Raising the bar...

Okay, you're right. Blogging about my colon is in poor taste.

I'm trying to come out of the closet with this blog and there are so many off limit topics. I can't bust on tennis people, or neighbors, members of the PTO or my relatives...when I start talking politics everyone gets fired up. I know you're tired of hearing about my puppy, or how much I love Diet Coke. If I were dating me, I'd dump me! (There I go again, talking about "dumping!")

Someone told me that writing about not being able to write is lame. But that doesn't stop me.

I'm clearly I'm out of good blogging ideas.

I need something that can't get me into trouble with ANYONE.

How does one go about creating an interesting blog without trashing anyone, using potty talk or revealing embarrassing family secrets?

Help me out here people! Give me some suggestions for topics. I'll take anything you've got!!!

Enough with the poopy talk!

I know I've hit rock bottom, I've resorted to talking about the lowest common denominator...isn't that what 3 year olds do?? As my husband stated, since I have 2 children, 3 dogs and a cat, excrement is a very big part of my life, but that doesn't mean you need to keep hearing about it.

Let's move onto something a bit more pleasant...

Yesterday I was thrilled and honored to get a SWEET award from my buddy Stacey over at The Life of Sass.

Every Friday she writes about her favorite blogs, and this week she picked me!!!

Is that cool or what?

If you want to check out a blog written by an extremely clever, hip young mom, head on over the The Life of Sass. She has my blog beat by a mile!

I'm flattered that you thought of me...

I received a rather unappealing invitation from my sister today. She asked me to participate in a MASTER CLEANSE with her.

Apparently I drink the following drink.

* 2 Tablespoons of organic lemon juice

* 2 Tablespoons of organic grade B maple syrup

* 1/10 Teaspoon ground cayenne pepper

* 10 oz of filtered water

6-12 servings a day every day for 10 days.

The diet promises to:

• You'll normalize your appetite and metabolism so your body can comfortably adjust to it's ideal weight for your size naturally
• Your suppressed hormone levels will be restored so every cell in your body will be charged with youth giving and feel good hormones
• There will be a natural shift away from unhealthy habits--without will power
• You'll cleanse and detox your entire body--the pounds of waste built up over the years will be released in just 10 days
• Reduced internal inflammation, which will ease aching joints
• Your energy levels will sore
• And much more...

Apparently there is all kinds of yucky stuff in my intestines, if you get grossed out easily, STOP READING.

• It's common to pass pounds of waste in just 10 days on the Master Cleanse, and not the normal kind of waste. It's often black as tar -- The hardened phlegm and mucus comes out like long chunks of rubber -- The waste comes out holding the shape of the inside of your intestine because it's been inside you for years.

  It's also common to pass marble sized gallstones which are green and yellow balls of hardened cholesterol that can block the bile ducts from the liver to the small intestine which can be fatal if you don't remove them.

  How can you live with all this sickening waste clogging up your body?

  I know it's gross, but as you unceremoniously expel this waste you'll feel absolutely amazing. Your body will hum with a lightness and renewed energy that you can't get from drugs, exercise, supplements, or any colon cleansing kit.

Hmmm. I like the idea of getting all the gross stuff that's spackled in my guts out, but this sounds extreme.

Have you ever heard of this? Have you ever done it? I don't think I'm capable.

Do I care? Do YOU care?

So, this Sunday is SUPERBOWL SUNDAY. Do I care? Not really. I was hoping for an Eagles-Ravens Superbowl. Since that didn't happen...I have no interest.

What I am interested in, however, is The Australian Open. Too interested. I've been up way too late the past few nights watching all the drama. I LOVE IT. Can you imagine playing singles in 130 degree heat?? I'd be dead after 3 games.

Saturday is the ladies final and Sunday is the men's finals. YAY!! So much fun.
Superbowl, who cares? Give me Serena, Venus, Roger and Andy any day of the week.

Except of course for the half time show with my buddy BRUCE!

Today was a snow day here in coastal Jersey. I stayed in all day, so I didn't have any opportunities to get into trouble. Life has been kind of boring lately.

Tomorrow is a brand new day. I'll be playing tennis, maybe I'll hit someone with the ball and get into a fight. One can only hope.

I'm at a loss...

Seriously, I've got nothing...except a couple of traffic gripes.

I do alot of local driving, so I've got a million of them.

Don't you love when you're poised to pull out into traffic and someone trying to be nice "waves you on?" So you decide rather than trust "the wave" you look both ways before proceeding. As you look you notice a large truck traveling at a high rate of speed barreling toward you. You glance back and the "nice person" gets annoyed. They're sign language reads..."I'm waving you on...GO!!!"

Thanks pal, but I think I'll wait another 5 seconds rather than GUN the minivan with my 2 precious daughters in the back seat, just because you're NICE enough to tell me to.

And don't get me started on tailgaters. Seriously, they should be drawn and quartered. When someone is driving 2 inches from my bumper, I take it down to one m.p.h. BELOW the speed limit and turn on my hazards. It not only infuriates the tailgater, it also serves to confuse the hell out of them.

Meanwhile some other Jersey blogger is writing something like this...

"Don't you hate when you're at an intersection and you try to be courteous, so you wave some middle aged chick in a minivan on. And then the stupid woman looks all worried and sees a truck coming, so she won't go!!! C'mon lady. Just do what I tell you! I'm being nice for god's sake!!!

