Milking a Joke

My friends and family are always telling me, "you should write a book!" I'm guessing if you have a blog, you hear the same thing.

My response is always the same. "There are lots of great writers in the world. What the heck would I write a book about?!!" And now...FINALLY after two and a half years of blogging, I think I've come up with a unique idea.

A book full of disgusting monkey stories, along with photographs.

If you commented on my last post, I might contact you for your input, and please, don't worry, you'll get a cut of the book and movie profits. I won't forget the little people when I hit the big time in the publishing world.


It seems to me that monkeys doing in public, what humans only do in private is a real crowd pleaser. I think it might even make the New York Times Bestseller list.

Now I have to think of a title.

Let's see...

here's a few ideas...

PRIMAL PRIMATE URGES

MONKEY'S "BUSINESS"

APES DO THE DARNDEST THINGS

Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself.

What do you think? Would you buy this book? If I did a children's version, would you buy it for the kids?

Who should I cast in the movie version? I was thinking Emma Thompson could play me at the Orangutan house and George Clooney could play the zookeeper who pours cold water on the amorous apes.

I'm telling you, this is going to be huge!!!

I hope you all have a great weekend.

As usual, I hope something good happens that I can write about, because this monkey stuff is getting old.

Catch you next week!!

Hot Monkey Love (Caution: Not for the faint of heart!)

Wow. Time sure flies when your kids are on Spring Break!!!

Today was back to school, so it's back to blogging.

Last week we paid my sister a visit at her home in Maryland and we took a little field trip to the National Zoo in Washington D.C. It was quite a visit. The monkeys were in fine form.

It fascinates me how entertained humans are by disgusting primate behaviour.

As we entered the chimpanzee house we noticed a large crowd gathered in a corner gazing at something through the glass. We managed to push to the front, and lo and behold, a chimp was vomiting on the ground and then eating it, over and over and over again. The crowd was transfixed. I didn't get it! I was gagging at the sight of it, but people were climbing all over each other to watch disgusting show.

The next stop...the Orangutans, and let me tell you. They did not disappoint. At first they were really cute and innocent, playing around under a sheet, chasing each other and having a jolly good time, when all of a sudden, things took an unexpected turn. A male Orangutan approached a female while she was enjoying a bamboo snack. He pushed her on her back and then pushed her legs back. He then proceeded to lick her feminine area. She looked bored and continued snacking and looking at the spectators with an annoyed look on her face.

The male then proceeded to mount her and give her some hot Orangutan loving. The crowd was loving it!!! I didn't see one person grab their child and try to leave, as a matter of fact, the crowd moved in closer, and started photographing and videotaping the primate porn. Suddenly, the female looked really mad, she pushed the male off and tried to make her escape. He would not take no for an answer. DATE RAPE!! He grabbed her legs and tackled her. Once he had her pinned he continued to finish what he started. To make things even more humiliating for the female, another Orangutan sat and watched the entire show while he picked his nose and ate it.

When the sex act was completed, the poor girl ran over to a sheet and put it over her head, hiding herself in shame. To add insult to injury, the man picked up her bamboo and ate it himself!

What a cad.

If you'd like to see video documentation of this event, I'll see if my sister can put it on Youtube, since she was one of the sick perverts videotaping this shocking display.

And that, my friends, was the highlight of my Spring Break.

I feel dirty.

Scratching the Itch

A while back I did a post about some of the soap opera drama and hanky panky that goes down in my town. We had a rash of affairs between people and lots of divorces a couple of years back.

I call my part of town the divorce neighborhood, because the CHEATERS get to live here when their marriage breaks up. The BETRAYED usually get to stay in the big house.

I went out on St. Patrick's Day with a bunch of my friends to a local Irish Bar, and lo and behold...the place was hopping with horny middle aged married people looking to get a little "strange."

Granted, it was good for my ego, men were buying me drinks and offering me bar stools, it was kind of fun, but I kept it in perspective and stayed with my girl friends. I'm a married woman, and I'm not "going there."

I saw alot of weird flirtation going on between people who were married to OTHER people. It was freaky. One of my friends who was with me gave me an earful of juicy gossip about some of the people I was observing. I was floored!!

Ongoing affairs between people who's children are friends, jealousy, fist fights, you name it...it's like an episode of "Desperate Housewives" right here in my little town. Ewww.

