The Miracle Worker

Let me tell you about my new BFF. His name is Joey and he works at the Sisley counter at Saks in NYC.

I met Joey last weekend when my childhood friends and I had a girls' weekend in the Big Apple. We had a few margaritas, and then decided to hit Saks for a little shopping.

As I stood at the Chanel counter buying my very first Chanel lipstick. (In a gorgeous shade called Cashmere) I noticed my friend Jennifer sitting in Joey's magic chair. As I approached to watch, Joey looked me in the eye and said, "YOU'RE next." I was mesmerized, as were the rest of my friends. One by one, we put our faces at the mercy of the world's greatest cosmetics salesman.

Joey had an interesting sales approach, a combination of humiliation and love.

He took one look at one of my friends and exclaimed, "Oh my, just LOOK at those eyebrows!! Who are you? Captain Morgan? And look at your shoes!! Are you going for a pirate look?" Ouch. Humiliating, but somehow he pulled it off. He then ran over to the Chanel counter and borrowed a pair of small scissors, which he used to trim my friend's eyebrows into the most flattering arch I've ever seen. He was an artist.

Joey's secret weapons? Eye cream, black eyeliner and eyebrow pencil. The transformation on all of us was stunning.

After the makeovers, we each marched over to the register to purchase our new life changing potions. Can you say sticker shock?? Holy hell. Do you know what Sisley cosmetics cost? I was FLOORED. I'm not even going to tell you. You can look it up if you want, I can't even type it.

As we walked out, Joey asked us to pose for a photo reminiscent of "Charlie's Angels." He then proceeded to invite us to join hem and his honey at Gay Night at Hiro Ballroom. The idea of sitting around with Joey's friends while they critiqued our hair and shoes sounded tempting, but we politely declined.

The good news is, 10 days have passed since my purchase and this stuff is a amazing. Especially the eye cream, I've never used such an incredible eye cream. Words can't describe how good it is. Truly. When I work my eye cream, eyeliner, and brow pencil, it's HOT. (If I do say so myself.)

If you're ever in NY stop by Saks and meet Joey. Make sure you bring your credit card and all your self esteem. After all, Joey works on commission, and he's good, very good, at what he does.

You might even consider taking out a second mortgage on your house.

Trust me.

It will be worth it.

I love these ladies. We've been friends for over 30 years!

Drunken Beauty

I want you to know that I washed my hair today, and IT WAS AWESOME.

I might just need to walk around with frizzed out hair, faded color and dry scalp because I looove getting my skull all lathered up. I can't help it, it's just who I am.

Okay, onto the face.

I was just reading a some helpful beauty hints in Self Magazine. Apparently if you go out and get drunk, your eyes are going to look puffy the next day. (You are also going to smell really bad and be a real bitch to hang out with...)

Their advice...after you tie one on, stagger to the kitchen and drink LOTS of water., you might puke it up, but keep hydrating until you can't stand it anymore. When you've finished chugging agua, crawl up to the bathroom and remove your eye makeup thoroughly. If you are still able to stand, apply a moisturizing eye cream. Follow this advice and no one will be able to tell you have a drinking problem the next day.

Yeah right.

Let's have a show of hands. How many of you drink lots of water, remove all your makeup and moisturize your eyes when you're sober? If you do...BRAVO. I'll bet you look like a supermodel, cook healthy meals for your family every night and run 5 miles every morning. You're so perfect that you've never drank a whole bottle of Southern Comfort and then passed out in the bushes in front of Denny's.

But I digress.

That concludes Beauty Week here at Caffeine Court.

Who knows what next week holds. I'm always open to suggestions...

Have a beautiful weekend.

Meryl's Choice...

My husband and I managed to snag a babysitter for this Saturday night, and if I have my way, we will go to see a movie.

The question is...WHICH movie? Brad wants to see Avatar, which is not my kind of flick, at all.


