No more Halloween with the Springsteens!

One of the coolest things in my town is Bruce Springsteen's set-up outside his home.  He always does the most elaborate Halloween decorations (kind of like the Haunted Mansion at Disney World) He gives all the children massive amounts of candy and all the ladies are giddy at the thought of a face to face with The Boss.  

There are always police and security guards present to maintain order and to keep people at a safe distance from the Springsteen home.  

As you know, all good things come to an end.  The following was posted on Springsteen's official web page.

HALLOWEEN

To our friends and neighbors:

So as not to inconvenience you this Halloween, due to "catastrophic success" (read:  too many visitors for the neighborhood to handle) and concern for the safety of kids and parents!  We won't be having our usual Halloween display this year in Rumson.

We wish everyone a safe and Happy Halloween!

Thanks, 

Bruce and Patti

BUMMER.  Caffeine Court, along with Bruce and Patti wishes you a very spooky Halloween!!! Try not to eat too many Snickers Bars!!

Strange Happenings in the Girl's Locker Room

I was packing my daughter's shorts and tee shirt for gym class this morning when I remembered my middle school days. We had the most HEINOUS one piece stretch gym suits that we had to wear for gym.  

They were the most unflattering article of clothing EVER.  Kind of like a wrestling singlet for girls.  Luckily I was a scrawny little thing, but anyone with a little belly or developing bosom, must have been freaking out every time they put on that nasty little suit.  My problem was it gave me a wedgie.

After gym we were required to go into this big room filled with shower heads and take showers NAKED in front of the all the girls in the 7th grade! It was completely mortifying and not unlike a scene from a women's prison. Our gym teachers would sit there and watch to make sure everyone got naked. We had to parade past them and open our towels before we got in the showers to prove we weren't wearing underwear!!!  A little strange, don't you think?

It's amazing the difference in development in 7th grade girls. One girl, I remember her name, Janet G. (last name deleted to prevent a lawsuit) She was built like a grown woman at the age of 12. She came strutting into the showers, with no shame at all, the room fell silent.  It was shocking how womanly she was.  Finally she yelled "WHAT IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT?!!!" It was awkward to say the least.  (I'm still convinced she was held back a few years, NO ONE that young has boobs that big.)

Do you think getting completely butt naked and showering in front of everyone was mandated by the state? Or were our gym teachers just weird and sadistic? I wonder to this day.

And of course the whole bra thing came up at that age. EVERYONE had a bra, so even though I was flat as a board I insisted that my mother take me to the mall and get me one. When we went in the store, I asked her to just stick it in her purse, rather than put me through the torture of having the lady a the register know I was getting a brassiere. She refused to shoplift the bra, and I still remember how red my face was as the old lady behind the counter rang up our purchase.

I am so glad I'll never have to go through the humiliation of parading nude in front of 50 other people ever again. Unfortunately my daughters will have to endure the right of passage that is the girls' locker room before and after gym class.

I hope I can help make it as painless as possible for them.  Maybe I'll get them spray tanned. :)

(To all you male readers-I hope this post didn't freak you out too much. I'll warn you when I decide to post about getting my first period. I'd hate to send you over the edge.)

Footnote:  I am so glad to hear that they got rid of the required public showers after gym class.  I wish I had been born a few years later, so that I hadn't been forced to do it.  Oh well, stuff like that builds character.  (Or scars you for life, whatever.)

We interrupt this political discussion for some happy thoughts...

Smile. Take a deep breath.

That's it...good.

Now have a great day.

This is getting really interesting!!!

I've been reading your comments on my last post and I really love that we are debating the upcoming election in a civil manner!

Here's a thought I want to throw out for discussion.

What do you think about our system of government?  The Constitution, which I feel is a powerful and amazing document outlines a system of checks and balances that guarantees (or at least attempts to guarantee) that no part of the government becomes too powerful.     

Personally I think this is a great system.  One of my fears is that if we don't have at least somewhat equal representation of Democrats and Republicans in all branches of government, that the government will have too much power.  

I do not want the government to have a hand in my every aspect of my life.  In my opinion the less government intervention the better.  IN EVERYTHING.

What do you think about this?

Hey you...don't run away!! This isn't a "fun" post...but it's important.

Have you decided who you are voting for on November 4th?

Most people I've talked to have their minds made up.  

If you watch the news, you'll see that both candidates are frantically campaigning in "swing states."  Why?  Because according to polls there are many people who haven't decided which candidate will receive their vote.  

There are lots of reasons why some people are undecided.  Some people are fed up with all the partisan bickering.  Some are upset with the way the Bush administration and the Democratic-controlled Congress have been running the country.  

Some are fiscally conservative and socially liberal.  (I fit into this category.)  Maybe you just feel neither candidate is qualified, so for you this election will mean choosing "the lesser of two evils."

If you are still making up your mind, I'm curious.  Why?

(I know, I know everyone is sick and tired of the election.  I can't help but be obsessed with it, because this is huge and the person we choose is going to affect our lives PROFOUNDLY for many years to come.) 

Oh and by the way, in case you didn't already know, I'm voting for John McCain.

It's all about forgiveness...

As I read your comments on my unpleasant experience at McDonald's on Monday morning I had a thought.  

(I'm going to say what I really think here, so if you're really politically correct, please exit this blog IMMEDIATELY!)

Can you imagine working the drive-thru window during the breakfast shift at McDonald's? Think about it, you'd have to get up at 5 am, put on a polyester uniform and then stand handing out Egg McMuffins and hash browns for hours!  To make matters worse you would have to deal with people like you and me.  Fools who only have a debit card, or who demand that their order is correct.  The entire time you are working you have a 500 pound manager who looks like she could play defense for the New York Jets staring over your shoulder.  And the reward for this? Probably about $7.25 an hour.   This woman was not a teenager working for some spending money.  This was her career.  

So when I came cruising up and asked her to cut me a break on the soda I'm sure she was ready to snap.  How much can one woman take?  No wonder she poured my Diet Coke down the sink! I think I got away pretty easy.  She probably wanted to throw it in my face.  

As Linda pointed out, Ronald McDonald would not be proud of this employee's behavior.  She was pretty rude to me.  But Ronald has a much better job than she does, and I'm sure he makes really great money, which probably explains why he's always so damn happy.

