Green Acres AKA My Dirty Little Secret...

You may or may not have noticed my absence on Twitter and on your blogs. If you have, I apologize for being so anti-cyber social.

Let's just say, I've been a little busy. The time I used to spend writing funny little comments and reading other people's stories is now spent harvesting crops, collecting eggs and collecting tractors.

I have a "little problem."

You do have to admit, I have a mighty fine looking farm.

I've missed you all so much, and I'll be back. Just as soon as I reach Level 70.

Now watch the video. It really captures the essence of the Farmville craze.


To Hell With Caffeine! Pass the Nutella!!

My little sister traveled to Italy recently and she told me that the Italians eat Nutella on EVERYTHING. I figure the Italians know their food, so today, I purchased my first jar of Nutella.


Gusti cosi buona!!

Coincidentally, February 5th is World Nutella Day.

In honor of this exciting celebration of this chocolaty, hazelnutty, delicious treat, I'm "SPREADING" the word that this stuff rocks!!

So take it from me, go get yourself some NUTELLA, spread it on a warm croissant, dip a strawberry in it, or do like I do and take a big old spoonful. Who cares if you have rotted teeth and a butt the size of Texas? It's totally worth it.

As usual, this is not a paid endorsement. I never make any money off this damn blog.


I have to admit...

I'm not feeling witty. I'm not feeling interesting. I've got nothing to talk about.

But that's never stopped me from writing a blog post before, so here goes!!!

Today is my "cleaning day" which means I'll talk on the phone alot, because the only way I can pass the time happily is to gossip while I scrub. If you have my phone number and want to chat, I'll be home all day.

Yesterday I had one and a half root canals and wrote a check to my dentist for $1,400. I'm a tooth grinder. My dentist told me that cracked teeth and stress fractures are an epidemic these days, which I guess means the lousy economy is working out pretty well for the dentists of America.

Next Friday we head to Orlando for five days to stay with my parents. We still haven't decided which Disney venue to hit. I'm thinking we might head to one of the theme parks on Superbowl Sunday. What do you think? We could care less about the Superbowl this year. None of my favorite teams made it to the big day, so maybe we can avoid some lines.

Now for some tennis...how about that Australian Open? LOVE IT!!! The only drawback? Sooo distracting for me!!! The highlight for me is the return of Justine Henin. I love short little players. They give me hope.

That's what's going on here in Jersey.

Pray something interesting happens to me today.

My blogging well is running dry.


Exhaustion Equation

4 overnight guests for 3 nights plus 2 hours of intense singles equals one very tired blogger.

I'll be back as soon as I get my life back together.

Miss you!


Just in case you missed it...

Sometimes politics can be really fun. Here's a great example.

Have you seen the photos of Massachusetts Senator-Elect Scott Brown? Here they are from Cosmopolitan Magazine in1982 was he was a 22-year-old law student. Even then, he described himself as "a bit of a patriot".

I'm going to leave the commentary to you.


Mystery Commenter

Yesterday I got a new commenter. His name is Dave. I have no idea who he is...but I like what he said:

"Trust yourself. You have put yourself right where you belong. Then cleaning and organizing is more enjoyable because it applies to building the world that you want to live in. Smiles :)"

Thanks Dave. I'm going to remember that as I go through my day.

I love my blog friends.


Self Motivated

I had high hopes for today. Today was going to be a day to get out and get things done.

When I woke up this morning and went into my 6 year old daughter's room, I realized that I was going to need to change my plans.

She was BURNING up.

Time to shift gears, and quickly.

I tucked the little one back into bed and I called my neighbor to drive my 10 year old to school.

And now, here I sit. Waiting patiently for my pediatricians office to open.

There goes my glamorous day. A day I was going to spend tooling around in the minivan, going to recycling, grocery shopping and registering my daughters for spring lacrosse.

Instead I get to stay home and care for my sick daughter. (That's the good part, I get to spend time with her.)

While she rests, I have to do the mature thing, and clean this damn house from top to bottom.

I'm so thankful we have a nice big house. Not so thankful for all the work it takes to keep it clean.

Quite frankly, I'm having a mid-life crisis.

I'm a cliche. A bored housewife.


If any of you have suggestions on how I can make cleaning and organizing more enjoyable, I am open to any and all suggestions.


In the meantime, you know where you can find me...here, in suburban Jersey, with a mop in my hand and a SMILE on my face!!