I am leaning towards, "It's Complicated." The reviews for this film,are okay but I love the cast. Meryl Streep is the best , Alec Baldwin cracks me up, and I am a huge Steve Martin fan.

I have to admit, that the thing that most intrigues me is the buzz over Meryl Streep's face. Critics have been applauding her decision to forgo Botox or face lifts and to celebrate her lines and sagging. Meryl Streep has made the brave decision to "age gracefully."

What a daring woman!

Granted, she is an incredibly talented actress with great bone structure and flawless skin, which might make her decision a bit easier, but she does have a point. The camera shows everything, especially on the big screen, as an actor you need to move your face to show expression, when you tweak things too much, you don't look younger, you just look old and weird.

The girl has a point: Exhibit A: Priscilla Presley










Exhibit B: Jessica Lange


















and the freakiest example of all...Exhibit C:

Mickey Rourke













Ouch, and just think, these people went through painful surgery and paid big bucks to look like this.

If given the choice, I would choose saggy and wrinkly, over freaky any day of the week.

How about you?

Critical Mass

My skin has reached the Michael Jackson Vitiligo stage, my hair is a stringy mess of layers and my house looks like an episode of Oprah where she humiliates people who's lives have gotten out of control.

Today is the day to change all that. I have a hair appointment at 10, my cleaning lady arrives at noon, and a spray tan at 2.

After I put a band aid on this mess, I will proceed to get to the nitty gritty of purging old winter clothes, paying bills and filing all the important documents lying in piles around the kitchen.

It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it.

I seriously think I have to let myself go. Keeping up the hair, working out, all that shit. Too time consuming. Waste of time. If I could just let go of the VANITY!!!

Gotta go. Time to clean up the mess that is currently my life.

Orange You Glad You Read Caffeine Court???

The thermometer topped off at 85 degrees today in Coastal New Jersey, which meant unless I wanted to die of heat exhaustion, I had to show a little skin.

My Irish German skin hasn't seen sunlight since October, so needless to say, I'm pretty pasty.

Thank goodness for self-tanning technology. I consider myself a pioneer in sunless tanning. When I was 7 I used to dip into my mom's QT tanner in an attempt to achieve the California bronze look promised in the ads.

Since then I've tried it all, self-tanners, spray tan booths and air brush tans. I've sported the Oompa Loompa look, the streaky blotchy ankles and the spray tan stained white t-shirts. I've made alot of mistakes, but after a great deal of trial and error, I have ALMOST perfected the art of a natural looking fake tan.

What you need to look natural: #1 Exfoliate the crap out of your skin. Which basically entails taking a loofah and a body scrub and removing the top layer of your skin.

#2 Find a good spray tanning salon and go with the LIGHTEST possible formula. Unless you are naturally very dark, this looks the best.

#3 Moisture like crazy all week. Eventually your bod starts will start to look like Michael Jackson's Vitiligo, at which time you repeat step #1.

Got it???

I know what you're going to say next, "Let's see pictures!!!" It ain't gonna happen people. I'm still working on the ass shoot. If that's successful, maybe I'll branch out to a before and after spray tan shoot, complete with shots of me in my black bra and underwear "assuming the position" at my local spray tanning salon.

I'll do anything for a good blog post.

Almost.

Live and Learn

I learned a very valuable lesson this week. If you brag about how smokin' your butt looks, you'd better have some visuals to support it!

I will be coordinating at photo shoot (at my convenience) to show you my heinie in my new Lucky Brand Jeans. I might even go so far as to show you some of my ill fitting jeans to illustrate the difference these new garments have made in my life.

Don't get too excited yet. There's a great deal of planning that goes into a photo shoot. I need to get a photographer, a stylist, find someone to do my hair and makeup and rent some studio space. After the shoot, I'll need to crop and retouch the photos. THEN and only then, they will be ready to publish. I don't take this assignment lightly people. I'm a perfectionist, damn it.

Stay tuned.