When I remember yesterday's encounter, I'm going to try to think of the woman who hit me where it hurts, with compassion instead of hatred.  Had I been in her shoes I might have done the exact same thing.

I'm so glad to be me.  

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go clean up the dog poop in the backyard and then scrub the toilets.

When I'm done we can all join hands and sing "Kumbaya."

Sounds like someone has a "little problem"...

This morning I hit rock bottom. After I dropped the girls at school I went to the McDonald's Drive Thru to get my morning FOUNTAIN Diet Coke. (Cans or bottle just won't do!)

I placed my order and pulled up to the window. As I went to hand the girl my debit card she informed me, "The card machine doesn't work. CASH ONLY."

SHIT!

I frantically rummaged though my purse, and the little change holder on my dashboard. I was out of luck, all my pennies only added up to 47 cents.

I started to feel a little panicky, so I tried to reason with the lady. "I come here all the time. Can you give me the Diet Coke and I'll come back later with money?" God I sounded desperate.

"Sorry... NO" she replied, as she looked me straight in the eye and dumped my Diet Coke in the sink. I could tell she was enjoying the power she had over me.

I almost jumped through the window and grabbed the cup out of her hands. Luckily I came to my senses before things got ugly. I think she would have pummeled me pretty quickly had it come to fisticuffs. She looked like a gal who had been around the block a few times.

Thankfully, there's a Burger King across the street. I cruised on over to The King and got myself a big old super sized cup of carbonated caffeine. Their card machine was working and the transaction went off without a hitch.

Five minutes later I was cruising along chugging my liquid crack with a smile on my face.

I'm not proud of this story, and I know I have issues. I'm working on it, okay?!

Remember, realizing you have a problem is the first step toward recovery.

Diary of a Mad Housewife aka "Help! I'm drowning in Polly Pockets!!"

As you recall, I posted last Monday about how much I look forward to the end of the weekend. Well I started feeling it again this weekend. I was so frustrated!!!

My husband had prepared some elaborate recipes and left the kitchen a huge mess, my children had friends over and trashed the house. there were books, puzzles, dishes and clothes everywhere.

As I looked around I felt a tightening in my throat. I seriously felt like FREAKING OUT. I almost pulled a "Thelma and Louise." Can't you picture it? Me in my Toyota Minivan, cruising down the highway music blaring, smoking a Marlboro and drinking an ice cold brewsky? I sure can.

I was ragging BIG TIME. I heard myself saying things my mom used to say..."I'm not the maid around here!" "All I ever do is pick up after you people!" Real attractive.

It dawned on me that my weekends should be a time of joy, not anger. So I pulled a George Costanza and yelled, "SERENITY NOW!!" It didn't work.

Then I did something my father used to do. I corralled my daughters upstairs and made them pitch in and clean up the ungodly mess they had made. They bitched the entire time and I pointed out to them that their anger and annoyance was pretty much what I feel everyday.

I blame myself for this dilemma. I have been picking up after my daughters since they were born. I do it myself because it's easier that way. Unfortunately it's backfiring.

It's time for a rude awakening, not just for me, for my whole family. My mission, is to get this house organized so that my children know where everything goes. I need a shelf for games, a drawer for arts and craft supplies, specific drawers for socks. You organized people know all about this. It sounds so logical!

Unfortunately for me, organization has NEVER been my strong suit. And it's seriously driving me nuts.

I am so happy when I'm out and about, running errands, going to the supermarket or the bank, but when I step into this house and try to figure out where everything goes, WHAM, I get really tense. I refuse to pay someone $80 an hour to help me sort through the stuff. I need to find the discipline to do it myself.

So, I'm declaring next month "Get my shit together month!" (Sorry I can't do it this week, I have a field trip, I'm in charge of a kindergarten "getting to know you" breakfast, and my daughter's Halloween party at school on Friday. So get off my back!! Oops sorry.)

As of November 1st I'm going to do an organization project each and every day, and I'm going to post pictures just to motivate myself. I'm going to need lots of postitive feedback and encouragement if I do something good. If you aren't hearing about progress it means I'm slacking, and you need to call me on it!!!

Is that too much to ask of you?

Wanna see my new breast implants?

It's "Scrolling Saturday" the day I pull out some old posts from the archives, because I'm supposed to be cleaning out closets.  (Hubby's home.)

Here goes!

Do you like my new boobs? I got a great deal on them...only $50!

For $10,000 more the doctor said he could put them UNDER my skin. (Or I could go to Brazil and have it done for $200.)

I think they're pretty cute just the way they are, PLUS my husband can bring them with him on business trips so he won't get lonely without me.


Whaddya think? Can you think of any other uses for these babies? (Besides making me look smokin' hot?)

I kind of like them on the kitchen counter.
Really appetizing! YUM YUM

"Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

-Rita Rudner

I have so much worthless crap on my mind...

Thanks for participating in my children's name study.  Look for my book, "Bloggy Baby Names" which will hopefully be available at your local bookstore real soon.  If for some reason, no publishing house wants my book, I will compile a formal, in depth report on my findings sometime in the near future.  As a matter of fact, I'm taking this subject over to Collage.  Let us know why you picked your children's names.  Inquiring minds want to know!

Unfortunately I will not be able to write my report on identity theft.  Not one of you sent me the data I requested.  I'm not sure why you you didn't feel comfortable sharing personal information with me, but I'm going to work harder to gain your trust.

Now, on to the next subject.  Here is a question I've been pondering...

What do you think it takes to get mucho comments on a blog?  Does it require writing scintillating, titillating and thought provoking posts?  Or, does it require spending lots of time hopping from blog to blog leaving comments (or "spreading your seed" as I like to call it)?

Let's discuss. 

Help me out here.

I'm doing a little study on children's names. (Don't ask why, just play along with me.)

If you are willing to participate please type your children's names, (first name only) and the names of their five best friends. Then tell me your state.

Okay, I'll start.

Margaret (Meg): Jane, Sydney, Emma, Katherine (Katie), Madison (Maddy)

Catherine (no nickname, although my husband tries to call her Catie and it just doesn't feel right to me!): Brynn, Josette (Josie), Juliana, Gretchen, Garrett (a boy)

Our state: New Jersey

Once you've done that, would you please e-mail me your social security number, routing number and account number from your checking account and your full name. I'm also doing a study on identity theft.

