The Zen of Ikea

A friend of mine went to Ikea to buy her daughter a bed. Upon assembly, she realized she was missing a part. DAMN.

How frustrating!!!

After schlepping 45 minutes to the store , unloading the car and starting the assembly process, the last thing my friend wanted to do was to drive all the way back to the store for a bolt. She decided to go to the Ikea website to order the missing part. It was on that website that she met Anna...the world's most serene (and animated, literally) customer service rep.

When my friend asked Anna for a part, she was instructed that if she needed a part mailed to her, she would need quite a bit of detailed information to including a part number to get her missing piece. At that point, my friend lost her patience and snapped at Anna. " F--k you", she typed.

Anna didn't miss a beat. Her response..."sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Now, how may I assist you?"

Wow. You go Anna. Way to deflect a bully!!! My friend was so amused by Anna's response that she laughed and provided Anna with the information she required, which goes to show that we should never answer and angry word with an angry word. Had Anna reacted in a hostile way to my friend's attack, it could have escalated into a dangerous situation. Luckily Anna kept a cool head, and the story had a happy ending.

I decided to go to the website and try to engage Anna in an altercation.

"I hate you." I typed...

Anna's response.

"If I have unintentionally offended you then I apologize. If you think that I am not providing you with useful information about Ikea, please go to your nearest Ikea store."'

I complimented her...

"You're pretty. Are you single?" Hmm...what prompted me to type that??? Am I secretly gay?!

Anna was all business...(although she did bat her eyelashes and grin.) "I don't really want to talk about personal issues, like marriage. If you would like to talk about Ikea, that would be much better."


Wow. That Anna is the Gandhi of our generation.

Since messing with Anna Ikea is so much more fun than folding laundry, I continued to taunt Anna for a half hour. What fun I had!

Try it. Head on over the Ikea website and give Anna a shout. She's the most pleasant person you'll deal with all day.

I was so impressed with her poise and sense of humor, that Anna Ikea and I are now Facebook friends, which in my world is the highest compliment you can pay a person.

Anna Ikea.

A true woman of substance.

Full contact tennis

I haven't written a good tennis post in awhile, but something somewhat exciting actually happened today, so I thought I'd share.

I like my tennis like I like my men, fast and hard. (Ha ha...just kidding Mom.) But seriously, I like a lively game of doubles, and today was no exception.

I was playing with a group of friends and we were having a jolly good time smashing overheads, rushing the net, and going for the gusto...it was all fun and games, until someone got hurt.

Unfortunately, that person was one of the nicest, most beloved people at the tennis club, and I was the one who hurt her.

Just shoot me.

It all happened so quickly, I hit a driving forehand from the baseline when my dear friend stormed the net, the next thing I know, my ball SLAMMED into her eye, she yelped in pain and hit the ground. I was scared.

I ran to get help and an ice pack. When I returned to the court I got my first look at the damage.

It wasn't pretty.

She had a shiner that would put Mike Tyson to shame and broken blood vessels in her eye that looked very, VERY, painful.

I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I nursed her wound, and brought her a cookie and offered to drive her to the doctor. She refused my offer and went on her own.

Luckily her eye is okay. No scratched cornea, no detached retina, a bit of concern ABOUT THE BLEEDING, so she will return to the doctor tomorrow morning for a follow up.

This kind of stuff happens in the dog eat dog world of housewife afternoon tennis. I know that. Next time, it could be me, face down on the court, crying in pain. I accept the risks, and I will return to the courts this Thursday, ready to face the dangers that await me.

I leave you with a sports prayer...

God, let me play well but fairly.
Help me to learn something that matters
once the game is over.
Let competition make me strong but never hostile.
Always let me help my opponent up.
Never catch me rejoicing in the adversity of others.
If I know victory, allow me to be happy; if I am denied, keep me from envy.
Remind me that sports are just games.
If through athletics I set an example,
let it be a good one.

And please Lord, let my friend forgive me for bashing her in her eyeball and making her bleed.

Amen.

Drunken Beauty

I want you to know that I washed my hair today, and IT WAS AWESOME.

I might just need to walk around with frizzed out hair, faded color and dry scalp because I looove getting my skull all lathered up. I can't help it, it's just who I am.

Okay, onto the face.

I was just reading a some helpful beauty hints in Self Magazine. Apparently if you go out and get drunk, your eyes are going to look puffy the next day. (You are also going to smell really bad and be a real bitch to hang out with...)

Their advice...after you tie one on, stagger to the kitchen and drink LOTS of water., you might puke it up, but keep hydrating until you can't stand it anymore. When you've finished chugging agua, crawl up to the bathroom and remove your eye makeup thoroughly. If you are still able to stand, apply a moisturizing eye cream. Follow this advice and no one will be able to tell you have a drinking problem the next day.

Yeah right.

