SERENITY NOW!!!

A couple of posts back I listed my New Year's Resolutions for 2009.

I'm not going to mention the ones I didn't achieve, but I will go over the progress I made in the past year.

I DID drink less Diet Coke and more water, although I still have lots of work to do in that department. Aspartame is poison. I need to stop ingesting large quantities of it.

I cut down on the cheap crap. I carefully thought about my purchases and I am working on building a wardrobe full of nice quality pieces that I can mix and match. Now I just have to purge the pile of crap on my guest room bed and get it all organized. Baby steps people.

Next step, focusing on decorating some of the rooms in my house that look like college dorm rooms.

I have been replacing negative thoughts with positive ones on a case by case basis. I've also been working on holding my tongue. Maybe someday I'll master the art of Zen. Once again, baby steps.

I will also be on Twitter alot less. Since my Blackberry broke I realize how distracting it is. Sorry to be a buzz kill, but it's bad for my brain.

Finally, I want to pick a charity to work with this year with my children. I'm torn between a local soup kitchen and the S.P.C.A. We're animal lovers so I'm leaning towards the S.P.C.A., but then I think maybe working with humans is more important. Any thoughts?

I'll leave you with a prayer I'm going to look at whenever I feel challenged in 2010. I'm sure you're seen it. It's The Serenity Prayer, and it's not just for people in AA. It's really simple, and so profound. Read it, and think about it. If we could all live it, our lives would improve.

Many of us spend too much time anxious about things we cannot change: the economy, the weather, traffic on the freeway, or people who annoy us. As a result, we don’t have the energy to make the most of the opportunities we do have. Recognizing the difference between what we can and cannot change can help us live more peaceful and productive lives.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things that I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Holiday Haunting

My girls got some Toys R Us gift cards this Christmas so I took them on a little shopping trip last night. As we walked down the toy aisle we stumbled upon a shelf full of Ouija boards.

I got all excited and grabbed one off the shelf. "Look at THIS! A Ouija board!!" I exclaimed.

Blank stares from the peanut gallery.

"What does it do??" My eldest daughter inquired.

"It's so cool, you can talk to ghosts...." stopping dead in my tracks, my daughters stared at me, wide eyed.

"Ghosts?" My six year old asked. "Are ghosts real?"

Aww shoot. Here we go.

"No of course there not, it's just for fun. You PRETEND ghosts are talking to you. Forget it, let's go look at DS games."

Bummer. How do you explain a Ouija board to your children without completely flipping them out? If you can think of a way, I'm all ears.

I remember spending countless sleepovers talking to Abe Lincoln on my friend's Ouija board. We would also levitate each other. Remember that? When one person would lie in the middle of the group and each person would put two finders under the victim. We would then repeat, "light as a feather, stiff as a board..."and then LIFT the victim up to the ceiling!!!

Good times.

At the time it seemed so NORMAL. When I tried to talk to my girls and their friend about it, it sounded just plain weird.

Am I the only weirdo around who played with one of these things as a kid?

I almost felt like buying myself a Ouija board and stashing it away, just for old times sake. Maybe I can invite some ladies from the PTA over to chat with George Washington and Jack the Ripper.

We could all wear pajamas, drink some wine and levitate each other.

Sounds like fun, right? WRONG.

Read this from Wikipedia:

Although ouija boards are viewed by some to be a simple toy, there are people who believe they can be harmful, including Edgar Cayce, who called them "dangerous."^[24]

Some practitioners claim to have had bad experiences related to the use of talking boards by being haunted by "demons," seeing apparitions of spirits, and hearing voices after using them. A few paranormal researchers, such as John Zaffis, claim that the majority of the worst cases of so-called demon harassment and possession are caused by the use of Ouija boards. The American demonologists Ed and Lorraine Warren stated that "Ouija boards are just as dangerous as drugs."^[25] They further state that "séances and Ouija boards and other occult paraphernalia are dangerous because 'evil spirits' often disguise themselves as your loved ones—and take over your life."^[25]

Demonic possession? Evil spirits harassing me and taking over my life? Why didn't anybody stop us when we were 12 years old? Were we in mortal danger and we didn't even know it?

Seriously, I would get really creeped out when we played with this thing.

