The Miracle Worker

Let me tell you about my new BFF. His name is Joey and he works at the Sisley counter at Saks in NYC.

I met Joey last weekend when my childhood friends and I had a girls' weekend in the Big Apple. We had a few margaritas, and then decided to hit Saks for a little shopping.

As I stood at the Chanel counter buying my very first Chanel lipstick. (In a gorgeous shade called Cashmere) I noticed my friend Jennifer sitting in Joey's magic chair. As I approached to watch, Joey looked me in the eye and said, "YOU'RE next." I was mesmerized, as were the rest of my friends. One by one, we put our faces at the mercy of the world's greatest cosmetics salesman.

Joey had an interesting sales approach, a combination of humiliation and love.

He took one look at one of my friends and exclaimed, "Oh my, just LOOK at those eyebrows!! Who are you? Captain Morgan? And look at your shoes!! Are you going for a pirate look?" Ouch. Humiliating, but somehow he pulled it off. He then ran over to the Chanel counter and borrowed a pair of small scissors, which he used to trim my friend's eyebrows into the most flattering arch I've ever seen. He was an artist.

Joey's secret weapons? Eye cream, black eyeliner and eyebrow pencil. The transformation on all of us was stunning.

After the makeovers, we each marched over to the register to purchase our new life changing potions. Can you say sticker shock?? Holy hell. Do you know what Sisley cosmetics cost? I was FLOORED. I'm not even going to tell you. You can look it up if you want, I can't even type it.

As we walked out, Joey asked us to pose for a photo reminiscent of "Charlie's Angels." He then proceeded to invite us to join hem and his honey at Gay Night at Hiro Ballroom. The idea of sitting around with Joey's friends while they critiqued our hair and shoes sounded tempting, but we politely declined.

The good news is, 10 days have passed since my purchase and this stuff is a amazing. Especially the eye cream, I've never used such an incredible eye cream. Words can't describe how good it is. Truly. When I work my eye cream, eyeliner, and brow pencil, it's HOT. (If I do say so myself.)

If you're ever in NY stop by Saks and meet Joey. Make sure you bring your credit card and all your self esteem. After all, Joey works on commission, and he's good, very good, at what he does.

You might even consider taking out a second mortgage on your house.

Trust me.

It will be worth it.

I love these ladies. We've been friends for over 30 years!

A Woman of Strength

Today I decided to treat myself to a much needed manicure/pedicure.

The woman who did my nails was named Linh.

As she worked, we enjoyed a nice conversation about our children and our lives. I told her that this weekend I am getting together with a group of my closest friends from my childhood. She looked a little sad, and told me that she doesn't see her friends from school anymore, because they are all in Vietnam. I asked how she ended up here, in New Jersey, so far away from her home.

The story she told me blew me away.

In 1975 when Linh was 18 she lived in South Vietnam during the fall of Saigon. She told me how horribly her people were treated under the Communist rule, and how she, her brother and sister decided to flee the country. (Leaving their parents and sisters behind.) They hid in the jungle until they found a way to get on a small fishing boat with 72 other people.

She told me how they floated, aimlessly for 2 weeks straight. The boat was so crowded that no one could lie down, they all sat, propped up, in rough seas with very little food or water for 14 days. Linh was so seasick she couldn't open her eyes. She said she was hallucinating, and her sister kept forcing food and water into her. She kept vomiting it up and then passing out.

The sky started to get very dark and the wind was getting stronger and stronger. They all thought they would die, but they felt that death was better than living in Vietnam under the new regime. Suddenly, as if out of a dream, a Japanese shipping boat appeared on the horizon. Linh has vague memories of the boat, because she was mostly unconscious, but her sister told her that the Japanese boat could not let them board for 3 days. The Japanese authorities needed to negotiate so as not to start an international incident by housing the refugees.

Finally, after 3 long days, the 72 brave Vietnamese crammed onto that little fishing boat, were permitted to board the Japanese ship.

They were brought to the Philippines and finally, Linh and her siblings found there way to California, where she met her husband. (Also, a Vietnamese refugee.) They found their way to New Jersey and had three children. Her oldest daughter is about to graduate from college, with all A's and is on her way to becoming a pharmacist.

I am crying while I write this. Linh and her husband are an inspiration What an incredible success story.

The sad part. Her parents and sisters never made it out of Vietnam. Linh cautioned them not to try. She still has nightmares about her journey. The story had a happy ending, but she told me how close they all came to drowning in the ocean and the nightmares she still has about it.

