The next entry in the writer's notebook...

Continuing on with my daughter's writing.

This one had me rolling on the floor...

A Complaint to McDonald's

Oh McDonald's

Why Are You So Fattening?

You only give toys to make money

Not to make little kids happy

You are just plain nasty

What if a person gets food poisoning from you?

Then how much would people like you?

You are unhealthy.

Someone told me your water is dirtier than toilet water.

So McDonald's...

The only good thing about you is...

YOUR MILKSHAKES...

Thank you-Meg

P.S. Burger King is better.

I swear, I think I'm going to have her write my blog from now on. She is way funnier than me!!

No Meg, there is not a Santa Claus...

Some of you have asked how a puppy purchased on November 15th is going to count as a Christmas gift when the kiddies run down to look under the tree.

Well, I'll tell you how.  We have an agreement and my daughters are going to learn to stick to it.  There will be stockings and a few of their small requests, but there WILL NOT be a pile of "My Little Ponies" "Littlest Pet Shop" products or or "Bratz Doll Styling Heads" wrapped and ready to be forgotten at the bottom of the toy box.

Catherine still believes in Santa.  So I told her that I contacted him and told him that her big gift was Buddy the Pug.  She accepted it without argument.  I'm hoping she is as understanding on Christmas morning.  I think she will be.  (Yeah, I'm delusional.)

I think too much crap under the tree is overkill and like I said, half the stuff they don't REALLY want anyway.

Which leads me to my next subject.  My 9 year old daughter Meg and Santa.  For about 3 years she has been told by classmates that there is no Santa.  She has been desperately clinging to the idea and claims to still believe, although she cornered me the other night and asked me to tell her the truth.  POINT BLANK.  I told her I didn't know what to say.  (I'm such a wise woman. Maybe I should write a parenting book.)  

It was almost as if she wanted me to tell her he didn't exist.  (Or maybe she wanted me to convince her he does...  Who knows?)

Anyway, she went to sleep, but I know it's time to tell her.  Any suggestions?

Oh and no, I'm not going to tell her Santa is dead.  I just thought this picture was funny, in a sick sorta way.

If for some reason she goes on my blog today. I won't have to worry about how to tell her, now will I?

A lesson in biology...

My daughter cheered at a Pop Warner football game last night, and I overheard this conversation as I passed a group of children hanging out near the bleachers.


7 year old boy yelling at 9 year old girl: (ANGRY)

I'll kick you in your balls!!!

9 year old girl: (Very calm)

First of all they're not called balls, they're called testicles. Second of all, I'm a girl, I don't have testicles.

Pause...


7 year old boy: (VERY, VERY ANGRY)

THAN... I'LL... KICK YOU IN YOUR VAGINA!!!!



At this point the boy's father heard his son's tirade and dragged the highly agitated lad away for a stern lecture on how to treat a lady.

The 9 year old girl and her posse looked quite pleased with themselves. I'm wondering what they said to him to get him so fired up!



Just another night of good, clean, family fun, here in the great Garden State.

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1.02.05

Beware "The Bad Seed"

There's a girl in my daughter's third grade (going into fourth grade) class who is such a piece of work!!!

She's very pretty, and does some "modeling." She also has a very bad reputation for being very, very mean.

My daughter has, for the most part, managed to steer clear of this girl's wrath and I am so glad...some of the stories I've heard are BRUTAL.

Anyway, this girl goes to our pool, which makes it pretty hard to avoid her in the summer. She's nice enough to my daughter, they play a little together, and when they do I watch like a hawk!!

Today at the pool "The Bad Seed" was playing with my daughter (since none of her other "cool" friends were around), when she noticed another little girl that she knows. I saw her swim over to her, give her a hug and then push her under the water. The other little girl came up out of the water gasping for air.

THEN, "The Bad Seed" climbed out of the pool and offered her hand to the other girl. Still gasping for air, she grabbed her hand. Bad Seed proceeded to let go of her hand and let her fall backwards into the pool.

She then asked innocently"are you okay???" Her "friend" seemed okay and Bad Seed helped her out of the pool. She put her arm around her to give her a little bear hug and then PUSHED her back into the pool! I was floored.

She then proceeded to jump in next to her victim, grab her by the forehead and pull her backwards into the water. At this point I had to step in and reprimand Bad Seed. (Yeah, yeah, I let it go on a little too long-but I couldn't believe how far she was taking it...The lifeguards were totally oblivious, as was her mother who was busy sitting on a lounge chair socializing.)

