The next entry in the writer's notebook...

Continuing on with my daughter's writing.

This one had me rolling on the floor...

A Complaint to McDonald's

Oh McDonald's

Why Are You So Fattening?

You only give toys to make money

Not to make little kids happy

You are just plain nasty

What if a person gets food poisoning from you?

Then how much would people like you?

You are unhealthy.

Someone told me your water is dirtier than toilet water.

So McDonald's...

The only good thing about you is...

YOUR MILKSHAKES...

Thank you-Meg

P.S. Burger King is better.

I swear, I think I'm going to have her write my blog from now on. She is way funnier than me!!

Google Analytics-Part 278

It's that time again...the time when I don't feel like being creative, so I head on over to Google Analytics and see what keywords have led web surfers to my humble little blog.

Here are the latest:

Simon's banana sling

Wrinkly old men body pictures

Seduce pizza guy

blackhead squeezer

caffeine makes you horny

gluttony pig

Kelly Ripa's ass

and last but not least

reverse testicle shrinkage!!!

So, if you ever need to learn about how to seduce a pizza guy wearing a banana sling with reverse testicle shrinkage, just head on over to Caffeine Court. I'm here to help.

Nothing says "I hate you" like a shoe to the face!!!

Did you see the footage of the Iraqi reporter throwing his shoes at President Bush? If you haven't Google it...it's hilarious. Bush is laughing while the guy wings his wing tips at his head.

It's classic holiday entertainment.

The answer to yesterday's riddle...

Congratulations to Just Ask Beth. She nailed my riddle EXACTLY.

A "sexual intellectual" is a FUCKING KNOW IT ALL.

Here's the definition according to Urban Dictionary

	A person who is clearly a fucking know-it-all. A blend of a smart ass and a douche bag - overall an annoying person that no one can stand.

Many of you came close to the second definition which is:

A person who knows a lot about sex. Not just having it (though that is the best way to learn), but also on a scientific and intellectual level. This person knows about and can discuss sex from a practical point of view.

I loved all your attempts at guessing. What a clever bunch.

If you haven't been over to Urban Dictionary you simply must pay them a visit.

They can teach you some really funny terms, such as Crop Dusting (farting while walking) or fo shizzle my nizzle which expresses agreement with a friend or cohort.

For example..."Would you like a cup of chamomile tea?"

"Fo shizzle my nizzle!!!"

Who says reading Caffeine Court isn't educational?

Probably some "sexual intellectual!"

There's a new girl in town!

We have a new neighbor! My mother and husband both told me about her a few weeks ago, but I finally caught a glimpse of her moving in today. She's not even unpacked and already she's the talk of our neighborhood. Why? Because she's a hot babe!

That's right, a piece of eye candy just moved in right across the street from me. My new neighbor is a single, blonde bombshell in tight jeans. How wonderful.

The funny thing is that most of us found out about her from our husbands. They all had the same funny tone in their voices when they told us, "WE HAVE A NEW NEIGHBOR." (As they attempted to sound nonchalant) Every single one of us picked up on the tone immediately and every single one of us knew instantaneously to ask, "What does she look like?" Let's just call it women's intuition.

I've heard this tone before from my husband, and I can always tell when a new hottie has come into his universe. When he mentions, "There's a new girl as work." I hear the tone and HAVE to ask. Oh yeah, what does she look like? "Well, Jay thinks she's good looking, but she's not my type." Yeah right.

I totally trust him, but I get such a kick out of it when he tries to pretend he's not looking. One time he told me, "She's not my type, she's too perfect!" Thanks alot buddy. Glad you like your women flawed.

A friend of mine's husband is a photographer and he works with models all the time. My friend was feeling insecure one day and she started whining to her husband. (This girl is a TOTAL Fran Drescher type) "You see perfect women all the time, I'm getting old. I know you want to be with a model!" (I'm sure hearing her whine really helped matters.) Since he's a nice guy he tried to appease her. "Don't worry honey, I couldn't get a model!" HA! Nice try.

The bottom line is, our new neighbor has added a little excitement to our quiet little street. In more than one sense of the word! I'm sure she's a nice woman and tomorrow I'll bring her some cookies (to fatten her up) and introduce myself.

But let me tell you sista, if she comes over and asks my husband to help her kill a spider or unclog a pipe she's gonna have to deal with the business end of my tennis racquet! 'Nuff said.

Aunt Ellen goes to jail (almost!)...

My aunt live 5 minutes away from my sister. (The one that has four children ranging in ages from 17 down to 5.) Anyway, she needed a photo taken for an I.D. card. She went to my sister's house and my sister took her picture with her digital camera. She then gave my aunt her CF Card. My aunt proceeded to go to CVS to get the photo printed. Since my aunt is not technologically savvy she asked an employee to assist her with printing the photo.

He inserted the CF Card into his computer and called up the images. (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING...)

Up pops about 25 pictures of my 5 year old nephew's bare butt, private parts and face! (There were some pictures of the dog's butt thrown in to add some variety to the mix!) Before you call the cops, it was pretty obvious that he had taken these photos of himself! My aunt was flabbergasted and I think the CVS employee could tell by the look on her face that she was as shocked as he was.

