Kids teach us the darndest things!!

I learned a new term today. From my 9 year old daughter's best friend. That term is "Crisco."

What does it mean to describe someone as "Crisco?"

(If you don't already know, I'll provide the answer tomorrow.)

My newest strategy...

I did the best I could...

My dreaded tennis match is over. I didn't get lucky. My opponent had two very good hands. She wasn't grossly overweight and it appears she had 20/20 vision. She was in perfect health. All that and she was an amazing tennis player to boot.

To say I was intimidated would be an understatement. But I held it together and gave her quite a battle. I made her earn every point and I played the best tennis of my life.

In the end, I was defeated 6-4, 3-6, 2-6.

I can't be to hard on myself because I fought as hard as I could from start to finish.

She was just better than me.

Do I think back and wonder why I didn't hit more shots to her forehand or rush net a little more? Sure I do. But I'm still proud of myself. If I were one of my own mom I'd take me out for ice cream and pat myself on the back for a job well done.

After all, it's not whether you win or lose...it's how you play the game.

Isn't that what all the losers say? ;)

Finally!

I just talked on the phone for the first time with one of my blog friends!!!

Kind of sad actually, I've been doing this blog thing for almost 2 years and I've never managed to have a face to face, or even a conversation with any of my virtual buds. Until today.

One of my favorite blog buddies, Connie from Mrs. K gave me a pre-match pep talk to get me psyched for tomorrow. She had the cutest little accent and a killer attitude.

When I asked if I sound like I'm from Jersey she told me I sound like Teresa from Real Housewives. So after I'm done my tennis match I'll be calling a professional voice coach to work on my diction!!! Ba da bing!!

Hey, at least she's honest. I like that in a person.

We're considering taking our relationship to the next level soon and perhaps play a doubles match together the next time I'm in Florida.

So I have to make my new coach proud tomorrow and GO FOR IT!!!

In the meantime, if you'd like to hear my voice and see if I do, in fact, sound like a mafia wife from North Jersey, shoot me an e-mail with your phone number and give me a buzz.

I look forward to chatting with you!

DISTRACTIONS!

Just when I thought I was getting my life back on track...the French Open starts.

It's on the Tennis Channel all day long. Oh, mon Dieu!

In other news, have any of you seen the movie "Taken" with Liam Neeson? It seems I'm hearing so much about it lately. If you saw it, what do you think? Thumbs up?

I'm playing again on Thursday. They're giving me another chance at #1 singles after my humiliation at the hands of that spry old woman.

God give me strength.

Maybe I'll get lucky and play an 80 year old woman. Or maybe a blind woman. Or someone with no hands.

Hope springs eternal here at Caffeine Court.

Au revoir. Me souhaiter bonne chance!!!

Life is like a rollercoaster...

Full of highs and lows. Sometimes you're a superstar. Other times, a you're a big fat loser.

Today I was a big, fat loser. I lost my singles match 6-2, 6-2 to a 70 year old woman with huge boobs and skinny little chicken legs.

I felt like my worst tennis nightmare was coming true. In the first set she had me down 5-0 in less than half an hour. I suddenly came out of my fundraiser induced trance and realized I might not get even one game off the old gal.

I gave her a good fight from that point forward, but it wasn't enough. DAMN she was GOOD!!

I looked her up on the USTA website after the match. She plays on SEVEN different teams. SEVEN!!!! I barely have time for one. Damn. How the hell do you compete with that?

I think I'm going to have to give up housework, cooking and all volunteering at the school and start training in earnest.

My husband and family will just have to understand. My responsibilities are getting in the way of a winning tennis season!! These losses go down on my permanent tennis record.

This is a very serious situation.

Time to go sulk.

One down, one to go...

Today's fundraiser was quite a success. Here's a shot of the auction table...


And here's one of me and my gals...I don't know why they're so grainy. But I'm too tired to fix it today. Maybe tomorrow, after my big singles match at 10. Wish me luck.

Miss you.

I've gotta be honest with you...

I'm really surprised that I didn't get much response to my information on the mating habits of penguins.

Do you secretly think I'm whacked and decided not to comment on my bizarre observation? Did anyone wonder WHY I mentioned penguins engaging in intercourse?

Well, even if you didn't really care about my comment, I'm going to explain why I know about penguins in heat.

On Wednesday I accompanied my daughter on her kindergarten class trip to the aquarium.

As we sat in front of the penguin exhibit, our tour guide was giving a little lecture on the "ins and outs" of penguins. WHAT A COINCIDENCE...because as he explained the "ins and outs" of penguins, there were two penguins lying on the ground GOING AT IT!!!

The whole time he had his back to the display, a penguin porno show was going on. Unbelievably none if the children commented on, or even noticed the lovemaking session going on right before their very eyes.

The mom next to me did, however, notice.

