I'm jumpin' on the bandwagon here...

What is the dealio with the pictures of Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus? Can you IMAGINE hanging on your dad like that when you were 15? I saw some video of the shoot and he was nuzzling her hair and kissing her head the whole time. I know there is nothing going on between them, but HELLO? Those photos are pretty freaky. Are you with me here?

Her Mom defended the photos saying Miley is all about purity and saving yourself for marriage. I guess that means she won't be following in her parents' footsteps. If you read People magazine, then I'm sure you are well read on Tish's and Billy Ray's escapades in their younger years. Can you say DNA test?

Soft, Cuddly and Highly Contagious!

On a recent trip to our local drugstore my daughters and I discovered yet another example of what a sick mind and some marketing prowess can come up with...Giant Microbes Plush Toys! Here's the quote from their website:

We make stuffed animals that look like tiny microbes—only a million times actual size! Now available: The Common Cold, The Flu, Sore Throat, Stomach Ache, Cough, Ear Ache, Bad Breath, Kissing Disease, Athlete's Foot, Ulcer, Martian Life, Beer & Bread, Black Death, Ebola, Flesh Eating, Sleeping Sickness, Dust Mite, Bed Bug, and Bookworm (and in our Professional line: H.I.V. and Hepatitis).

Each 5-to-7 inch doll is accompanied by an image of the real microbe it represents, as well as information about the microbe.

They make great learning tools for parents and educators, as well as amusing gifts for anyone with a sense of humor!

My favorite (and the one that made my skin crawl is the louse or common head lice....ewww) Anyone who has been fortunate enough to have tangled with these little suckers will appreciate how realistic these little suckers are!)

The most popular series among the college crowd is:

Here is our little friend...Chlamydia

Say hello to Herpes Simplex Virus 2!


















Let's have a round of applause for Gonorrhea (affectionately known as "The Clap")




















Who knew STDs could be so DANG cute!!

My First Haiku Friday (On Saturday...how typical!)

Road Trip Rest Stop

Bladder full legs crossed
Exit, park, RUN!!! Damn...long line
Open door, gag...squat

Don't touch!!! Wash your hands!
Cinnabon, Sbarro's, Starbuck's
Five dollar latte

Buckle, merge, cruise
Mmmmm caffeine yummy
Bladder full legs crossed

Repeat for 200 miles

Tagged by the Tarnished Tiara!!!

5 Random Things About Me:

1. I love drinking milk. I could drink a gallon a day...but I don't want to weigh 200 lbs.

2. My hair, nails and cuticles grow REALLY fast. I should get my hair cut/colored once a month (or more) and I SHOULD shave my legs every day.

3. I love talk radio and news radio...Dr. Joy Browne, Bill O'Reilly, NPR, 1010 WINS in NY...everything except call in sports shows.

4. I cannot believe I'm over 40 and really need to embrace my age. Every time a young adult calls me ma'am I cringe...even though I know they are being polite. (TOTALLY a topic for a post.)

5. I completely try to convince myself when I play tennis that it's all about having fun...but I love to WIN!!! (I do hide how glad I am when I win...I hate when people jump up and down like they won the Miss America pageant when they win a USTA match...I find that really embarrassing!)

If you haven't already done this...go for it! (Make sure you tell me when you do...)

The Real Me...

I want to put your minds at ease. I am NOT a 500 lb. pervert....

As a matter of fact, I didn't mention it earlier, but I'm in Maryland babysitting my sister's children while she's in St. Lucia with her husband. I can assure you, my sister would not let a 500 lb. perverted man babysit for her kids. (Or a 200 lb one for that matter!)

We're having alot of fun. My parents are here, and my other sister lives a half hour away, so all the cousins get to hang out.

I got my nephew in trouble yesterday, because I went on my Facebook page with my sister to look at his prom pictures and there was a message that my nephew was participating in "Act Sexually Inappropriate Day" or something like that. (My nephew is 17.) It was just a joke, but my sister was livid...(sorry Jake.)

My sister is constantly monitoring her teenaged children's text messages and e-mails. Her kids know that at any moment she could grab their phones, or jump on their computers and see what they're up to. Does it stop them from cursing, or complaining about their parents to their friends...not really, but it does get them into hot water from time to time...my sister is TOUGH...if (and when) her kids step out of line WATCH OUT.

