Raising the bar...

Okay, you're right. Blogging about my colon is in poor taste.

I'm trying to come out of the closet with this blog and there are so many off limit topics. I can't bust on tennis people, or neighbors, members of the PTO or my relatives...when I start talking politics everyone gets fired up. I know you're tired of hearing about my puppy, or how much I love Diet Coke. If I were dating me, I'd dump me! (There I go again, talking about "dumping!")

Someone told me that writing about not being able to write is lame. But that doesn't stop me.

I'm clearly I'm out of good blogging ideas.

I need something that can't get me into trouble with ANYONE.

How does one go about creating an interesting blog without trashing anyone, using potty talk or revealing embarrassing family secrets?

Help me out here people! Give me some suggestions for topics. I'll take anything you've got!!!

Enough with the poopy talk!

I know I've hit rock bottom, I've resorted to talking about the lowest common denominator...isn't that what 3 year olds do?? As my husband stated, since I have 2 children, 3 dogs and a cat, excrement is a very big part of my life, but that doesn't mean you need to keep hearing about it.

Let's move onto something a bit more pleasant...

Yesterday I was thrilled and honored to get a SWEET award from my buddy Stacey over at The Life of Sass.

Every Friday she writes about her favorite blogs, and this week she picked me!!!

Is that cool or what?

If you want to check out a blog written by an extremely clever, hip young mom, head on over the The Life of Sass. She has my blog beat by a mile!

I'm flattered that you thought of me...

I received a rather unappealing invitation from my sister today. She asked me to participate in a MASTER CLEANSE with her.

Apparently I drink the following drink.

* 2 Tablespoons of organic lemon juice

* 2 Tablespoons of organic grade B maple syrup

* 1/10 Teaspoon ground cayenne pepper

* 10 oz of filtered water

6-12 servings a day every day for 10 days.

The diet promises to:

• You'll normalize your appetite and metabolism so your body can comfortably adjust to it's ideal weight for your size naturally
• Your suppressed hormone levels will be restored so every cell in your body will be charged with youth giving and feel good hormones
• There will be a natural shift away from unhealthy habits--without will power
• You'll cleanse and detox your entire body--the pounds of waste built up over the years will be released in just 10 days
• Reduced internal inflammation, which will ease aching joints
• Your energy levels will sore
• And much more...

Apparently there is all kinds of yucky stuff in my intestines, if you get grossed out easily, STOP READING.

• It's common to pass pounds of waste in just 10 days on the Master Cleanse, and not the normal kind of waste. It's often black as tar -- The hardened phlegm and mucus comes out like long chunks of rubber -- The waste comes out holding the shape of the inside of your intestine because it's been inside you for years.

  It's also common to pass marble sized gallstones which are green and yellow balls of hardened cholesterol that can block the bile ducts from the liver to the small intestine which can be fatal if you don't remove them.

  How can you live with all this sickening waste clogging up your body?

  I know it's gross, but as you unceremoniously expel this waste you'll feel absolutely amazing. Your body will hum with a lightness and renewed energy that you can't get from drugs, exercise, supplements, or any colon cleansing kit.

Hmmm. I like the idea of getting all the gross stuff that's spackled in my guts out, but this sounds extreme.

Have you ever heard of this? Have you ever done it? I don't think I'm capable.

Do I care? Do YOU care?

So, this Sunday is SUPERBOWL SUNDAY. Do I care? Not really. I was hoping for an Eagles-Ravens Superbowl. Since that didn't happen...I have no interest.

What I am interested in, however, is The Australian Open. Too interested. I've been up way too late the past few nights watching all the drama. I LOVE IT. Can you imagine playing singles in 130 degree heat?? I'd be dead after 3 games.

Saturday is the ladies final and Sunday is the men's finals. YAY!! So much fun.
Superbowl, who cares? Give me Serena, Venus, Roger and Andy any day of the week.

Except of course for the half time show with my buddy BRUCE!

Today was a snow day here in coastal Jersey. I stayed in all day, so I didn't have any opportunities to get into trouble. Life has been kind of boring lately.

Tomorrow is a brand new day. I'll be playing tennis, maybe I'll hit someone with the ball and get into a fight. One can only hope.

I'm at a loss...

Seriously, I've got nothing...except a couple of traffic gripes.

I do alot of local driving, so I've got a million of them.