Thanks so much.

(But seriously, do the kids' name thing...)

A tennis question! Goody!!!

Alrighty...it's time to get back to your questions.

Mrs. K asks...

What was your WORST doubles experience? please elaborate right down to the nitty gritty. thank you

Okay, Connie, you know how I HATE talking about tennis, but I'll do it for you.

My worst doubles experience? Once again, I have SOOO many.

Over the summer, I played in a tournament with a woman who kept grabbing my arm and saying things like..."You were standing in no man's land...either stay back of get to net!!!" Or, "Don't lob, just hit hard, GO FOR IT!!" Or, "When I'm serving, don't stand so close to the middle!" Then she would say, (every time) "But you're playing GREAT!!!"

This is what I wanted to say, "If you think I'm playing so great, than why the hell do you keep grabbing my arm hard enough to bruise me and hiss advice at me?"

I was tempted to give her a little constructive criticism such as..."Stop hitting the ball into the net ass wipe!" Or, "Get the ball IN bitch!'' And then add, "Other than that you're AWESOME!" But since it was a member-guest and it was her country club, I held my tongue. The good news is, the lunch afterwards was delicious!!!

Here's one more, a friend of mine organized a mixed doubles group on Thursday nights. She put the whole thing together, so she gets to assign partners. I showed up last Thursday and met her partner. He was about 2o years old, tall and muscular. He even had braces!! I think she recruited him off the men's pro tour.

My partner, Woody Allen. I stood at net and Woody hit the ball to The Terminator. Bamm! The Terminator, BASHES the ball at me. It was the hardest shot I have ever had come at me. And it had spin, so it dove! I literally had to dive out of the way, praying that I chose the right direction so as not to shatter my jaw or lose and eye.

After a few points like this, I realized that in order to avoid serious injury I had to play back. We played and lost 3 sets like this. Each set was 6-4, which made me proud that I was able to stand up to The Terminator, with a partner who didn't even hit as hard as a woman.

My friend who organized the group, did not at any point, offer to switch partners to make things a little more fair for at least one set. She's no fool. She wasn't going to put her ass out there to let this young buck take target practice at her head. At the end of the 2 hours I was so damn sore from stress and the impact I felt each time I returned one of his 100 mph serves.

After we finished I thanked The Terminator for not taking it easy on me. I let him know that I appreciated his faith that I was still nimble enough to dodge crushing forehands aimed directly at my face. He payed this old woman the ultimate tennis compliment. (Either that or he doesn't give a shit if he maims someone, as long as he wins!)

I've still got it people!!!

Thanks for your question Connie. Now I'll tag you!!! Tell me your worst story.

Oh and I'm running out of questions to answer so keep em coming.

A Caffeine Court News Bulletin

Coffee Shrinks Women's Breasts, Enlarges Men's

dailystar.co.uk — Swedish scientists have caused a stir by suggesting women who drink more than three cups a day could see their bra size drop. Tests by cancer researchers found half of all women have a gene linking breast size to coffee intake. The reaction is the reverse for coffee-slurping blokes – it can make their “moobs" swell.

Do you mean to tell me that my husband's boobs are going to be bigger than mine? Say it ain't so!!!

Do you think Diet Coke has the same effect? I'm panicking here people.

Getting "Down and Dirty" with Petunia!

Okay, returning to your questions. Petunia really went for it! I love forthright people.

You go Petunia!

Petunia said...What is the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?

Wow, it would be hard to pick! I've done so many incredibly humiliating things. (Most of them when I was drunk.) The most recent was when I puked all over my friend's master bedroom at a Preakness party two years ago. That was really lovely. I looked so cute in my Lilly Pants and Jack Rogers sandals lying on her white matelasse comforter in my own vomit. Word of warning...Black Eyed Susans on an empty stomach can be deadly. You have been warned!!!

Luckily the host and hostess of the party are the kind of people who like those kinds of things to happen. (Heavy duty partiers! I can only hang out with them a couple times a year.)

I passed out in the bushes outside a Denny's when I was in college. But that really wasn't too embarrassing because I was out of town so no one knew me.

Right before I met my husband I went on the worst blind date EVER! My sister and her husband fixed me up with the biggest geek in the world, so what did I do? I got smashed. We ended up at a Progressive Dinner party in my sister's neighborhood where I proceeded to flirt heavily with all the cute married guys at the party. I had no choice! Everyone was married and my date was the biggest goober ever! But seriously, I was really humiliated the next day. I'm surprised none of the wives clawed my eyes out. It was 14 years ago, and I still feel a little embarrassed when I go visit my sister!!

Have you always been happily married?

Up until I was 33 I wasn't married at all!! Just call me an old maid. But seriously, I didn't feel a huge drive to get married in my twenties. I had some serious boyfriends and I lived with one of them when I was 25, but he wasn't the right guy.

I always knew I wanted to have children, but getting married, having a big wedding with a poufy gown and all the bridesmaids, well, it was never really my big dream! We did have a nice wedding in Vermont, and it was a blast. I thought I would have been just as happy to go to Vegas, but in hindsight, I'm so glad we went through the trouble. There is something to be said for saying our vows in front of the people who mean the most to us in this world.

As for being "happily married." I am very happy to be married. I love my husband very much. Some days it's great, other days he really pisses me off and gets on my nerves. (and visa versa) Unless something monumental happens, (such as Jon Hamm from "Mad Men" proposing to me) I plan on spending the rest of my life with Brad.

With names like Jill and Brad, don't you think we were made for each other?


This ends today's Q and A session. As always, I am always here to answer your queries and/or give advice. I so love giving advice, so if there's any major decisions or issues you need help with, feel free to ask me, a total stranger, for my guidance. I'm here for you, 24/7 thanks to my cool BlackBerry.

And please don't be frightened by all my drunken stories. I've replaced beer and jello shots with Diet Coke Big Gulps and Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffees, so my brain works at a very high rate of speed.

T.G.I.M. (Thank God It's Monday!)

I'll bet you've never heard that before! Or, maybe, if you're like me, you think the same thing every week.