Let's have a show of hands. How many of you drink lots of water, remove all your makeup and moisturize your eyes when you're sober? If you do...BRAVO. I'll bet you look like a supermodel, cook healthy meals for your family every night and run 5 miles every morning. You're so perfect that you've never drank a whole bottle of Southern Comfort and then passed out in the bushes in front of Denny's.

But I digress.

That concludes Beauty Week here at Caffeine Court.

Who knows what next week holds. I'm always open to suggestions...

Have a beautiful weekend.

DON'T lather, rinse, repeat...

I just gave the bathroom the Tilex tootbrush treatment, and I'm a bit loopy, so bear with me.

Today we are going to turn our attention to hair care.

Ever since I was a teenager I have washed my hair every day. Every once in awhile I would skip a day, but for the most part I felt weird if I didn't lather up each morning.

Last week I went to a beauty supply store to buy a dandruff shampoo for color treated hair and I was approached by the store owner. She was quite the inquisitive lady. When I told her what I was looking for she requested that I allow her to do a full scalp and hair examination.

She lifted my hair and dug through the roots. It was a bit unnerving, but after her evaluation she asked me how often I wash. When I told her she exclaimed, "THAT is your problem! You are drying out your scalp and hair with all your scrubbing and blow drying. You CANNOT wash your hair every day! You should wash it at the most twice a week."

Shocking, but very compelling. It made sense. She put the dandruff shampoo back on the shelf and handed me a chemical free scalp and hair leave on conditioner. She told me to massage my scalp every morning, then take a shower, RINSE my hair with clear water and then apply the leave on conditioner. Once or twice a week I can shampoo.

I agreed to try it and report back in a month with my results.

When I returned home I did some Googling and came up with some interesting information. Washing your hair once a week is actually CHIC! Who knew?

Check out this article from the New York Times..."Of Course I Washed My Hair Last Year (I’m Almost Certain)".

A little oil is good for your hair and scalp.

Fascinating.

So, did you know about this? How often do you wash your hair?

I'm so glad I let that lady pick at my scalp like a monkey.

I think she changed my life.

Beauty Week

I have declared this week "Beauty Week" here at Caffeine Court. (Unless, of course, something really hilarious or interesting happens to me, which is highly unlikely.)

Anyway, I'm going to dedicate this week's posts to the topic of vanity.

Today I will tell you about a new product my sister turned me on to.

OPI's Axxium Gel manicure. These little tubs of color are made from the same substance as the acrylic nails. The difference is that these gels are thinner than their early counterparts and are pliable as regular polish, therefore look more natural and real.

They also form a bond to the nail after being set with a UV light and can be painted over with regular polish if you want to change it up! The process takes about an hour, but my nails looked perfect for 2 weeks. The only drawback is that you have to go back and get them filled every 2-3 weeks, or soak them in a special remover for 15 minutes. Bummer.

I chose a very light color, very similar to Essie's Ballet Slippers and it looked fabulous.

I absolutely hate sitting for a manicure, but I like my nails to look well groomed, so this is the perfect solution.

The whole process set me back about $35.

If you've tried it, let me know what you think. If you haven't, give it a shot!

Once again, that's OPI's new Axxium Gel.

As always, I have not been paid for this review, but I would love to get some perks for writing this blog, so if you have any cool stuff you want to give me in exchange for a review, I'm IN!!!

You won't believe who I just saw!!

A Caffeine Court exclusive!!

Zac Efron from "High School Musical" taking care of some business.

You won't find this in the National Enquirer, this photo is exclusive to this blog.

Stay tuned for more hot celebrity sightings...

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About "Whispering Stick Punishment" but were Afraid to Ask!

In my last post I told you some of the keywords that led readers to my blog. One of the strangest was "Whispering Stick Punishment." I was puzzled. Is this some kinky sex act? A gentle, yet firm method of training dogs? I couldn't figure it out, soooo, I did what my readers did.

I Googled it...and this is what I found:

Life in Colonial Times

Punishments for Kids

In colonial times teachers could punish their pupils badly. Sometimes a child would be punished by having to wear a card with an insult on it. For example, this child’s insult was “Bite Finger Baby” because he bit his finger or fingernails in class. Another punishment for students was having to sit at the back of the room where there was no heat because they were disruptive in class. If students were caught whispering in class they would get something called a whispering stick. A whispering stick was a round piece of wood which would get stuffed in a child’s mouth so it was hard to talk. A very serious punishment was when the teacher took a student outside and burned their ankles with a magnifying glass. Children in colonial times probably didn’t enjoy school as much as children today.

Mystery solved.

A long time ago I did, in fact, write a post about the school punishment in Colonial times, and now, if some child Googles it, he or she will find my blog. Perhaps that child will show it to his mother and she will enjoy it so much that she will follow my blog and click on my ads.

She will spread the word and tell all her friends who will do the same.

The checks will come pouring in, and my husband will grin from ear to ear whenever he sees me on my laptop, because he will know that I am being productive and contributing to the family with my very lucrative blogging skills.

All my dreams will come true because a long, long, time ago, I wrote an educational post.

Ain't life grand?