Speaking of teenagers...I finally saw some of the YouTube video of the teenaged girls beating up their "friend." (It was on Greta Van Susteran last night.) That was really disturbing. I felt physically ill watching it.

I am going to cherish these days...while my daughters are 4 and 8, and I know where they are every minute of the day.

I know that the toughest days as a parent are yet to come...

I can see through my sister that the teenage years bring so many challenges and blessings!

The fun of sports, proms, parties and college tours is mixed in with the drama of curfews, gossip, alcohol and student loans. It makes the sleepless nights of nursing and diaper changes look like a walk in the park!

"Small children disturb your sleep, big children, your life."

-Yiddish Proverb

Footnote: If any of you are on Facebook and want to be on my friend's list, e-mail me at jillyou@comcast.net and let me know your name...I only have about 5 Facebook friends right now, and most of them are under the age of 18!

Alias...

Do you find that it's so much easier to be charming while blogging than in real life? No worries about bad breath, eye contact or laughing at bad jokes.

You should see me right now...I'm wearing ratty underwear, I have a huge zit and I'm picking my nose...okay I'm not really picking my nose-but I could be and you'd never know... kind of like when you're talking on the phone with a friend and then you hear the toilet flush in the background...ewwww.. And you thought I was a nice suburban housewife and mom...with manners!!!

Maybe I'm pulling a MySpace on you and I'm really a a 500 lb. perverted man who's turned on by rapping with the ladies about coupons and Target!

I assure you I'm not. I'll be meeting Lunanik within the next few weeks-and she can vouch that I am indeed female, with children, that I DO drive a minivan. (And probably that I have a huge zit!)

I wonder is there are any weirdo bloggers out there who assume a false identity or persona-just for kicks? Food for thought.

Thankfully I've been married 10 years, so I never had to "internet date." But my friends who have had horror stories about meeting up with dudes who had really attractive pictures on their profiles and turned up butt ugly when they met for their date.

Is this post random or what?

Okay, it's time for my point. My point is...those of you who read my blog have never met me. You like my blog persona. Some of you are GOING to meet me...and it will be strange to finally chat face to face. It'll be like a blind date!! I hope I don't disappoint...

I've hit rock bottom...

Indeed I have. I feel like my blogging well has run dry, and I've resorted to writing about some pretty mundane topics-such as coupon clipping, television shows and my latest hair care discoveries!

As they say in AA (no I haven't been to any meetings-I just SHOULD HAVE when I was in college) realizing you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

So, I promise you in the upcoming weeks I'll provide you with some juicy topics. (Even if I have to make something up!)

Lotions and Potions (CHEAP!)

Do you remember the good old days back in high school and junior high, when it would take over an hour in the morning to get ready for school? My bathroom vanity was filled with hair sprays and curling irons, pimple creams, perfumes and makeup. (I was one of three girls-so our bathroom looked like a drugstore!)

Thanks to Nikki at Secrets of a Black Heart, those days are back! She turned me on the the Extra Care Card at CVS, and I've gone hog wild. In the past few weeks I have acquired a huge variety of beauty products-CHEAP. Nexxus, Biore, Neutrogena, John Frieda... I've got a vanity chock full of intensive anti-wrinkle serums, warming cream cleansers, hair color glazes-you name it!

I have to admit-I was not huge on products for my hair. Now that I'm making the transition from short and orange to my goal of shoulder length-with gorgeous highlights, all my new purchases have made a huge difference in the way my hair looks.

I was never into coupons either. I thought they a huge pain in the butt. All that has changed (for the time being-I have a VERY short attention span!) I'm loving getting all kinds of goodies-PRACTICALLY FREE. It's like a new hobby-so much fun!

If you don't have the CVS card-get it! You'll get to try out all these fun products for almost no money. Each week when I get my flyer it's like a little game of strategy to get the most swag for the least amount of cash.

Through Nikki-I've discovered an entire subculture. I never knew there were so many websites and blogs dedicated to saving big bucks on the products we use everyday.

Money Saving Mom is one of the better coupon blogs...she has all kinds of schemes to save you money!

