Wait 'til next week!!!

Here's a little more for you...

I need your guidance...

Mother's Day (May 10th) always coincides with my birthday (May 12th.) This year I've decided I'd like to get a really nice good quality everyday summer bag.

The question is...which one to get??

Here's a chance for you to shop without spending a dime.

Here are some that I like.

Hobo International Multi Braid Strap Shopper in Saffon

In Ivory?

or perhaps, in Mocha...


How 'bout this sweet little Michael Kors Astor Large Slouch Bag? This one comes in ivory too.



Let's start with these. I'm kind of digging the Michael Kors in the camel color.

How about you? Your opinion is important...

Critical Mass

My skin has reached the Michael Jackson Vitiligo stage, my hair is a stringy mess of layers and my house looks like an episode of Oprah where she humiliates people who's lives have gotten out of control.

Today is the day to change all that. I have a hair appointment at 10, my cleaning lady arrives at noon, and a spray tan at 2.

After I put a band aid on this mess, I will proceed to get to the nitty gritty of purging old winter clothes, paying bills and filing all the important documents lying in piles around the kitchen.

It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it.

I seriously think I have to let myself go. Keeping up the hair, working out, all that shit. Too time consuming. Waste of time. If I could just let go of the VANITY!!!

Gotta go. Time to clean up the mess that is currently my life.

Orange You Glad You Read Caffeine Court???

The thermometer topped off at 85 degrees today in Coastal New Jersey, which meant unless I wanted to die of heat exhaustion, I had to show a little skin.

My Irish German skin hasn't seen sunlight since October, so needless to say, I'm pretty pasty.

Thank goodness for self-tanning technology. I consider myself a pioneer in sunless tanning. When I was 7 I used to dip into my mom's QT tanner in an attempt to achieve the California bronze look promised in the ads.

Since then I've tried it all, self-tanners, spray tan booths and air brush tans. I've sported the Oompa Loompa look, the streaky blotchy ankles and the spray tan stained white t-shirts. I've made alot of mistakes, but after a great deal of trial and error, I have ALMOST perfected the art of a natural looking fake tan.

What you need to look natural: #1 Exfoliate the crap out of your skin. Which basically entails taking a loofah and a body scrub and removing the top layer of your skin.

#2 Find a good spray tanning salon and go with the LIGHTEST possible formula. Unless you are naturally very dark, this looks the best.

#3 Moisture like crazy all week. Eventually your bod starts will start to look like Michael Jackson's Vitiligo, at which time you repeat step #1.

Got it???

I know what you're going to say next, "Let's see pictures!!!" It ain't gonna happen people. I'm still working on the ass shoot. If that's successful, maybe I'll branch out to a before and after spray tan shoot, complete with shots of me in my black bra and underwear "assuming the position" at my local spray tanning salon.

I'll do anything for a good blog post.

Almost.

Hey there strangers!!

I wanted to pop in to say hi, but I can only visit with you for a second.

I wrote all about how I loved the idea of not over scheduling my children, when the reality is that this week is crazy busy. Lacrosse games, sleepover parties, tennis, t-ball, the school talent show...along with the regular school days. Crazy I tell you.

Next week will be better.

On a happy note, my daughter Meg sang a solo in her school talent show last night and it was beautiful. She's shy by nature, but boy does she love to step into the spotlight. I'm really proud of her.

The bad part is that the audience at the show was so RUDE!! Kids were trying to perform and everyone was talking really loud. Finally one of my friends stood up and FLIPPED out on all the obnoxious kids in the bleachers. It was classic. She scared the crap out of everyone for about 10 minutes, and then they started back up. I give her credit. Too bad the other parents and the teachers let their kids run wild.

The show runs for 3 hours, so tonight will be another long night of sitting in the audience with a bored 5 year old, surrounded by parents with grins glued on their exhausted faces.

It's all worth it to see the proud look on my daughter's face when she steps onto the stage.

On with the show!!!!.

Funky Jill aka Spoiled Middle Class Biotch Whines About How She Has Too Much To Do And Can't Play Enough Tennis

I've been in a bit of a "funk" the past couple of days.

Like most of us, I do alot. I'm in charge of the silent auction for a big fundraiser on May 20th, I'm class mom. I'm on the Art Show Committee, my next door neighbor has ALS, so I try to help their family when their burden is too great. I have a house to run. I have 1 husband, 2 children, 3 dogs, PLUS I have tennis!! Which I've cut down on quite a bit in the past 6 months.

Some people are superstars. They do way more than me and do it all to perfection. I, on the other hand, try my best to do as much as I can, but inevitably something's gotta give.