Stuff I'm Groovin' On

LOLLIA-Wish Petite Treat Shea Butter Handcreme (Sugared Pastille)
$7 for the mini size.

My sister turned me on to this stuff. It is the best hand cream EVER and the packaging is so pretty. It makes my hands really soft and it smells heavenly. I got mine at Anthropologie, but you can also go to their website. Seriously, trust me on this one, go right now and buy it...tell them Jill sent you.

on to the next thing I'm groovin' on....

When you get to be "of a certain age" powder blush can age you, so I prefer creams and gels. (They don't get stuck in all those DEEP CREVICES all over my cheeks...)

I love this tint because you can use it on your cheeks AND your lips and it looks really natural, like you just came in from a nice long walk on a crisp fall day!!!

It comes in three gorgeous shades, Beauty Queen, Homecoming Queen and my personal shade, Prom Queen.

$15 at Sephora.

I am not paid for these endorsements...just want you to benefit from all the money I've spent on lotions and potions that I didn't like. Through much trial and error, these products were head and shoulders above the rest. And don't you be whining to me about the recession. I don't wanna here it. These are cheap people. You deserve it AND you'll be stimulating the economy, everybody wins.

Stay tuned for more.

You learn something new every day!

And one thing I learned from yesterday's post is...Botox and politics do NOT go together.

That is unless your name happens to be Joe Biden.

Carry on.

Botox Bandits

A mug shot of a "Botox Bandit.." Looks like she stole some lip injections too!!!

Catherine is sick today...poor girl. The only good thing about this, is I got to watch some of "The Today Show."

When Meg was a baby and I was nursing I was quite the daytime TV watcher. "Regis and Kelly", "Oprah", "The View"...I watched em all!

Now things are different. On weekdays the girls and I wake up, RUSH, RUSH, RUSH, I drop them at school at 8:40 and I'm on my merry way...

So anyway, today on "Today" Kathie Lee and Hoda were discussing Botox. Kathie Lee admitted she's a big fan of the stuff. I want to know who she goes to, because I think she looks awesome. And I'm sure she pays big bucks to look as good as she does.

The thing with Botox and Juvederm and all that good stuff is...it's pretty pricey.

A syringe of Juvederm runs about $500. A forehead full of Botox runs about $400. And you have to do it every few months. If you want to do it right, you'll have to pay about $3,500 a year. Bummer.

What is the average woman on a budget to do??? Well, a few clever ladies came up with a plan. These women are "The Botox Bandits." Go ahead...Google it. They are everywhere. Florida, Texas, California, Arizona....our nation is in the midst of an injectable crime spree.

How do you steal Botox? Well, you go into a medispa and give them a fake name. You proceed to get all shot up. Then, when it comes time to pay, you realize you forgot your checkbook or credit card. Tell the lady you need to run out to the car...and then you get the hell out of dodge.

Some advice...don't let them take before and after pictures...that helps the police track you down. Duh.

But hey, at least you'll look hot in your mug shot! Another bonus, is you'll be the best looking gal in prison, which means you get the toughest girlfriend.

I think this crime wave is a sign of the times. Why should wealthy women be the only ones who get Botox? What about the middle class? I certainly hope President Obama has included some funds in his stimulus plan for cosmetic procedures for the needy. It's only fair...and it will keep these poor women out of prison.

If you're with me on this send President Obama a request...www.whitehouse.gov.

Remember...EVERYONE has the right to a smooth, wrinkle free face and they shouldn't have to resort to a life of crime to get it.

A little beauty...ALOT of pain!

I have just returned from a torture session at my local medispa.

My face was looking a bit sallow, so I decided to get a microdermabrasion and pore extraction.




Have you ever had a pore extraction? I haven't in over 10 years...let me tell you something, IT HURTS! Worse than a c-section. At least you get pain killers when you have a c-section!!

What it boils down to is I paid a professional blackhead squeezer to work her magic on me.