So here's the point of this post:

#1 Are you into creams ,elixirs and all the potions on the market that promise to make our hair silky smooth and our faces wrinkle free? Any favorites?

I am LOVING the Nexxus Sleek Memory Straightening Smoothing Spray. It smells amazing and my hair looks really shiny after I use it.

#2 How about coupons and sales? Are you a money saving maven? If so, let us in on your secrets!

We all scream (and whine and beg ) for ice cream!!!!

It's that time of year again here in Jersey...the time when your family is doing homework, or sitting down for dinner, when suddenly, you hear that familiar, satanic tune, followed by the screaming and panicking of little children. No, it's not a horror movie-it's my favorite pain in the ass...THE ICE CREAM MAN! (Or in our case-the ice cream LADY!)

We have a very persistent ice cream lady. She comes down our street at about 5:30 every evening and hovers around our block for about a half hour. If I say no to an ice cream, she keeps playing that horrible tune, over and over, while my kids whine and beg, and run around like chickens searching for loose change. I've got to give her credit...because while she is patiently driving up and down the street playing her hypnotic little ditty, my children, and all the children on our street, are slowly and methodically wearing their parents down. Sometimes I crack, sometimes not...but she doesn't make it easy.

Which reminds me... When I was a kid, in about 2nd or 3rd grade, we had an ice cream man in our neighborhood who was VERY FRIENDLY. Every day, my sister and I would run around the corner when my mom wasn't looking and climb in the truck with this dude. We would then proceed to drive all over town, waiting on our friends. After an hour or so we would get dropped off back around the corner. Mom never found out.

As an adult I am so horrified by this story. This was back in the day when kids just went out in the neighborhood to play until mom called them for dinner. Thankfully, this guy was just lonely, and he never tried anything. But he certainly could have...he had us alone in his ice cream truck!!! We were very lucky...and yes, we had a good mom who warned us about strangers. We just couldn't resist being so damn cool riding around in The Good Humor truck without a care in the world.

In hindsight, I can't believe none of our neighbors called my mom to tell on us!! Thirty five years later my sister and I are alive and well, and not nearly as enamored as we once were with that little white truck, chock full of frozen goodies. (Although you should have seen me when I was pregnant, I would waddle my big fat pregnant body down the street like nobody's business to beat all the neighborhood kids to the front of the line!!! But that's a whole nother post!)

Real Housewives of EVERYWHERE!

First of all I have some newsflashes. "Real Housewives of NYC" as well as O.C. are both returning. I am very happy to hear that-since as you know, I am sadly intrigued by both these shows! But that's not all...have you heard about the LATEST Housewives show? Get this..."The Real Housewives of New Jersey!" They didn't even ask me to be on it! WTF? The show focuses on....and I quote..."five wealthy "McMansion"-living suburbanites who navigate the chilly ennui of leaves falling from the trees every autumn and the first blush of crocuses in the springtime." Or something like that...You KNOW I'll be watching that one. Yippee!!!

I finally got to watch the final episode of "Real Housewives of NYC." I haven't commented on the show for quite awhile, so I'll give a general overview.

I've got to start with Alex and Simon. There is something seriously off with these two. Where the hell are their priorities? They buy $5,000 dresses-but their house is trashed. Their sons speak 4 languages...but they SHRIEK at social events and are allowed to stab other people's dinners with their toys! Oh and by the way...there are nude photos of Alex circulating on the web. Just do a Google search for Alex McCord nude and you can see them.

You know what...I'll give you the PG rated version with the boobies crossed out. If you want the rated R version you're going to have to do a little work.


I've never seen two people so desperate to be famous, no matter what the cost.

Next up, my favorite......LuAnn the Countess. Most people don't seem to like her. I've heard comments that she is a fake byotch and that she would crush ANYONE who gets in her way...maybe I'm a bad judge of character because I kind of like her! She seems to have a good sense of humor (except when it comes to "the help" calling her by her first name!) I love her clothes, her house her children. I love it all. I think I want to BE LuAnn! I was very touched by the scene where she helped the woman recovering from drug addiction with her interviewing skills. She seems like a genuinely caring person. (At least when the cameras are rolling!) It was a bit surprising to discover that her husband is on marriage #4. He must be a handful, but it seems she can handle it!