And now...the stunning conclusion to my exciting story...

We now return to the worst date ever. A couple of posts back I left you at an Italian restaurant in NY's Little Italy. There I sat surrounded by some of the most immature 28 year olds on the face of the earth.

Dinner was paid for (partially by me!) my date had blown the chocolate cake out of his nose, and it looked like our date is coming to a close...or was it?

I figured it was my turn to contribute to the evening, so I began dashing up and down 9th Avenue in a desperate attempt to flag a cab.

"What are you doing?!" my date inquired. "Wind sprints!" I replied, "I want to burn off my Chicken Marsala." He seemed to accept this explanation.

I felt like the Birdman of Alcatraz. I had to escape this hell, at any cost, and I was willing to do anything to anything to make it happen.

Finally, I managed to snag us a cab. It was a beautiful thing. I really enjoyed the trip home. It was a ton of fun to watch Greg hit Brian on the back of the head for 20 minutes. As we entered the city limits, my date ordered the cab to halt outside the biggest, loudest meat market in town. I was so spent from my wind sprints, I didn't have the energy to protest.

"Best friend's girlfriend" and I both needed to powder our noses, so we waded through the beer and vomit and managed to make it to the ladies room.

As we primped our hair in the mirror she remarked to me..."Aren't Brian and Greg hilarious!! They can amuse each other for ever! What do you want? They're guys!! Oooh, Modern English...I LOVE this song. Let's go!"

She grabbed me by the hand, and pulled me through the crowd.

That's when it hit me.

"This girl is deep" I thought. "She has the secret. THEY'RE GUYS!"

What did I expect? Someone to talk to me for any other reason than to ask what kind of underwear I had on or whether of not I like to give back rubs? I don't know what I was thinking.

*It was at that moment I realized that I needed a serious attitude adjustment. Sooo, I did what any respectable girl would do, I went up front while the guys talked, and I danced in place with "best friend's girlfriend." We talked about each other's new clothes and used each other's lipstick. Occasionally the boys would do something silly and we would giggle with appreciation.

At the end of the night I went home with my new boyfriend. I gave him a back rub and listened to him talk about how much money he made the previous year. I even made him a sandwich.

It was a pivotal moment in my life, because I had finally figured out how to make a relationship work.

Life is really only as complicated as you make it.

*Fake ending

Okay, the real ending is, after I used the facilities, I politely excused myself, and caught a cab home. ALONE.

When Prince Charming called the next day to ask me out on yet another date, he was shocked when I refused. He thought we had a GREAT time.

You know what they say, "You have to kiss alot of frogs, before you find your prince."

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to give my husband a big hug, and thank my lucky stars that I found him.


We Interupt This Exciting Story For A Massive, Life Altering Headache

Judging by the overwhelming response to my last two posts, I can tell you are all sitting on the edge of your seats waiting to hear the end of my bad date story.

I will finish it in my next post. (Whether you want to hear it or not.)

Unfortunately my life is off track because yesterday, I experienced my first ever migraine.

And boy was it a doozy.

I'm not sure what triggered it. Perhaps it was reliving one of my worst ever dates, perhaps it was all the news I'm hearing recently of people I know losing jobs, maybe it's hormonal. My friend Sandy says migraines indicate that you have deep, unresolved issues...(what else is new?)

Whatever the cause, I'm telling you, Mister Man, it HURT.

So...today I will attempt to get this house back in order. (I've been working non-stop for over 6 hours.) I will then make myself pretty and go out on a date with my best guy. (In case you don't know who I'm referring to, that would be MY HUSBAND, a guy who knows how to treat a lady when he takes her out.)

Tonight, when I lay my head on the pillow, I will pray I never, EVER, experience the pain I felt all day yesterday.

Anyone out there a member of the "Migraine Club?"

If so, let's swap war stories.

Footnote: I've been running over the possible causes for my migraine again, and I came up with one more possibility...caffeine and sugar withdrawal. I've been trying to eat healthier (steel cut oatmeal, salads, less candy) and only have one Diet Coke a day for the past week. Is it possible that my body went into shock?? Time for some Google research.


The Trials and Tribulations of a Single Gal in the City...(continued)

Time to continue my story..

Okay, so here I am, surrounded by a group of people who have decided that the college frat party should continue well into their late twenties...

