Orange You Glad You Read Caffeine Court???

The thermometer topped off at 85 degrees today in Coastal New Jersey, which meant unless I wanted to die of heat exhaustion, I had to show a little skin.

My Irish German skin hasn't seen sunlight since October, so needless to say, I'm pretty pasty.

Thank goodness for self-tanning technology. I consider myself a pioneer in sunless tanning. When I was 7 I used to dip into my mom's QT tanner in an attempt to achieve the California bronze look promised in the ads.

Since then I've tried it all, self-tanners, spray tan booths and air brush tans. I've sported the Oompa Loompa look, the streaky blotchy ankles and the spray tan stained white t-shirts. I've made alot of mistakes, but after a great deal of trial and error, I have ALMOST perfected the art of a natural looking fake tan.

What you need to look natural: #1 Exfoliate the crap out of your skin. Which basically entails taking a loofah and a body scrub and removing the top layer of your skin.

#2 Find a good spray tanning salon and go with the LIGHTEST possible formula. Unless you are naturally very dark, this looks the best.

#3 Moisture like crazy all week. Eventually your bod starts will start to look like Michael Jackson's Vitiligo, at which time you repeat step #1.

Got it???

I know what you're going to say next, "Let's see pictures!!!" It ain't gonna happen people. I'm still working on the ass shoot. If that's successful, maybe I'll branch out to a before and after spray tan shoot, complete with shots of me in my black bra and underwear "assuming the position" at my local spray tanning salon.

I'll do anything for a good blog post.



Mrs. K said...

I found the perfect self tanner...believe it or not- avenno. The one that comes in a half/half bottle witha pump and you set your setting from 1 to 5. Never streaks, doesn't really smell bad and moisturizes like crazy

Mrs. D said...

I am waaaayyy too lazy to use self tanner. I figure, if I can't get a real tan (which I don't try to anymore since I am acquiring massiv wrinkles on the verge of 30), then I will just be blindingly white. It's not that attractive, but so much easier. ;-) Whatever you use looks great!

Tara R. said...

I'm waaaaay too much of a coward to use self-tanner for all those glorious reasons. I am resigned to the fact that I'm not just painfully white, I'm darn near transparent. Looks great with all that white hair that's showing up.

Momo Fali said...

It's pretty sad that the turkey has a better tan (and body) than I do.

Anonymous said...

I'd try it if it would just kinda fade away..or last long enough to get covered by a little 'real' tan...I'd probably go ballistic over the jigundo age spots...
Personally, I've just resigned myself to the old farmer tan. :-) I'm getting too old and too fat to weed/plant/mow in a bikini. Or even short-shorts.


A Buns Life said...

Oh yes....I remember being orange once or twice before I committed to being leather in High School! Now, I am too lazy for either....I've come to terms with my pasty white skin.

Jaina said...

Lol. I've finally resigned myself to the fact that I am just naturally white.

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