For most people Friday is the day they look forward to. When the school bell rings or the whistle blows it signals a two day break from classes, or commuting to work.

For me Friday means the beginning of the toughest 48 hours of the week. Football games, sleepovers, home improvement projects and the constant sound of "Mom, I'm starving!" or "Honey, can you help me in the basement?"

My husband works like a dog all week, so I encourage him to relax on the weekends and go play golf, watch football, or take a hike. (Yes, I do tell him to "take a hike!" Especially when he decides we're going to take on a big project like cleaning out closets or rebuilding the shed.) When Sunday night rolls around, my daughters start getting cranky because they have school the next day. My husband gets stressed about the upcoming week. And me? Well, let's just say I start dreaming about sending the little ones off on their merry way, lunches packed and books in hand.

Not that I don't LOVE my family. They are wonderful. They are also extremely demanding, and I am a huge fan of alone time, I always have been. On the weekends, I don't get any. (Well I do "get some" in that sense of the word, but that's not alone time...if you catch my drift.) Even the bathroom isn't sacred. I've had my husband hand me the phone WHILE I WAS IN THE SHOWER!!!  WTF?

Monday through Friday I get those golden moments where I can concentrate on whatever task I set out to complete. In the car, I can listen to the news, when I'm home I can pay some bills, unload the dishwasher or dry my hair UNINTERRUPTED! Pure bliss.

At 3:05 it's back to business as usual and I practically run to embrace my daughters as they parade out of school tired from a long day of learning. I appreciate them all the more because I had my productive,focused "me time" earlier in the day.

T.G.I.F.? Maybe for you. Monday is MY fun day.

New E-Mail

My e-mail address has changed...I can be reached at:  jillyou@verizon.net

Back to Reader Mail...

Okay, after that brief diversion I'm going to get back to answering your questions...even though when I do I don't get any comments and I DO love getting them. (hint, hint)

The 5 Bickies asks..

Do you ever get the jitters from caffeine? I get jitters from lack of caffeine. I'm like a heroin addict when I drink my first Diet Coke of the day. I shiver with pleasure as I take the first gulp.

what is your tennis rating? I am a 3.5

what is your favorite item of clothing? Funny you should mention that. I was shopping at The Grove (a swanky little shopping center near me.) I looked around at all the ladies in their accessorized outfits wearing makeup with their hair all neat, and realized that most of the time I dress like a "before" picture from a Redbook Magazine makeover spread.

My outfit of choice (when I'm not in a tennis skirt); plain t-shirt, fleece pullover, boot cut jeans and Dansko clogs, Uggs or Crocs. So boring. I think it's the official uniform of the ladies in my town.

I'm trying to step it up a bit, so I've been making the effort to put on cute sweaters, with fun belts, driving mocs and nice cords. I'm SO fashion forward.

To give you a direct answer to your question, my absolutely favorite item of clothing is my Barbour Classic Eskdale Jacket in Hunter Green. I wear it all the time.

That's all for now, I don't want you to O.D. on all things Jill. We now return to my regularly scheduled discussions on cussing, small testicles and my feisty temper.

Mommy has a Potty Mouth

I've got a problem. I realized it the other day when a friend of mine at tennis told me about yet another mean thing my ex team captain did to a fellow player.

I got pretty fired up and admitted that I think this woman is a total bitch who is mean and fucks people over after she lies to their face. As I made my opinions known, I noticed that my friend's eyes bulged out every time I let loose one of my crude expletives. Since I know she doesn't have some weird disease that causes her eyes to pop in and out in a rhythmic fashion, I assume it was a reaction to my foul mouth.

She was in total agreement with me, but she used much gentler words to express her displeasure with this particular person.

As this woman recoiled at my harsh language I could hear my husband's voice. "You're a mom, stop cursing so much." As much as I hate to admit it, the man does have a valid point.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't curse in church (when I go), at my children's school, or in front of my children's friends. It's usually done when I'm not thinking or when I feel comfortable with another person.

Here are some examples...I curse in the car..."That DOUCHEBAG cut me off!" I do it when the dog shits (that's right SHITS) on the floor..."FUCK!!!" When I hurt myself I don't scream "Ouch!" Instead I yell.. "GOD DAMN it!!

It's not very becoming.

It is fun though. I really enjoy doing it. Getting drunk is fun too. But the hangover the next day sure isn't.

Sooo, in my ongoing quest for self improvement I'm going to make a concerted effort to be a lady. I am a relatively intelligent, albeit undisciplined woman, who has a large vocabulary. I can surely find other words to convey my anger or displeasure.

So the next time an inconsiderate oaf cuts in front of me on the Parkway, you will hear me exclaim, "How reckless!! Learn the proper merging technique, you half-witted imbecile!!"

Doesn't that sound grown up?

Google Analytics-Part 264

I was checking out my Google Analytics and these are some of the keywords that lead people to my blog:

making out with a dog

flat chested horny housewives

I need new breasts

turkish allegations of losing virginity to animals

what is the crunching sound when I get Botox injections?

Do you think the people searching for flat chested horny housewives who get Botox and make out with dogs were disappointed when their searches led to Caffeine Court?

No wait...don't answer that. I don't even want to go there.

FF9D7DCE-AE40-2579-3F6E-F719942FF63D

1.02.05

What's wrong with this picture?

This is not an example of Photoshop. This is an actual picture of a 67 year old man. How does he look like this? Well, apparently by using Cenegenics. I saw this ad in magazine and I was freaked out, and intrigued.

This dude may look a little odd — OK, maybe bizarre is a better word. But hey, he's the talk of the local pool. He even hangs out there in the winter, just to show off his 67 year old 6 pack.

The Cenegenics system claims to reverse the aging process through nutrition, exercise and shooting yourself up with hormones. Possible side effects include cancer, testicle shrinkage, and baldness. Looks like the baldness has kicked in for this stud. I wonder what his testicles look like? Ewww...I just pictured it.

Anyway, if you want to check out this freak show, or if you want your husband to have a hot bod, a bald head, cancer and tiny nuts, click Cenegenics link NOW.