First the lady steamed my face to soften the skin. It was very soothing and relaxing. Once she turned the steamer off things got ugly real fast. Slowly and methodically, this woman proceeded to SQUEEZE the living crap out of my pores. She was unrelenting. Pushing and prodding like some kind of evil sadist, until she had extracted all the foul crud that has built up in my pores over the past decade. EWWW.

Maybe I didn't pick a very skilled pore squeezer, because I was dying!!! Is it SUPPOSED to hurt that bad?!

Thank goodness that unpleasant experience is over for today.

I was advised that next month I should have a chemical peel. You know, where they put harsh chemicals all over your face to take off the top layer of skin and charge you an arm and a leg for it. That sounds like a ton of fun. I think I'll pass.

The things we do to look good. It never ceases to amaze me.

Maybe I should just give in to mother nature and proudly sport a full head of gray hair, crow's feet, clogged pores and cellulite. Sounds hot right?

I know what you're thinking.."here she goes again, getting all gross and talking about disgusting bodily secretions." Sorry...I seriously can't help it. This is what my life is all about. That's right, bodily secretions are my life. Sue me.

You know what' I'm going to do now? I'm going to clean out my cat's litter box, and maybe, just maybe, I'll write about it tomorrow.

Ciao.

Wanna see my new breast implants?

It's "Scrolling Saturday" the day I pull out some old posts from the archives, because I'm supposed to be cleaning out closets.  (Hubby's home.)

Here goes!

Do you like my new boobs? I got a great deal on them...only $50!

For $10,000 more the doctor said he could put them UNDER my skin. (Or I could go to Brazil and have it done for $200.)

I think they're pretty cute just the way they are, PLUS my husband can bring them with him on business trips so he won't get lonely without me.


Whaddya think? Can you think of any other uses for these babies? (Besides making me look smokin' hot?)

I kind of like them on the kitchen counter.
Really appetizing! YUM YUM

"Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

-Rita Rudner

Would you like fries with that Botox?

In my absence, here's a little post from days gone by....







It seems like every time I go to my mailbox I get a flier for a new medical spa opening at a strip mall near me! Before too long there will be as many medispas in my little corner of suburbia as there are McDonald's and Starbucks.

The competition is so fierce that there are price wars!

Botox $9 a unit! Complimentary Microdermasweep ($250 value) for first time clients! $100 off Juvederm! Restylane Only $400 Per Syringe! (Can you tell I saved the fliers?)

If they really want my business this is what they need to do. Combine McDonald's with a medispa. Set up a drive-thru window that offers Botox, fountain Diet-Coke and Happy Meals. This way I can pull up in my minivan with my kids strapped in their seats playing Nintendo DS. I can order them each some Chicken McNuggets and fries, get myself a soda, stick my head out the window, get shot up and go on my merry way, with my children fed and my face looking refreshed and wrinkle free!

I'm telling you this idea is pure genius! (If I do say so myself.)

If there are any investors interested in opening a franchise, you know where to reach me!

In the meantime, I'll be socking away my little fliers in my file drawer, waiting for the day that Botox comes down to $2 a unit.

Enough with the hair already!

I promise I will stop posting pictures of my hair.  This is the last one.  

I'm sharing with you because I've been kind of busy the last week.  I went to a walk in place again last week, and this time I didn't walk out.  I let an old woman who used to cut hair at a retirement home ATTEMPT to fix the hatchet job I did on my head.  Needless to say, this woman, who cuts hair for $12 a pop was not exactly Vidal Sassoon.  I walked out of the joint looking like Doris Day.  Friends and neighbors commented "Oh, you got your hair cut!!!" And then there would be uncomfortable silence, because most people were incapable of saying it looked good.  It was BAAAD.

So today, I took both my kids to a reputable salon full of chic women and I shelled out the dough for a good cut!  Thank goodness I did.  Six months of growing out my short hair  down the drain, but at least I look like it's 2008 instead of 1958.  

The good news is, I look like my "Design-Her Girl" again!  (See sidebar.)

