The Greatest Gift of All

My birthday and Mother's Day fall within the same week and I came up with the BEST gift idea.

For an entire week, my husband cannot complain about the house being messy. It starts today and goes until next Tuesday. (When my cleaning lady comes!!!)

He's agreed to it, so the deal is done.

This is going to be the best week of my life!

Critical Mass

My skin has reached the Michael Jackson Vitiligo stage, my hair is a stringy mess of layers and my house looks like an episode of Oprah where she humiliates people who's lives have gotten out of control.

Today is the day to change all that. I have a hair appointment at 10, my cleaning lady arrives at noon, and a spray tan at 2.

After I put a band aid on this mess, I will proceed to get to the nitty gritty of purging old winter clothes, paying bills and filing all the important documents lying in piles around the kitchen.

It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it.

I seriously think I have to let myself go. Keeping up the hair, working out, all that shit. Too time consuming. Waste of time. If I could just let go of the VANITY!!!

Gotta go. Time to clean up the mess that is currently my life.

The drudgery of housework...

I'm totally swamped...so I thought I'd dig out one of the first posts I ever did...

I love staying home with my girls-but one of the toughest parts of my job is THE HOUSEWORK. I try to make it fun-and to enjoy the process. I read books on Buddhism and try to enjoy the feel of the sponge in my hand as a scrub the shower, the humming sound of the vacuum, the smell of Pledge. Unfortunately I have "Monkey Mind" and have the attention span of a squirrel. I try to motivate myself with rewards. "If I can unload the dishwasher and put away all the dishes in one session-I can call my sister." "If I can clean all the windows in the family room-I can read the newspaper."

I try to see housework as exercise. Deep knee bends when picking up toys-STRETCH to reach cobwebs-SPRINT up and down stairs tending to requests for sippy cups or popcorn while attempting to reorganize a closet or make a bed.

In order to motivate myself I try to tell myself that I really LOVE having a clean sparkling house. That I take pride in having spotless baseboards and shiny granite counter tops. Not that I am simply trying to avoid the browbeating I will receive when my husband returns from work and exclaims-"What did you do all day!!!!?"

So here I sit at my computer-surrounded by dust bunnies, Barbies and dog hair. I guess I should get to work-but first I need to check my e-mail!!!

Real Housewives Newsflash!!! Jill Zarin Yearbook Photo

I have just received an urgent e-mail from my friend Mitch who grew up on LOOONG ISLAND, and he went to high school with none other than Jill Zarin from Real Housewives!!

He was kind enough to scan her high school yearbook picture for the Caffeine Court readers...

Here it is ladies...

Remember, you saw it here first! Keep stopping by for all the latest celebrity gossip!!!

Do my Clementines make you horny baby???!

Yesterday I was innocently shopping in the produce aisle at the local supermarket.

I wanted to get some Golden Delicious apples, but the store manager and a delivery man were standing in my way. I stood politely waiting for them to notice me.

The store manager finally looked up at me and said "Sorry! You should have pushed us out of your way!"

"I'm non-violent, I wouldn't want to hurt you." was my witty reply.

The delivery man, who looked like the motorcycle dude from The Village People stepped up close to me. Too close. He looked me right in the eye and said. "I'd let you hurt me if you want." EWWWWW! I scooped up a few apples and moved on to the next section. Village Dude followed me.

As I approached the Clementines he stepped in front of me and got really close again. In a seductive voice he purred, "There's a special on Clementines today..." I felt the bile rise in my throat. No Clementines for me today!! I needed cucumbers too, but I didn't DARE give him the opportunity to discuss cucumbers with me. Melons, bananas, nothing was safe.

I decided to get the hell out of the produce section and into the safety of the meat aisle. Luckily the butcher is a polite guy who leaves the housewives alone.

I've been hit on by some yucky dudes, in bars, when I was 25. That was part of the fun. Having some washed up pop star discussing how much fun it would be to hurt him at the supermarket. Not my idea of a good time.

Peapod is delivering in my area. I think I'll have to try it, and pray that Village Dude doesn't have a second job.

Dirty Laundry

I have been doing my own laundry since 7th grade, which means I have 30 years of experience with the old "wash and fold."  