Don't you think we should stop Parker Brothers from distributing this dangerous toy? I'm shaking in my boots just thinking about it! No wonder my daughters looked so disturbed.

Okay, somebody get me a Xanax.

(The previous post is an example of my adult A.D.H.D. I sat down to write my New Year's resolutions and this is what I came up with. Forget the Xanax, somebody get me some Adderall.)

Did I do it?

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas. We are taking a pit stop between Maryland and Vermont so I thought I'd pull out my New year's Resolutions from last year and see how I did.

Here they are...

1. Drink More Water Sounds like a no-brainer, so this is the resolution I'm most likely NOT to break. My sister has a book that says we should drink 2 gallons of water a day!!! That's alot of trips to the bathroom for the old Jillster, but I'm going to try to drink at least 8 glasses a day, and have better looking skin, less headaches, more energy and be in a better mood!!! My life is going to change, and it's all because I'll be drinking more water.

Okay...onto the next one.

2. Make some money. Both kids are in school, so the heat is on for momma to bring in some moola. As you know, my husband has me set up with a new business. We're still putting the finishing touches on it, but you WILL be getting details very soon. Will I break the resolution to bring in money? I certainly hope not, and I think my husband would love me so much more if I were bringing home the bacon AND frying it up it a pan.

3. Stop buying cheap crap I have a closet full of low budget purses that I picked up at Target and Old Navy. They give me a quick thrill because I love getting designer knock offs that I read about in Lucky Magazine, but the novelty ends quickly and the bags fall apart. Then I'm left with more clutter. I am going to make a concerted effort to buy good quality, classic pieces, that will last for years. This will be a toughie.

4. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. I'll admit. I think bad things. Like when someone is driving 20 miles an hour in the fast lane, I'll size them up and think, "What the f-ck are you doing you ugly red neck??" Or, I'll wake up and think. "I have so much g-d damn laundry to do. I'm so buried." From now on, when I'm thinking hostile thoughts, I'll replace them with upbeat positive ones, such as; "That unfortunate fellow. He must have done poorly in Driver's Ed. What a pity. And I really like the mud flaps on his 1978 Camaro. What a stylish chap." Or, "How lucky I am that I am healthy and, able to clean toilets, wash and fold laundry, mop the floors and take out the trash! I'm a very fortunate woman."

If I can keep this resolution I will be a ray of sunshine, who will brighten the lives of all I meet.

And finally...

5. Hold my tongue. I am a reactor. When something sets me off, I respond...INSTANTLY. From now on, I'm going to count to five, THINK and then take action, if necessary. And I will remember the words of the Greek philosopher, Epictetus

"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."

Since I'm going to break them anyway, I might as go hog wild. Here goes...in addition to my list, I'm going to workout everyday and become a hard body. I'm going to work at a soup kitchen every Saturday and go to church every Sunday. I'm going to learn French. I'm going to keep my house spotless and make wild passionate love to my husband every night, AFTER I cook him a gourmet meal. I'm going to sew my own curtains....to be continued...

HAPPY 2009!!!

Sooo...which ones did I do? Which ones did I break? What do you think?

While you're guessing, I'll be busy making my 2010 resolutions. Catch y'all later.

Venting for Jesus...

Your voices have been heard. I feel like a high schooler with a bunch of friends who are a TERRIBLE influence, but since I want to hang out with the "cool crowd" I will bow to your will do a little Christmas vent.

I love the IDEA of Christmas in it's purest form.

The Christmas story is beautiful for its simplicity.

It’s a story of giving, of God coming to earth to make a way back for a fallen planet.

I wish we could find a way to keep Christmas about the quiet and and wonder of that wondrous night in Bethlehem.

Some say that Christmas isn't about Christ. I hate to break it to you folks, but the holiday is called CHRISTmas. And even if you're not a Christian, you can't deny that the original holiday was, in fact, a celebration of the birth of Jesus CHRIST.

In that vein, I often wonder what Jesus thinks of this whole debacle.

When the wise men came to Bethlehem to present the new savior with gifts do you think the sweet baby in swaddling clothes was pissed that he didn't get a Zhu Zhu pet?

Do you think the Wise Men spent countless hours driving from mall to mall and store to store maxing out their credit cards to buy a bunch of crap?