When I got home, my husband and I talked about it. We both totally get it. We all want to feel the thrill and excitement of a new romance and it is flattering to have someone attractive show an interest in you, but come on people, control yourselves!!! You have kids!! What's the deal with these ongoing, serial affairs? If you hate your spouse that much, get a divorce, or a blow up doll!

This is the kind of stuff that gets people murdered. Jealousy and humiliation can make people do crazy things. And there is no way the children don't pick up on the vibe when their parents are behaving this way.

Maybe this stuff is just gossip, which is why I refuse to talk about it to anyone else in town. Sure I listened. It was fascinating, and hopefully it's not true. Unfortunately, I think it is.

I might be naive, but I totally trust my husband and he trusts me. But I can tell you this, if I have a friend who confides in me that she's having an affair, she's toast.

As the old Proverb states, "if you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas."

I think my town needs an exterminator.

A Kinder, Gentler Confrontation

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I were in Borders browsing through the books. I was checking out a table full of "relationship" books and I came across this beauty.

"Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love" (Relationship Repair in a Flash.)

This is a book of flash cards to use when you get in an argument with your significant other.

It's a very effective little tool, but of course, it made ME laugh. It cracked me up that I could run and grab some flash cards every time my husband and I have a heated disagreement.

My sisters and I have a way of fighting that in many cases, is FAR from politically correct, (it's the Jersey in us) so the idea of using these cards was preposterous to me, but at the same time, it made perfect sense. If I could only learn to react in such a calm and mature manner. My life would be so PEACEFUL!!!

Here are some examples of the flash cards:

Instead of saying, "I can't stand you! You are such a controlling bastard!!!" You say... "I realize I'm overreacting. Can you give me a minute to get sane again?"

Here are some other "go to" phrases to use in the heat of the moment.

"When you go on and on like that, I feel invisible to you."

"Even though I've been arguing my position like a crazy person, I can see where your point of view makes sense."

"What can I say that would make you feel understood?"

"I'm sorry if I acted like mine was the only reality."

"I treasure you."

"You are precious, and I get that I haven't been treating you like you are."

Go ahead, say them out loud.

Try using them the next time you get in an argument.

The worst thing that can happen is that you and you and your husband bust out laughing, and maybe even, forget what the heck you were fighting about in the first place.

I REALLY wanted to buy it, for pure entertainment, but my husband didn't want me to spend the money, so I got annoyed. I was about to say. "Don't be so cheap, it's only 10 bucks!!" But then I realized how destructive that would be, instead, I flipped to an appropriate card and responded, "Of course, I respect your opinion, and will abide by it."

I did, however, make a mental note to buy one at a later date, when I wasn't with him. (Do you see why we argue??!)

Later this afternoon, I'm going to go for it! I'm going to cruise on over to Borders to pick up a copy.

I might even pick a fight, just so I can use use it!!!

Good relationships take work, but you might as well have a good time while you're doing it.

Tonight, WE FIGHT!!! WITH FLASH CARDS!!

I can't wait.

Attack of the Killer Munchkins

I am in shock and I'm not kidding.

Today, at tennis, my children and I were attacked by evil little trolls.

I had heard rumors about a fellow tennis player's children. That they were wild, violent and out of control. I thought people were exaggerating.

They weren't.

My daughters were in the lobby watching a movie while I played doubles. When I came to get them these three little children (ages 4, 6, and 8 ) accosted me.

The oldest demanded proof that I was my daughters' mother, the middle boy grab my tennis skirt and tried to pull it down, and the little girl kicked me in the leg and punched me in the stomach.

They then proceeded to grab my daughter by the arm and kick her.

I WAS PISSED, so I took the little girl, grabbed her arm and said, "you DON'T hit people!!!"

Her reply, "YESSSSSS I DO!!!"

And she hit me again and yelled at me..."I HAAAATE YOU!!!"

I told my girls, that if those demons touched them again they had my permission to slap them across the face.

But that's not in their nature.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so we got the hell out of Dodge. As I glanced back, I saw the youngest girl punch the lady at the front desk in her crotch. The older boy had his brother in a headlock and was banging his head into the wall.

I have never EVER seen anything like it.

Those kids could join up as a gang and kill an adult. No lie.

I've seen bad seeds before. It's bound to happen.

But ALL THREE KIDS in one family? Frightening. Truly.