I've tried all different detergents and folding styles, and FINALLY I have perfected a formula for laundry that looks and smells FANTASTIC.

Since I like you, I'm going to share my that formula with you.  Trust me.  You're going to love this.

Here it is:

Liquid Tide   PLUS    Downy Fabric Softener in the washer

PLUS Bounce Sheets in the dryer

 

PLUS

The FlipFold folding tool.

Equals:  Laundry Nirvana

I kid you not when I tell you that this baby is the coolest.  It folds my laundry to perfection.  Just flip, flip, flip and fold!!!  It's only $18.99 and worth every penny.

So there you have it.  

Who knew that reading my blog could change your life?  

Trust me. If you use my formula, your will find sheer happiness and bliss every time you open your dresser drawers.

No need to thank me.  I'm here to help.

Diary of a Mad Housewife aka "Help! I'm drowning in Polly Pockets!!"

As you recall, I posted last Monday about how much I look forward to the end of the weekend. Well I started feeling it again this weekend. I was so frustrated!!!

My husband had prepared some elaborate recipes and left the kitchen a huge mess, my children had friends over and trashed the house. there were books, puzzles, dishes and clothes everywhere.

As I looked around I felt a tightening in my throat. I seriously felt like FREAKING OUT. I almost pulled a "Thelma and Louise." Can't you picture it? Me in my Toyota Minivan, cruising down the highway music blaring, smoking a Marlboro and drinking an ice cold brewsky? I sure can.

I was ragging BIG TIME. I heard myself saying things my mom used to say..."I'm not the maid around here!" "All I ever do is pick up after you people!" Real attractive.

It dawned on me that my weekends should be a time of joy, not anger. So I pulled a George Costanza and yelled, "SERENITY NOW!!" It didn't work.

Then I did something my father used to do. I corralled my daughters upstairs and made them pitch in and clean up the ungodly mess they had made. They bitched the entire time and I pointed out to them that their anger and annoyance was pretty much what I feel everyday.

I blame myself for this dilemma. I have been picking up after my daughters since they were born. I do it myself because it's easier that way. Unfortunately it's backfiring.

It's time for a rude awakening, not just for me, for my whole family. My mission, is to get this house organized so that my children know where everything goes. I need a shelf for games, a drawer for arts and craft supplies, specific drawers for socks. You organized people know all about this. It sounds so logical!

Unfortunately for me, organization has NEVER been my strong suit. And it's seriously driving me nuts.

I am so happy when I'm out and about, running errands, going to the supermarket or the bank, but when I step into this house and try to figure out where everything goes, WHAM, I get really tense. I refuse to pay someone $80 an hour to help me sort through the stuff. I need to find the discipline to do it myself.

So, I'm declaring next month "Get my shit together month!" (Sorry I can't do it this week, I have a field trip, I'm in charge of a kindergarten "getting to know you" breakfast, and my daughter's Halloween party at school on Friday. So get off my back!! Oops sorry.)

As of November 1st I'm going to do an organization project each and every day, and I'm going to post pictures just to motivate myself. I'm going to need lots of postitive feedback and encouragement if I do something good. If you aren't hearing about progress it means I'm slacking, and you need to call me on it!!!

Is that too much to ask of you?

Clean Enough to be Healthy

Have you ever seen this saying..."This house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy."

I love this saying because it really sums up my attitude on housework. Right now my house is in a state of complete disarray. Why? Because my daughters and I have been busy enjoying the summer. Playdates, birthday parties, movie night at the beach, tennis...all these activities take alot out of us...ALL of us.

In order for my house to be in pristine shape, with all the laundry folded and put away, I would have to either hire a maid, or sit my daughters in front of the TV or computer all day while I attempt to make my house look like a page out of "Better Homes and Gardens."

Housework was never my specialty and after 10 years of marriage and 9 years of motherhood, my domestic skills have improved dramatically, but I'm still no June Cleaver.

As long as my house is clean enough to be healthy, I can deal with the sand from the beach, the hair from the dogs and the crayons on the kitchen table. These are all proof that my daughters are having a summer filled with great memories...the Windex can wait.