In my case, that's usually, the laundry, my children's bedtimes or serving a well balanced dinner to the family. I could give up getting 7.5 hours of sleep per night, to get more done, which would cause me to be a cranky biotch. In case you don't know what a biotch is...here's the Urban Dictionary definition.

.
	1. Biotch: (noun) a woman of unsavory character traits pertaining to negative or even belligerent attitude (ie. a pain in the ass or a moody bitch) I guess I could give up, tennis, or blogging, or being class mom. I could stick to cleaning the house and making healthy meals. There are worse things then that. I can't think of any right now, but I KNOW that there are. Or, I could get a job from 9-2 while the girls are at school. What kind of job? Who knows. I worked in the entertainment industry, in NYC before I had kids. NOT a 9-2 profession. Damn. Why didn't I get a nursing degree??? (Other than the fact that I'm squeamish and HATE needles and blood.) But seriously. I AM in a funk. I'm a little scared about the economy. I see so many families under so much stress. It's really freaking me out. How about you? Are you feeling the funk? One more thing...when I say I was in the "entertainment" industry. I do not mean prostitution or stripping. (Although if I had bigger boobs I'd consider it at this point. As long as I can drop my kids at school at 8:40 and pick them up at 3:05, I'm cool.) As I said before, these are tough times. We pampered housewives have to do our part to help our families survive. Now that I've said my part...I'm going to enable comment moderation. You people scare me!! :)

Heartbreaking...

I'm sure by now you've heard the horrible story of the Maryland family of 5 who perished in a murder-suicide last week. Francis Billotti Wood, the childrens' mother was a fellow blogger.

I read her blog, and she was an wonderful person. I was so inspired by her positive outlook. She was an amazing mother and a thoughtful, intelligent woman. What a terrible loss.

The name of her blog is What Am I Supposed To Do Now? She had a charity that she supported on the page...

The BIG Sweep, a program of Volunteer Frederick, turns trash into cash for area nonprofits. Structured like a walk-a-thon, participants collect sponsorships on behalf of their organization, but instead of walking, they pick up trash from Frederick County roads, streams, and parks. Over the past seven years, BIG Sweep volunteers have cleaned up 115 tons of trash and recyclables, almost 3400 tires and many truckloads of bulk items while raising more than $270,000 for their organizations. Thank you for helping to make this year’s BIG Sweep the best yet!

If you have it in your heart, please donate to this worthy cause in memory of a fellow blogger.

Faster Isn't Always Better

Have you heard about the "Slow Family Living Movement?" I think it's brilliant.

Check out their website.

This is their manifesto:

The Slow Family Movement is a revolution in the way we think about, embrace and implement family living.

It was born out of our belief that family life is being hijacked by society’s messages that more is better, faster is greater and that you and your children are at risk of being left behind, unless you buy in NOW.

It is about allowing family life to unfold in a way that is joyfully and consciously connected. This means slowing it down, finding comfort in the home, and creating the space to see and honor the family as an entity, while simultaneously keeping sight of each member as a unique and valuable individual.

We believe that family life can serve as the incubator for deeper compassion, creativity, love, harmony, humor, appreciation, respect, fun, ingenuity, conflict resolution, peace, friendship, growth, communication and, perhaps above all else, true, unending and powerful joy.

As we intentionally give value and space to family life, we are thereby creating a force — with a sum greater than its parts — that can then flow out into the local and the global communities.

We hold this as truth, that the peace and the harmony we want to exist within the world, can be created within the family first, by bringing it home and lovingly, consciously and intentionally slowing life down.

Granted, it's tempting to get sucked into over scheduling our children and feeling that we need to keep up with the Joneses. But if it's tearing our families apart psychologically and financially, it's worth considering.

What do you think??

Live and Learn

I learned a very valuable lesson this week. If you brag about how smokin' your butt looks, you'd better have some visuals to support it!

I will be coordinating at photo shoot (at my convenience) to show you my heinie in my new Lucky Brand Jeans. I might even go so far as to show you some of my ill fitting jeans to illustrate the difference these new garments have made in my life.

Don't get too excited yet. There's a great deal of planning that goes into a photo shoot. I need to get a photographer, a stylist, find someone to do my hair and makeup and rent some studio space. After the shoot, I'll need to crop and retouch the photos. THEN and only then, they will be ready to publish. I don't take this assignment lightly people. I'm a perfectionist, damn it.

Stay tuned.

It's all in the jeans...