Don't you love when you're poised to pull out into traffic and someone trying to be nice "waves you on?" So you decide rather than trust "the wave" you look both ways before proceeding. As you look you notice a large truck traveling at a high rate of speed barreling toward you. You glance back and the "nice person" gets annoyed. They're sign language reads..."I'm waving you on...GO!!!"

Thanks pal, but I think I'll wait another 5 seconds rather than GUN the minivan with my 2 precious daughters in the back seat, just because you're NICE enough to tell me to.

And don't get me started on tailgaters. Seriously, they should be drawn and quartered. When someone is driving 2 inches from my bumper, I take it down to one m.p.h. BELOW the speed limit and turn on my hazards. It not only infuriates the tailgater, it also serves to confuse the hell out of them.

Meanwhile some other Jersey blogger is writing something like this...

"Don't you hate when you're at an intersection and you try to be courteous, so you wave some middle aged chick in a minivan on. And then the stupid woman looks all worried and sees a truck coming, so she won't go!!! C'mon lady. Just do what I tell you! I'm being nice for god's sake!!!

Then later on you're in a rush to get to work and the same bimbo is driving down a residential street going like 3 m.p.h over the speed limit!! C'mon sister, I'm in a hurry here!! Speed up or I'll ride your ass... Then..the crazy woman SLOWS DOWN and flips on her hazards.WTF???!!! So now, I'm mad and confused. These women really need to learn how to drive."

Tomorrow I'll try to do something interesting. But I'm not making any promises.

25 Fascinating Facts about Moi

I was tagged on Facebook by my good bloggy friend Clemson Girl to write 25 things about me.
I figure if I'm going to do it I might as well get a blog post out of it.

Let's see if I'm up for this.

1. People tell me their secrets. I don't know what it is about me. For some reason my friends and acquaintances feel comfortable telling me things that others know nothing about. Maybe they don't care what I think. Or they think that whatever they've done, I've probably done something worse. Who know? I try very hard not to be judgemental. And to only give advice when asked.

2. I have two sisters who I love very much. We are so different, yet so much alike. We always have a great time when we're together and I am so thankful that we are so close.

3. I go through phases with my personal style. About 3 years ago I went through a preppy phase and now I have a closet full of Lilly stuff that I can't stand.

4. I have had more hair colors in my life than Lindsay Lohan. Some of the less desirable shades include bright red, fuchsia and green/grey. All results of very bad choices at the Rite-Aid.

5. I love my dogs but they make my life extremely chaotic. Every time the doorbell rings I have to run around trying to catch them and coral them into the back yard. It's kind of pathetic.

6. I have diagnosed myself with adult A.D.H.D.

7. If I didn't live in New Jersey, I would like to live in North or South Carolina, Northern California or of course Maryland, near my sisters. I love Vermont, but would have to head south from November until March.

8. I absolutely love Manhattan and if I had enough money I'd love to have a little apartment there.

9. I used to dream of being a writer for "Saturday Night Live" for a short time in my twenties I wrote and performed sketch comedy and improv and hung out with alot of stand up comics.

10. I used to do print ads and voice over work. I always played a young mom, nurse or yuppie.

11. I'm learning that I don't always have to give my opinion and that sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. (Although I still make some mistakes!!)

12. I have sick sense of humor and love movies like "Something About Mary," "Mean Girls," "Napoleon Dynamite," and "You, Me and Dupree."

13. I love talk radio. When I drive around I rarely listen to music and usually have the radio tuned to Dr. Joy Browne, Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity. (Yes, all you liberals out there...I LIKE conservative talk show hosts!!)

14. Some of my liberal friends tell me how surprised they are that I tend to vote Republican. I think I'm a disappointment to them. I have to explain that all Republicans are not greedy war obsessed fascists, who don't care about anyone but themselves. Luckily most of them respect my opinions, just as I respect theirs.

15. Some of my favorite treats are Swedish Fish, Starbucks Cinnamon Dulce Lattes, Herbal Tea and of course my major addiction, fountain Diet Coke.

16. I love spending time with people that I can debate with. I enjoy hearing others' opinions and discussing both sides of an issue. My husband is one of my favorite people to debate, although we usually agree on politics and religion.

17. I love Dr. Wayne Dyer and listen to his CDs all the time. Here are some of my favorite Dr. Wayne quotes...

"People who want the most approval get the least and people who need approval the least get the most."

"Simply put, you believer that things or people make you unhappy, but this is not accurate. You make yourself unhappy."

"Judgements prevent us from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances."