Needless to say my sister had a little talk with my nephew. Apparently he was "festering", as we call it, while mom was busy with his siblings and decided to have a private little photo session. Thankfully Aunt Ellen was not brought up on charges and the offending photos have been deleted from the family camera.

Whew. That could have gotten ugly.

Just another day in the life of my sister who if she had enough time should start her own blog!

*festering (verb)-when a child (usually the youngest) is left to his or her own devices while mom and dad are otherwise occupied. Festering activities may include cutting ones own hair, spilling nail polish on the couch or photographing ones private parts with the family camera.

My love/hate relationship with Starbucks...

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole. - George Carlin

I love George Carlin-he's so bitter!! (Kind of like the coffee at Starbucks!) But seriously-I DO have a love/hate relationship with Starbucks. Whenever I see one I feel like I HAVE TO go in and get a $10 latte. I usually don't like it and end up tossing half of it into the nearest trash can.

Sometimes the simplest things are the best-which is why I love my skanky 7-11 coffee with just a little half and half and a Big Gulp chaser-yummy!!! (Can you say WHITE TRASH!!!?) And I never have to stand behind some poser who takes 10 minutes to order one high maintenance cup of joe!!


CHEERS!!

Stumbled on this and thought I'd share...

My blog is becoming so commercial!!

Click on the image to jump to T-Shirt Humor. They have some very funny stuff and lots of blog related items.

Once again-I am not compensated for this endorsement. (Although I am hoping the VP of Marketing at T-Shirt Humor leaves a comment!)

YEAH, I KNOW-I'M STOOPING...

WARNING: This posting has been Rated R...FOR CRUDE AND OBNOXIOUS CONTENT...IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, PLEASE CLICK ON A LINK IMMEDIATELY!!!

You've got to take a look at THIS website..shopinprivate.com.
They sell all sorts of "stuff" you'd never want to be caught buying!
It's not for the faint of heart!

Some of their offerings:

Condoms for the little guy in your life!

Smaller Condoms - Four Seasons Tighter Fit

"Finding smaller sized condoms is very difficult these days. Smaller condoms are extremely popular with our visitors. Ordering them from us is a completely private experience."

I would not recommend these as a stocking stuffer-better if the condom is a little baggy than make your man feel "less than."

Breast Enhancers - Make Your Breasts Look Bigger

These are on my wish list!






I don't need to say a word about this one-
all I had to do was cut and paste!

Shit Be Gone - The World's Coolest Toilet Paper

Shit Be Gone cleans up your unpleasantries like a champion among toilet paper. How funny would it be to have this sitting in your bathroom during a party, or when your Aunt Vivi stops by? Come on. This is awesome. This is pure fifth-grade-humor hilarity.

Shit Be Gone toilet paper is pillow soft and 100% recycled. Also, it's 2-ply, so it's tough enough to handle your messiest jobs without tearing or falling apart. This isn't a cheap gag toilet paper. This is the real thing. Actual quality. You could use this stuff every day.

Stock up on Shit Be Gone for your office supply cabinet! Watch your co-workers come rolling of of the bathroom, laughing so hard they can't even use it.

(These people really think they're a laugh riot! I don't think ShitBegone would go over too well in any office I've worked in. Maybe at Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott would love it! "That's what she said.")

Here at Isdera Corp. we have Shit Be Gone in the executive bathrooms. Actually, this would be true if we had executive bathrooms, we just have two bathrooms. We have a ladies room and a filthy men's room. We use ShitBegone in both of them, although the men's room seems to use much more of it.

ShitBegone. Because it has to go somewhere.



Disclaimer: Mom, I'm sorry if you told some aunts and uncles about my blog. Hopefully they haven't been reading it. If they have I guess you have some explaining to do. I'm sure they already knew how immature I am. If not, they do now. It's no reflection on my upbringing. I was just born this way. Maybe you shouldn't have smoked when you were pregnant with me. I love you anyway.

OKAY-WHO'S BRAVE ENOUGH TO BE THE FIRST TO COMMENT ON THIS POST? C'MON I DARE YA!

This woman is hilarious!

I know what I said about moderation and all that crap. Just ignore me-I'm completely full of it.

Anyway, I was checking out Kymburlee's blog Temporary? Insanity and she mentioned this blog by a woman known as "The Chick."

She is out of control funny. I can't even begin to describe what she does-you have to see it for yourself. A little warning for the faint of heart. Her blog is definitely R-Rated, for strong language and violent bursts of angry ranting!

I want to party with this girl!

Stairway to Stardom (1982) - Michelle Sutlovich

Back in the 1980s, a public-access television channel in New York City aired Stairway to Stardom, an amateur talent show many see as a low-rent precursor to American Idol.

My friend Mitch is an expert on this show. Thanks to Mitch and the dedication of a few die-hard fans, Stairway has now become an Internet cult hit.

If you go on YouTube you can catch lots of these classic hilarious moments.

This one cracked me up. At precisely the same time (1982)-my cheerleading squad was doing a similiar dance to The J. Geil's Band "Flamethrower" during half-time at our basketball games. I had the exact same hair style as the lovely Michelle.

Make sure you catch the interview with Michelle following her dance number. It's hard to believe-she is self taught-with no formal dance training!!