Drunken Beauty

I want you to know that I washed my hair today, and IT WAS AWESOME.

I might just need to walk around with frizzed out hair, faded color and dry scalp because I looove getting my skull all lathered up. I can't help it, it's just who I am.

Okay, onto the face.

I was just reading a some helpful beauty hints in Self Magazine. Apparently if you go out and get drunk, your eyes are going to look puffy the next day. (You are also going to smell really bad and be a real bitch to hang out with...)

Their advice...after you tie one on, stagger to the kitchen and drink LOTS of water., you might puke it up, but keep hydrating until you can't stand it anymore. When you've finished chugging agua, crawl up to the bathroom and remove your eye makeup thoroughly. If you are still able to stand, apply a moisturizing eye cream. Follow this advice and no one will be able to tell you have a drinking problem the next day.

Yeah right.

Let's have a show of hands. How many of you drink lots of water, remove all your makeup and moisturize your eyes when you're sober? If you do...BRAVO. I'll bet you look like a supermodel, cook healthy meals for your family every night and run 5 miles every morning. You're so perfect that you've never drank a whole bottle of Southern Comfort and then passed out in the bushes in front of Denny's.

But I digress.

That concludes Beauty Week here at Caffeine Court.

Who knows what next week holds. I'm always open to suggestions...

Have a beautiful weekend.

DON'T lather, rinse, repeat...

I just gave the bathroom the Tilex tootbrush treatment, and I'm a bit loopy, so bear with me.

Today we are going to turn our attention to hair care.

Ever since I was a teenager I have washed my hair every day. Every once in awhile I would skip a day, but for the most part I felt weird if I didn't lather up each morning.

Last week I went to a beauty supply store to buy a dandruff shampoo for color treated hair and I was approached by the store owner. She was quite the inquisitive lady. When I told her what I was looking for she requested that I allow her to do a full scalp and hair examination.

She lifted my hair and dug through the roots. It was a bit unnerving, but after her evaluation she asked me how often I wash. When I told her she exclaimed, "THAT is your problem! You are drying out your scalp and hair with all your scrubbing and blow drying. You CANNOT wash your hair every day! You should wash it at the most twice a week."

Shocking, but very compelling. It made sense. She put the dandruff shampoo back on the shelf and handed me a chemical free scalp and hair leave on conditioner. She told me to massage my scalp every morning, then take a shower, RINSE my hair with clear water and then apply the leave on conditioner. Once or twice a week I can shampoo.

I agreed to try it and report back in a month with my results.

When I returned home I did some Googling and came up with some interesting information. Washing your hair once a week is actually CHIC! Who knew?

Check out this article from the New York Times..."Of Course I Washed My Hair Last Year (I’m Almost Certain)".

A little oil is good for your hair and scalp.

Fascinating.

So, did you know about this? How often do you wash your hair?

I'm so glad I let that lady pick at my scalp like a monkey.

I think she changed my life.

Beauty Week

I have declared this week "Beauty Week" here at Caffeine Court. (Unless, of course, something really hilarious or interesting happens to me, which is highly unlikely.)

Anyway, I'm going to dedicate this week's posts to the topic of vanity.

Today I will tell you about a new product my sister turned me on to.

OPI's Axxium Gel manicure. These little tubs of color are made from the same substance as the acrylic nails. The difference is that these gels are thinner than their early counterparts and are pliable as regular polish, therefore look more natural and real.

They also form a bond to the nail after being set with a UV light and can be painted over with regular polish if you want to change it up! The process takes about an hour, but my nails looked perfect for 2 weeks. The only drawback is that you have to go back and get them filled every 2-3 weeks, or soak them in a special remover for 15 minutes. Bummer.

I chose a very light color, very similar to Essie's Ballet Slippers and it looked fabulous.

I absolutely hate sitting for a manicure, but I like my nails to look well groomed, so this is the perfect solution.

The whole process set me back about $35.

If you've tried it, let me know what you think. If you haven't, give it a shot!

Once again, that's OPI's new Axxium Gel.

As always, I have not been paid for this review, but I would love to get some perks for writing this blog, so if you have any cool stuff you want to give me in exchange for a review, I'm IN!!!

You won't believe who I just saw!!

A Caffeine Court exclusive!!

Zac Efron from "High School Musical" taking care of some business.

You won't find this in the National Enquirer, this photo is exclusive to this blog.

Stay tuned for more hot celebrity sightings...

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About "Whispering Stick Punishment" but were Afraid to Ask!

In my last post I told you some of the keywords that led readers to my blog. One of the strangest was "Whispering Stick Punishment." I was puzzled. Is this some kinky sex act? A gentle, yet firm method of training dogs? I couldn't figure it out, soooo, I did what my readers did.