Footnote: I don't think being bald or having a receding hairline is unattractive. As a matter of fact my boyfriend from years ago used to rub his head with Rogaine everyday and I implored him not to. I think it looks cool to be bald. The bad thing is when you are bald EVERYWHERE because you shoot yourself up with testosterone everyday! It also looks strange to have Mr. Magoo's head on a Schwarzenegger bod.

New Topic Alert!

Coulrophobia is the fear of clowns.   Rhytiphobia is the fear of getting wrinkles, these are just a couple of my phobias.  

Head on over to Collage to share yours!

The Trickle-Down Theory in Action!!!

Yesterday my 9 year old had her friend Kaitlyn over to play. Kaitlyn is a total trip. She's one of the funniest kids I've ever met.

When her mom came to pick her up we had a little political discussion. It went something like this:

Kaitlyn: Mrs. Y, I almost forgot to ask you this, who are you voting for in the election?

Kaitlyn's Mom (who is very proper and polite): KAITLYN!!! You don't ask people that question!

Me: It's okay. I'm voting for McCain.

Kaitlyn: I'm for Obama.

K's Mom (threatening tone): KAITLYN.....

Kaitlyn: I love Obama. Lot's of kids in my class wanted Hillary. But I really wanted Obama.

Did you know that Abraham Lincoln didn't have much experience, but he was a great president.

K's Mom (under her breath): I don't know where she gets this.

Kaitlyn: Daddy's for Obama.

K's Mom: Did he tell you that?

Kaitlyn: Yeah, he loves Obama. Katie likes McCain, so does Trevor. They should get married.

K's Mom: Kaitlyn it's time to go home.

Kaitlyn (as she climbs in the car): Wouldn't it be exciting to have our first black President? I think Obama's going to win!

And off they went...

I think someone has a future in politics. That child is proof positive that the trickle-down theory does indeed work! (And I think mom was more than a bit surprised to hear who daddy was voting for!!)

Big debate tomorrow night...stay tuned.

They're BAAACK...The HalloWeenies...

I'm going to take a little break from talking about myself. In the spirit of Halloween, I've brought back a post I did a year ago...enjoy!!

It's fall, my favorite time of the year! I love decorating my house with mums, pumpkins, gourds and cornstalks. When it gets closer to Halloween we throw up a few fake cobwebs, carve up the Jack-O-Lantern and light him up!!

Some people, however, do not share my taste in fall decor. They pump up the big old inflatable ghosts and pumpkins, some even have three or four of these festive dirigibles displayed proudly on their front lawn. (Much to the delight of my children!) While I don't love inflatable Frankensteins or skeletons, they're harmless, cute and fun.



What I have a problem with are people who choose to bedeck their homes with bloody body parts, corpses hanging from nooses and demons with claws swinging from the front porch.

These people must truly hate small children. Why else would you choose to transform your house into the set from "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" at a time of year when little children travel from home to home dressed as Disney Princesses and Power Rangers?

I literally have to change my travel routes at this time of year to avoid certain "Houses of Horror." For some reason my 8 year old and 4 year old are freaked out by corpses.

Another Halloween tradition I love is when people decide to jump out and scare kids as they approach their homes to get a Kit-Kat Bar. There are a few different techniques. There's the zombie with the candy bowl who sits perfectly still and then jumps at the kids when they reach in to snatch up the candy. BOOOOOO! Then there's the teen-age boys who answer the door with fake hatchets sticking out of their heads. Thanks alot you little punk!

And of course there are the homes with the strobe lights, cackling witch laugh soundtracks and black lights where Freddie Krueger pops out from behind the bushes. All that stuff is fun, when you're sixteen-but do you think these people could save it for after 8 pm when the elementary school crowd is home sorting their candy?

And don't even get me started on the Party Stores that feature a Halloween section. My kids won't go near these stores. Tomorrow, when both my kids are at school I have to make a Halloween store run by myself, because they are afraid to see the array of corpse brides and severed heads the store has displayed near the entrance.

I think I've made my point. Halloween is about kids and fun. Don't be a HalloWeenie. Save the "Night of the Living Dead" stuff for after the little ones are safe at home. (OR I'LL EGG YOUR HOUSE!)

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear."
--- H.P. Lovecraft

Moving right along...

This answering questions thing is hard work...but I'm not going to give up!!!

Here we go...

simplynotso asks...

How do you get to be such a smart, funny person with a sister who has always looked up to you with pride???

Sounds like someone wants to borrow some money. I already told you...flattery will get you nowhere! Try the First Bank of Orwell. This well is dry! (Just teasing.)

I can always count on my little sister to make me feel good! Always remember Amy, I look DOWN on you with pride!

jenn said...

What are your kids' personalities like? Do they take more after you or your husband?

My 9 year old daughter Meg is really funny and smart. (If I do say so myself.) She is very shy at first, but when you get to know her WATCH OUT. She's pretty wild and irreverent under that quiet exterior. (She gets that from me.) She is a major rule follower at school, much like her Dad was (and is.) She is also very careful about being kind to others and really cares about other people's feelings. (Just like Dad.)

Catherine, my 5 year old is very outgoing. She is a very hard worker and very generous and giving. (Just like her father.) She marches to her own drum, which I think comes from me. She is very quick to make friends and has lots of them. She is extremely stubborn and has quite a temper. (Which is what happens when a Taurus mates with a Leo.)

Speaking of mating, my husband is going to be home early from work tonight, so I best get to cooking up some vittles!

Nip/Tuck

New topic alert!!! Head on over to Collage. Today's discussion: Have you had plastic surgery? If not, would you consider it??

Mrs. D-This One's for You!

Mrs.D asks...

What happens to bloggers when we die? How will our blog friends know what happened? Wow, I'm glad you mentioned that. I should contact my lawyer to add a little "blog clause" in my will. That way my loved ones will have access to my Blogger sign-in and password. If I step in front of a bus they can let you all know what happened!

And also, do you think blog friends would also be friends in real life, if we all happened to run into each other. Theoretical, huh? I too think about that. It's interesting. I'll bet it's kind of like people who meet in chat rooms. They start rapping on line and feel a connection. Then they set up a meeting. Sometimes they realize the chemistry was real and they end up getting married. Other times they take one look at each other and realize it was way better with a monitor and a keyboard. I've never been to BlogHer...but I'll bet there's some great stories about "WHEN BLOGGERS FINALLY MEET."