I've always heard that Lucky Brand Jeans are awesome. But I hated the idea of paying $100 for a pair of jeans. ( I know that's pretty much the standard price, but I'm cheap that way.)


Anyway, Jill at Jillian Inc. was kind enough to post an awesome coupon code for 40% off all Lucky Brand items. I took that little code over to my local Lucky Brand Store and snagged myself a couple of adorable pairs of jeans.


The salesgirl was so great. First of all, she commanded me to remove the ill fitting pair of Ann Taylor Loft wide legged jeans I was sporting. I obeyed. I then proceeded to try on piles of styles in various cuts and sizes. After much deliberation, this is what I ended up with...

Zoe Bootleg

Maryland Classic Rider


No these are not pictures of my ass, although I have to say, my almost 44 year old butt looks pretty good in my new Lucky Jeans!!!







I love them! They are so flattering and the denim is soft. I might never buy cheap jeans again!

I'm So Proud of Me!!!

What have I done today??? A better question would be what HAVEN'T I done today!

I think all my green juice and Mona Vie consumption is paying off. I cleaned my house from top to bottom, did multiple loads of laundry. I called the police about a suspicious white van on my street. (Details to follow)...I paid bills, brought clothes to Goodwill, AND I switched my car insurance to Geico and saved $500 a year.

The day isn't even over yet! Can I keep up the momentum? I pray that the answer is YES.

Isn't the dude in my picture annoying? Guess what? I'm 10 times as annoying as him right now. I hope I don't crash and burn.

LOVE YA!!

What's In A Name?

I am a person who bores easily, so it shocks me that I've kept my blog design for as long as I did. As much as I love it, I wanted to play around with it so badly!! But I resisted. Same goes with my blog name. Caffeine Court. I'm sick of it.

My husband is in the advertising field and he has continually discouraged me from making too many changes to the design. Since the coffee cup and tennis ball are my "brand" it would probably be dumb to change it. Considering all the money I make off my advertisers, I didn't want to mess with a good thing. (Yeah right.)

So, I kept the name, and the basic look of the blog. But that didn't stop me from compiling a list of alternative titles, just in case my A.D.H.D. kicks in and I can't control myself.

Here are a few of my ideas:

"Facebook and Twitter Obsessed Slacker Mom"

"Three Dog Life"

"Green Juice Court"

"Immature Matriarch"

"Jersey Girl and The Ad Man"

and the most appropriate title now that my blog has been outed..

"Keepin' It Bland"

My apologies to anyone who has a blog name similar to one of my ideas. Remember what they say ladies...imitation is indeed the sincerest form of flattery.

Footnote: I would never SERIOUSLY copy any one's blog name. If and when I change the name of the blog, I'll come up with something original. After all, Plagiarism is a breach of blogging ethics and I will have no part of it. :)

Happy Monday!

TWEAK!!!

I'm still on vacation, but I'd like to take a moment to draw your attention to my new and improved blog design!

Courtney at Judith Shakes Designs gave my header a little punch of color and a sexy, skinnier version of me!!

If you want to give your blog a little makeover, you should see Courtney. She's the best.

I'll be back to my laptop on Monday. In the meantime, have a very Happy Easter.

The Yin and Yang of Blogging

It's Spring Break here in beautiful coastal NJ, so we are on the road. We hit the Big Apple yesterday, today it's Baltimore and tomorrow, D.C. I won't be able to blog...so here is one of my old posts.

Oh, and my blog is undergoing a bit of a redesign, stay tuned. I'll be unveiling my new look real soon!

This whole "blogging thing" has turned out to be so much more than I anticipated. I've always loved writing. In my twenties when I was performing with a comedy troupe in NY my favorite part of the whole experience was the writing. The performing I could have done without! There was no bigger thrill for me than to write a funny sketch and then have some of my incredibly talented and hilarious friends act it out.

Now, many years later I have stumbled upon a way to write about all sorts of subjects. (Funny or not.) I can then post them on the computer and actually get feedback from my audience! (Without the risk of going on a stage and COMPLETELY putting my ass on the line!) What a brilliant concept!

The added bonus is that there are so many fascinating blogs to be read! It's a blessing and a curse. A blessing because there is a never ending source of opinions to explore. A curse because there are only a few moments each day to actually check them out! Sometimes I wish there were 36 hours in a day! (Scratch that-that would mean more time for housework!)

Big Tennis Match Tonight!!

No not mine!! It's the big "Real Housewives" showdown. Ramona and Mario vs. Jill and ???

Can't wait!

They don't call it GREEN juice for nothin'!