I Googled it...and this is what I found:

Life in Colonial Times

Punishments for Kids

In colonial times teachers could punish their pupils badly. Sometimes a child would be punished by having to wear a card with an insult on it. For example, this child’s insult was “Bite Finger Baby” because he bit his finger or fingernails in class. Another punishment for students was having to sit at the back of the room where there was no heat because they were disruptive in class. If students were caught whispering in class they would get something called a whispering stick. A whispering stick was a round piece of wood which would get stuffed in a child’s mouth so it was hard to talk. A very serious punishment was when the teacher took a student outside and burned their ankles with a magnifying glass. Children in colonial times probably didn’t enjoy school as much as children today.

Mystery solved.

A long time ago I did, in fact, write a post about the school punishment in Colonial times, and now, if some child Googles it, he or she will find my blog. Perhaps that child will show it to his mother and she will enjoy it so much that she will follow my blog and click on my ads.

She will spread the word and tell all her friends who will do the same.

The checks will come pouring in, and my husband will grin from ear to ear whenever he sees me on my laptop, because he will know that I am being productive and contributing to the family with my very lucrative blogging skills.

All my dreams will come true because a long, long, time ago, I wrote an educational post.

Ain't life grand?

Time again for another episode of "Google Analytics!!"

It's been awhile since I've checked out my Google Analytics stats and now I remember why I don't look very often!

Depressing!!

My readership is down 9.6% from last month. If this blog were a job, I'd be out on my heinie!!!

I took a peek at some of the keywords that led leaders to my very unpopular blog.

Other than the obvious, "caffeine" or "tennis", here are a few of the latest and greatest.

Stale Blog (Yeah, no sh*t, I'm a Farmville obsessed suburban housewife, nothing exciting ever happens to me. I guess I need to start making up some good stories to keep it "fresh!")

Gay intercourse (Did I ever post about gay intercourse? Refresh my memory here, I don't remember a gay intercourse post! Although that sure would be "fresh!")

little elves sound scary (they ARE scary. I'm so glad my "elf on the shelf" is locked in a safe until next Christmas...I do NOT trust him I tell you. He's evil.)

sloth as a sin (you came to the right place!!!)

tennis player's Brazilian wax (a more accurate description would be "tennis player's untamed mound." KIDDING!!! I wonder how long it will take for my mom to call me and command me to take this post down!)

and finally...

whispering stick punishment (I have no idea what that is...I have a few ideas though, and I don't like that people who Google "whispering stick punishment" are reading my blog. If you got here via that route, please go away, and don't come back!)

That's all I've got...

V.D.

Now that I have your attention...only one more day until Valentine's Day and you would think I would get around to replacing the Happy New Year Header.

Yeah, yeah, quit nagging me, I'll around to it.

Just like New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day is another holiday I'm not crazy about. It seems so...forced.

Earlier today my husband asked me what he should get me and I told him not to worry about it. I don't need a Valentine's Day gift. Seriously. He's good to me and the girls all year long, he doesn't need to run out and get me some trinket because Hallmark says he needs to. He's a very generous man, and I am very lucky to have HIM.

I didn't need to ask him what he wants. I know. I'm sure you know too. I won't get into too much detail, but let's just say that the best thing I can give him isn't available at the mall. (At least not that I'm aware of.)

I wish you all lots of love and happiness this Valentine's Day.

I might not be a fan of forced holidays, but I am, and always will be a fan of love.

There's no place like home...

Thanks to Wednesday's blizzard we got to spend an extra day in Florida with my folks, which was fine with me!!

My poor little pedicure and spray tan stayed buried under jeans, boots and a fleece most of our visit, but it was still awesome.

I've never lived in the south, but I've gotta tell you. All those palm trees and sun, even in the cold, were mighty appealing.

I was loving taking long walks, hitting tennis balls and all that southern hospitality.

I even tried my first taste of deep fried gator. Not as yummy as Nutella, but interesting nonetheless.

Now the girls are out front with the neighborhood kids, building a snowman in the deep, deep snow and here I sit, surrounded by suitcases just waiting to be unpacked, and AS USUAL, I don't feel like dealing with it! As a diversion, I did something I haven't done in years...I watched some soaps. "All My Children", "One Life to Live" and "General Hospital. " (In bits and pieces of course.)

Shocking!!

Even the kids on the shows look like they've had "work" done on their faces. I guess the new HDTV is making everyone on TV paranoid.

Enough is enough though. I've got to tear myself away from Jason, Nicholas and Sonny and deal with laundry, vacuuming and groceries.