Then later on you're in a rush to get to work and the same bimbo is driving down a residential street going like 3 m.p.h over the speed limit!! C'mon sister, I'm in a hurry here!! Speed up or I'll ride your ass... Then..the crazy woman SLOWS DOWN and flips on her hazards.WTF???!!! So now, I'm mad and confused. These women really need to learn how to drive."

Tomorrow I'll try to do something interesting. But I'm not making any promises.

25 Fascinating Facts about Moi

I was tagged on Facebook by my good bloggy friend Clemson Girl to write 25 things about me.
I figure if I'm going to do it I might as well get a blog post out of it.

Let's see if I'm up for this.

1. People tell me their secrets. I don't know what it is about me. For some reason my friends and acquaintances feel comfortable telling me things that others know nothing about. Maybe they don't care what I think. Or they think that whatever they've done, I've probably done something worse. Who know? I try very hard not to be judgemental. And to only give advice when asked.

2. I have two sisters who I love very much. We are so different, yet so much alike. We always have a great time when we're together and I am so thankful that we are so close.

3. I go through phases with my personal style. About 3 years ago I went through a preppy phase and now I have a closet full of Lilly stuff that I can't stand.

4. I have had more hair colors in my life than Lindsay Lohan. Some of the less desirable shades include bright red, fuchsia and green/grey. All results of very bad choices at the Rite-Aid.

5. I love my dogs but they make my life extremely chaotic. Every time the doorbell rings I have to run around trying to catch them and coral them into the back yard. It's kind of pathetic.

6. I have diagnosed myself with adult A.D.H.D.

7. If I didn't live in New Jersey, I would like to live in North or South Carolina, Northern California or of course Maryland, near my sisters. I love Vermont, but would have to head south from November until March.

8. I absolutely love Manhattan and if I had enough money I'd love to have a little apartment there.

9. I used to dream of being a writer for "Saturday Night Live" for a short time in my twenties I wrote and performed sketch comedy and improv and hung out with alot of stand up comics.

10. I used to do print ads and voice over work. I always played a young mom, nurse or yuppie.

11. I'm learning that I don't always have to give my opinion and that sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. (Although I still make some mistakes!!)

12. I have sick sense of humor and love movies like "Something About Mary," "Mean Girls," "Napoleon Dynamite," and "You, Me and Dupree."

13. I love talk radio. When I drive around I rarely listen to music and usually have the radio tuned to Dr. Joy Browne, Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity. (Yes, all you liberals out there...I LIKE conservative talk show hosts!!)

14. Some of my liberal friends tell me how surprised they are that I tend to vote Republican. I think I'm a disappointment to them. I have to explain that all Republicans are not greedy war obsessed fascists, who don't care about anyone but themselves. Luckily most of them respect my opinions, just as I respect theirs.

15. Some of my favorite treats are Swedish Fish, Starbucks Cinnamon Dulce Lattes, Herbal Tea and of course my major addiction, fountain Diet Coke.

16. I love spending time with people that I can debate with. I enjoy hearing others' opinions and discussing both sides of an issue. My husband is one of my favorite people to debate, although we usually agree on politics and religion.

17. I love Dr. Wayne Dyer and listen to his CDs all the time. Here are some of my favorite Dr. Wayne quotes...

"People who want the most approval get the least and people who need approval the least get the most."

"Simply put, you believer that things or people make you unhappy, but this is not accurate. You make yourself unhappy."

"Judgements prevent us from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances."

There are tons more, just go to his website...drwaynedyer.com

18. I can't stand the show "The View" I find it absolutely impossible to watch. What an annoying group of women. Yes, I can't even watch Elisabeth.

19. I hate to admit this...but I'm reading "Twilight" and finding it very slow. Am I the only one?

20. My favorite female tennis pro is Amelie Mauresmo, I also like Ana Ivanovic. My favorite male, Rafael Nadal although Federer's game is absolutely flawless..

21. When I'm bored I play with my hair. It drives my husband crazy. I told him I'll stop when he stops biting his nails.

22. I'm immature that way.

23. My girl's love the show iCarly. I can't stand it!! The acting stinks, it's not funny and they scream all the time. I very much prefer Hannah Montana. Jackson is so darn funny.

24. I love where I live. I've lived in this town for almost 12 years and I have never had the desire to move away. I love the river, the beaches, the schools and most of the people. I actually have nightmares about moving away.

25. I used to be a huge party animal and loved to go out at least 4 times a week. When I hit 30 I became a complete homebody and only go crazy once or twice a year at most.


If you feel at a loss for blogging material, please go ahead and do this. Let me know if you do, I want to know more about all of you!!!

Closing the can of worms...(for now)

The response to my last post gave me a little chuckle.  Bringing up the inauguration blew the condom issue right out of the water.  I have one more comment about the inauguration.

I thought Aretha was awesome.  The hat was a bit much, but her performance was very moving, in my humble opinion.

Now onto something all Americans agree is hilarious.  FACEINHOLE.COM

One of my buddies posted some on her Facebook page and it cracked me up!!

Here are some of my creations...

My first attempt was Elle Woods from Legally Blonde.  As you can see, I need some work on my cutting and pasting skills.

Oops!  I did it again...only this one looks pretty good!  My head on Brit's bod.  I likey!

Stay tuned for more.  

I love this stuff!!  If you do it, let me know.  I caution you.  This is yet another distraction from the things you are supposed to be doing.  

Don't say I didn't warn you.