There are tons more, just go to his website...drwaynedyer.com

18. I can't stand the show "The View" I find it absolutely impossible to watch. What an annoying group of women. Yes, I can't even watch Elisabeth.

19. I hate to admit this...but I'm reading "Twilight" and finding it very slow. Am I the only one?

20. My favorite female tennis pro is Amelie Mauresmo, I also like Ana Ivanovic. My favorite male, Rafael Nadal although Federer's game is absolutely flawless..

21. When I'm bored I play with my hair. It drives my husband crazy. I told him I'll stop when he stops biting his nails.

22. I'm immature that way.

23. My girl's love the show iCarly. I can't stand it!! The acting stinks, it's not funny and they scream all the time. I very much prefer Hannah Montana. Jackson is so darn funny.

24. I love where I live. I've lived in this town for almost 12 years and I have never had the desire to move away. I love the river, the beaches, the schools and most of the people. I actually have nightmares about moving away.

25. I used to be a huge party animal and loved to go out at least 4 times a week. When I hit 30 I became a complete homebody and only go crazy once or twice a year at most.


If you feel at a loss for blogging material, please go ahead and do this. Let me know if you do, I want to know more about all of you!!!

Closing the can of worms...(for now)

The response to my last post gave me a little chuckle.  Bringing up the inauguration blew the condom issue right out of the water.  I have one more comment about the inauguration.

I thought Aretha was awesome.  The hat was a bit much, but her performance was very moving, in my humble opinion.

Now onto something all Americans agree is hilarious.  FACEINHOLE.COM

One of my buddies posted some on her Facebook page and it cracked me up!!

Here are some of my creations...

My first attempt was Elle Woods from Legally Blonde.  As you can see, I need some work on my cutting and pasting skills.

Oops!  I did it again...only this one looks pretty good!  My head on Brit's bod.  I likey!

Stay tuned for more.  

I love this stuff!!  If you do it, let me know.  I caution you.  This is yet another distraction from the things you are supposed to be doing.  

Don't say I didn't warn you.

The great "Calm Down" incident...

This guilt thing that I should be doing something "productive" is really getting in the way of my blogging. That and my newest addiction Facebook, which I'm getting over already. ( I told you I had a short attention span!)

Anyway, we were talking about how to handle a delicate situation with a 5th grader when we last met.

You all had some great perspectives on how you would address this matter.

Bottom line is my friend told her daughter that she was glad she came to her for information. She told her that she shouldn't be discussing stuff like that with her friend and that yes, sometimes moms and dads use something called birth control to prevent having a baby. She also told her she had never heard of a "calm down."

It ended there. (For now.)

I'm pretty open with my daughters when they have questions. As Zibbs said, I try to keep it pretty clinical, but I'm not going to freak out if they hear something at school. It would be naive to think that kids in 4th and 5th grade don't know at least something about sex.

I would much rather have my child be the one hearing stuff, than have her be the one telling My worst nightmare is getting a phone call from an irrate parent telling me that Meg gave her child a complete run down on "how babies are made." When I tell her things I ask her to keep it just between us. I'm sure she doesn't listen all the time.

I actually have a neighbor who called the elementary school principal to scream at him because her 6 year old daughter heard the word "vagina" from someone at school. She had never heard that word before at home! She told the principal that her son who is in 4th grade doesn't even know that word! I give the principal credit because he told her, "With all due respect ma'am. I'm sure your son does know that word, he just won't let you know that he does." HA!

I think parents have to face facts that kids are curious and they are going to ask questions. They are ALSO going to goof around and get silly about it sometimes. It's natural.

Alright, I'm done talking about that.

I think I'll open a can of worms. How 'bout that Inauguration? It's amazing what a production you can pull together with $150 million dollars.

The Obamas really know how to put on a show!!!

Now if I had that kind of dough, I might consider doing something a little more low key and take the rest of the loot and use it to help people who really need it. But hey, it's his money and if he wants to use it to throw a huge, ostentatious bash, who am I to tell him what to do with his money?

What would YOU do?

I debated putting this post up, because it's a bit inappropriate, but it's kind of funny. Unfortunately 5th graders talk about LOTS of stuff, whether we like it or not. Especially when they have older siblings.

A friend of mine's 10 year old daughter came home from school the other day and asked a very surprising question.

"Mom, Elizabeth told me that there is this thing that a dad puts on his you know what if he's going to have sex with the mom and they don't want to have a baby. It's called a "Calm Down."

Whoa! Talk about whisper down the lane!!

How would you handle this?