I am desperately trying to have a good time...but things keep going down hill.

Isn't it ironic that one of my worst dates ever occurred in New York's Hell's Kitchen?

Flashback to 1993...

As if my date wasn't already exciting enough, Greg and Brian, or as they so affectionately called each other "Jim" and "Bob" decided to have a contest to see who could shove more cake in his mouth. It was a real high point in the evening. "Best Friends Girlfriend" was the judge. She squealed with delight as the frosting bulged out of Brian's nose. They told me they usually compete with Hostess Snowballs, but this particular restaurant did not have these pink coconut covered mounds on their dessert cart. I must admit, Prince Charming did mind his manners most of the time. He always apologized after burping and seemed genuinely embarrassed when his friend asked me if I was a Jew.

Finally, the waiter arrived with the bill, just as the evening was getting really interesting!!! "Forty dollars a person!!" the table accountant screamed. I then turned and noticed my date looking at me with an expectant look on his face. It suddenly dawned on me how rude I was being! I actually expected the man who asked me on a date to celebrate his friends birthday to pay for my dinner!! I honestly don't know how my parents could have raised me with such an appalling lack of social skills. I forked over the forty bucks.

"Where do you want to go next?", my date graciously asked. Lucky for me, his buddy was kind enough to answer for me. "Back home,"he replied. FINALLY, we agree on something.

I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. My date from hell is finally drawing to a close...


Stay tuned for the stunning conclusion of "The Trials and Tribulations of a Single Gal in The City"...


Cleaning out the files...

As I cleaned out my filing cabinets this morning, I happened upon a little file of essays I wrote in my twenties. Most of them are kind of long, so I'll do them in installments.

The first one is all about the joys of dating. I'll take you back...the year, 1993. I was a 28 year old single gal...dating in the New York City. Here we go...

Last Saturday night I had my third date with Greg...and his best friend Brian. On the first two dates we doubled with Brian and his girlfriend, tonight we were joined by 20 of their loudest and most obnoxious friends, crammed into a small table in an Italian Restaurant in Hell's Kitchen.

As I sat surrounded by the sound of tambourines crashing in my ears, glasses breaking at my feet and water spilling in my lap, I envisioned a better case scenario. I conjured up an image of Greg and I sitting, just the two of us, in a quiet little place, enjoying a meal and talking.

What was I? Delusional? Who the heck did I think I was? The Queen of England? Such lofty ideals!! I silently sat, guzzling Chianti in an attempt to lighten up, while my escort and his buddy leaned over me telling jokes about the "hard on jocks" they hated in high school and passing each other silly notes with funny nicknames about their slacker roommate. Oh what fun they had!!

I wanted to have fun too, so I attempted to chat with my date, I even tried bringing up his favorite subject...HIM. He was too busy drawing pictures of penises with bullets exploding out of the tip on the butcher paper covering the table.

I was proud to know that I was lucky enough to be associated with the guys who drew phallii on car windshields all over town right after every fresh snowfall. How creative!!! Oh and how they laughed and slapped their knees each time they did it. Such funny guys!

Greg was clever enough to draw for me his rendition of a woman on her back with her legs spread. What a multi talented guy. Unlike me..."best friends girlfriend" was having a wonderful time. She was very impressed with Greg's artwork and complimented him on his ability to draw such a life like and detailed penis.

To be continued...

Oh and just so you don't think I'm totally nuts for going out with this dude, he looked fine on first inspection...good looking, great job, kind of funny, so I gave him a chance...three dates...after all, who am I to judge anyone too harshly? ;)


Is there anybody out there!!!

Wow. Only one brave commenter on the Teletubbies video.

Did anyone watch it?

You should...it's funny. Really. In a sick sort of way.

Don't you wish you were me?

My day today..

Go to the Jersey DMV to renew my driver's license which expired in OCTOBER!! I just realized this over the weekend. DUH!

Take all our newspapers, cardboard, bottles, cans and plastic to recycling

Clean the cat's litter box thoroughly

Clean our fish tank which STINKS!

Pay some bills

Drag the Christmas tree which is now a complete fire hazard out to the curb

(Along with the usual laundry, homework assistance, dog waste maintenance in the backyard...yes, I live a very glamorous life...)

Are you bored yet? I know I am!


A a very strange trip down Memory Lane..

Do you remember the whole Teletubbies, "Tinky Winky is gay" controversy?