Oh, here's one, who was your first commenter? My smart Alec sister was my very first commenter. She totally hazed me for having a blog. Now SHE has one. My first non blood relation commenters were Southern Fried Girl and Tickled Pink and Green. For some reason the Southern Belles like this Jersey Girl.

I AM going to keep answering questions...even though my answers are not getting much action in the comment department. If you are reading this and you want to ask something fire away. Like I said, I'll answer ANYTHING.

You've got questions...I've got answers!!!

So far so good on the questions, I was hoping no one would ask anything too shocking or personal, since I did say I would answer ANYTHING. Thanks for keeping it clean.

Anyway, here we go.

Jane Doe asks...

What is your personality in real life? Outspoken or do you save it for your blog?

My blog pretty much reflects my personality. I'm pretty forthright, but not so much so that I hurt people's feelings. I try to be open minded. Although I do have strong opinions on certain subjects, I try not to shove those opinions down any one's throat and I respect other people's right to disagree with me.


Linda asks...How's your Dad doing?

Linda, thanks so much for asking. Last January 2nd was a really scary day for us. That day my father went in for surgery to repair his aorta. They told us the surgery would take about 4 or 5 hours. 11 hours later we were still sitting in the waiting room, with no word from anyone!! At about hour eight I was ready to poke my head in the operating room, just to ask how it was going. For some reason they wouldn't let me in!!! HOW RUDE.

Anyway, my dad is doing really great. Having an aortal dissection is usually fatal. Thanks to some amazing doctors at Columbia Presbyterian and Jersey Shore Medical Center my father managed to dodge the bullet TWICE, He is also incredibly determined and keeps up with his healthcare, which helps alot. We are so thankful that he is still with us. He's even playing tennis again!!



Angry Julie Monday...How did you get started playing tennis?

Since we're talking about my Dad this is a perfect subject. Both of my parents played tennis when I was a kid, and my Dad was REALLY into it. We started playing around on the court when I was around 7. That led to lessons and high school tennis. I put down my racquet when I went away to college. (I needed both hands for all the beers and jello shots I was consuming.)

I didn't play for about 20 years. I barely even worked out. Then, when I had my youngest daughter, five years ago I wanted to get back in shape without going to the gym. I joined a doubles league and tennis once again became a huge part of my life.

I can't say enough good things about it. It's a great social sport that you can play your entire life. There are people out on the court in their eighties. If you haven't tried it, YOU SHOULD!! (The bonus is, tennis outfits are SO cute!)

Oh and to answer your question La Petite Redhead...

It's NEVER too late to start playing tennis. Call your local club and ask if they have beginner clinics (which I'm sure they do!) Depending on your level of commitment, you will be playing games before you know it! Then I'll have another friend to talk tennis with!! Go, do it, right now...pick up the phone! You'll be glad you did.

Okay, that's all for now. I'll answer more questions later.

My youngest wants to do "Sand Art." Time to make a mess.

I HEART BLOGGING!!

I love having a blog. Isn't it cool that we can have our own little website dedicated to expressing ourselves?

I've said this before, but since I love to repeat myself, I'll say it again. When I first heard about blogging I thought it was asinine. I couldn't believe anyone would bother sitting at a computer writing about the mundane events of their lives. What a skeptic I was.

Now here I am, 14 months and 520 posts later, completely immersed in it!

Is it egotistical to have a blog? Maybe a little, but I think it's a blast to have such a wonderful forum to share ideas with people from all over the world. YAY BLOGGING!!!

In the spirit of being vain and egotistical I'm going to assume that I'm interesting enough that you'd like to ask me questions about ME AND MY LIFE. (Yeah, that's right, bold, red and all caps, baby!)

Go ahead, ask me anything. I'm an open book.

Or take me down a few pegs and don't ask me anything, in which case I'll start writing about the election again!

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1.02.05

Who needs PBS??

Overheard in the Caffeine Court playroom.

Brad (My husband):

Girls, enough of the SpongeBob! Turn on something educational.

Catherine (My 5 year old): SpongeBob is educational!


Brad: It is? What does it teach you about?

Catherine: Sponges.

You can't argue with that.

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1.02.05

How NOT to need a bailout...

Check out this feature that was on CBS Evening News tonight.

This is my husband's uncle and the family bank in Orwell, VT.

Our federal government, Fannie and Freddie could learn a thing or two from the First National Bank of Orwell.

THESE guys know how to do business!!!

If the video doesn't work, try this link.

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1.02.05

Let's talk about the weather...

I've read your comments on my previous post and I can see why some of you don't even want to dignify the e-mail I received. I too found it offensive, but I posted it to make a point.

On the radio this morning a talk show host who is an older gentlemen talked about the election. He commented that Americans have always had different opinions and that's what makes this country great. He has noticed, as we all have, that we no longer seem to have a shared vision. Instead of acknowledging our differences and celebrating them, there is a strong feeling of hatred and divisiveness. I know there have been other times in history that our country has been strongly divided, such as during the Civil War and Vietnam, I just haven't been around to see it.

I am very interested in people and the way their minds work. The past few months have been fascinating for me, because I've seen a side of many people that has quite frankly shocked me. Who would guess that this woman who appears so gentile and intelligent would send out such a harsh racist e-mail to 100 people? It's so over the top!!! On the other side, I've heard conspiracy theories. I've heard from more than one person that George Bush and Dick Cheney masterminded the 9/11 attacks for their own financial and political benefit! Once again, shocking and pretty extreme. I've heard racist and sexist comments from the mouths of people who I never dreamed would utter such trash.

I guess this is why people talk about the weather, or sports and not politics or religion.

So, in that vein, did you see Beverly Hills Chihuahua yet? It's so cute. All those adorable little puppies running around. Precious I tell you, just precious.

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1.02.05

Stirring the Pot...WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER!!!

I received the following e-mail earlier today from a girl I used to be on a tennis team with. We are not close friends, so I was very surprised by the content. She sent this e-mail to about 100 other people. I only recognized fellow team members.

I was pretty amazed that this woman would send such a controversial e-mail to so many people that she has casual friendships with...

I just cut and paste, so excuse any formatting or grammatical errors....Oh and let me warn you...this is a LONG post. Here goes:

This is a matter of opinion and opinions are like (well you know) everybody has one.