As the class moved on to the seal exhibit we asked out tour guide if the one penguin on top of the other bouncing up and down rhythmically was indeed attempting to impregnate his girlfriend. We were correct. It's springtime, and the penguins are going at it like rabbits.

So there you have it. I've got nothing more to say.

Taking a time out from the chaos.

Holy hell. It's been an exhausting couple of weeks.


I sit here surrounded by a mess of a house absolutely LOVING getting back to my blog.





Here are some things I've learned this week.

1. Penguins sometimes mate in the "missionary position" beak to beak. It's quite romantic.

2. Working on fundraisers is for the very wealthy or super organized. Those of us who are neither will have everything in their home in complete disarray during the period in which their lives are dedicated to procuring donations, cataloging them and making up pretty baskets. So don't be thinking you're so cool Jill Zarin. Try running a fundraiser without a lackey doing all your laundry and cleaning your toilets. I DOUBLE DOG DARE you!!!

3. Wicker and/or rattan furniture is expensive as hell. So are nice cushions.

4. When you let the cleaning lady you've had for 8 years go, she will be VERY sad. And so will you.

5. It's amazing the difference having a nice USTA team tennis captain makes. No stress, no tension, no mind games, no gossip. Weird. In a good way.

Okay, that's all I've got. I can't write about "The Real Housewives of NYC Reunion" OR the premiere of "The Real Housewives on NJ."

Why?

Because I fell sound asleep last night after eating my birthday cake. Getting older has that effect on me.

In case you were wondering

I'm still here. Just buried. In life.

I should be coming up for air around May 21st.

I will, however, pop in here and there with status reports.

Miss you all terribly.

Real Housewives of NYC Finale Recap-The Conclusion

Okay, so on to the Moroccan Fashion Show. The whole gang gathered to watch Bethenny emcee and it looked like everyone had fun. But wait...where was Kelly? She was a no-show.

Time for more housewives drama, only this time Ramona and Jill team up...against Bethenny. As they set up the space for the countdown the charity event, Ramona and Jill complained that Bethenny — who brought in all the free liquor for the big event — had way too much signage up promoting her “Skinnygirl” cocktails behind the bar. And they went ahead and pulled most of the signage down before Bethenny even arrived. Ramona got Jill all fired up, and they assumed the worse about Bethenny. They didn't bother to call her, they just went ballistic. Pretty lame.

And now...the big moment. PARTY TIME!!! Simon showed up in the most heinous ensemble yet. He looked like his living room!! Only shinier. Kelly was totally digging his look “Simon is like a young girl in fashion who just can’t get enough,” she commented. So true. Especially the part about being like a girl.

In the most anticipated moment of the finale, Bethenny walked in and saw her big logo behind the bar and was quite pleased. But things went downhill pretty damn quick when she caught wind of Jill and Ramona's hissy fit regarding the signage.

Here's where it got ugly. Bethenny confronted Jill about it in the middle of the party, and wouldn't let up. The unflappable Bethenny was PISSED!!!!“Just say I’m sorry and we’ll be done!” Bethenny said, with veins popping out of her neck. Man, it was tense.

Jill’s response? “Leave.” Uh-oh.

You have to be really good friends with someone to go head to head like that and get over it. I think it says something about their friendship that they made up so quickly.

In the end, the fundraiser was a huge success. Thus ending Season Two on a happy note.

The icing on the cake was watching a very drunk Ramona dirty dancing with Simon.

Fun stuff.

Next week will be interesting. I can't wait to watch everyone ambush Kelly.

Yeah, my idea of entertainment is watching a bunch of rich ladies bicker.

You got a problem with that???? (Sorry, just getting ready for "The Real Housewives of New Jersey!!!")

The Greatest Gift of All

My birthday and Mother's Day fall within the same week and I came up with the BEST gift idea.

For an entire week, my husband cannot complain about the house being messy. It starts today and goes until next Tuesday. (When my cleaning lady comes!!!)

He's agreed to it, so the deal is done.

This is going to be the best week of my life!

Real Housewives of NYC Finale Recap-Part One

(Notice the STEP & REPEAT in the background!!!)

I'm going to do this in two parts because I already dedicated an hour to watching the episode, and if I spend another hour writing about it, then I truly am a loser.

Here goes:


We start the episode with the conclusion of the another Arthritis benefit meeting. Kelly and Bethenny have hashed out their little feud, so now it's time for Jill and Ramona to go at it.

Ramona shows up late as usual, but she has a nice surprise, a sponsor for the benefit who will donate $10,000. YAY! Jill feels this sponsor deserves a place on the "step and repeat." (You learn something new everyday!! I never knew there was a name for the sign that people get there picture taken in front of at events!!!! I'm so "declasse" as Ramona would put it!)

Anyway, Ramona is shocked that Jill would consider putting Zarin Fabrics on the "step and repeat" and they have a big old bitch fest, back and forth about whether or not it's tacky to put the name of your own business on the "step and repeat." In MY humble opinion, if your business is one of the event sponsors, why not put your name on the "step and repeat?" Apparently Jill won out on this argument, because the day of the event both Zarin Fabrics and Tru Renewal.

