventually. As for severe financial hardship...we're in that now...difficult and problem causing, YES...reason to split, NO!!

Real World Mom said...

Great post, Jill! I'm sneaking in on this one, even though I'm married "in name only" right now, but I'm also in a relationship--and living--with my 'significant other.'

I'd choose the same order of severity as you did. I have dealt with some of these issues in the past. It's difficult to say when/if and under what circumstances any one thing would send me packing. Some things you just don't know until you're there, know what I mean?

the mother of this lot said...

I agree with 'real world mom'. It's easy to say what you wouldn't put up with if you haven't experienced any of it!

jerseygirl89 said...

Except for physical abuse, it's a tough call for me. At 20 I would have said that all of those were immediate marriage enders, but now that I'm older I know that there are too many gray areas in life to say anything with absolute certainty.

Johnina said...

First of all I wouldn't let the hubs read your post, he might then one day think he can cash in on that one night stand and it be okay.
Second. A&B are on the top of my list .
A- certainly a deal breaker. Your a better woman than I cause in one night I can have him packed (Stuff thrown outside) & get a lawyer.
B- Would never happen I'd kill him if he ever layed a hand on me!
C- I could give him a week to nip in the bud or else, I'd beat him with his bottle and leave.
D- Does a year of hardship (due to his business going under) count, because I'm going through it. So far I haven't killed him and we're still together. Broke but okay.

Fingers crossed none of these will effect our marriages.

Maria said...

A, B, C, D.

I could not tolerate an affair.

Caffeine Court said...

Hey Johnina-

My hubby knows my adultery policy. I MIGHT be able to overlook a one night stand. Then again, I MIGHT NOT, in which case he might end up having a very bad accident.

It's a chance he'll have to take.

(He's packing for a business trip right now, so I need to put that threat out there!) ;)

Mommy Bits said...

Wow. I don't think I could rate them. I think they all suck, lol. You are right though, looking over the list def. makes me realize how very lucky I am in my marriage.

Here'd to hoping non of us ever have to deal with sins in our marriage!

sam said...

that's is big hit show... i usually watch and played its game on my pc... it also feel me real..


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