Scratching the Itch

A while back I did a post about some of the soap opera drama and hanky panky that goes down in my town. We had a rash of affairs between people and lots of divorces a couple of years back.

I call my part of town the divorce neighborhood, because the CHEATERS get to live here when their marriage breaks up. The BETRAYED usually get to stay in the big house.

I went out on St. Patrick's Day with a bunch of my friends to a local Irish Bar, and lo and behold...the place was hopping with horny middle aged married people looking to get a little "strange."

Granted, it was good for my ego, men were buying me drinks and offering me bar stools, it was kind of fun, but I kept it in perspective and stayed with my girl friends. I'm a married woman, and I'm not "going there."

I saw alot of weird flirtation going on between people who were married to OTHER people. It was freaky. One of my friends who was with me gave me an earful of juicy gossip about some of the people I was observing. I was floored!!

Ongoing affairs between people who's children are friends, jealousy, fist fights, you name it...it's like an episode of "Desperate Housewives" right here in my little town. Ewww.

When I got home, my husband and I talked about it. We both totally get it. We all want to feel the thrill and excitement of a new romance and it is flattering to have someone attractive show an interest in you, but come on people, control yourselves!!! You have kids!! What's the deal with these ongoing, serial affairs? If you hate your spouse that much, get a divorce, or a blow up doll!

This is the kind of stuff that gets people murdered. Jealousy and humiliation can make people do crazy things. And there is no way the children don't pick up on the vibe when their parents are behaving this way.

Maybe this stuff is just gossip, which is why I refuse to talk about it to anyone else in town. Sure I listened. It was fascinating, and hopefully it's not true. Unfortunately, I think it is.

I might be naive, but I totally trust my husband and he trusts me. But I can tell you this, if I have a friend who confides in me that she's having an affair, she's toast.

As the old Proverb states, "if you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas."

I think my town needs an exterminator.

A Kinder, Gentler Confrontation

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I were in Borders browsing through the books. I was checking out a table full of "relationship" books and I came across this beauty.

"Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love" (Relationship Repair in a Flash.)

This is a book of flash cards to use when you get in an argument with your significant other.

It's a very effective little tool, but of course, it made ME laugh. It cracked me up that I could run and grab some flash cards every time my husband and I have a heated disagreement.

My sisters and I have a way of fighting that in many cases, is FAR from politically correct, (it's the Jersey in us) so the idea of using these cards was preposterous to me, but at the same time, it made perfect sense. If I could only learn to react in such a calm and mature manner. My life would be so PEACEFUL!!!

Here are some examples of the flash cards:

Instead of saying, "I can't stand you! You are such a controlling bastard!!!" You say... "I realize I'm overreacting. Can you give me a minute to get sane again?"

Here are some other "go to" phrases to use in the heat of the moment.

"When you go on and on like that, I feel invisible to you."

"Even though I've been arguing my position like a crazy person, I can see where your point of view makes sense."

"What can I say that would make you feel understood?"

"I'm sorry if I acted like mine was the only reality."

"I treasure you."

"You are precious, and I get that I haven't been treating you like you are."

Go ahead, say them out loud.

Try using them the next time you get in an argument.

The worst thing that can happen is that you and you and your husband bust out laughing, and maybe even, forget what the heck you were fighting about in the first place.

I REALLY wanted to buy it, for pure entertainment, but my husband didn't want me to spend the money, so I got annoyed. I was about to say. "Don't be so cheap, it's only 10 bucks!!" But then I realized how destructive that would be, instead, I flipped to an appropriate card and responded, "Of course, I respect your opinion, and will abide by it."

I did, however, make a mental note to buy one at a later date, when I wasn't with him. (Do you see why we argue??!)

Later this afternoon, I'm going to go for it! I'm going to cruise on over to Borders to pick up a copy.

I might even pick a fight, just so I can use use it!!!

Good relationships take work, but you might as well have a good time while you're doing it.

Tonight, WE FIGHT!!! WITH FLASH CARDS!!

I can't wait.

Attack of the Killer Munchkins

I am in shock and I'm not kidding.

Today, at tennis, my children and I were attacked by evil little trolls.

I had heard rumors about a fellow tennis player's children. That they were wild, violent and out of control. I thought people were exaggerating.

They weren't.

My daughters were in the lobby watching a movie while I played doubles. When I came to get them these three little children (ages 4, 6, and 8 ) accosted me.

The oldest demanded proof that I was my daughters' mother, the middle boy grab my tennis skirt and tried to pull it down, and the little girl kicked me in the leg and punched me in the stomach.