I am so glad I met this woman. Talking to her has truly touched me, and in a small way, changed my life.

I have a new found appreciation for our country, and our freedoms, and my childhood friends and family, all of which I can see pretty much whenever I choose.

It floors me that people will risk their lives in order to live in a place where they are free to pursue their dreams, just like Linh and her husband did.

God Bless America.

We are very blessed to live here.

Just Do It

No, I'm not talking about Nike, or even Tiger. I'm talking about blogging. I used to LOVE blogging. I would spend hours reading other people's blogs, but things have changed.

As I've mentioned, I'm a Facebook addict. Not the pictures, or the status updates. The games. I'm not even going to talk about it, it's too shameful.

The only time interesting things happen to me, are when I'm not on Facebook, so I'd better get the heck off it, or I'll never have a good story again.

Another blog killer, KNITTING. I've also started knitting again. You can't blog and knit at the same time. At least not that I'm aware of.

Team tennis season is starting again really soon, so I've been in training. Practice 3 times a week, running. If I have another season like last year, I'm going to take up golf.

Oh, and have I mentioned my husband? Kind of a blog killer too. I love the dude, but he feels neglected if I'm sitting on the laptop all night. He likes it better when we're BOTH staring at the same show on TV.

And now a confession. I've never watched Glee. Until tonight.

It starts NOW and I'm jumping on the bandwagon.

Catch y'all on FB!!!

Milking a Joke

My friends and family are always telling me, "you should write a book!" I'm guessing if you have a blog, you hear the same thing.

My response is always the same. "There are lots of great writers in the world. What the heck would I write a book about?!!" And now...FINALLY after two and a half years of blogging, I think I've come up with a unique idea.

A book full of disgusting monkey stories, along with photographs.

If you commented on my last post, I might contact you for your input, and please, don't worry, you'll get a cut of the book and movie profits. I won't forget the little people when I hit the big time in the publishing world.


It seems to me that monkeys doing in public, what humans only do in private is a real crowd pleaser. I think it might even make the New York Times Bestseller list.

Now I have to think of a title.

Let's see...

here's a few ideas...

PRIMAL PRIMATE URGES

MONKEY'S "BUSINESS"

APES DO THE DARNDEST THINGS

Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself.

What do you think? Would you buy this book? If I did a children's version, would you buy it for the kids?

Who should I cast in the movie version? I was thinking Emma Thompson could play me at the Orangutan house and George Clooney could play the zookeeper who pours cold water on the amorous apes.

I'm telling you, this is going to be huge!!!

I hope you all have a great weekend.

As usual, I hope something good happens that I can write about, because this monkey stuff is getting old.

Catch you next week!!

Hot Monkey Love (Caution: Not for the faint of heart!)

Wow. Time sure flies when your kids are on Spring Break!!!

Today was back to school, so it's back to blogging.

Last week we paid my sister a visit at her home in Maryland and we took a little field trip to the National Zoo in Washington D.C. It was quite a visit. The monkeys were in fine form.

It fascinates me how entertained humans are by disgusting primate behaviour.

As we entered the chimpanzee house we noticed a large crowd gathered in a corner gazing at something through the glass. We managed to push to the front, and lo and behold, a chimp was vomiting on the ground and then eating it, over and over and over again. The crowd was transfixed. I didn't get it! I was gagging at the sight of it, but people were climbing all over each other to watch disgusting show.

The next stop...the Orangutans, and let me tell you. They did not disappoint. At first they were really cute and innocent, playing around under a sheet, chasing each other and having a jolly good time, when all of a sudden, things took an unexpected turn. A male Orangutan approached a female while she was enjoying a bamboo snack. He pushed her on her back and then pushed her legs back. He then proceeded to lick her feminine area. She looked bored and continued snacking and looking at the spectators with an annoyed look on her face.

The male then proceeded to mount her and give her some hot Orangutan loving. The crowd was loving it!!! I didn't see one person grab their child and try to leave, as a matter of fact, the crowd moved in closer, and started photographing and videotaping the primate porn. Suddenly, the female looked really mad, she pushed the male off and tried to make her escape. He would not take no for an answer. DATE RAPE!! He grabbed her legs and tackled her. Once he had her pinned he continued to finish what he started. To make things even more humiliating for the female, another Orangutan sat and watched the entire show while he picked his nose and ate it.