I'll tell you what my friend said in the next post.

I'm getting over it...

Okay, so maybe people are going to find out about my blog.

So what? I should be proud right?

Having a blog is a cool thing. (At least I think so.)

I only vent against those who deserve it, so if they read it and don't like it. F-em.

Let the chips fall where they may.

Alright, back to business.

Last year I did recaps of "The Real Housewives of Orange County."

Unfortunately I am unable to do an in-depth analysis of the show this year, but I DO feel compelled to comment on the last episode.

HOW ABOUT THAT GRETCHEN!!!? Gorgeous girl, no doubt, but I have NEVER seen such a gold digger in my life! Her fiance is nuts. Joan Rivers is right. Men and stupid and like big boobs. They will do anything for a hot piece of ass. There's your proof.

He doesn't even CARE that she is only in it for the money. So I guess it works out for everyone, except, of course, his five previous wives and their offspring.

Whatever!!!!

When worlds collide...

What happens when you join Facebook, amass a large group of friends from all phases of your life, and throw them all together to intermingle? High school friends, college friends. buddies from my acting days, relatives, tennis partners, members of the PTA...

I'll tell you what happens...WORLDS COLLIDE.

This morning my sister innocently called and asked how to post my blog link on her Facebook page.

WHAT???!! I instantly went into panic mode. "Did you tell people about my blog?" I asked, trying to remain calm. "I didn't know it was a secret" was her puzzled reply.

Then I tried to explain how some people are allowed to know about it. And others aren't. I asked her not to put it on her Facebook page and gave her clearance for a couple of people she could tell about Caffeine Court.

I then immediately went onto the blog to delete any posts that might get me into hot water.

I then realized that unless I go private, I have to assume that EVERYONE knows about my blog and can secretly be reading it.

Such a tangled web this internet thing is. I'm just glad I'm not in high school anymore. I can only IMAGINE the destructive power behind Facebook when you're a 16 year old. The mere thought of it makes me shudder!!!!

So, I will remember to keep my blog light and cheery. To only post nice happy pictures of my family on my FB page.

To create a perfect picture of the perfect housewife.

The more people that know about my blog, the less topics I can be totally honest about.

Yeah, I know, boring. But it'll keep me out of trouble. Double Boring.

I've found a new love...

You may or may not have noticed, but my blog has been a bit lacking the past few weeks. The holidays have had something to do with it, but there is something else that has had a far bigger effect on my bloggy life.

FACEBOOK.

I am loving it! It's so mindless. It has goofy games, pictures, little gifts you can send, and the bonus is...it requires absolutely no creativity!!!

The result has been that my creative juices have been completely dried up. (For the time being.)

I know it won't last forever. I'm fickle that way. But for now, if you want to find me...join the FB club and shoot me your e-mail address.

In the meantime...if you have kids anywhere around 8 or 9 years old the third "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" book is out..."The Last Straw." My daughter LOVES these books, they're hilarious.

And if you caught the meanest thing I did as a kid before my mom made me delete it, I'm really not a total sicko. Just KIND OF a sicko!

How boring is my life?

I don't think I can top my last post.

I'll just have to wait for something weird or funny to happen to me. When it does, I'll let you know!

Peapod is coming any minute so maybe I'll have a good story about the delivery man showing me his privates or grabbing one of my boobs.

One can only hope.

In the meantime, let's play a game.

It's called..."You know you're old when.."

I'll start.

You know you're old when you are actually somewhat flattered that some freak in the Foodtown produce section flirted with you.

You know you're old when...you watch the MTV music awards and you don't know who the hell 90% of the performers are...and most of them annoy the hell out of you.

You know you're old when you listen to talk and news radio exclusively in the car (I mean minivan). (With an occasional book on tape when you're feeling really wild!)

You know you're old when one of your thrills in life is peeking out the window at the antics of your wild divorced next door neighbor and her new

boyfriend.

(Man they had a wicked fight last night!)

Just call me Mrs. Kravitz.

This Mrs. Kravitz

(Not Lenny's mom!)

Okay...now it's YOUR turn.

Coke or Pepsi?

My 9 year old daughter has a really fun book, it's called "Coke or Pepsi?" It's full of fun questions to ask your friends to get to know them better.

I thought it would be fun to ask you, by bloggy friends some "Coke or Pepsi?" questions.

I know I could get really inappropriate with this and make up my own, but I'm going to keep it clean.

Here goes...