Did Mary demand a birthing gift from Joseph, maybe a David Yurman bracelet? Did Joseph yell at Mary for spending too much on a bunch of cashmere sweaters from J. Crew?

Hell no!!! Come on people. Jesus is a tolerant man, but I think he's stressing out right about now.

I don't think this is what God had in mind when he sent us his only son.

For most people this time of year is the exact opposite of that silent night in Bethlehem. It's all about the things that I hate; chaos, deadlines, way too much rushing around, piles of STUFF everywhere that I'm expected to organize, and absolutely no alone time to reflect or enjoy a moment of silence. (Or perhaps go on Facebook.)

In the midst of all the craziness, I have to remind myself to take a moment, and a deep breath, and remember the joy and magic my children are experiencing this time of year.

I sat at my daughter's holiday concert yesterday and looked at all the sweet faces singing holiday songs and all the proud parents adoring their children. THAT'S the stuff that makes Christmas special.

To make things even nicer, my husband decided to take us out to dinner, my daughter handed me the most adorable sweet Christmas card that she made just for me, and suddenly all the hustle and bustle and stress and pressure all seemed somehow manageable.

Peace On Earth.

Enjoy this special holiday. Give your loved ones a big hug, and take a quiet moment, if you can find one, to thank god for all your blessings.

And if someone steals your parking space at the mall, don't give them the finger. Just lean out your car window and wish them a "Happy Christmas."

And then, after they've gone into the mall, pour a milkshake all over their windshield.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Have yourself a merry little breakdown...

So after school yesterday, my six year old daughter Catherine told me a lovely Christmas story.

"Mommy, Christopher's mom is in the hospital. They were at their new house that they are building...she is really happy about the new house even though their dad ordered it. Well, she started acting really crazy, even though she wasn't drunk. Then she fainted. Now she's in the hospital."

Hmmm..1 huge house under construction...4 kids, 3 days before Christmas...mommy acts really nutty and passes out.

Now I'm not one to pry, but it sounds like SOMEONE could use a little Xanax. Or a few days of rest in a very special hospital. It really is perfect timing. It sounds like this woman is a genius.

Do you think they might have a room for me? ;)

Tis The Season to Plagiarize a Vent...

Since I'm so busy reflecting on the meaning of this wonderful season and the wonder of God's greatest gift to mankind...I'm too frazzled to write my vent, (right now) so in the meantime...here are some holiday rants I found on the internet...stay tuned for the Caffeine Court holiday rag...coming real soon to a computer screen near you!!! Remember...these are not written by me. (Mine is much worse...)

Christmas is great I guess if you're either a little kid or you're rich and can through money around on crap. None of those applies to me. I had wonderful warm family Christmases growing up...but those days are behind me now. If you love Christmas...good for you, seriously. No offense. I'm just venting here.

Buying shit. Having to buy shit. Not being able to afford shit. Charging shit. Returning shit. Buying shit to wrap shit in.

Holiday parties. I'm sorry.....no. Not for me. I spend 40 hrs a week with you motherf**kers and it's a treat for me to have to bring food from home that I have to spend money on and make and eat your funky ass food and pretend to like it and sit around together and make small talk and play little get to know you games and shit while I have an anxiety attack? How about this? NO. Why is it a custom to be forced to hang out with people I don't want to really on holidays? I'd rather just watch TV and smoke dope.

Eggnog. Yeah, I know lots of people like this shit, but I personally find eggs in general completely disgusting. A drink? F-ck no. Get your stinking eggnog away from me.

Christmas cards. I hate buying them, signing them, mailing them and getting them...well sorta. I mean it's kind of a nice thought...but again, it's spending money on a stupid thing just because and it's just gets either thrown out or recycled. A waste. Most people can't even write something original...it's printed on there for them and they just sign it. Wow...sincere.

I hate getting forced to attend midnight mass by my drunken Catholic relatives every Christmas eve.

Wow!! These people are bitter!!!

Have it YOUR way!

I only have one post left in me before Christmas, and I want to give my reader's what they want, just like my third favorite fast food restaurant Burger King.

So, here are you choices...

Would you like me to write a holiday gratitude post about all my Christmas blessings?

Or should I reveal my holiday stress/PMS angst with a holiday vent?

Remember...gratitude posts never get me into trouble. Vents are dangerous territory.

I'll leave it in your hands.