As you know, my latest obsession is my consumption of green juice. I just returned from the market and I'm thinking the color of the juice isn't the only thing green about it. Healthy, organic, fruits and veggies are expensive!!

I just purchased ginger root, papaya, pineapple, fresh parsley, romaine lettuce, lemons, cucumbers, granny smith apples and raspberries. All delicious and packed full of vitamins, but can you say CHA CHING?? Ouch.

Couple that with the fact that my 10 year old lab has to get some dental work done or she'll be toothless. This little piece of canine maintenance is going to set us back $800 smackaroos.
CHA CHING.

Catch you guys later. I'm going to switch my car insurance to Geico, and and take all the money I save to the produce department.

What's YOUR Love Sign???

Are you into astrology? I'm not, but I used to read my horoscope every day.

My birthday is May 12th, which makes me a Taurus. Brad is August 16th, so he is a Leo.

People who are into astrology always look a little freaked out when they find out our zodiac signs. Apparently the Bull-Lion combo is a volatile one. I would have to agree. If you read this description it pretty much describes our dynamic.


Taurus Woman and Leo Man

The zodiac match between a Taurus woman and a Leo man has good chances of succeeding in the long run, if both of them are ready to compromise and be a little flexible. She will have to stroke his ego on a regular basis and let him have his way. At the same time, he will have to learn to respect her opinion too. She will also have to control her anger, since the Lion will, more often then not, be the center of attention. But then, he will shower her with loyalty, devotion, passion and romance. Not a bad match, if both of them agree to disagree.

When this twosome are putting each other through their passionate paces in the beautiful boudoir they couldn't be happier.Things will be torrentially torrid and tactile and stunningly sensuous. After all, Taurus is the sign of passion and Leo is one of the two signs of amour, so this cupid couple will find ecstasy and fantastic fulfillment in each other's arms.

There's only one problem.The moment they climb out of bed and descend from their emotional to the real world, everything can start to go woefully wrong, because they just refuse to see each other's point of view. They can both be intransigent and neither will give in to the other one.You see,they're both fixed signs.

Leos believe that they're right and they won't alter their original opinion no matter what you do or say. So, if these argumentative amourettes want their relationship to work, they've got to look in a dictionary to discover the meaning of all sorts of words, like compromise, diplomacy and flexibility.Otherwise, they'll find that words like love and loyalty don't mean much any more. Though they'll both keep plodding on with their partnership.

Brad is loyal, devoted, passionate and romantic lion married to a comfort seeking bull who enjoys being alone and does not liked to be pushed too hard. Sounds exhausting doesn't it? Never a dull moment in our house.

We've been married for almost 11 years so I've learned how to avoid some of the pitfalls of two stubborn souls running a house and raising a family. I've learned I don't always have to be right, and in the process I've become a better person.

Who says you can't teach an old bull new tricks?

How about you? What do the stars say about your relationship?

Oh and my juicer has arrived. I made the green juice and it's pretty good!! Even my daughters like it. Here's some video: Rachel Ray-WATCH OUT!

making green juice!! on 12seconds.tv


putting the stuff in the juicer!!! on 12seconds.tv

Yeah, I look fat in this one...which is why I'm drinking the GREEN JUICE.

the last of the green juice series no face today, I'm worn out on 12seconds.tv

Jumpin' on the green juice bandwagon...

I played tennis the other day against a girl who was awesome. It was quite a battle and we were both exhausted afterwards. In the end, she still beat me. It was rough. Bottom line is, even though I played well, she was in better shape than me.

One of the frustrating things abut playing a competitive sport is playing against people who can play and train more than me. Some of these ladies work out every day and play tennis 5 times a week. I'd actually like to do that, but then I wouldn't have the energy to do all the other tasks I have to complete every day.

Maybe I'm just lazy.

Anyway, my superhuman tennis buddy let me in on her "little secret." She claims that her tennis prowess is all due to her consumption of GREEN JUICE.

Have you heard about it? If not, here's the scoop.

Why It's Good:

This super-green, super good-for-you drink will give you a nice energy buzz and help detoxify your system. If this doesn't give your skin a lovely glow, we don't know what will.

Why It's Green:

Raw, organic vegetables are overloaded with vitamins C and E, folic acid, lycopene and alpha and betacarotene. Vitamin C and E are powerful antioxidants needed to maintain healthy cells; they prevent molecular DNA getting damaged by free radicals. When you choose organic vegetables, no only are pesticides and chemicals not getting into your body, but they are also not polluting the environment.

There's a whole bunch of variations on the recipe, here's one of them.

Donna Karan's Green Juice Recipe

The designer shared her recipe for this energizing, green juice when she appeared on The Martha Stewart Show.