She took it pretty well. Getting yelled at doesn't phase her at all. I know for a fact that she is used to getting in trouble, she even has her own personal chair at the Principal's office. It did, however, stop her momentarily.

I couldn't believe how badly her little friend wanted to hang out with her...she was willing to put up with so much abuse just to play with the cool supermodel of fourth grade. It was fascinating, in a sad way.

Luckily my daughter totally gets it! When we got in the car to leave she said. "I think Bad Seed pretends to be friends with some people, just so she can pick on them."

BINGO.

Let's just hope my astute little child remembers that the next time the little Queen Bee offers to help her out of the pool.


Footnote: Have you seen the movie "The Bad Seed?" It's from the 1950's and it rocks. It's all about this sweet looking little girl who turns out to be pure evil. There's really over the top bad acting and the plot is straight out of "The Twilight Zone."

Pooh Hoo!

Today my daughter's third grade teacher sent home a newsletter with all the upcoming activities for the last two weeks of school.

At the end of the letter she put a quote...

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you
must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you
seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if
we're apart...I'll always be with you."

-Winnie the Pooh

I don't tend to get choked up very often. (It's amazing how Valium and vodka mellow me out! ) :) But this quote brought up alot of emotions for me.

First of all, I cannot believe how much my 8 year old has grown and matured in the past year. It hit home for me that before I know it she'll be a teenager. My five year old starts kindergarten in September and I will miss her terribly! She's ready and I know it's time.

As my girls grow up, I hope they remember those wise words from that cute little bear. That they are brave, strong and smart and that even though they are growing up, Mom is always with them and loves them more than words can say.

What a lame excuse...

This morning I asked my 4 year old daughter to brush her teeth. I went in the other room to do a few things, when I returned to the bathroom, she was sitting on the edge of the tub, playing her Nintendo DS. Her toothbrush sat untouched.

"Catherine," I said..."Did you brush your teeth?!"

Her reply, "I'm too busy battling a troll."

I guess warriors don't care if they have cavities.

I am officially... A PSYCHO!

The following story is a little detailed, but bear with me...I do have a point.

I'm not sure what the deal is, but lately I have been feeling unusually frustrated with the everyday challenges of life.

Today I drove my 8 year old daughter and two of her friends to tennis. I picked them up at school, gave them all a snack and a bottle of water, picked my 4 year old up at her school and proceeded to the tennis club. In the car they were being normal, LOUD little girls, but they were a little over the top. They spilled popcorn all over the back seat and in my opinion were acting obnoxious. It was really getting on my nerves.

Anyway, I got them all settled at their lesson and then had to pop by the grocery store to get food. (Catherine has been really sick for a few days and our cupboard was bare.) The closest supermarket to tennis is an A&P that I don't really like. It's overpriced and the people who shop their are a little too Stepford Wife-like for my taste. I had no choice, so off I went to the perfect little supermarket, full of perfect little people.

When we got to the market Catherine decided she wanted to go in the HUGE cart with the kid's car in the front. Cool, no problem at all. Half way through the cereal aisle she climbs out and starts crying. I could see she was exhausted, she could barely sit up in the cart. Soooo, I had to carry her throughout the supermarket while attempting to maneuver the 18 wheeler cart through the NARROW aisles. As I struggled to get groceries you would think at least one person would give me a sympathetic smile. Oh no...all I got were looks of complete annoyance. After all, I should have had the manners to leave my child at home with the nanny. (Oh shoot, I forgot I DON'T HAVE A NANNY!!! Sorry b---tches.)

FINALLY I managed to get to checkout. As I tried to get through the checkout line I realized it was too narrow for my cart. I tried backing out. No dice. I pushed forward. Nada. At that point I couldn't take it anymore. I positioned my foot squarely on the back of the cart and PUSHED. With a loud screach the cart careened forward almost freeing me. The checkout boy's face got all red and the manager yelled at me and told me I should have gone through the handicapped aisle. Ooops. In my state of extreme frustration I didn't see it. Silly psycho me.

At that point the people in the adjoining checkout lines were staring at me. I felt completely embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior.

I did my best to maintain some dignity. I paid for my food, loaded the cart with bags and then with one last KICK dislodged the cart from the tight squeeze between the candy display and the conveyor belt. I bid the checkout boy a fond farewell and left the store, trying to keep my head held high.

Not one of my better moments. I did, however, realize that I need to work on chilling out. I lost my cool, publicly in a store full of women whose life's work is to look perfect 24/7.

I tried to figure out what's bugging me, enough to make me act like a 2 year old in public and this is my conclusion. I'm not always the most consistent mom. I'm pretty lenient and they are taking advantage of me. If I don't take the bull by the horns now, I think I'm really going to be in for it!