Goodbye Florida, farewell Pine Valley, ciao Llanview, and adios Port Charles.

Back to reality.

Hey Hey Hey!!

Checking in from sunny FLOOORIDA! I'll give you a brief lowdown.

7 PM flight from Newark to Orlando Friday night postponed until 10:30.

Rough flight. Lots of turbulence and a very windy, shaky landing in Orlando. But we made it.

Woo hoo!!

So far we've hit Gatorland, The Magic Kingdom and hit tennis balls with a pro.

We return on Wednesday, and guess what we will fly into???

You've got it.

Another snowstorm.

Never a dull moment.

Snow, Snow, GO AWAY!!!

We are heading to Florida on Friday, so I have also been busy packing, making arrangements for the dogs and primping myself.

Now, thanks to the snow storm forecast for the East Coast, I have been checking the weather forecast every 15 minutes in addition to all my other responsibilities. I've been attempting to channel my inner Buddhist and chill. Whatever will be will be.

(BUT IF I'M STUCK IN SNOWY JERSEY WHEN I SHOULD BE PLAYING TENNIS IN 70 DEGREE WEATHER, I'LL BE ONE CRANKY MOTHER.)

So, I'm preparing as if I'm departing tomorrow.

Yesterday I had my first pedicure in over 4 months. The poor girl spent about an hour scraping my heels. The sweat was dripping down her head while I sat on my massaging chair pompously reading an US Magazine. I tipped her very generously for taking on that very unpleasant task.

Tomorrow morning, I get my first spray tan in a long, long, time. I gave it up a few months ago after my sisters had a "spray tan intervention" and told me I looked orange.

I'm going to a new place where all the ladies "in the know" tell me I will be transformed from pasty white pale face to hot bronzed goddess, all for the low, low, price of $39.

After I get hot looking I will load up the minivan with golf clubs, tennis rackets and suitcases, pick up the girls from school and cruise on up the turnpike to the Newark International Airport, where, God willing, our Jet Blue flight will depart at 7 PM sharp.

Pray for us...and I'll catch y'all next week.

Some very good news...

I am pleased to announce that I am starting to grow tired of my Facebook Farm. All that tedious clicking is starting to bring me down...

Much to my husband's delight, I have discovered a new tedious hobby....scrubbing my bathroom tiles with Tilex and a toothbrush.

Yes, you read that correctly. I am actually INTO doing this strange task.

We have various shades of white tile in all our bathrooms and this new hobby is bringing me great satisfaction. It's amazing how clean it gets when you get on your hands and knees and SCRUB until your arms hurt. Good times my friends.

Before you get all excited and try this at your house, make sure you ventilate the room. I think one of the reasons I'm starting to enjoy this is due to the brain damage I sustained when I did our master bath with all the windows shut. I haven't felt that disoriented since my last Grateful Dead concert.

There is nothing better than a good hallucination to make housework fun.

Gotta run. There's a can of stainless steel cleaner in the kitchen, just BEGGING to be inhaled.

Makin' Bacon...

Since I confessing some of my sins lately, I'll tell you something about myself that has always bothered me. I've always been terrible at...MAKING MONEY.

I have never made alot of money. Everything I've ever been interested in pays squat.

I'm good at alot of things. I play a very nice game of tennis, but I'll never be a tennis pro. I'm kind to and love animals, but there is no way I'll become a vet. When I set my mind to it, I'm a pretty good writer. The world is full of good writers, how many of them publish a best selling novel?

My kids' friends always want to come to MY house for play dates, because it's relaxed and fun over at my pad, but I don't charge them admission to my fun house.

I'm a loyal friend and generally a good, law abiding citizen. Neither of which pays me a dime.

In my working days, I was employed in the entertainment industry (no, I wasn't a stripper), and for the American Red Cross. I've never had any interest in law, banking, trading stocks, or business in general. I've always loathed working in an office and have avoided it at all costs. This aversion to office buildings and suits has probably contributed to my lack of marketable money making skills.

In some ways my pitiful earning power has made me feel bad about myself.

I would love to be really good at something that pays the big bucks.

I know everyone will tell you that life isn't about how much money you make, but let's face it, money brings some pretty good things, like a roof over your head, a college education for your kids, vacations to the Caribbean and pretty Frye Boots. It also brings something else with it.

RESPECT.

I am totally and completely financially dependent on my husband, and I know that isn't a good thing.

The question is...am I going to do something about it?

I can't answer that right now. I'm 44 years old, with a 6 year old and a 10 year old. I haven't had a job outside the house in over 10 years. I like staying home and taking care of them.

But I feel vulnerable. I AM vulnerable.

What's a woman to do???