Let's talk about LUST baby...

It's Terrible Tuesday again, and today I'm covering the last of the seven deadly sins. LUST.

Now before you expect me to start spilling my guts about wild rolls in the hay with my garbage man, think about it. I'm over 40, married and have 2 kids. This isn't Wisteria Lane people. All my good stories are from years ago, and since my parents read this blog-I'm not talking. There are some doozies though...I remember it so well, Summer of 1985...Ocean City NJ...a lifeguard named Chad...oops-see you got my mind wandering.

As I was saying...I'm not going to kiss and tell.

But seriously folks, I did a little research on the subject of lust, and it's not all about sex. Lust can be:

"the craving for physical pleasures of all kinds. An inordinate desire to avoid pain, for physical and even emotional comfort, the best food and wine, the best looking car, can all be forms of lust. Lust denies our spiritual nature and promotes the lie that "this is all there is." We try to make a heaven on earth, but instead we create a hell. Other people become ways of satisfying our needs. They are merely objects to service us, bring us food, run our business, give us pleasure. We want to reduce the population of the world so we won't have to share or we want more children so they can carry on the family business. Everyone else becomes a means to an end."

The sin of lust lies in looking for happiness outside of yourself. When I find myself saying, "I'll be happy if I win tomorrow's tennis match." Or if I see my children throw a fit because they "have to" have a certain toy..I remind them (and myself) that happiness has to come from within. An undefeated tennis record, or a new Wii game is not going to MAKE YOU HAPPY. It might, for a fleeting moment, but you really have to find it within yourself, not by buying, or winning something.

And so, my friends, this ends my series on The Seven Deadly Sins. I hope you enjoyed it. I'm kind of at a loss for what to blog about on Tuesdays from now on. If you have any suggestions, I'm taking requests.

Now I'm going to go to bed...to dream about the summer of 1985, under the boardwalk in Ocean City, NJ-nighty night.

Why Can't I Be You?

Another week has flown by and Terrible Tuesday is upon us! I'm almost at the bottom of the seven deadly sins list...I've covered the top five sins I'm guilty of in order of relevance...vanity, sloth greed and wrath and gluttony. Next on the list...the green eyed monster!

I think envy is one of the most destructive of the seven deadly sins.
It eats away and people and makes them really mean. When I find myself not liking someone, I ask myself if I envy them in some way.

I did a little research on ENVY and came up with some pretty interesting information.

According to Wikipedia...

"Envy may be defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.

It can also derive from a sense of low self-esteem that results from an upward social comparison threatening a person's self image: another person has something that the envier considers to be important to have. If the other person is perceived to be similar to the envier, the aroused envy will be particularly intense, because it signals to the envier that it just as well could have been him or her who had the desired."

Amen to that . I see if everyday in my town that seems to run on keeping up with the Joneses. If Joe gets a Porshe, Jim needs to get a Porshe Turbo, whether he can afford it or not. So sad.

Betrand Russell, a famous philosopher and writer said that envy was is of the most potent causes of unhappiness. It is a universal and most unfortunate aspect of human nature because not only is the envious person rendered unhappy by his envy, but also wishes to inflict misfortune on others. PRETTY DAMN DESTRUCTIVE.

So when I find myself looking at someone else's vacation home, flawless skin, or undefeated tennis record and I feel the green eyed monster creeping up on me I remind myself that I am really lucky to have what I do and to be who I am.

Then I stand in front of the mirror, like Stuart Smiley from Saturday Night Live, and I say to myself...

"Hey, I might not look like Angelina Jolie, or have a backhand like Maria Sharapova...my home is not perfectly decorated, some of my friends have full time cleaning ladies and take trips to Europe over Spring Break. THOSE B-TCHES!!! Wait a minute...It's normal to have these feelings-I just need to love myself...I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. I am a worthy human being with many strengths and some weaknesses...and...that's...okay."

Then I take a Valium, and I feel MUCH BETTER.

Hop on over to Lunanik's blog to check out her latest take on the Seven Deadlies. I PROMISE I won't be jealous if you do!

Next week...LUST (Mom and Dad-you should not read this one...I don't want to freak you out!)

Terrible Tuesday: Gluttony

I can't believe it's Terrible Tuesday already !

I'm getting closer to the bottom of my 7 deadly sins list. So far I've covered vanity, sloth greed and wrath. My next sin: GLUTTONY

What it is: Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

Why you do it: Because you were weaned improperly as an infant.

Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be force-fed rats, toads, and snakes.

Associated symbols & suchlike: Gluttony is linked with the pig and the color orange. (Sorry Clemson Girl)

Most people associate gluttony with eating to0 much, but as you can see, gluttony can pertain to lots of things other than food. What am I a GLUTTON for? Let's see. The first thing that comes to mind is caffeine. I start my day with a cup of coffee and a Diet Coke. For a little variety I throw in tea, iced coffee, or a Starbuck's Cinnamon Dulce Latte. I continue to consume various forms of this stimulant throughout the day, with my last dose at approximately 7 PM. I KNOW it's not good for me, but I don't smoke, rarely drink and I don't do drugs-so as far as vices go-I don't feel too bad about it. (Although my boobs hurt all the time...and my OB/GYN says it's definitely because of the OBSCENE amounts of caffeine I imbibe each and everyday.) Sore boobs be damned. I love it-and I'm not giving it up!

I am also an enabler for my daughters' gluttony. They have so many Webkinz that I won't even list the amount on this blog-for fear that my husband will smother me with them in my sleep.

I am a glutton for tennis. When someone asks me to play I have to remind myself that I have MANY other responsibilities-much more pressing than a game of doubles.

I'm a glutton for "The Tudors," when time permits, my blog, talking on the phone and Swedish Fish. Honestly, I am a glutton for so many things-I could go on all day!

How's about you? What are you a GLUTTON for? (Other than reading Caffeine Court!)

If you want to check out some other bloggers' takes on the Seven Deadly Sins-click the Terrible Tuesday link above. There's never a dull moment on Lunanik's blog!

Did I give you the wrong idea?

I want to make a few clarifications regarding my "Anger Management" post.

No, I have never keyed a car, nor have I ever let the air out of some one's tire. I've never hit a car with a rock. (Snowballs and eggs, yes-rocks-NEVER!)

Have I WANTED to key a car? Hell yeah. It would have shocked the crap out of those parking spot stealing teens if I had f-ed with their car. But I didn't. I didn't even pour my chocolate milkshake all over the hood of their car like I wanted to. Why? Because despite my anger-I am civilized and have a fear of the law. The fun of getting revenge on those girls wouldn't be worth a lawsuit, or one of my neighbors witnessing my act of vandalism.

As Franklin P. Jones once said..."Nothing makes it easier to resist temptation than a proper bringing-up, a sound set of values, and witnesses."

Amen to that.

(Oh and by the way...if you're wondering who Franklin P. Jones is...well, no one is really sure, but he has a lot of famous quotes...I guess he was just a clever, witty person-just like us!)

Anger Management

Another week has flown by - and it's time for me and my posse to talk about our sins. So far I've covered vanity, sloth and greed, this week, I take on WRATH.

You want to know what pisses me off? Well I'll tell you. It really annoys me when I have my daughters' friends over, buy them ice cream from the ice cream truck, take them to the park, let them play on the Wii, and then later on when I tell them it's time for bed, my daughters call me MEAN. That absolutely ticks me off.

Or when I volunteer with a large group to complete a task our children's school and only 2 out of 20 people actually do ANYTHING. That REALLY gets my goat.

Or when I wait patiently for a parking spot at the mall and just as I'm about to pull, in a car full of teenage girls whip into the spot ahead of me. That my friends, is grounds for me to take a key to the nice red paint job on their Chrysler LeBaron. (Or if I'm in a good mood, I'll just let the air out of their tires.)

But the thing that really puts me over the edge is when people drive in their SUVs talking on their cell phones 40 miles per hour down my narrow street that is PACKED with little children. If you want to see a lady scream, you should try it sometime. I'll come after you with guns blazing. These people are so damn self absorbed, rushing to get to their manicures or appointment with a personal trainer. GOD FORBID, a child runs in the road. I've got news for these Bozos..."Running over a 4 year old might make you late for your facial appointment wench!! So maybe you should consider slow the F down...or you'll have to deal with one pissed off housewife, hyped up on caffeine and wielding an over sized tennis racket."

Take that b-tches.

Okay-so as you can see-I have some anger issues. And yes-WRATH is one of the deadly sins. There are so many ways it can kill you. Hold it in too much-and you have a heart attack...let it out and someone shoots you in the head. The solution...inner peace. The world is full of inconsiderate oafs. I'm sure I've been called one a few times myself. So rather than hate, let's all recite the words of the His Holiness the Dalai Lama

"When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace."