I'm going to have nightmares tonight, about three little Irish children, taking me to the ground and kicking and punching me into oblivion.

I don't think I'll be able to return to the tennis club.

At least not without a weapon.

Age Appropriate

I am completely buried in life, but I wanted to tell you a little story, that can teach us all a lesson.

Last week, I was getting my hair colored at a salon. As I sat in my chair, I noticed a stylist at the front. She was very thin, she wore torn boyfriend jeans rolled up at the ankles, Sanuk loafers, and some kind of cool skateboard chick looking shirt. She had long blond wavy hair. From behind, she almost looked like Avril Lavigne...

Suddenly she turned and looked at me. I almost recoiled in shock. Her face looked like Queen Elizabeth!! I swear the woman was sixty. Wrinkles, kind of a large witch nose, no makeup. She looked me right in the eye and WINKED. Like she knew how surprised I was when I saw her face! Seriously, it was unnerving.

I know she's a hair stylist and all, and she wants to be hip, but WHOA.

Freaky.

Anyway, the lesson is...it's okay to be hip, and stylish, but if you have a face like a grandma, try to dress in an age appropriate fashion.

Unless, of course, you enjoy watching people's eyes bug out every time you turn to face them.

You could see she was trying really hard to look good. Maybe a little TOO hard.

Oh the struggles we women face.

I say we all skip the makeup, hair color and fashion. Let's all go au naturel.

If you've got grays...let 'em show!! Blotchy skin? Zits? Embrace them!!

Why worry about trends? Just throw on a pair of mom jeans, a white tee shirt and a sensible pair of brown shoes.

Let's stop letting the media tell us what's beautiful!!!

Let's stop spending our money trying to look the way we're TOLD we should look!!

Come on ladies! Rise up!!!

You start. Let me know how it works out for you.

Rage in a Bottle

As you know, I am really into caffeinated beverages. I've been trying to cut down on my aspartame consumption and have been doing very well with limiting my Diet Coke intake. (Although I miss it...ALOT)

Last week I was at CVS checking out all the fabulous deals to be had with my ExtraCare card when I came across the energy drink section.

There was a two for one special on 5-hour Energy liquid energy shot. I looked at the box and I was intrigued. Hours of energy now!! No crash later!!! Sugar Free!!! Feel it in minutes...lasts for hours!!

Whoa.

I wanted in on the action, so I threw some bottles in my cart and beelined it to checkout.

When I got in the car, I ripped open the bottle and chugged it.

Holy hell!!! I felt like the Incredible Hulk. My skin was flushed, I was breathing heavily, like I was on cocaine, or speed, and my body got hot.

What the heck!!! I looked at the box again..."You may experience a Niacin flush (hot feeling, skin redness) that lasts a few minutes. "

A few minutes? Try a few hours. No lie, for 6 hours I was on edge, ready to pounce, and I could not sit still. I hated it. There are 3 more bottles of that demon liquid in my fridge. If you like the stuff, send me an e-mail and I'll FedEx it to you PRONTO. Just don't sue me when you start throwing furniture around the room and growling a people.

On a similar note, my sister's 13 year old stepson brought a Red Bull to school to drink with lunch. When one of the teacher's noticed it she took it away from him. My sister's stepson was outraged. (Do you see a pattern here?) His Mom had printed out a copy of the school rules for him to keep handy in order to disrespect authority figures, and nowhere in the rules did it mention that Red Bull is forbidden at lunch.

After school his Mom called the school to complain that her son not had been singled out for drinking a Red Bull. She was proud of her son for sticking up for himself and not letting "the man" boss him around.

WHATEVER!!! That woman is every teacher's nightmare. (Lot's of blog material here...maybe I'll have my sister write a few posts about her...she's nuts!! Certifiably crazy.) But back to the topic...

I agree with the school, especially after I have felt the effects of one of these energy drinks. There is no way I would be able to sit still and focus after drinking one. I don't think kids in middle school should be permitted to drink them. That's my opinion and I'm sticking with it.

Here is an article I found that elaborates on the subject. Feel free to click on the link, but make sure you come back and tell me what you think.

Do you drink high powered energy drinks? Do you let your kids? If you do drink them, do you pour some vodka into it, so you can be a high powered drunk? (That's the hottest trend you know!)

That's all I've got. I look forward to your input.