My sister started having children ten years before me, she doesn't take crap from any of them. I used to think she was so strict. Now I know why.

One of my friends told me, "You need a big glass of wine tonight." I don't think that's the answer. I think what I need is a bottle of Valium and a parenting book.

The sooner the better.

A change of plans...

I was hoping to do a "Real Housewives of New York City" recap today, but unfortunately that won't be happening.

Apparently my adorable and precocious 8 year old decided there was an episode of "SpongeBob" that was more important than my stupid show. So she bumped me. This infraction seems to be happening "by mistake" more and more lately. Meanwhile, we have every single episode of "Zach and Cody," "Fairly Odd Parents" and "Wizards of Waverly Place" archived for all eternity.

Looks like I'll have to wait until tomorrow.


In the meantime...pickup from shcool is at 3:05 and...

Someone's got some splainin' to do!

Snow Day-HURRAY!

My girls have been waiting for this day all winter! FINALLY-we have snow (not ice) here in coastal Jersey! School was cancelled and they are having a ball!

I hope they enjoy it today, because this will probably be the last of it. :(

We just paid the beach club (cha-ching) so I have visions of beach chairs and warm sunshine dancing in my head!

Yay-snowballs!

The photographer enjoying a
cup of joe post-snowball fight! (go easy on me-I'm trying to grow out a REALLY short haircut!)

Let the games begin!

I've posted about this before, but I can see that my struggles are just starting UNLESS I can nip it in the bud. I'm talking about the games girls play. You know what I'm talking about..."Samantha said you're babyish..." "Charlotte said she doesn't like you..."

My daughter has a friend who always seems to know what everyone is saying about each other and feels it is her duty to report it. I call her "the reporter."(Which is kind of funny because this little girl's mom is the society reporter for our local paper...the apple never falls far from the tree!)

Yesterday I was driving some Brownies on a field trip and I heard the whole thing. Meg's friend reported to the group some things another girl said about them. What followed was everyone talking trash. Which I had to put an end to.

When we got home I had a talk with Meg. I let her know that if someone is telling her what so and so said about her, (in order to stir the pot and get attention) she can be sure that "the reporter" is going right back and telling everyone EXACTLY what Meg is saying about them. It's a game and a trap.

I gave Meg a matra today.

"I won't say anything negative about anyone. I will only say positive things. I don't want to hear anything negative someone has said about me. Only positive things. DON'T GET INVOLVED IN THE NONSENSE!"

I told her to trust me on this one. That she can learn about gossip and back stabbing the easy way, by rising above it, or the hard way, by playing the game. I pray she takes the high road, but I'm smart enough to know it's going to be a bumpy road.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!

Have you seen Hannah?

We haven't!

I tried to buy tickets the internet but the website said they were not available on-line. They neglected to mention that they were SOLD OUT until next Friday! I showed up this afternoon at the theater with three little girls in tow and it was a no go. The first tickets I could score are for Friday the 8th at 7 PM. Go Miley! She is one popular young lady. The theater was PACKED with little girls.

We ended up at Cold Stone Creamery consuming mass quantities of sugar. I think I OD'd on mix-ins.

So we'll have to wait another six days to see THE MOVIE EVENT OF THE YEAR!

I wonder if I'll be able to stand it.

Aunt Ellen goes to jail (almost!)...

My aunt live 5 minutes away from my sister. (The one that has four children ranging in ages from 17 down to 5.) Anyway, she needed a photo taken for an I.D. card. She went to my sister's house and my sister took her picture with her digital camera. She then gave my aunt her CF Card. My aunt proceeded to go to CVS to get the photo printed. Since my aunt is not technologically savvy she asked an employee to assist her with printing the photo.

He inserted the CF Card into his computer and called up the images. (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING...)

Up pops about 25 pictures of my 5 year old nephew's bare butt, private parts and face! (There were some pictures of the dog's butt thrown in to add some variety to the mix!) Before you call the cops, it was pretty obvious that he had taken these photos of himself! My aunt was flabbergasted and I think the CVS employee could tell by the look on her face that she was as shocked as he was.

Needless to say my sister had a little talk with my nephew. Apparently he was "festering", as we call it, while mom was busy with his siblings and decided to have a private little photo session. Thankfully Aunt Ellen was not brought up on charges and the offending photos have been deleted from the family camera.

Whew. That could have gotten ugly.

Just another day in the life of my sister who if she had enough time should start her own blog!