Bethenny...is a piece of work too. So strange the whole thing with her parents. (I'll have to do some research on that subject!) She is very intelligent and quick witted, but boy does she drink too much. She MUST have been wasted at her birthday dinner when she told Jill if she spoke one more word about material goods she was going to "f-cking stab her in the eye with a skewer!" Whoa. Rumor has it that her boyfriend Jason lost his job because he appeared on "that tawdry show" although the spokesperson for his firm said he wasn't performing up to expectations. Who knows?

Jill certainly gets alot of screen time! She seems to be involved with everyone! (Bethenny takes second place in that department!) I got a kick out of the scene where Brad and Jill harassed Allison when she was attempting to answer the phone's at Bobby's Showroom. That was pretty damn funny. The thing I love best about Jill is how she constantly says she thinks it's tacky to talk about money-and then proceeds to talk about clothes, jewelry, vacations, private schools, decorators and swanky restaurants...HELLO???!!! Do you hear yourself?

I guess they ran out of Ramona footage for the finale, because they rehashed the scene where she and her friend get beauty treatments at her friend the plastic surgeon's office. I can't believe she came waltzing in to the final dinner party an hour late because she was busy having her hair and makeup professionally done. Once again, where are the priorities? Her husband Mario's veins were popping out of his head when they arrived, he looked sooo uncomfortable! She was cracking me up when Simon and Alex's kids were getting out of control...the look on her face was priceless.

It looks like next week Jill goes off on Ramona and calls her an idiot during the "Real Housewives Reunion" interview. Oy vey!

So ladies, let's dish. What did you think of the finale? Who's your favorite housewife? Did you check out the nude photos of Alex? Inquiring minds with too much time on their hands want to know!!!

Later tonight...I'm watching my recording of the season premiere of "Workout." (Another Bravo show that I love.) Any other "Workout" fans out there?

WIRED

I am so proud of myself. I stuck to my guns yesterday. My daughter stayed in bed until 3 o'clock...when school ended. At 3:05 precisely I sprung her from her cell. What a difference this morning. She made a full transformation from a complete wreck to an absolute delight. She really is a chip off the old block. Without sleep, she does not function.

I spent the day diligently working doing all the yucky boring stuff I've been avoiding. YAY ME!

Some of you might be thinking-so what? What's the big deal. TRUST ME, it is a big deal for me. I am very good an getting in the car (okay minivan-whatever) and running around town getting things done. When it comes to staying in the house and puttering away at the minuscule little things that add up to a disaster when avoided, I stink.

I rewarded myself by watching an entire episode of "The Tudors" uninterrupted. Sort of. I can never truly watch anything for an hour, thank goodness for On Demand..so I can hit pause when someone needs me to wipe their butt or cut up an apple. My husband really should learn to use a knife! :)

Which leads me to another subject. My new obsession... I am really getting into this whole King Henry the Eighth thing and I need to discuss it! Later on I want to chat about "The Tudors," "The Other Boleyn Girl" (book as well as movie), Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Natalie Portman...all of it!

Oh and one final thing...(can you tell I've already had 2 cups of coffee and a Diet Coke this morning?) Tonight is the finale of "The Real Housewives of NYC!" Don't miss it...I'm sure there will be lots to talk about tomorrow.

Enough babbling. Gotta get my cute little 4 year old to school, then it's off to the elementary school to staple artwork. The art show is in one month...NEED MORE CAFFEINE!!!!

No good deed goes unpunished...

I am seriously embarrassed posting this...but I wanted to give some of you a chance to say "I told you so!!"

As you probably recall, on Friday I had a quandary. (Check out my post from 4/11 if you aren't up to speed on my exciting life.) My 8 year old daughter had a jam packed weekend. I feared it might be too much for her, but I wanted her to be in on all the action, so I let her stay out until 10:30 on Friday and have a sleepover on Saturday.

Many of you advised me not to let her overdo it. I didn't listen. Well, here it is Monday morning and she woke up this morning EXHAUSTED. Crying, complaining of a sore throat and a tummy ache. It's 10:30 and she's asleep upstairs in bed.

I had a full day planned including 2 hours of tennis. I was REALLY looking forward to it. I just had to call the club and tell them I won't be there. When will I learn?