• 5 apples
• ½ bunch celery
• ½ bulb fennel
• 1 cucumber
• ½ head of romaine lettuce
• 1 (1 to 2 inch) piece of ginger
• 1 lemon peeled
• 2 cups greens (kale, spinach or parsley)

1. Wash everything well.

2. Process in a juicer, then drink.

I ordered a Breville juicer from Amazon. It will be here in a few days, so I'll let you know if it changes my life after I've tried this magic concoction.

Who know, after drinking it I might just wake up at 5 am, go for a run and shower before the rest of the family gets up. I will then proceed to cook a healthy breakfast, drop the girls at school and run to the market for organic produce.

Then I'll go to my "job" (I'm sure I'll find a part time job which brings in big bucks after drinking the magic juice.) If I don't go to my high paying part time job, I'll go to a committee meeting, or volunteer at the girl's school.

After that I'll hop over to the tennis club for an hour of singles. Of course I'll win, because I'm drinking GREEN JUICE.

I'll pick the girl's up from school and bring them to their various activities, which they will excel at because they too will drink GREEN JUICE.

Then we'll go home and they will do their homework. IT will come easy to them, because they will be full of nutrients from the GREEN JUICE.

I'll cook a healthy dinner, clean up the kitchen, bathe the children and put them to bed. When they are safely tucked in, I'll drink some more GREEN JUICE, sit in a cozy chair and knit a blanket, which I will donate to a homeless shelter.

Maybe I'll even make my blog the top mommy blog on the internet. I'll bring in huge ad revenue, score a book deal and maybe even get my own talk show. When they ask how I did it, I'll tell the world about the magic powers of GREEN JUICE.

Stranger things have happened.

Now here's another of my short films. This one is called, "Catherine doing her "cool poses."


Catherine doing her "cool poses!" on 12seconds.tv

Pass the Dutchie!!

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Let's try a little experiement...

For some inexplicable reason I was singing the "Pass the Dutchie" song by Musical Youth this morning. My daughters thought I was a little weird, so I showed them the video. They were strangely fascinated by it. When I went to turn it off, they asked to watch it AGAIN.

Very interesting.

I want you to try this with your children. Turn this on and let them watch it. I think you'll be amazed by their reaction.

So New Jersey...

...in a stereotypical way.

Here's my story. There is a little enclave of mafia families here in my town. I don't hobnob with them because most of their kids go to private schools.

Anyway, there is one guy who is especially notorious. He lives in a big stone mansion on the water with huge wrought iron gates up front. Right now he is under house arrest for a huge fuel oil scam he masterminded. He's wearing a monitor on his ankle.

Today I was driving by his house and I saw him for the first time!! It was classic. Pauly Walnuts hair, Tony Soprano build and wardrobe, straight out of central casting. Our eyes locked as I drove by and I got a little scared. I hope he doesn't whack me!!! ;0

Last year I worked as a volunteer for a local "Kitchen Tour" and I was stationed at a mafia house. This house did not have a speck of cedar shake, wainscoting or chintz. We're talking marble counter tops, statues and velvet.

I hung out with the "kitchen designer to the mob." His portfolio read like a who's who in waste management. He had about 200 "cousins" drop in, who didn't have tickets for the tour, but wanted to see the kitchen he designed. All the men were wearing gold chains and sweats and all the ladies had big hair, high heels and tight jeans. CLASSIC!!!

Lucky for me this little group is a small minority in my town, but they DO exist. Trust me. I've seen them up close.

I will conclude this post with another of my short films entitled..."Buddy Enjoying Peanut Butter." If you close your eyes and listen to the audio, it's kind of perverted!!!

Buddy enjoying peanut butter.... on 12seconds.tv

I hate April Fool's Day too!

Seriously, I do.

No, I'm not shutting down the blog, or Twitter, or even Facebook. I certainly would be a hell of alot more "productive" if I did, but I like living on the edge, so I will continue blogging, poking and tweeting. Now that I've discovered "12 Seconds" on Twitter, you might be seeing alot more of my amazing videos. Here's one of my newest productions, entitled: "My Kitchen."



trying out 12 seconds! here's my kitchen. on 12seconds.tv
How can I deprive you of fascinating stuff like this?

Good Bye

It is with great sadness that I write my final post.

I have decided to concentrate on the important things in life. Blogging is distracting me from my life's work.

I will be closing my Twitter and Facebook accounts also.

I will, however, keep my e-mail account. If you need to reach me I can be contacted at jillyou@verizon.net.

It's been fun.