*festering (verb)-when a child (usually the youngest) is left to his or her own devices while mom and dad are otherwise occupied. Festering activities may include cutting ones own hair, spilling nail polish on the couch or photographing ones private parts with the family camera.

Christmas footnote...

The presents are all unwrapped, our guests have gone home and Christmas was a huge success. A few thoughts-post excitement.

Christmas Cards: Every year we send out a cute card (see below)...this year I was FLOORED by some of the photos I received. The quality was better than the images I see in Vogue and Harper's! Artsy black and whites, children walking through flower filled fields, or standing on docks dressed all in white. Top of the line. Not to be outdone, I've hired Steven Meisel to photograph my children for next year's card! :)

Santa: As I was hiding in my basement wrapping gifts I thought about how Santa has been stealing my thunder and I was VERY tempted to skew the gift giving in Mom and Dad's favor. I somehow managed to resist the temptation to take the credit and I'm so glad I did. It's probably the last year my 8 year old will believe in Santa-and it was so priceless to see how happy she was opening those magical gifts from the Big Guy!

All in all it was a fabulous day, lots of cousins, lots of noise and I am sore as can be from boxing my 16 year old nephew on the Wii!

Hope your holiday was as fun as ours!

NOT a Cinderella Story-aka Kids Say the Darndest Things!

As I was tucking my 8 year old daughter into bed tonight , I was thinking about how she will be singing in front of 500 people in less than 12 hours. She, on the other hand, had much bigger issues on her mind.

Meg: Mom? Did you know that Britney Spears' sister is pregnant?

Me: Yes, I heard.

Meg: Isn't she a teenager? And she's not married! That's unusual.

Me: Yes it is. (Such wisdom from Mom!!)

Meg: What's happening to that family? First Britney gets divorced, then she shaved her head, now her little sister is pregnant!

Note to self: I think I need to hide my National Enquirers a little better!

Oy Christmas Tree!

Tickled Pink and Green (who of course loves all things pink) posted a photo of a pink Christmas tree on her blog. The one she found was from Wal-Mart. After some deliberation we (her blogging buddies) decided that a little pink tree might be cute in the corner of a little girl's room. Well my mom jumped right on it. She purchased two little pink trees in Florida and shipped them up to Jersey. My daughters were delighted. My husband, HORRIFIED. He's a pretty traditional guy from Vermont and a fake pink tree is enough to send him over the edge.


Luckily he managed to hide his disgust from my daughters. I set the trees up in their rooms and they decorated them with jewelry, Littlest Pet Shop figures, My Little Ponies and Barbies.

These trees will never make the pages of Town and Country, but they are adorable. When my husband saw what they did it melted his heart. Even he appreciated the joy these little pink trees brought to his girls.

Today I noticed the latest issue of Blueprint Magazine. What is on the cover? You guessed it-a pink Christmas tree! Not the Wal-Mart one, but a good looking tree nonetheless.

You know what they say...

"Tacky is the new tasteful!"

We're such trendsetters!!!

"Good taste--What a dreadful thing!
Taste is the enemy of creativeness."

-Pablo Picasso

A Banner Moment

This morning a miracle occurred.

I experienced a moment I will never forget. I laid out an outfit for my four year old daughter. She walked in her room, looked at it and said "pretty!" She then proceeded to put the outfit on without hesitation.

Are you disappointed? Were you expecting me to say I won the Lottery or found a cure for the common cold? Sorry-that stuff might be miraculous to you, but this moment was completely rapturous for me...and I'm smart enough to never expect it to happen again.

Ugly is the new cute!

Have you seen the Ugly Dolls yet? These little suckers are really high on my daughters' Christmas list. They especially like the cute critter on the left. His name is Peaco. They also like Ox (see below) and Ugly Dog .

Ugly Dolls are adorable little pieces of art and they've won lots of awards. My girls might not get the puppy they want-but there WILL be Ugly Dolls under our tree this year!

Ox

Ugly dog

Don't we already have this?

This is the NUMBER ONE (literally) gift on my four-year old's Christmas list!

The Rescue Pets Train and Play Puppy

" A perfect first pet, he really drinks water, he burps too, and even lifts his leg to go pee-pee!"

Wow, he burps and pees! Super. Why buy it when we have three animals that not only burp and pee, they also throw up, poop all over the yard and occasionally have diarrhea!? If you're into that kind of stuff, here's a shovel-go out back and help mommy clean up!

Oh and Merry Christmas sweetie.

(I'm not a total Scrooge-I'm actually a SUCKER and I'm sure Santa will bring her one!) :)

"All my dogs have been scamps and thieves and troublemakers and I've adored them all."

-Helen Hayes