Who's being punished for my daughter's fabulous weekend? ME. And trust me, when hubby catches wind that she's home today, I'll be in hot water with him. WAAAAAH!!! (That's me crying.)

Since I'll be home all day I'm sure you'll advise me to get the house clean, pay some bills, maybe do a little weeding in the backyard. A mature woman would take advantage of a forced day at home to get caught up on all the day to day chores that need tending to. So that's what I'm going to do...pretend I'm a mature woman and do all the dirty deeds that need to be done. And believe you me, I will be highly annoyed the entire time I'm doing it.

The only bright side is, if I accomplish my goals, my husband will be THRILLED when he gets home from work. The key to his happiness is a clean organized house, dinner on the table and sex every night. (Boy did he marry the wrong girl!)

Next time you smart people give me advise-I promise I'll listen!

Gotta run, younger daughter just informed me that Meg is awake, and seems to be feeling better. SURPRISE SURPRISE!!! She'll probably want to get up and watch TV, maybe play on the computer for awhile. NO DEAL. This child is going to stay in bed all day. She is sick after all!!! And when you're sick you stay in bed-am I right???

Happy Monday.

Scrolling Sunday.

I am fresh out of subjects to write about...so here is a post from way back in '07...

If my either of my daughters ever dates a guy who wears one of these t-shirts...

SHOOT ME!!!

Footnote: I absolutely think these t-shirts are funny (except the CAT one-that's a little sick.) I have a pretty immature sense of humor...BUT...if some dude picked one of my daughters up for a date wearing one of these-I might get a little bit worried. Especially since my girls are only 8 and 4-they have to wait until they're 30 to date... :)

Quite a Quandary

I have a bit of a dilemma. In ten minutes my third grade daughter returns from a play date. In two hours our middle school's talent show begins. I told her we'd go.

I was just informed by my neighbor, that the show runs approximately 2 hours and 45 minutes. That's 2 hours and 45 minutes of lip synching, dance routines performed and choreographed by 4th graders and drum solos by 8th grade boys.

Her best friend's mom called two hours ago to see if Meg would like to sleep over tomorrow night. This means we have one night that she won't get in bed before 11 and another where she'll probably stay up until midnight. Sh---t!

I REALLY want to bag out of the talent show. If I do, my child will be very upset. Oh the things we mothers have to go through!!!!

My choice. Suck it up, go to the show. suffer through it and have two exhausted children. (There is no way my 4 year old will stand for staying home!)

Or, tell her to choose between the sleepover or the show...she'll be mad, but life is all about making tough choices, is it not?

These are the executive decisions I, as head of household Monday through Friday, get to make. Either way, it's not going to be pretty.

Happy Friday!

Update: We went to the talent show (AND she's doing the sleepover.) Yes-I know-I'm a sucker. But I told her all week we'd go, and some of her friends were in it. So we went.

It was everything I had heard...and worse. I ended up seated in the 8th grade section, with about 50 obnoxious 13 year olds. I got hit in the face with a t-shirt when the drummer in a band ran down to our section , whipped off his shirt and threw it to the audience...I guess this guy was considered pretty hot because I almost got stuck in a pile of teenage girls fighting over the shirt after it bounced off my face. It was loud as hell and it went for almost 3 hours.

The fun part was that all the parents had the same pained looks on their faces. There's always a sense of camaraderie and community when we band together to suffer as a group.

Next year my daughter gets to be IN the show...I can't wait.

A final note: To those of you wondering how they could have a "talent show" (and I use that term loosely) that lasts almost three hours...here's how. There are 500 children in the school. ANYONE who wants to perform is in...NO CUTS. There were 40 acts and an emcee that loved to hear his own voice and jokes in between acts. That adds up to one LONG ASS SHOW.

Vocational Counseling

My youngest daughter goes to Kindergarten in September and my husband is already fantasizing about what kind of job I'll get when she's in school. (After all, he can't have me at home slacking during the six hours that my children are otherwise occupied.) He has suggested to me several times that I get my teaching certificate...which always makes me laugh. I truly wonder if he has ever watched me while I help my third grader with her homework. I have about as much patience as a prison guard. I love children, but I don't think I'm cut out for spending six hours a day with 20 of them!