When the sex act was completed, the poor girl ran over to a sheet and put it over her head, hiding herself in shame. To add insult to injury, the man picked up her bamboo and ate it himself!

What a cad.

If you'd like to see video documentation of this event, I'll see if my sister can put it on Youtube, since she was one of the sick perverts videotaping this shocking display.

And that, my friends, was the highlight of my Spring Break.

I feel dirty.

Scratching the Itch

A while back I did a post about some of the soap opera drama and hanky panky that goes down in my town. We had a rash of affairs between people and lots of divorces a couple of years back.

I call my part of town the divorce neighborhood, because the CHEATERS get to live here when their marriage breaks up. The BETRAYED usually get to stay in the big house.

I went out on St. Patrick's Day with a bunch of my friends to a local Irish Bar, and lo and behold...the place was hopping with horny middle aged married people looking to get a little "strange."

Granted, it was good for my ego, men were buying me drinks and offering me bar stools, it was kind of fun, but I kept it in perspective and stayed with my girl friends. I'm a married woman, and I'm not "going there."

I saw alot of weird flirtation going on between people who were married to OTHER people. It was freaky. One of my friends who was with me gave me an earful of juicy gossip about some of the people I was observing. I was floored!!

Ongoing affairs between people who's children are friends, jealousy, fist fights, you name it...it's like an episode of "Desperate Housewives" right here in my little town. Ewww.

When I got home, my husband and I talked about it. We both totally get it. We all want to feel the thrill and excitement of a new romance and it is flattering to have someone attractive show an interest in you, but come on people, control yourselves!!! You have kids!! What's the deal with these ongoing, serial affairs? If you hate your spouse that much, get a divorce, or a blow up doll!

This is the kind of stuff that gets people murdered. Jealousy and humiliation can make people do crazy things. And there is no way the children don't pick up on the vibe when their parents are behaving this way.

Maybe this stuff is just gossip, which is why I refuse to talk about it to anyone else in town. Sure I listened. It was fascinating, and hopefully it's not true. Unfortunately, I think it is.

I might be naive, but I totally trust my husband and he trusts me. But I can tell you this, if I have a friend who confides in me that she's having an affair, she's toast.

As the old Proverb states, "if you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas."

I think my town needs an exterminator.

A Kinder, Gentler Confrontation

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I were in Borders browsing through the books. I was checking out a table full of "relationship" books and I came across this beauty.

"Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love" (Relationship Repair in a Flash.)

This is a book of flash cards to use when you get in an argument with your significant other.

It's a very effective little tool, but of course, it made ME laugh. It cracked me up that I could run and grab some flash cards every time my husband and I have a heated disagreement.

My sisters and I have a way of fighting that in many cases, is FAR from politically correct, (it's the Jersey in us) so the idea of using these cards was preposterous to me, but at the same time, it made perfect sense. If I could only learn to react in such a calm and mature manner. My life would be so PEACEFUL!!!

Here are some examples of the flash cards:

Instead of saying, "I can't stand you! You are such a controlling bastard!!!" You say... "I realize I'm overreacting. Can you give me a minute to get sane again?"

Here are some other "go to" phrases to use in the heat of the moment.

"When you go on and on like that, I feel invisible to you."

"Even though I've been arguing my position like a crazy person, I can see where your point of view makes sense."

"What can I say that would make you feel understood?"

"I'm sorry if I acted like mine was the only reality."

"I treasure you."

"You are precious, and I get that I haven't been treating you like you are."

Go ahead, say them out loud.

Try using them the next time you get in an argument.

The worst thing that can happen is that you and you and your husband bust out laughing, and maybe even, forget what the heck you were fighting about in the first place.

I REALLY wanted to buy it, for pure entertainment, but my husband didn't want me to spend the money, so I got annoyed. I was about to say. "Don't be so cheap, it's only 10 bucks!!" But then I realized how destructive that would be, instead, I flipped to an appropriate card and responded, "Of course, I respect your opinion, and will abide by it."

I did, however, make a mental note to buy one at a later date, when I wasn't with him. (Do you see why we argue??!)

Later this afternoon, I'm going to go for it! I'm going to cruise on over to Borders to pick up a copy.

I might even pick a fight, just so I can use use it!!!

Good relationships take work, but you might as well have a good time while you're doing it.

Tonight, WE FIGHT!!! WITH FLASH CARDS!!

I can't wait.