They then proceeded to grab my daughter by the arm and kick her.

I WAS PISSED, so I took the little girl, grabbed her arm and said, "you DON'T hit people!!!"

Her reply, "YESSSSSS I DO!!!"

And she hit me again and yelled at me..."I HAAAATE YOU!!!"

I told my girls, that if those demons touched them again they had my permission to slap them across the face.

But that's not in their nature.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so we got the hell out of Dodge. As I glanced back, I saw the youngest girl punch the lady at the front desk in her crotch. The older boy had his brother in a headlock and was banging his head into the wall.

I have never EVER seen anything like it.

Those kids could join up as a gang and kill an adult. No lie.

I've seen bad seeds before. It's bound to happen.

But ALL THREE KIDS in one family? Frightening. Truly.

I'm going to have nightmares tonight, about three little Irish children, taking me to the ground and kicking and punching me into oblivion.

I don't think I'll be able to return to the tennis club.

At least not without a weapon.

Age Appropriate

I am completely buried in life, but I wanted to tell you a little story, that can teach us all a lesson.

Last week, I was getting my hair colored at a salon. As I sat in my chair, I noticed a stylist at the front. She was very thin, she wore torn boyfriend jeans rolled up at the ankles, Sanuk loafers, and some kind of cool skateboard chick looking shirt. She had long blond wavy hair. From behind, she almost looked like Avril Lavigne...

Suddenly she turned and looked at me. I almost recoiled in shock. Her face looked like Queen Elizabeth!! I swear the woman was sixty. Wrinkles, kind of a large witch nose, no makeup. She looked me right in the eye and WINKED. Like she knew how surprised I was when I saw her face! Seriously, it was unnerving.

I know she's a hair stylist and all, and she wants to be hip, but WHOA.

Freaky.

Anyway, the lesson is...it's okay to be hip, and stylish, but if you have a face like a grandma, try to dress in an age appropriate fashion.

Unless, of course, you enjoy watching people's eyes bug out every time you turn to face them.

You could see she was trying really hard to look good. Maybe a little TOO hard.

Oh the struggles we women face.

I say we all skip the makeup, hair color and fashion. Let's all go au naturel.

If you've got grays...let 'em show!! Blotchy skin? Zits? Embrace them!!

Why worry about trends? Just throw on a pair of mom jeans, a white tee shirt and a sensible pair of brown shoes.

Let's stop letting the media tell us what's beautiful!!!

Let's stop spending our money trying to look the way we're TOLD we should look!!

Come on ladies! Rise up!!!

You start. Let me know how it works out for you.

Rage in a Bottle

As you know, I am really into caffeinated beverages. I've been trying to cut down on my aspartame consumption and have been doing very well with limiting my Diet Coke intake. (Although I miss it...ALOT)

Last week I was at CVS checking out all the fabulous deals to be had with my ExtraCare card when I came across the energy drink section.

There was a two for one special on 5-hour Energy liquid energy shot. I looked at the box and I was intrigued. Hours of energy now!! No crash later!!! Sugar Free!!! Feel it in minutes...lasts for hours!!

Whoa.

I wanted in on the action, so I threw some bottles in my cart and beelined it to checkout.

When I got in the car, I ripped open the bottle and chugged it.

Holy hell!!! I felt like the Incredible Hulk. My skin was flushed, I was breathing heavily, like I was on cocaine, or speed, and my body got hot.

What the heck!!! I looked at the box again..."You may experience a Niacin flush (hot feeling, skin redness) that lasts a few minutes. "

A few minutes? Try a few hours. No lie, for 6 hours I was on edge, ready to pounce, and I could not sit still. I hated it. There are 3 more bottles of that demon liquid in my fridge. If you like the stuff, send me an e-mail and I'll FedEx it to you PRONTO. Just don't sue me when you start throwing furniture around the room and growling a people.

On a similar note, my sister's 13 year old stepson brought a Red Bull to school to drink with lunch. When one of the teacher's noticed it she took it away from him. My sister's stepson was outraged. (Do you see a pattern here?) His Mom had printed out a copy of the school rules for him to keep handy in order to disrespect authority figures, and nowhere in the rules did it mention that Red Bull is forbidden at lunch.

After school his Mom called the school to complain that her son not had been singled out for drinking a Red Bull. She was proud of her son for sticking up for himself and not letting "the man" boss him around.

WHATEVER!!! That woman is every teacher's nightmare. (Lot's of blog material here...maybe I'll have my sister write a few posts about her...she's nuts!! Certifiably crazy.) But back to the topic...