So the next time some dude drives down YOUR quiet little street going 50 miles per hour, remember the words of the Dalai Lama...AND THEN NAIL THE MOFO's CAR WITH A BIG OLD ROCK.

Next week: Gluttony...stay tuned.

Sin Sisters

I'm on hiatus from the sin talk until next Tuesday. In case you haven't heard, Lunanik at Secrets of a Black Heart liked my SIN SERIES so much that she decided to take the ball and run with it.

She came up with a great idea Terrible Tuesday-where bloggers write about their sins and then add their link to so everyone can compare weaknesses. So far it's been a blast reading other people's perspectives own their own vices.

The only problem...I read some of the other SINS posts and they are fabulous. So inspired! So deep! So intellectual!

If posts were meals, they would be a full course gourmet meal at Lutèce.

My posts, on the other hand, are the blogging equivalent of a bag of Cheetos. Full of empty brain calories. But that's okay. We all need a few Cheetos with our Chateaubriand!

If you want to jump the Terrible Tuesday bandwagon, and tell us all about your transgressions, cruise on over to Luna's website every Tuesday and join the link! I can't wait to hear your dirty little secrets.

When the seven weeks are up, we can move to the Ten Commandments.

Today I broke the eleventh commandment..."Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's post." Hop on over to Luna's blog and you'll see why!

Gimme Gimme!

Moving on to my number three in the Caffeine Court Sin Series-GREED!

I'm a Taurus, and Taureans are famous for their love of the finer things in life. I have to admit I'd love to have a Cartier Tank Watch or a gorgeous Louis Vuitton Galliera bag or a Range Rover, or perhaps a new diamond and platinum eternity band.

My birthday is next week, so if you all chip in I'm sure you could get me a nice pair of diamond earrings. I didn't just say that...did I??? See what I mean??! Greed I tell you!!! It's a terrible sin. (Since I don't have any of these things-would it be more accurate to call it ENVY?)

Anyway-I've never gotten myself into trouble buying a $15,000 watch or a $5,000 ring. It's the small stuff that gets me into hot water. Some of my biggest temptations are Target, Marshall's, Pottery Barn, any specialty supermarket like Wegman's, the Bobbi Brown makeup counter, Webkinz (thanks to my very persistent daughter)...and the mall...FAGETABOUT IT! I live in New Jersey for god's sake! The shopping opportunities are so bountiful!

I find that the best way to keep my desire to acquire cute clothes, expensive lipstick and gourmet cookies is to avoid their sources entirely. Running into Target to pick up some dog food and paper towels is like letting a three year old loose in a candy store. Isaac Mizrahi, Mossimo and Cynthia Rowley beckon me like a siren's song. I can hear them - calling to me...luring me to crash on the sharp rocks of financial ruin seventy five dollars at a time.

So I go to these stores as infrequently as possible. (But it's sooo hard to do...I really LOVE scouring the racks of TJ Maxx searching for an amazing find!!)

I try to distract myself from my desire to acquire more material possessions with other activities, like team tennis, volunteering at school and having my children's friends over for play dates. Which leads me to tomorrow's subject-ANGER. How is ANGER related to tennis, volunteering and play dates? Stay tuned my friends.

American Idle

Moving right along here...let's talk about the sin I'm second most guilty of-SLOTH. The Webster's dictionary definition of sloth is "Disinclination to action or labor, sluggishness, laziness, idleness."

If we were to go by that definition, I am in fact, not sloth like. I love to play tennis, blog, run around town doing errands, arrange flowers, cut the grass and volunteer for various school activities. I would say my sin is SELECTIVE SLOTH.

There are certain duties that take every ounce of my energy and discipline to complete. One example is finishing laundry, I have no problem washing clothes and getting them into the dryer, folding them is a little harder, but I usually manage to get it done. It's PUTTING THE LAUNDRY AWAY that I suck at. I just can't seem to finish the job. It's a curse.

Another example of this is mailing birthday cards. I call people on their birthdays and when I see them I always have a gift that I put a great deal of thought into. For some reason I just can't get my sh--t together enough to buy a card, write a note in it, look up the address, write it, put a stamp on it, and mail it.

