The nerve of this guy!!

I heard some giggling in my daughter's room the other day, and THIS...is what I found!

Can you believe it?! I KNEW that Elf on the Shelf was a sneaky looking dude.

I don't know who to blame...Kurt the Elf, or these sleazy Bratz dolls. Such sluts! I caught them fondling a Ken doll around Thanksgiving, and now this!

To add insult to injury, I found an empty bottle of Jim Beam spilled all over my daughter's floor. THANK GOODNESS my children were at school at the time. I don't want my innocent little girls tainted by the tawdry antics of this horny elf and his plastic concubines.

I told my little one that Kurt has been transferred to a family in Texas. He is no longer welcome in our home.

If you happen to have one of these sneaky little elves in your home, keep a very close eye on him. Hide your Barbies, and make sure you lock your bathroom door when you take a shower. Behind that cute little smirk lies an alcoholic pervert just waiting to take advantage of unsuspecting families, trying to add a little holiday magic to their children's lives.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

On a lighter note, Merry Christmas to you all.

I leave you with this quote from Dr. Seuss' "How The Grinch Stole Christmas."

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

That one gets me every time. Truly. It brings a tear to my eye. Dr. Seuss is brilliant.

I feel so blessed that I will spend my Christmas surrounded by the ones I love. I am so thankful for my amazing family and friends, and despite the fact that I haven't been blogging much, I am very grateful for all the wonderful people I have met through Caffeine Court.

Stay safe and I will be back in 2011!

Can you re-gift a post??

I guess technically, you can't. But you CAN repost a post.

Sooooo...without further adieu...here's a post from December 2009.

Christmas Letters: Writer Discretion is Advised...

Here's what NOT to write...

Dear Friends,

2009: the year (and the decade) ends. If we were like most of you, we'd be exhausted, but since we are better than you, we feel exhilarated!!

We're thrilled to report that our entire family is healthy, happy and excelling at all we do.

We realize that the economy is tough. Many of you are out of work or struggling to make ends meet. We feel for you.

Happily, our careers are thriving. Things on the job front are all moving in a positive direction. My company is growing in leaps and bounds. I received a big promotion along with a raise and bonus. We are so thankful for our good fortune and the sky is the limit.

Maryann has been teaching five courses at the university. All were at the masters level. She has traveled the country lecturing to sold out crowds in Boston, Denver, Philly and Chicago.

She also worked as the General Contractor on our massive home renovation. Wait until you see our new Chef's kitchen, home theater, incredible master bath and full finished basement. We certainly hope it makes you green with envy!!!

Onto the kids!!! Evan (12) is a lacrosse and baseball champion. In addition to making straight A's he has been playing on 5 undefeated teams and attending many prestigious lacrosse camps in his "free time."

Riley (9) continues with her rigorous ice skating program and we have our sights set on the 2018 Winter Olympic Games! Having such a talented daughter is quite an adventure and we thank god every day that he gifted her with such skill and grace.

And let's not forget little Will. (7) Will is the family daredevil. He has won a trophy case full of awards in snowboarding, surfing and skateboarding. It's amazing how he masters whatever he tries with such gusto and skill!!!

Well, that wraps up another chapter in our busy, blessed lives.

May you all be as lucky as we are in 2010.

With love-

The Fab Family

Oh and by the way...I live a few doors down from the Fab Family. I exaggerated their letter, but the REAL letter is embellished so damn much, it should win an award, for SCIENCE FICTION!!!

The card has been ordered!

Retro Wheel Green Christmas Card

Shop Shutterfly.com for elegant Christmas photo cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

It's been way too long!!!!

It's been almost a month since I last sat down at my laptop for any other reason than to check my bank account, shop for Christmas gifts or mindlessly browse Facebook.

I've lost that blogging feeling.

Blogs are like plants. They need attention and care, or they end up dried up in the corner, all shriveled up and brown.

My blog has reached that point, but all is not lost.

Even though Caffeine Court appears to be on it's last legs, there is still one little green leaf hiding behind the dead foliage.

I am going to take that little leaf and nurture it...and perhaps one day, my blog will be in full bloom once again.

WOW. No wonder I haven't blogged in so long. That was pathetic.

Anyway, I'm back, for now. Life has thrown me a few curve balls of late, but nothing I can't handle, and I remain optimistic that all is well. Life works in cycles. You've got to take the bad with the good, right?

On that note, I'm going to list some of the GOOD stuff that's been going on:

-A very big fundraiser for my daughter's school that I was on the committee for, was a HUGE success. Despite the sorry state of our economy, we raised a ton of money AND had a great time while we did it. (Oh and I discovered the magic of splurging on a blowout the day of a big event. It's totally worth it to have movie star hair when you are going to be hobnobbing with 250 of your closest friends.)

-My tennis game is smokin'. I know that can change at any time, but as of late...I'm on fire.

