Caffeine Court Productions

I've decided that I want to be a television producer.

The first show I'm pitching to the networks is called "Project Cougar."

The premise of the show is regular housewives get made over to be hot mamas.

It's not too extreme. Just small implants (if necessary), workouts with a trainer, a little Botox and Restylane, perhaps a nose job and chin lipo.

We'll also throw in waxing and spray tanning.

Our participants will also receive total hair and makeup overhauls with top beauty professionals. Oh, and of course all the ladies will receive brand new, super hot wardrobe makeovers.

I will be appearing on the first episode and will have each and every one of the procedures listed above.

If you'd like to go on the show, please let me know, and I'll e-mail you an application.

All participants must travel to the New York area for their makeover.

This TV producer gig has to fit in with my children's schedule, so I can't be inconvenienced by travel. You need to come to me.

I'm thrilled that I finally found a career, so don't you go shattering my dream by telling me this has already been done a million times in magazines and on other TV shows. I don't want to hear any negativity. All the great ones were told their dreams could never come to reality. This is my passion, my life's work, and I'm GOING TO make it happen.

(Anonymous...are you out there? Are you just DYING to call me an idiot. C'mon. Do it...I dare you!!! My e-mail address is on the sidebar. I'll be waiting to hear from you.)

Goodbye Michael

I haven't commented on the death of Michael Jackson, but I got a chance to watch some of his memorial service today, and I was really touched.

It was sad to see such a mix of genius and sadness. I was particularly struck by Brooke Shields' tribute and Jermaine Jackson's rendition of the song "Smile."

Of course, the most heartbreaking moment was when Michael's daughter Paris expressed her love for her father.

He was indeed an strange man, but his music was awesome and a huge part of my life when I was growing up.

I hope he has found the peace and happiness eluded him in his life.

Goodbye Michael

My first bout with the flu...

Hope everyone had a fun 4th.

We did, despite the fact that I felt like HELL!

Thursday and Friday I was having "stomach issues" but I still managed to go to the boardwalk, and the beach and to the fireworks.

Saturday I started to feel an exhaustion unlike any I've ever experienced. In addition to the extreme fatique, my body HURT. Every muscle and joint ached. But we had company that we invited to the beach for fireworks, so I soldiered on, preparing food (contaminated I'm sure), and lugging it to the beach. I hung out and chatted, jammed out with the DJ and smiled, while I felt like I was going to drop dead.

By Sunday I was a zombie. I couldn't even lift my left arm. This is how bad it was....it was SO bad, that I could only watch the last set of the Federer-Roddick final at Wimbledon. Does that put it into perspective?

At around 5 pm, I managed to google my symptoms.

I was convinced had either Lyme disease, swine flu, fibromyalgia, or Epstein Barr.

And then, like a miracle, I awoke this morning and sprung from my bed. feeling like a human being.

It was a beautiful thing.

The only bright side, of getting so sick is that I completely appreciate how great it is to feel healthy, and have energy.

Being sick sucks.

Would you like a piece of this?

It's funny that some commenter calling me an idiot got me all fired up. I'm finding that as I get older little things can trigger my rage. Last night someone in my neighborhood shot a firework off and it hit my house. You should have seen me with my big flashlight running around my front yard. What made it even funnier is that I saw my neighbor scurry into his house and flick off his lights when he saw me in hot pursuit of the firework culprit.

I never really know how I'm going to react to things. Sometimes someone hitting my house with a firework would roll right off my back. Same thing with some bored, nasty, person calling me an idiot. It really depends on the time of the month.

Which brings me to the picture.

Looks delicious. Nothing better than a big slice of sugary, creamy, uterus. What do you think of this hysterectomy cake? I think its hysterical.

Picture courtesy of "Cake Wrecks." A very original and funny blog.

Go check it out. Do it. I'm in a mood, and if you don't I might get all pissy on you, and nobody wants that.

I'm calling you out...

If you read the comments from my last post you'll see that some anonymous reader thinks I'm an idiot.

That's fair. We're all entitled to our opinions. My only problem with this person is the fact that he or she is a COWARD and can only call me an idiot behind the mask of ANONYMOUS.

Since I am believe so strongly in freedom of speech, I will express my opinion of ANONYMOUS. Only I won't hide. You know who I am. My picture is in the sidebar.

I think you are a lame, hostile, wimp who is afraid to call me an idiot to my virtual face.

I have disabled anonymous comments for the time being.

So come on out anonymous.

I love a good debate. Let's go toe to toe, in the ring, with our gloves off.

Bring it on.

My blog has been kind of lame lately, and this kind of thing is just the ticket to livening things up.

Thank you in advance.

Get a job!

Once again, my husband is asking me if my resume is updated so I can find a job once school is back in session.

I've had a few suggestions for jobs that might be suitable for me including teaching or real estate. Both are very noble professions, but I don't know if they really fit my "skill set."

I've been deliberating and I've come up with some jobs I would love.

1. Tennis pro

Who plays in over 40 tournaments while the girls are at school and brings in huge amounts of prize money...(yeah, yeah, I know I have to WIN to get prize money...but that's a small technicality) I could also endorse products like Ben Gay and Midol.

2. Person who drives around in a golf cart at a golf course and sells drinks and snacks.

(Only if it pays over 50 grand a year.)

3. Character actress.

(Who does one film a year, in the summer, and can bring my children to the set so they can travel the world and see lots of exotic locales.)

4. Blogger.

(With ads that bring in huge amounts of revenue.)

Those, my friends, are my kind of jobs.

If you know of anyone that's hiring, drop me an e-mail.

Make sure you specify which position so I can doctor my resume.

I'm playing a little game tonight...

It's called,

"How much Facebook, Twitter, blogging, ice cream eating and Wimbledon watching can a middle aged New Jersey Housewife partake in, before her body and brain turn to mush?"

I've been at it for a few hours, and I'm not done yet. Maybe I can find a way to raise some money for charity whilst I fritter my life away.

Let's see...okay, I've got it.

I'm looking for sponsors. If you would like to donate a dollar for every hour I keep this up, I will donate the money to a worthy cause If I'm going to be a sloth, the least I can do is parlay my laziness into a way to help others.

Let me know if you'd like to help, and I'll let you know where to send your check (preferably made out to CASH!)

Now I'm going to hop back over to Facebook to take another stupid quiz.

Catch y'all later.