I've got five months to come up with a way to contribute financially to this family. I've been out of the job market for 9 years, and when I was in it I was not exactly bringing in six figures. I always gravitated towards low paying jobs in the entertainment field (which many nights required me to work until midnight.) Not an option anymore for this suburban mom.

So, for the next five months I'll enjoy my "life of leisure" as a laundress, housekeeper, cook, child psychologist, babysitter, dog walker, gardener, chauffeur, tennis player and Art Show Chairwoman.

In the meantime, if you hear of any high paying jobs in Central Jersey that would allow me to work from 9:30-2:30, (September through June, with days off for school vacations) wear jeans, and not have to sit behind a desk, leave a comment.

My husband would love to hear from you!!!

I'm back and I'm FREEZING!!

Vacation is over and it's back to reality. I don't have time to chat, but I DO have one observation... The folks down south have the right idea! It felt sooo good to be warm! It was like heaven to walk out on the patio in the morning in shorts and bare feet.

Oh well. I'm back in my flannel pjs and sporting a pair of Uggs. Hopefully this chilly weather won't last too long...I'm ready for Summer!!!

T.T.F.N.-(Ta Ta For Now!)

I'm packed, and spray-tanned, my fingernails and toenails are all cleaned and polished and we're off to Florida...we'll be back Tuesday night.

I am really happy that we're going to get a chance to see my parents. I miss them so much! They used to live 5 minutes away and they moved to Florida two years ago...I can't stand it!!

They're happy, so I'm happy. (Except when I shell out $12 an hour for a babysitter-JUST KIDDING MOM!)

No Disney this time, (thank god) just lots of swimming, golf and tennis, a trip to Sea World and one night of alone time for me and my husband. (We're heading to Clearwater Beach to stay in a hotel Saturday night.) Who knows, if he plays his cards right he just MIGHT get lucky!! (Probably not actually, my period is due on Friday...DAMN! Isn't 30 years of this nonsense enough!!?)

Anyway, catch you later...I'll send Shamu your regards.

Question...

How much sleep do you need?

Not how much do you get, how much do you NEED to feel good?

I hate to admit this, but I think I need about 9 hours a day to feel good. I NEVER get 9 hours of straight, uninterrupted sleep, but it seems 9 hours total is my prescription for feeling energized.

My husband probably gets about 6 hours per night, (if he's lucky, he gets up REALLY early). He sleeps soundly that entire 6 hours. (I know because I see him sawing logs while I'm up dealing with nightmares, or bathroom emergencies at 2 am!)

Lately I go to bed at about 10:30 and get up at 7:30. (With one or two wake ups per night.)

How about you?

(I just had a flashback to the newborn years, nursing every two hours, no sleep...oh the HORRORS!) But those little infants are so dang cute!!

Operation Florida...

48 hours and counting until my family and I lift off for the Sunshine State. (Did I mention we're going to Florida for five days?) We are going to visit my parents in a large retirement community outside of Orlando.

Once we get there I'm sure it will be a fun and relaxing visit. It's the preparations that are KILLING me!

My mission: to get two adults, two children, two dogs and one cat prepared for the upcoming journey.

So much to do and so little time!!

My solution? Avoid packing and start blogging!

Thus far I've managed to get my dogs their shots for boarding. (Which set me back $600!) The girls are all set with lots of cute summer clothes and bathing suits. (Not an easy feat, little girl is HIGHLY sensitive to wedgies and itchy tags which makes finding clothes she will wear nearly impossible.)

Now all I need to do is:

1. Stop mail
2. bring dogs to kennel
3. get summer clothes for me and hubby out of the basement
   
4. pack (for EVERYONE hubby has business obligations the next two nights)
5. get manicure, pedicure and spray tan (mommys got to look foxy!)
6. complete every other day to day task a mom must do including chauffeuring, cooking, cleaning, laundry, school volunteering, paying bills...need I say more?

My reward for all this hard work? In 72 hours I will be sitting next to a pool with my husband, and parents, watching my children frolic in the pool and soaking in the warm Florida sun.

Until then I'll be clutching a to-do list in one hand and a huge cup of joe in the other. (I'll be steering the car with my teeth!)

Catch you later!

“A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest,

accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it.”

-Marcelene Cox