There are countless examples of this SELECTIVE SLOTH in my life. Much to my husband's chagrin. The biggest thorn in his side are 3 large Rubbermaid containers in our bedroom, full of clothing he wants me to sort through. As much as I'd like to just toss them, I'm afraid there might be something worth keeping in them, so there they sit, untouched and my husband is ready to flip his lid. I tell him to practice the art of meditation and inner peace. That when he sees these containers he should recite the Serenity Prayer,

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

And he can add these lines:

When I married my wife,
I knew she was not organized,
nor was she a great housekeeper.
Thank you oh Lord,
for the great strides she has made
in our ten years of marriage.
May she continue on her quest
for order and cleanliness
and someday, if it be your will,
may she clean out these Rubbermaid containers
and remove them from our marital chamber

AMEN

Luckily I do manage to do the important stuff like feeding and bathing my children, keeping them and myself, healthy, making sure they they get to school everyday and that they learn how to be productive members of society.

So I won't be too hard on myself, after all, in the words of the Queen of Sloth, Roseanne,

"There's alot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of alot more to being a mother than people suspect."

Amen to that sister.

You're so vain...(don't worry, we ALL are!)

If you read this blog regularly than you know all about my SEVEN DEADLY SINS series.

Today, I'll start with the sin-I feel most guilty of...VANITY.

Beauty and fashion are such HUGE industries and there is tons of pressure for women to look good. I've said this before, but after a certain age, you have to do some work to look halfway decent. (According to society ) This isn't anything new. Women have been "required" to look good since the beginning of time.

This is undocumented, but the first cave women would use dinosaur blood for blush and lipstick and would fashion woolly mammoth furs into berets and bikinis (see Raquel Welsh in "1 Million BC") in order to attract the cavemen who had the nicest caves and the most meat.

(Is one of the SEVEN DEADLY sins making up false facts on your blog?)

Things like moisturizer, manicures, pedicures, highlights, haircuts, makeup and cute clothing add up. Would life be better if we all had just a few pairs of jeans, only Ivory Soap in our medicine chest and felt content with our wrinkles and flabby thighs?

I truly think it would be a fabulous if women didn't feel the need to get cut open, stabbed with needles and covered in hot wax to look the way society says we SHOULD look. (No comments from the plastic surgeons in the peanut gallery-please!)

My friends who have had plastic surgery say they "did it for themselves-because they deserve it." Interesting perspective, to say that you deserve to pay someone $15,000 to be put under anesthesia, cut open and then take painkillers for two weeks. My opinion is, they did it for themselves, because society tells them their life will be better if they look better...even if it hurts physically and financially.

What do you think? Are you so vain? Have you had plastic surgery? How much money do you think you spend in a year on how you look? No judgements here my friends... I'm on YOUR side. I'm thinking of leading a revolution. If all you people stop wearing makeup, dying your hair and getting Botox, I will...but not until you do it first.

I sure don't want to be the ugliest housewife on the block.

What's your poison?

I'm sure you've heard of the seven deadly sins:

Pride, Greed, Envy, Anger, Lust, Gluttony, Sloth

Why do I bring this up? Well, the other day I was in the minivan, at a stop sign, checking out my lipstick in the rear view mirror, as the guy behind me beeped his horn impatiently, I realized my VANITY/PRIDE could cause a car accident. Which got me to thinking about THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS. (My mind works in strange and mysterious ways.)

If I were to rate the sins in order of relevance to my character I would have to say pride/vanity, sloth, greed and anger. I probably spend too much time putting on self tanner, dying my hair and worrying about my wrinkles. I blog a lot (is that slothful?) and I never have all the laundry put away. I love to shop (don't let me anywhere near Target or Pottery Barn with a credit card). And finally, I hate to admit it, but on certain days of the month my kids and husband drive me nuts (especially when they WHINE)-which leads to ANGER!

I'm pretty good about the gluttony, lust and envy thing. I keep my eating under control, I don't cheat on my hubs and I'm happy with who I am.

I'm going to do a separate post on each sin, and get into more detail on why I'm guilty of all of them. (Some more than others). I thought I'd start broad and then get more specific as my SEVEN DEADLY SINS series continues.

So, now it's your turn to confess ..which of these sins are you guilty of...AND WHY?!

Oh and by the way, I know my posts are full of grammatical errors, but I'm too SLOTHFUL to do anything about it!

FOOTNOTE: Stella came up with the idea of having someone else tell you what they think your biggest sin is. Sounds like a fun drinking game to me! Next time you are at a get together ask your buddies to name each other's sins. Make sure you check your EGO/PRIDE at the door, or you may experience some ANGER...which could lead to a fight and possible fisticuffs, someone could end up getting injured or killed, which would indeed prove that these sins are, in fact, DEADLY.