I won't be around until next week, we're heading to Vermont to visit with my husband's family.

Have a great weekend...and remember-never EVER cut your own hair.

P.S. Notice my eyebrows-I went to the Arch Angelz for my first eyebrow session-they did an awesome job with rehabilitating my over plucked brows.  I am in the process of growing them in, and in two weeks I return to get my arch refined.  This girl is turning it around!!!

Footnote:  For those who are asking-there will be no photos of the Doris Day hair posted for your entertainment.  I want to forget it ever happened.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors bangs...

"Bangs. We covet them. Long, sideswept bangs, heavy curtains of bangs (short AND eyebrow skimming), bangs that form a 'u'---longer on the sides than in the middle...there's no hotter trend right now."

Just don't try it at home!!!

Oops, I did it again...

Okay...so here's the end of the story. After I wisely walked out of Great Clips I went home and read my daughters a story. As I was reading, of all things, "Rapunzel", my mind went back to my hair. Bangs are all the rage these days, so I decided to sneak over to the bathroom and cut myself some bangs. I pulled a pair of scissors out of the cabinet and snip, snip-hey-they looked pretty good!



The only problem was the front sides needed a little trim. No problem. Snip...oooh, awesome. Now the other side, snip...OH SHIT. Too short. I'm screwed.

(NOTICE I AM NOT SMILING IN THIS PICTURE!)

I have a lopsided dutch boy mullet.



I'm not going to touch it for 2 weeks, and I've made an appointment with a professional. I don't even want to hear what she's going to say when she sees the butcher job I've done on myself.



It's a sickness I tell you. I should have let them do it at Great Clips. I'm sure the drug addicts who work there would have done a better job than I did.

I decided to put the picture back in. The ones below are the cute ones, with the hair behind my ears. As you can see, when it's not tucked away, it's lopsided and just plain BAD. Hopefully I will learn from this!!! Duh.

Before and after...

The picture on the left is my hair after six long months without a cut.



The picture on the right is after I butchered it. It can look cute if I keep it behind my ears. The minute the wind blow, or it slips from behind my ear, it looks totally bizarre.

Divine Intervention

Picture this...only with piles of hair covering every inch of the floor!

<<<<

As you may or may not know, I've been growing out a short haircut for about six months. It's been an long and grueling process, and I'm finally starting to see progress. Like a recovering alcoholic, I've been taking it "one day at a time." Today, I almost fell off the wagon. BIG TIME. 

I was at a strip mall with my daughters running errands when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the plate glass window and realized that I needed to do something fast. I decided to go into Great Clips for a trim.

As I walked in I got a really bad feeling. There were piles of hair everywhere-it looked like no one had swept in days. The employees were beyond scary looking...bleach blond hair with black roots, faded tattoos on their ankles, bright blue eyeshadow and pissed off expressions on their haggard faces. Despite the frightening appearance of the salon and it's employees, I was still determined to get my hair trimmed.

I stood at the front desk with my two daughters, patiently waiting for one of the hairdressers to acknowledge me. My daughters started to whine immediately. "Mom, I have to go to the bathroom!!" No problem. I took them back to the FILTHY bathroom.

When we returned one of the very irritated looking Great Clips ladies finally spoke to me. "Can I help you?", she asked with absolutely no enthusiasm. I stood firm in my convictions, "Yes, I'd like to get my hair cut." She started to lead me over to a chair SURROUNDED by and covered with mounds of cut hair.

"Mom, we're hungry!" My daughters whined again. (Are my kids getting on your nerves yet?  Schools been out for a week and they certainly are getting on mine...)

Back to the subject.  It was as if a higher power was throwing obstacles in my path-desperately trying to stop me from making a huge mistake.  And in case you're wondering, yes, I'm self centered enough to think that God really gives a crap whether or not my hair looks good. :) 

Suddenly, I snapped back into reality. What in the hell was I thinking!!!? I almost let the most heinous looking, hungover, nasty woman in the world near my head with a pair of sharp scissors!!!