My personal opinion? I agree.

If after reading this email you disagree,

Please, no need to reply back to me.

Your opinion is yours and that's fine, just delete it.

*******************************
A lot of Americans have become so insulated from reality that they imagine that America can suffer
defeat without any inconvenience to themselves.
Pause a moment, reflect back.

These events are actual events from history..

They really happened!!!

Do you remember?

1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killedby a Muslim male extremist.

2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by Muslim male extremists .

3. In 1979, the US Embassy in Iran was taken over by Muslim male extremists.

4. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by Muslim male extremists.

5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by Muslim male extremists. 5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by Muslim male extremists.

6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was Hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by Muslim male extremists.

7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens , and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by Muslim male extremists. ( remember the pilot of this flight was from Richmond , MO )

8. In 1988 , Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by Muslim male extremists.

9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by Muslim male extremists.

10. In 1998, the US Embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by Muslim male extremists.

11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take down the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killedby Muslim male extremists.

12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against Muslim male extremists.

13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl waskidnapped and murdered by-- you guessed it-- Muslim male extremists.

No, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people... Absolutely No Profiling!

They mus t conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winner and formerGovernor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim Males alone lest they be guilty of profiling.

According to The Book of Revelations:

The Anti-Christ will be a man, in his 40's, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal....the prophecy says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power, he will destroy everything.

And Now:
For the award winning Act of Stupidity Of all times the People of America want to elect, to the most Powerful position on the face ofthe Planet -- The Presidency of the United states of America .. A Male of Muslim descent who is the most extremely liberal Senator in Congress (in other words an extremist) and in his 40's.

Have the American People completely lost their Minds, or just their Power of Reason ??? I'm sorry but I refuse to take a chance on the 'unknown' candidate Obama...

Let's send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Aldreds and other stupid attorneys along with Federal Justices that want to thwart common sense, feel ashamed of themselves -- if they have any such sense.

As the writer of the award winning story 'Forest Gump' so aptly put it,

'Stupid Is As Stupid Does'

Each opportunity that you have to send it to a friend or media outlet...do it!

Or again. Just delete if you disagree.

The following is the first reply sent to the entire list:

I just have to say that I think it nearly impossible for 1 man to take down America on his own, without everyone in the armed forces, alone, behind him. I find that an unfounded fear and prefer the devil I don't know to the devil we already know. As is said here: 'stupid is as stupid does' can be aptly applied to the past 8 years - the proof is in the pudding. The results have been to enrich the corporations and wealthy with deregulation - it's been a field day for those in the financial industry...

Don't get me wrong - the pendulum always has to swing too far back before it rests - I think it is pure idiocy when it comes to "racial profiling" - of course we need to protect ourselves - but that's part of America, too, protecting our rights.

As is so aptly put by a PHD:

when did america become so selfish? i better stop before i go into to
much of a rant, but i know a few things:
1) many republican ads are lies...we have one here about
anti-stem cell research that they have admitted is a lie, but have not
pulled the ads
2) the republicans are so vacant of ideas, all they can do is
attack...unfortunately it works...
3) palin is not ready to be president, and only she thinks she
is...she needs a brush up on 5th grade u.s. history and the
constitution,,,god help us...everyone says she did fine b/c she didn't
screw up...oh yea, that's great now all it takes to be pres, material
is to not screw up...
4) have you read mccain's economic plan which gives the grasshoppers
more b/c they'll spend it on the ants...the trickle down theory has
long been debunked.
5) the word maverick comes from a progressive texas family who
partiarch refused to brand his cattle...and who living members today
are members of the san antonio aclu...neither mccain nor palin are
mavericks, and if you don't believe me, read the article in the times hat quotes one of the family members (now in her 80's) about how
appalled she is that mccain brands himself that...and as history
shows, mavericks don't brand.

i'll take my chances with tanks in the streets b/c i don't believe the
right wing kooks who have hyjacked the america i grew up in that gave
us those liberal ideas like: social security, medicare, unemployment
insurance, clean water and air, tva, real emergency assistance, public
education, child labor laws, no smoking restaurants, consumer
protection, and the list goes on...oh by the way, someone should tell
the kooks that democracy is actually a liberal form of gov't, but
maybe they know that b/c they're the ones trying to take it away: voter
fraud excuses to deny voting rights to people, eaves dropping in
america,

get gov't off our backs, let's start with the bailout of wall street,
aig and us car companies...totaling about 1 trillion dollars, but
heavens if we spend half that to make sure everyone can see a doctor
like every other civilized nation...get gov't off out backs, unless it's to tell women what they can and cannot do with their bodies...get
gov't off our backs, but don't take away our police, our fire
protection, our roads, our judicial system, our sewage and water
systems, our interstate commerce, and the list goes on.

Here is a reply to the rebuttal:

Obama is the next Hilter

Her reply: DO YOU MEAN ADOLPH HITLER!!!!? I DOUBT THAT

What the hell??? Even my e-mail isn't safe from all the mudslinging!! It's craziness I tell you...absolute madness!!!

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1.02.05

Collage Alert!

Hold on to your hats!!

There's a new topic up on Collage, and this one's loaded with controversy.

Check it out...

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1.02.05

Thanks for being so sweet!

I'm sorry about my last little rampage.  I was just checking out Google Analytics and I saw that I have lots of people dropping by who don't leave a little note to say they were visiting!

I didn't have anyone particular in mind, I was just being silly!

It's pretty lame to beg for comments.  I'm ashamed of myself.  (Not really.)

The good news is, some nice folks, hockey moms, Joe six packs and the like came out of hiding to say hello!!!  Keep it coming.  I like meeting new blog friends.

And to prove I'm not a hypocrite, I'll be paying y'all a visit real soon.  Just as soon as I do all the things I'm supposed to be doing! 

Time to put away the groceries.  Thanks for listening to this lonely housewife.  

Hugs and kisses-

Hey you!!!

Yeah, you know who you are. I KNOW you're reading my blog...so why don't you come out of hiding and leave a comment?

This is a GIVE AND TAKE relationship. And you've been doing all the taking.

Peace out.

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1.02.05

A lesson in biology...

