Wait 'til next week!!!

Here's a little more for you...

I need your guidance...

Mother's Day (May 10th) always coincides with my birthday (May 12th.) This year I've decided I'd like to get a really nice good quality everyday summer bag.

The question is...which one to get??

Here's a chance for you to shop without spending a dime.

Here are some that I like.

Hobo International Multi Braid Strap Shopper in Saffon

In Ivory?

or perhaps, in Mocha...


How 'bout this sweet little Michael Kors Astor Large Slouch Bag? This one comes in ivory too.



Let's start with these. I'm kind of digging the Michael Kors in the camel color.

How about you? Your opinion is important...

Critical Mass

My skin has reached the Michael Jackson Vitiligo stage, my hair is a stringy mess of layers and my house looks like an episode of Oprah where she humiliates people who's lives have gotten out of control.

Today is the day to change all that. I have a hair appointment at 10, my cleaning lady arrives at noon, and a spray tan at 2.

After I put a band aid on this mess, I will proceed to get to the nitty gritty of purging old winter clothes, paying bills and filing all the important documents lying in piles around the kitchen.

It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it.

I seriously think I have to let myself go. Keeping up the hair, working out, all that shit. Too time consuming. Waste of time. If I could just let go of the VANITY!!!

Gotta go. Time to clean up the mess that is currently my life.

Orange You Glad You Read Caffeine Court???

The thermometer topped off at 85 degrees today in Coastal New Jersey, which meant unless I wanted to die of heat exhaustion, I had to show a little skin.

My Irish German skin hasn't seen sunlight since October, so needless to say, I'm pretty pasty.

Thank goodness for self-tanning technology. I consider myself a pioneer in sunless tanning. When I was 7 I used to dip into my mom's QT tanner in an attempt to achieve the California bronze look promised in the ads.

Since then I've tried it all, self-tanners, spray tan booths and air brush tans. I've sported the Oompa Loompa look, the streaky blotchy ankles and the spray tan stained white t-shirts. I've made alot of mistakes, but after a great deal of trial and error, I have ALMOST perfected the art of a natural looking fake tan.

What you need to look natural: #1 Exfoliate the crap out of your skin. Which basically entails taking a loofah and a body scrub and removing the top layer of your skin.

#2 Find a good spray tanning salon and go with the LIGHTEST possible formula. Unless you are naturally very dark, this looks the best.

#3 Moisture like crazy all week. Eventually your bod starts will start to look like Michael Jackson's Vitiligo, at which time you repeat step #1.

Got it???

I know what you're going to say next, "Let's see pictures!!!" It ain't gonna happen people. I'm still working on the ass shoot. If that's successful, maybe I'll branch out to a before and after spray tan shoot, complete with shots of me in my black bra and underwear "assuming the position" at my local spray tanning salon.

I'll do anything for a good blog post.

Almost.

Hey there strangers!!

I wanted to pop in to say hi, but I can only visit with you for a second.

I wrote all about how I loved the idea of not over scheduling my children, when the reality is that this week is crazy busy. Lacrosse games, sleepover parties, tennis, t-ball, the school talent show...along with the regular school days. Crazy I tell you.

Next week will be better.

On a happy note, my daughter Meg sang a solo in her school talent show last night and it was beautiful. She's shy by nature, but boy does she love to step into the spotlight. I'm really proud of her.

The bad part is that the audience at the show was so RUDE!! Kids were trying to perform and everyone was talking really loud. Finally one of my friends stood up and FLIPPED out on all the obnoxious kids in the bleachers. It was classic. She scared the crap out of everyone for about 10 minutes, and then they started back up. I give her credit. Too bad the other parents and the teachers let their kids run wild.

The show runs for 3 hours, so tonight will be another long night of sitting in the audience with a bored 5 year old, surrounded by parents with grins glued on their exhausted faces.

It's all worth it to see the proud look on my daughter's face when she steps onto the stage.

On with the show!!!!.

Funky Jill aka Spoiled Middle Class Biotch Whines About How She Has Too Much To Do And Can't Play Enough Tennis

I've been in a bit of a "funk" the past couple of days.

Like most of us, I do alot. I'm in charge of the silent auction for a big fundraiser on May 20th, I'm class mom. I'm on the Art Show Committee, my next door neighbor has ALS, so I try to help their family when their burden is too great. I have a house to run. I have 1 husband, 2 children, 3 dogs, PLUS I have tennis!! Which I've cut down on quite a bit in the past 6 months.

Some people are superstars. They do way more than me and do it all to perfection. I, on the other hand, try my best to do as much as I can, but inevitably something's gotta give.

In my case, that's usually, the laundry, my children's bedtimes or serving a well balanced dinner to the family. I could give up getting 7.5 hours of sleep per night, to get more done, which would cause me to be a cranky biotch. In case you don't know what a biotch is...here's the Urban Dictionary definition.

.
	1. Biotch: (noun) a woman of unsavory character traits pertaining to negative or even belligerent attitude (ie. a pain in the ass or a moody bitch) I guess I could give up, tennis, or blogging, or being class mom. I could stick to cleaning the house and making healthy meals. There are worse things then that. I can't think of any right now, but I KNOW that there are. Or, I could get a job from 9-2 while the girls are at school. What kind of job? Who knows. I worked in the entertainment industry, in NYC before I had kids. NOT a 9-2 profession. Damn. Why didn't I get a nursing degree??? (Other than the fact that I'm squeamish and HATE needles and blood.) But seriously. I AM in a funk. I'm a little scared about the economy. I see so many families under so much stress. It's really freaking me out. How about you? Are you feeling the funk? One more thing...when I say I was in the "entertainment" industry. I do not mean prostitution or stripping. (Although if I had bigger boobs I'd consider it at this point. As long as I can drop my kids at school at 8:40 and pick them up at 3:05, I'm cool.) As I said before, these are tough times. We pampered housewives have to do our part to help our families survive. Now that I've said my part...I'm going to enable comment moderation. You people scare me!! :)