Once I had my wits back I thought quickly. "You know what? I'm going to get lunch for the kids and I'll come back later."

The stylist was cool with it. She followed us out front and lit up a Marlboro Red.

Wow, that was close.

Unfortunately the story doesn't end there...so tune in tomorrow for the ongoing saga of "Jill's Quest for a Normal Cut and Color." (And the perfect eyebrow arch!!)

P.S.  It doesn't have a happy ending.  :(

Who knew? (Not me)

A couple of weeks ago I noticed that my eyebrows were looking less than well groomed. Rather than go through the time and expense of a professional waxing, I took a tweezer to them and thought they were lookin' pretty good.

Little did I know...

My neighbor, who I love and who has great taste, told me that she had just returned from a visit to the "Arch Angels." The what??! Yes, the "Arch Angels." They are two women who all the ladies in the know go to to have their eyebrows done to perfection. Apparently the shape of your eyebrows can really make a huge difference in your appearance. I have to admit, my friend's eyebrows were a work of art. She opened my eyes to a whole new world.

I started noticing other people's eyebrows and now I GET IT! Sooo, for the next couple of weeks I will be growing in my overzealous pluck job, at which time I will truck my hiney over to the "Arch Angels" for a $28 eyebrow makeover.

This could change my life. (And it's sooo much cheaper than Botox.)

You're so vain...(don't worry, we ALL are!)

If you read this blog regularly than you know all about my SEVEN DEADLY SINS series.

Today, I'll start with the sin-I feel most guilty of...VANITY.

Beauty and fashion are such HUGE industries and there is tons of pressure for women to look good. I've said this before, but after a certain age, you have to do some work to look halfway decent. (According to society ) This isn't anything new. Women have been "required" to look good since the beginning of time.

This is undocumented, but the first cave women would use dinosaur blood for blush and lipstick and would fashion woolly mammoth furs into berets and bikinis (see Raquel Welsh in "1 Million BC") in order to attract the cavemen who had the nicest caves and the most meat.

(Is one of the SEVEN DEADLY sins making up false facts on your blog?)

Things like moisturizer, manicures, pedicures, highlights, haircuts, makeup and cute clothing add up. Would life be better if we all had just a few pairs of jeans, only Ivory Soap in our medicine chest and felt content with our wrinkles and flabby thighs?

I truly think it would be a fabulous if women didn't feel the need to get cut open, stabbed with needles and covered in hot wax to look the way society says we SHOULD look. (No comments from the plastic surgeons in the peanut gallery-please!)

My friends who have had plastic surgery say they "did it for themselves-because they deserve it." Interesting perspective, to say that you deserve to pay someone $15,000 to be put under anesthesia, cut open and then take painkillers for two weeks. My opinion is, they did it for themselves, because society tells them their life will be better if they look better...even if it hurts physically and financially.

What do you think? Are you so vain? Have you had plastic surgery? How much money do you think you spend in a year on how you look? No judgements here my friends... I'm on YOUR side. I'm thinking of leading a revolution. If all you people stop wearing makeup, dying your hair and getting Botox, I will...but not until you do it first.

I sure don't want to be the ugliest housewife on the block.

A happy ending...(for now)

We interrupt the Academy Awards Red Carpet Show for this hair update...

I had to attempt to fix my hair on my own today. I have a lunch at my daughter's school tomorrow and I simply cannot show up with a hat or Lucille Ball hair! It's not perfect, but trust me, it's a HELL of alot better than 24 hours ago!

Don't I look angry

in these shots?

I'm still upset
about the

haircut I gave myself!

This is what I used to

cover up the orange.

I feel a little bit better now.

So I decided to smile for this shot.

Thanks to all who offered kind words, support and condolences. If you ever go through a beauty crisis, I promise to be there for you.

You won't be seeing any more photos on this blog until my hair grows a couple of inches, so BYE BYE Y'ALL!!