My daughter cheered at a Pop Warner football game last night, and I overheard this conversation as I passed a group of children hanging out near the bleachers.


7 year old boy yelling at 9 year old girl: (ANGRY)

I'll kick you in your balls!!!

9 year old girl: (Very calm)

First of all they're not called balls, they're called testicles. Second of all, I'm a girl, I don't have testicles.

Pause...


7 year old boy: (VERY, VERY ANGRY)

THAN... I'LL... KICK YOU IN YOUR VAGINA!!!!



At this point the boy's father heard his son's tirade and dragged the highly agitated lad away for a stern lecture on how to treat a lady.

The 9 year old girl and her posse looked quite pleased with themselves. I'm wondering what they said to him to get him so fired up!



Just another night of good, clean, family fun, here in the great Garden State.

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1.02.05

Get a room!

As you know, Brad and I went on a romantic getaway to the Catskills.  One night when we went out to dinner we were treated to some entertainment with our meal.  A couple about our age were seated at the bar watching the football game and practically having sex right on their bar stools.

I immediately thought to myself, "there's no way they're married, at least not to each other!"

Yeah I know, pessimistic of me, but most married people I know don't hang out at a bar on a Monday night swigging down wine and making out.  As much as my husband would love to do that, it just doesn't happen.

Anyway, I was really intrigued by the whole show.  She was biting his ear, rubbing her butt against his crotch, laughing really loud at everything he said and throwing her head back like she was in ecstasy whenever he amused her. 

Suddenly I realized, my poor husband, I should give him some attention.

So I slid over in the booth and practically sat in his lap, I bit his ear and kissed his neck.  I was trying to be funny, but guess what?  He loved every minute of it!

  

Luckily we were far from home and no one knew us!  God forbid one of my daughter's teachers or a friend of my parents saw out little display, they would have been completely flipped out.

Thankfully our meals arrived quickly so I could scoot back over to my side of the booth and regain my dignity.  As much as I love my husband, I'm just not into having sex with him in the middle of a crowded restaurant.  (Sorry honey!)

As we left the restaurant I caught the man's eye as he stuck his tongue in his mistress's ear and gave him a little thumbs up.  (A real one, not the kind I got from the Reckless Worshipper.)

I don't know what is getting into me lately.  Pray for me.  One of these days I might mess with the wrong person, and then I'll be blogging with a black eye and broken fingers.  This is Jersey after all, and paybacks are a bitch.

Show me your ugly side!

I love all the feedback I got on my citizen's arrest the other day. I think I need to get fiesty more often! It makes my blogging so much more interesting. Maybe I'll get into a fight everyday and write about it. I should even video tape my encounters and post them. How fun would that be? I would have to rename my blog "Don't mess with the Jillster."

But since I'm all into my books on Buddhism, I'm going to practice non-violence. It's not as entertaining, but I have responsibilities and I don't want to humiliate my family or end up in jail. I love getting attention, but it's not worth it. Sorry ladies.

Since I'm all fired up from my encounter with "The Christian Joan Rivers" I've decided to post a new topic on Collage. And that topic is...(drum roll please) WHAT PISSES YOU OFF?

It seems we have alot of angry people out there. There's some major league venting going on...check it out!

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1.02.05

The Reckless Worshipper

We're back from our romantic getaway.  It was really fun, and maybe, if I feel like it, I'll tell you some of the details.

But first, I have to tell you about this absolute IDIOT I came across this morning.

My mother and I were in the car and the road we were driving on merged from two lanes into one.  As I was merging from the right lane I saw a bicyclist riding in front of me.  (He was also merging.)  As I went to move into the single lane a woman in an Audi convertible comes ZOOMING up behind me.  She gets right on my tail and starts pushing me towards the right, nearly running me off the road and into the man on his bicycle.  She speeds past me and flips me the bird.  

Needless to say I was pissed.  Normally I would be annoyed and let it go, but this time I decided to teach this bitch a lesson.  Why this time?  Because right now I am highly sensitive to the safety of people on bikes.

1.  A friend of the family was involved in a serious bike accident in August.  Apparently a woman was in a rush and turned right in front of his bike.  His bike hit her car and he severed his spinal cord.  Because someone was in a big rush, he is paralyzed from the waist down.  This man has two young daughters and is now in a rehab center trying to piece his life back together. It didn't have to happen.

2.  Two weeks ago, my daughters and I saw a teenage boy who was hit by a car on his bike.  I can't even begin to describe what we saw.  It was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.  I called the emergency room to ask whether or not he survived, they couldn't tell me.  Based on what I saw,  I have a feeling he didn't make it.

Okay, so now you know why I was really pissed.  I decided to follow her to her destination and give her a little lesson in driver's ed.  It was hard to keep up with her, she was speeding down the road going about 55 in a 40 mph zone.  I prayed a cop would pull her over...no such luck.

Finally she turned into a church parking lot.  The same church I go to when I get motivated to get up early on Sunday!

I pulled up next to her hot little car and let me tell you, this chick was a real MONET.  From far away, she looked pretty good, long blond hair, expensive sunglasses, nice jewelry, up close she was scary.  She was about 60 years old and it looked like she had gone under the knife one too many times.

I rolled down my window and addressed her..."You were on your way to CHURCH when you gave me the finger!!!???  I asked.  "I didn't' give you the finger," she replied, "I gave you the thumbs up!"  Hmm, I must need to get my eyes examined, and my mother too.  It appeared to us that it was not her thumb that was sticking up, but I've been wrong before.  Let's assume it was indeed her thumb.

"Do you always give people the thumbs up when you cut them off? You almost ran me off the road!  Did you see the man on the bicycle?  I could have hit him!"  I continued.  She wasn't backing down, "You need to go the speed limit!"  (Apparently it's her job to teach people a lesson if they aren't driving at least 10 mph over the speed limit.)

At this point I decided to get official, "I go to this church ma'am...what is your name?"  This really sent her over the edge, "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!"  She bellowed.

This was going nowhere fast.  My parting words..."You'd better slow down before you kill someone, oh and by the way, don't get anymore face lifts!"

I think I got my point across.  Maybe I'll go to church this Sunday and sit next to her during services.  When it comes time to give each other the sign of peace I'll give her the thumbs up, just like she gave me.