American Idle

Moving right along here...let's talk about the sin I'm second most guilty of-SLOTH. The Webster's dictionary definition of sloth is "Disinclination to action or labor, sluggishness, laziness, idleness."

If we were to go by that definition, I am in fact, not sloth like. I love to play tennis, blog, run around town doing errands, arrange flowers, cut the grass and volunteer for various school activities. I would say my sin is SELECTIVE SLOTH.

There are certain duties that take every ounce of my energy and discipline to complete. One example is finishing laundry, I have no problem washing clothes and getting them into the dryer, folding them is a little harder, but I usually manage to get it done. It's PUTTING THE LAUNDRY AWAY that I suck at. I just can't seem to finish the job. It's a curse.

Another example of this is mailing birthday cards. I call people on their birthdays and when I see them I always have a gift that I put a great deal of thought into. For some reason I just can't get my sh--t together enough to buy a card, write a note in it, look up the address, write it, put a stamp on it, and mail it.

There are countless examples of this SELECTIVE SLOTH in my life. Much to my husband's chagrin. The biggest thorn in his side are 3 large Rubbermaid containers in our bedroom, full of clothing he wants me to sort through. As much as I'd like to just toss them, I'm afraid there might be something worth keeping in them, so there they sit, untouched and my husband is ready to flip his lid. I tell him to practice the art of meditation and inner peace. That when he sees these containers he should recite the Serenity Prayer,

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

And he can add these lines:

When I married my wife,
I knew she was not organized,
nor was she a great housekeeper.
Thank you oh Lord,
for the great strides she has made
in our ten years of marriage.
May she continue on her quest
for order and cleanliness
and someday, if it be your will,
may she clean out these Rubbermaid containers
and remove them from our marital chamber

AMEN

Luckily I do manage to do the important stuff like feeding and bathing my children, keeping them and myself, healthy, making sure they they get to school everyday and that they learn how to be productive members of society.

So I won't be too hard on myself, after all, in the words of the Queen of Sloth, Roseanne,

"There's alot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of alot more to being a mother than people suspect."

Amen to that sister.

Scrolling Sunday-Hot wax...

Here's a post from September...my quest for organization never ends. Yesterday Brad cleaned my walk in closet for me!!! Which made me pretty hot! (Or at least very grateful!)

"Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum* - "My God, the floor's immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch."

~Joan Rivers

*Except my husband!

~Jill from Caffeine Court

THIS I want for Christmas!

Not the book, the actual "House That Cleans Itself!"

I am very thankful that I can stay home and take care of my kids-that's the wonderful part of being a SAHM. The horrible part for me-the CONSTANT cycle of cook, cleanup, wash, fold, put away, vacuum, dust, pickup, blah, blah, blah-REPEAT!!!

Yeah-I know I shouldn't complain. My husband's life consists of waking up REALLY early (5:45 am to be exact) dress, drive to Newark NJ, deal with shit all day, drive home down Garden State Parkway, get home at 8-eat, watch TV go to bed, REPEAT!!!! All to support his tennis loving wife (who hates to clean) two adorable daughters (who LOVE Webkinz) two hungry dogs, (who need shots, boarding and LOTS of dog food) and one cat who ruined his dining room rug.

Who has it better? Don't answer.

Anyway-"The House That Cleans Itself" (the book) is available at Amazon.com. The real "House That Cleans Itself" is available only in my dreams!

MRS. Clean and Green

This is for all you Happy Housewives out there. I'm still working getting on my rug. (You might recall my cat pee situation.) Anyway, I'm always looking for ways to clean my carpets and I came across this website. There are some great suggestions in here and they are all natural which is a bonus.

I like this one. I'll never do it, but I like it:
Spin-Fresh Bathroom Deodorizer
Add a couple of drops of your favorite essential oil to the inside of the cardboard toilet tissue roll. With each turn, fragrance is released into the room.

How about this classic suggestion: Simply light a match for a few moments or burn a candle (scented or unscented). The flame from either will "eat-up" bad smelling gases in the air.

I remember in college everyone I know had a pack of matches on the back of their toilet. Yeah, yeah, you don't have to say it...too much information!