The focus then shifts to Alex. The big event is one week away, and she hasn't invited a single person. Ramona is appalled. As she very well should be. It's pretty lame to be on a committee and not invite any friends to an event. In this case, Ramona has a point, although she is always obnoxious when she makes one.

Moving right along. We jump to the Countess and Count and a completely anticlimactic scene where they ring the opening bell (or rather press the opening button) at Nasdaq. SNORE.

Jump to the Countess' crib and a little cooking lesson with Bethenny for Rosie, "the hired help."

I love the way Bethenny was so proud of herself for having a conversation with Rosie and treating her like a human being. You could tell LuAnn felt so uncomfortable having a real discussion with such a "lesser" being. And god forbid LuAnn give up Rosie for a few hours to take a cooking lesson. Who would interact with her children? Who would do all the dirty work? Certainly not THE COUNTESS! In her defense, LuAnn really knows how to work a catwalk. She has that down!!! You don't learn to strut like that if you have to do menial tasks like laundry and spending time with your children.

Next stop, the Jill ZAAAHRIN, Ally Shapiro, sex talk. Lovely. Nice staged moment. Apparently Jill can advise her daughter on sex because she's "done it all." Really Jill? Tell us about it? Is Bobby kinky? Does your gay husband Brad jump in for a little action when things get boring? TELL US!!!

Okay, time for this "Real Housewife of NJ" to go about my business. I don't have a Rosie, so I have to do all the nasty stuff myself.

Poor me.

Jumping The Shark

Jumping the shark a term to describe a moment when something that was once great has reached a point where it will now decline in quality and popularity. Origin of this phrase comes from a Happy Days episode where the Fonz jumped a shark on waterskis. Thus was labeled the lowest point of the show. Cousin Oliver on Brady Bunch, Scrappy Doo.

Now I am NOT saying this blog was every great, but I think I'm hitting an all time low.

Purse polls, videos of chubby kids getting strangled on rides, speculation about Zac Efron's sexual preferences!!! What's happening here?


I think my blog has "jumped the shark!"

Can I get my blogging mojo back?

Only time will tell people.

But I will tell you this, I have faith in myself. I've been down before, in other areas of my life, and I've always pulled it together with determination and a positive attitude.

I hope that you stick with me during my slump.

Trust me, things WILL get better.

Extemporaneous Blogging

I have no burning desire to blog about anything in particular, so I'm just going to wing it.

Here are some topics I've been thinking about:

The movie "17 Again." Took the girls to see it yesterday. I had heard it was inappropriate, but since they didn't show anyone getting killed or engaging in actual intercourse, I decided to take a chance. Yes there was some condom humor, and my daughters asked what the "things" they gave out in class were. I just said I wasn't telling and they accepted it.

Zach Efron is adorable, but my "gaydar" tells me he is not into girls and that Vanessa Ann Hudgens is a "beard." I wonder if he'll ever come out of the closet.

My poor 5 year old daughter. I think the movie bored the hell out of her. She spent most of the time slumped over in her chair with her eyes closed looking completely uninterested.

And there you have it...I think I have myself a blog post!!! A completely lame post, full of quotation marks and shallowness, but at least I have SOMETHING!

I'm not even going to attempt to continue.

My work is finished.

I know I've been cheating lately..

by posting a bunch of video clips, but if you haven't seen this one yet, you HAVE TO watch it. My question is...who is Janice, and what is her relationship with this kid

I seriously roll on the floor laughing when I watch this. Check it out.

Better late than never...REAL HOUSEWIVES RECAP

I'm a few days late, but here's my recap of this week's episode.

Let's start with the good stuff. KELLY AND BETHENNY.

What a completely bizarre conversation!! Kelly is so whacked. I've never seen such a shallow, insecure/egotistical person in my life!!!

I have to say that Bethenny started the whole thing when she called Kelly on not acknowledging or remembering that she had met Bethenny multiple times in the past. Most people would just let it go, but she was hell bent on bringing it up. After that it became a clash of egos. Since Bethenny is sharper and less nuts than Kelly, she always comes out looking way better than Kelly.

It's pretty funny. I think Kelly came on the show thinking everyone would be so thrilled to have her, and the reality is...she has only succeeded in revealing to a world of people who had no idea who she was before, that she's a crazy, aging, model, desperately trying to hold on to the "hotness" that she once had.

Which is why I'm SO GLAD I was never a supermodel. Being 43 is hard enough having to stare at old magazine copies of Vogue Magazine with your face on the cover and pining over days gone by. Me, I'd rather stare at old pictures of my bad perms and feel great that I look so much better now!!!

Oh, and Alex and Simon's decorating job. HEINOUS. Bordello pretty much sums up their style.
More to come...