Well, here's a little clip that I remember from my daughter's Teletubbies days. If he's not gay, he certainly is kinky!!

Oh, and by the way, this clip is real, actual footage from a show I saw years ago. Those Brits certainly like to inject their off color humor into everything!!


Meryl's Choice...

My husband and I managed to snag a babysitter for this Saturday night, and if I have my way, we will go to see a movie.

The question is...WHICH movie? Brad wants to see Avatar, which is not my kind of flick, at all.

I am leaning towards, "It's Complicated." The reviews for this film,are okay but I love the cast. Meryl Streep is the best , Alec Baldwin cracks me up, and I am a huge Steve Martin fan.

I have to admit, that the thing that most intrigues me is the buzz over Meryl Streep's face. Critics have been applauding her decision to forgo Botox or face lifts and to celebrate her lines and sagging. Meryl Streep has made the brave decision to "age gracefully."

What a daring woman!

Granted, she is an incredibly talented actress with great bone structure and flawless skin, which might make her decision a bit easier, but she does have a point. The camera shows everything, especially on the big screen, as an actor you need to move your face to show expression, when you tweak things too much, you don't look younger, you just look old and weird.

The girl has a point: Exhibit A: Priscilla Presley

Exhibit B: Jessica Lange

and the freakiest example of all...Exhibit C:

Mickey Rourke

Ouch, and just think, these people went through painful surgery and paid big bucks to look like this.

If given the choice, I would choose saggy and wrinkly, over freaky any day of the week.

How about you?


Peace, Love and the G.O.P

NOT funny...not NICE!!!

Since we're one week into the new year I thought it was time for me to get a little political. You may or may not agree with me, but I think many people are a little disillusioned with our current President's first year in office. He has focused so intently on his health care agenda that he has let so many other things, including the economy and national security fall by the wayside. Yeah, yeah, I know, "he inherited a big mess." Yes, he did, but it's his job to try to fix it. You can't play the blame game forever.

It seems like the political tide is shifting slowly but surely, and many people are rethinking their political views. I am a perfect example. For the past couple of years I have been leaning very strongly towards a Libertarian political philosophy. I believed in as little national government intervention in our lives as possible, with the exception of defense.

Because of all the uproar during the last election, as well as a result of the banking crisis and incidents with terrorist attacks on American lives, I no longer have such an extreme belief that the government should play a hands off role in our lives. I think my previous philosophy was a bit naive.

A fellow blogger drew my attention to this article from The Wall Street Journal....it describes the "Republican stereotype" which labels members of the Republican party as people who "use homophobic language, express thinly disguised contempt toward immigrants, or ridicule heartfelt concerns for the environment, they affront the values of the educated class."

The article goes on to describe a group of voter's that he calls "Whole Foods Republicans." This article resonated with me, because in so many ways it describes me, my husband and many of my friends. (Although I have to admit, my husband does NOT ride his bike to his job, 40 miles away...even though I think he's like to!)

"—independent-minded voters who embrace a progressive lifestyle but not progressive politics. These highly-educated individuals appreciate diversity and would never tell racist or homophobic jokes; they like living in walkable urban environments; they believe in environmental stewardship, community service and a spirit of inclusion. And yes, many shop at Whole Foods, which has become a symbol of progressive affluence but is also a good example of the free enterprise system at work. (Not to mention that its founder is a well-known libertarian who took to these pages to excoriate ObamaCare as inimical to market principles.) What makes these voters potential Republicans is that, lifestyle choices aside, they view big government with great suspicion. There's no law that someone who enjoys organic food, rides his bike to work, or wants a diverse school for his kids must also believe that the federal government should take over the health-care system or waste money on thousands of social programs with no evidence of effectiveness. Nor do highly educated people have to agree that a strong national defense is harmful to the cause of peace and international cooperation.

Bottom line is, yes, we are Republicans, but just because we don't want the government to have it's hand in every aspect of our lives, does NOT mean we are homophobic, racist, or heartless.

If you want an interesting read, head on over and read the article in it's entirety, and tell me what you think...


You know what I love?

I love the LOL and ; ) option when communicating via computer or while texting.

You can say just about anything..but if you add an LOL or a ; ) it's okay.