After you read this you'll want to go to Costco and buy white vinegar and baking soda in bulk. Not as much fun as going to Nordstrom, but think of how proud you'll be to have sparkling clean floors and a garbage disposal that smells like lemon and eucalyptus!

I know what you're thinking and yes, housework is my life.

Stuff

I used this as the quote of the day a while ago:

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. –George Carlin

Of course I think it's funny-but I have to say that in so many cases it's sadly true. While cleaning out my closet I thought about how hard we work to accumulate and maintain our material goods. It really is a drag. On the one hand, I love nice furniture, having a home with room for company, living in a great town. On the other hand, the clothes must be ironed, or dry cleaned, rooms painted and repainted, window treatments purchased. The list goes on and on. By the time you get your to-do list done, something else is in disrepair. What is the solution? Do we all become monks and live in pristine rooms with only a mattress on the floor? It hardly seems realistic!

I don't know the answer, but I am trying to do my part in a very suburban way. No more Target trips for awhile. It's too tempting and I can't leave the store with less than $200 worth of STUFF in my cart. Absolutely no trips to the dollar store. All that comes home is CRAPPY STUFF that clutters up the playroom and gets chewed up by the dogs. I've got to break my daughter of her Webkinz obsession. They are overtaking her room and getting on my nerves!

As for clothes, I stopped reading Lucky Magazine. I love fashion and I get a kick out of trying the latest trends. The fact of the matter is I'm not in a position financially to make frivolous purchases. This magazine which touts itself as "The magazine about SHOPPING and style" prods me to do just that, SHOP...and I don't need the temptation. Besides, while cleaning out my closet I discovered lots of adorable things that I had completely forgotten about. That should hold me over through the fall!

When we renovated our house two years ago we threw out PILES of toys and clothes. It was such a relief to rid ourselves of the clutter. I come from a long line of shoppers and pack rats. I think it's in my DNA to go to Marshalls, AC Moore and Toys R Us, which makes me all the more determined to practice self-control and find a diversion (caffeine, blogging, playing with the girls) when I want to venture out for more STUFF.

I'll leave you with this:

We don't need to increase our goods nearly as much as we need to scale down our wants. Not wanting something is as good as possessing it. ~Donald Horban

There's a Nightmare in my Closet...

As you may or may not know. My walk-in closet has been a source of angst for me for quite some time now. It really is a nightmare.

Today I felt ready to conquer the clutter. I entered the closet armed with determination and trash bags. What I discovered simultaneously shocked and delighted me! Coupled with old receipts, shopping bags, sippy cups and unmatched socks was a treasure trove of items I had forgotten about! Awesome jeans that fit perfectly, tank tops that I've never worn, adorable sweaters I can wear when the temperature drops below 80 degrees. I was so happy I decided to run to my computer and write about it!

But seriously, I made some headway today. It was a big step for me, and now that I've gone in and faced the monster, I'm not so scared. It almost gives me enough courage to sort out my junk drawer!

Desperately seeking focus...

Desperate Housewife update: Still not in the shower. Catherine and I planted 100 daffodil bulbs in the backyard. I wasn’t wearing a wide brimmed hat, but I did feel very serene and we had some nice mother daughter moments.

I decided that since I’m all gross and sweaty I might as well take another crack at the rug my cat peed on. It’s now on my screened in porch. I’m not giving up on it and the smell is MUCH better…but not gone yet. DAMN!

I also put away some laundry, cleaned out some drawers, played “dog” with Catherine, had her friend Brynn over for a play date , unloaded the dishwasher, sent a couple e-mails and vacuumed the family room and made ONE Bed. I also made lunch, cleaned up from lunch, called my contractor, emptied wastepaper baskets, picked up dog poop from the yard, watered all the plants-you get the picture! I told you I have ADD!

I feel like Eloise at the Plaza. Remember those little red lines that followed her as she bounced from one thing to another?

Now it's time to get in the shower (I can't wait) and beautify!! I'm picking Meg up from school and I don't want to embarrass her in front of her friends!

Urine Trouble

This is my favorite time of the year. I love fall. The air is crisp, it's time to go apple and pumpkin picking. My kids are excited to be back to school. But there is something someone tarnishing, or should I say stinking up my bliss. My kitty cat. He has recurring bladder problems and it's back with a vengeance.