I agree with the school, especially after I have felt the effects of one of these energy drinks. There is no way I would be able to sit still and focus after drinking one. I don't think kids in middle school should be permitted to drink them. That's my opinion and I'm sticking with it.

Here is an article I found that elaborates on the subject. Feel free to click on the link, but make sure you come back and tell me what you think.

Do you drink high powered energy drinks? Do you let your kids? If you do drink them, do you pour some vodka into it, so you can be a high powered drunk? (That's the hottest trend you know!)

That's all I've got. I look forward to your input.

The Zen of Ikea

A friend of mine went to Ikea to buy her daughter a bed. Upon assembly, she realized she was missing a part. DAMN.

How frustrating!!!

After schlepping 45 minutes to the store , unloading the car and starting the assembly process, the last thing my friend wanted to do was to drive all the way back to the store for a bolt. She decided to go to the Ikea website to order the missing part. It was on that website that she met Anna...the world's most serene (and animated, literally) customer service rep.

When my friend asked Anna for a part, she was instructed that if she needed a part mailed to her, she would need quite a bit of detailed information to including a part number to get her missing piece. At that point, my friend lost her patience and snapped at Anna. " F--k you", she typed.

Anna didn't miss a beat. Her response..."sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Now, how may I assist you?"

Wow. You go Anna. Way to deflect a bully!!! My friend was so amused by Anna's response that she laughed and provided Anna with the information she required, which goes to show that we should never answer and angry word with an angry word. Had Anna reacted in a hostile way to my friend's attack, it could have escalated into a dangerous situation. Luckily Anna kept a cool head, and the story had a happy ending.

I decided to go to the website and try to engage Anna in an altercation.

"I hate you." I typed...

Anna's response.

"If I have unintentionally offended you then I apologize. If you think that I am not providing you with useful information about Ikea, please go to your nearest Ikea store."'

I complimented her...

"You're pretty. Are you single?" Hmm...what prompted me to type that??? Am I secretly gay?!

Anna was all business...(although she did bat her eyelashes and grin.) "I don't really want to talk about personal issues, like marriage. If you would like to talk about Ikea, that would be much better."


Wow. That Anna is the Gandhi of our generation.

Since messing with Anna Ikea is so much more fun than folding laundry, I continued to taunt Anna for a half hour. What fun I had!

Try it. Head on over the Ikea website and give Anna a shout. She's the most pleasant person you'll deal with all day.

I was so impressed with her poise and sense of humor, that Anna Ikea and I are now Facebook friends, which in my world is the highest compliment you can pay a person.

Anna Ikea.

A true woman of substance.

Full contact tennis

I haven't written a good tennis post in awhile, but something somewhat exciting actually happened today, so I thought I'd share.

I like my tennis like I like my men, fast and hard. (Ha ha...just kidding Mom.) But seriously, I like a lively game of doubles, and today was no exception.

I was playing with a group of friends and we were having a jolly good time smashing overheads, rushing the net, and going for the gusto...it was all fun and games, until someone got hurt.

Unfortunately, that person was one of the nicest, most beloved people at the tennis club, and I was the one who hurt her.

Just shoot me.

It all happened so quickly, I hit a driving forehand from the baseline when my dear friend stormed the net, the next thing I know, my ball SLAMMED into her eye, she yelped in pain and hit the ground. I was scared.

I ran to get help and an ice pack. When I returned to the court I got my first look at the damage.

It wasn't pretty.

She had a shiner that would put Mike Tyson to shame and broken blood vessels in her eye that looked very, VERY, painful.

I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I nursed her wound, and brought her a cookie and offered to drive her to the doctor. She refused my offer and went on her own.

Luckily her eye is okay. No scratched cornea, no detached retina, a bit of concern ABOUT THE BLEEDING, so she will return to the doctor tomorrow morning for a follow up.

This kind of stuff happens in the dog eat dog world of housewife afternoon tennis. I know that. Next time, it could be me, face down on the court, crying in pain. I accept the risks, and I will return to the courts this Thursday, ready to face the dangers that await me.

I leave you with a sports prayer...

God, let me play well but fairly.
Help me to learn something that matters
once the game is over.
Let competition make me strong but never hostile.
Always let me help my opponent up.
Never catch me rejoicing in the adversity of others.
If I know victory, allow me to be happy; if I am denied, keep me from envy.
Remind me that sports are just games.
If through athletics I set an example,
let it be a good one.

And please Lord, let my friend forgive me for bashing her in her eyeball and making her bleed.

Amen.