Here are some examples:

You are such an idiot. ; )

What a completely asinine and inane post!! LOL :- 0

I can't stand being around you. You are so annoying! ROFLOL :-)

If someone calls you on your hostile statement you tell them... "I was just KIDDING!! Didn't you see the little semicolon and parenthesis at the end of the sentence!!! Wow...looks like SOMEONE is a little sensitive."

So. Much. Fun.


Is this for real?

My daughter is in first grade. She asked to play with a friend from her class this morning, so I called the girls mom to get them together.

Wow. Boy did I get an earful. About normal first grade social stuff. (Who plays with who at recess, who sits with who at lunch...) The kind of stuff that I leave to my kids. (Unless there's some major bullying involved...)

She knew way too much about very specific first grade conversations.

Apparently my daughter sat with one of her daughter's friends at lunch and excluded her daughter. Now she's "not sure" if her daughter wants to be with my child.

Aren't there two sides to every story?

Shouldn't we let the kids work out their petty seating arrangements in the lunch room?

I was shocked.

My kids get dissed at school sometimes, (at least in their own minds) I don't crucify the other kids, I teach them to work it out amongst themselves. Shit happens...move on!!!

If I start adding this kind of minutia to my list of worries, I'd go nuts!! Unless my child is terrorizing someone else or being terrorized, I'm letting it go.

Any thoughts?


I knew it would happen eventually....

You all know about my love of all things caffeinated, and I've often wondered what it would be like to overdose on the stuff.

Well...now I know.

On Sunday I took a little road trip to Pennsylvania to get together with a bunch of old high school friends. I wanted to stay alert for the trip, so I consumed Diet Coke and coffee for about 14 straight hours.

As I attempted to fall asleep, it hit me...CAFFEINE OVERDOSE. (AKA "Caffeinism")

Here are some of the symptoms.

1. Severe stomach pain (kind of)
2. Agitation (TOTALLY!)
3. Confusion (A little, but that's normal)
4. Dehydration (Yup)
5. Heavy breathing (Hell yeah...)
6. Twitching or trembling of muscles (I hate to admit it, but yes, I was twitching...)
7. Vomiting, at times even blood (Thankfully no, although that would have been a real wake up call)
8. Fever (Burning up...)
9. Ringing sound in the ears (Freakishly...yes)
10. Irritability (Especially Monday morning when I had to get out of bed...)
11. Increases heart rate (Pounding like a drum...)
12. Frequent urination (Pass the Depends)
13. Seizures (By the grace of God, no)
14. Insomnia (Wide eyed at 4 am)
15. Fibrocystic breast disease (They're pretty sore...TMI?)
16. Restlessness (Can you say PACING the floor?)

It was so bad, that after almost 3 weeks of no tennis, I had to get a sub. (In case you don't know me that well, I usually make it to tennis even if I have Swine Flu...I hate to miss, HATE it...) Yesterday, after my caffeine overdose, I simply could not do it.

AND for the past two days, I can't even look at a cup of coffee. My stomach contracts whenever I glance over at the Keurig.

A true caffeine hangover.

So there you have it. Caffeine overdose can happen. It happened to me. I survived.

Maybe they can do a public service announcement, and I can star in it...and tell my story, as a warning to all.

I know drinking coffee looks glamorous, but let me tell you...it's not worth it.

Put the cup down. NOW.

Better late than never...

In case you didn't stay up until midnight on New Year's Eve, I thought I'd give you a peek at one of the evening's highlights on Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve...

J. Lo's unitard.

It's quite the topic of conversation.

Let's debate Jennifer's fashion choice:

Probably kept her warm on a freezing cold night.

Gave her the ability to straddle back up dancers without any hindrance.

Got all the guys turned on.

Cons: It pissed my mother off.

I think it looked kind of stupid.

Crotch wedgie. It must have hurt.

Any thoughts?


First Shopping Tip of The Year!!!

Since last fall, I have been very actively shopping for a pair of rain boots. I have tried sooo, many pairs...Lands End, Banana Republic, Hunter Wellies, Kamiks...the list goes on and on. It seems every pair I tried on had something wrong with them, some smelled too much like plastic, some were too tight in the calves, some looked cheap...and then, finally, I found these:

The Le Chameau Iris Wellie in Espresso, from Eddie Bauer.


They don't smell bad, they are a great color, they don't have a HUGE logo and they are warm!! Yay.

The Le Chameau boots come in a huge range of price points and colors, so check out their website.

Love, love, LOVE them!

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