He seems to favor my eldest daughter's room and our dining room This time he chose the dining room rug. In between fun family activities I have spent the day treating, blotting, scrubbing and repeating. I have gone through two bottles of very expensive enzyme cleaners and rented a professional grade carpet shampooer.

My husband has had it. If he had his druthers Mickey (my cat) would be on death row. The kids and I love the cat so much-and I can't stand the thought of terminating the life of such a wonderful pet. I won't even get into all of his positive attributes. Let's just say that other than this recurring problem he is the best cat I've ever had.

News flash: As I was typing the last sentence-I noticed an odor. I thought it was my imagination, but upon further investigation I discovered cat pee on a coloring book my little one left on the floor. GROSS! I'll admit, I'm freaking out. Tomorrow, if I can manage to get him in his cat carrier, Mickey is going to the vet. Who will ask for a SAMPLE of my cat's urine. (Fat chance of getting that.) I will then receive medicine that will require me to tackle my cat with a towel, wrestle him like an alligator and hold his mouth open while my husband attempts to squirt said medicine into his throat. Oh the joys of pet ownership. Maybe it worked out okay that I only had two children. These pets are wearing me down!

Back to work.

Ouch

I made a very big scheduling mistake yesterday. I agreed to play four hours of tennis. Noon until two. (An hour with a pro an hour of ladies' doubles.) Then 8-10 PM mixed doubles. (With men who SMASH the ball!)

Today my 42 year old muscles and joints are soooo sore.

This is a day when I need to suck it up and push myself. I can't let my leisure activities interfere with my motherly responsibilities.

I have to admit that in a perfect world I would get a massage, sit in a hot tub and nap all afternoon. In my world, I'll take an Advil, watch Spongebob with my 4-year old. (my rest time) Then go to the supermarket (the cupboard is bare), put away laundry and try to straighten the absolute disaster this house has become post-cleaning frenzy. (See my post from Tuesday.)
Wish me luck!

Update: Wow-what a difference a couple of hours makes. I took my Advil and plopped myself on the couch with Catherine to watch Spongebob (which is a really funny show by the way.) She was thrilled that I joined her, since I don't usually sit and watch TV in the morning. (Instead I sit on the computer.)

She could tell I was hurting-so she kept applying Chapstick to my lips (I have no idea why-but I didn't care) and rubbing my head. 45 minutes later I stood up and a miraculous change had occurred. I'm still a bit sore-but completely revived. YAY! I was getting a little worried. I'm getting older, but 4 hours of tennis shouldn't make me feel like I fell down a flight of stairs. Now it's time to take on the day!

Daub & Bauble

I just bought the most amazing smelling and beautifully packaged dish detergent. It's made by Daub & Bauble. Check out the website for store locations. I purchased mine at Sickles Market in Little Silver NJ.

I chose the Mission Fig & Thyme fragrance-it's heavenly. They also have Sorrento Lemon & Ginger and Tarocco Orange & Clove.

This is the bottle:


Here are some of the design choices:

Using this detergent actually makes washing dishes an enjoyable tolerable experience!
(Hey look at me-I'm getting fancy-now I can use the strikethrough font!)

Panic and Procrastination

Brad (my husband) has been away on a business trip for 3 days. It's been a whirlwind of ordering pizzas and not vacuuming. It is now Friday at noon-his arrival home is imminent. The thing is...he's unpredictable. He could walk in any second-or arrive at 8 tonight. I've tried calling-but if I know him-his cell phone is out of power and he forgot his charger. If he gets home at 8-it's cool. If he walks in now-I'm in BIG trouble. This house looks like I just threw a frat party.

I'm a bit overwhelmed. (Which explains the blogging). I do have some errands to run. Should I leave the house and take a chance that he'll walk into this carnage?

What is a slacker mom to do???

News flash: Brad called at 12:30 on my cell phone-he told me he would be working for at least a couple more hours and would arrive home around 6. He then proceeded to "surprise" us by arriving at 3! I think he was more surprised then me! I had to charm him with my feminine whiles in order to distract him from the disarray. Mission accomplished. ( A little too much information huh?)