1. If you were in a band, what would you want to be?

Singer, guitarist, drummer, manager

2. Name one dorky trait you have.

3. Grits: Love em, Gross, What are they anyway!?

4. Meanest thing you did as a little kid?

Okay, now I'll answer.

1. Singer and guitarist. ( I would be like Sheryl Crow...or Joan Jett...so cool.)

2. That I would LOVE to be in a band and play to a huge stadium full of adoring fans. I also like to dance around like a complete idiot around my family. The only way I'd do it publicly is if I was really drunk.

3. Love them!! Yes, a northern girl who LOVES grits. My husband and I had them in North Carolina ages ago and we are hooked. They are heart healthy so it's a good thing!!

4.  I had an answer but my mother called and made me take it down.  THAT'S how bad it was!

Now you answer...it'll be fun...like a sleepover party!!

I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up...

I want to be one of these gals.

The ones in my new Athleta Catalog.





I want to wear a Shanti Cami with the Vishu Pant, and do yoga on the beach.






After that I want to stroll on over to the local farmer's market in my Henna Skimp outfit and eat organic fruit with a big old smile on my gorgeous unlined face.

I want inner AND outer beauty, sinewy muscles and a calm mind.

Just look at these women. Who WOULDN'T want to be them???

Okay, I'm not going to kid myself. The one on the rock staring off into space is on Vicodin. The one PRETENDING to eat the orange has bulimia. And the lady in the awesome pose listening to the waves crash on the beach thinks she has big thighs.

They all wish they could give up the pressure of their high profile modeling careers. They dream of getting married, settling down in a little house in NJ and popping out a couple of kids.

I guess the grass REALLY on the other side of the fence.

And who the hell needs an $89 tank top anyway?

Wow...this chick has some HUGE cajones!

Woman's gesture leads to her arrest

Thursday, January 08, 2009

From Staff Reports

tsnews@sjnewsco.com

CARNEYS POINT TWP. - A Wenonah spectator was arrested at Penns Grove High School here after she ran onto center court and gave the middle finger to the hometown crowd during a basketball game, police said.

Jaclyn Brown, 18, of Princeton Boulevard, was arrested Jan. 3 at 2:59 p.m. and charged with violating a township ordinance for creating a public disturbance, according to authorities. Police said the crowd went wild when she gave them the finger.

"Obviously she was not a big fan of Penns Grove," said Sgt. Brian Nixon. (Now THERE'S an understatement!)

The Penns Grove High School boys basketball team had been playing against the Gloucester Catholic Rams when the incident occurred, Nixon said.

Brown was charged and released pending a court appearance. The Red Devils went on to win the game, 39-37.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...only in New Jersey folks...only in New Jersey....

Words escape me...

Thank you to Dr. Zibbs at That Blue Yak and The Smoking Gun for drawing my attention to this horrific incident.

Apparently this man and his son were boarding a chairlift in Vail when he fell through a crack, exposing HIS crack for all the world to behold. That must have been a chilly 7 minutes.

Remember when I said a few posts back that I can't imagine anything worse than driving 6 hours with 2 children and a hangover?

NOW, I can.

I've had nightmares about this kind of thing.

Digging out from under the Christmas Rubble!

Happy New Year!  I hope you are all getting back into the normal routine.  I am TRYING DESPERATELY to get things organized.  Today was huge for me.  Those of you on Facebook have already seen these photos, but I thought I'd share one of the many tasks I had to conquer today.

Take a look at our Christmas tree. 

To the left is a photo pre expiration date.  

We (I) forgot to put water in it and went to Vermont for five days.  When we returned it was a sight to behold.

Every time I took off an ornament another pile of needles fell to the ground.  

I think I filled about 15 vacuum cleaner bags.

By the time I wrestled the little sucker out to the patio there were absolutely ZERO needles left on it.

My husband is too embarrassed to put it out on the curb.  He wants to dismember it "Sopranos" style and stuff the parts in a trash bag.  Then he wants me to dump it in a swamp. 

I, on the other hand, decided to photograph it and post it for all the world to see.  They say opposites attract!!!

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Order is restored to the rear right corner of our family room.

Stay tuned for more Christmas Break adventures including traveling 6 1/2 hours in the car with a puking child, tennis tournament details, a visit from the world's wildest children and how I'm coping with not exercising for over 10 days.  You won't want to miss the next episode of Caffeine Court.  (Did you hear? ABC and CBS have both offered me a deal to make a show out of my life!  They heard about all my wild antics and think it would be a huge hit.  (NOT!)