-One of my best friends is training to be a Pilates instructor at a really swanky studio that I could never afford to go to. She needs 75 hours on the machines, so I have been getting lots of free one on one instruction. It feels sooo good and it's very relaxing. The downside? I look like I'm having a seizure when I do the abdominals. After two c-sections, my abs are worthless and weak.

-I had a very Happy Thanksgiving at my little sister's house in Maryland. Both my sisters were there along with all our children. I love them all so much and we always have a great time together. (I won't get into the details of a very heated public argument my youngest sister and I had at the Christmas Festival from Hell that she took us to. THAT was a low point, but the kids really enjoyed watching us go at it. It was like something straight out of "Real Housewives of NJ." Not one of my best moments. Isn't it amazing what stress, no sleep, no food and a hot, loud, crowded room filled with mutants can do to a person? My husband still hasn't recovered from it. MORTIFIED doesn't even begin to describe how humiliated he was. (But he still loves me...remarkable.)

-Oh and one last thing. My eyebrows are loookin' good. I went to one of the BROWISTAS at the local Arch Brow Bar and they worked their magic on me. What a difference. Seriously, it's like an eye lift.

If you want an instant, major improvement in your appearance, go to someone who knows how to do brows. It will change your life.

It's been so nice touching base with you.

We really should do this more often.

On Politics and Manners

Another election has come and gone. If you've been reading this blog long enough, I'm sure you know I am very pleased with the outcome. I'm not going to do a victory dance or get all in your face about how happy I am, but I feel good.

What I don't feel good about is the nastiness that comes out during election time.

Yesterday on Facebook it was madness.

Friends of mine from high school posted the most absurd and rude pictures, including this:

and this...

I found these annoying and immature, and I thought to myself, "don't even dignify it with a response..it's not worth it." And then, what did I do????

I TOOK THE BAIT!!!

I wrote a little note to each of these people letting them know, in a nice way, that I found these photos offensive.

Big mistake.

Why? Because people who put stuff like this up on the internet are not rational if you don't agree with them. If you disagree with Obama's policies they start screaming about Bush and they can get VERY nasty.

One of their favorite tactics is to become pompous and condescending.

Here are a few choice comments from some of my exchanges yesterday...

"I lived in Europe and we were a laughing stock when Bush was in office." (She lived in France...not exactly a model for good government. Things are a MESS in France. But I'm sure they all felt really good about themselves while they sat around drinking wine and talking about the "ugly Americans.")

"It's some place, this Duhmerica, isn't it?" (Apparently yesterday's election results were based on stupidity...I guess voting Republican means you are STUPID. It's a shame that they hate this country so much. Very sad indeed.)

"I just hear so much blather, such utter nonsense, particularly from IDIOTS like Glenn Beck. Sheer nonsense. And then I hear people parrot it back, like it's true."
Not everyone who votes Republican is an IDIOT who is simply parroting back the opinions of Glenn Beck. To imply that that is the case is once again...pompous and RUDE!

"Love ya too, you wingnut fascist demagogue! Joke!" The adult equivalent of "those shoes are so ugly!! Just kidding!! They're cute. Why are you upset?? I was KIDDING!!"

And the piece de resistance...

Great. Let's put back into power the same party that fucked everything up. THAT WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING. Congratulations America, on your short term memory loss and idiocy.

Get over yourself. Do you think you could have voiced that opinion in a CIVIL tone? No, you can't, because you are so much smarter than everyone else, aren't you? And it makes you SOOOO MAD that people who don't agree with you are SO DAMN STUPID!!!! GRRRRR!!!

Later today, I'm going to do a little housecleaning on Facebook. I'm certainly not going to eliminate my friends who disagree with me politically. I respect their opinions and I welcome a good debate. A good political discussion is a beautiful thing, when you can keep things respectful.

If you can't play nice, then you're off the Caffeine Court team. CUT!!! Take your ball and go play with the other SMART mean kids.

Before I go, remember this...tolerance and diversity are what makes this country great. (Yes, I think America is a great country...DUH.)

Practice what you preach.

RESPECT.

Peace out.

Mrs. Overly Competitive Middle Aged Team Tennis Player....

I was driving in the car today, when I heard the radio version of this commercial....it's one of Bud Light's hilarious "Real Men of Genius" spots...

This particular spot really hit home for me because it's all about ME...on the tennis court.

A few of the phrases really rang true...(sing the words in red...)

"A little competition never hurt anybody...unless of course that person happens to be the person you're playing against. Bring on the pain."

or

"Blazing speed? NO! Great hands? NO? Unresolved issues over being cut from the team 17 years ago? BIG TIME!!!! I still have issues!"


"You leave it all out on the field (court)...your blood, your sweat, your dignity. Dignity is overrated!!!"


No kidding. Just ask my sister. I played against her a couple of weeks ago and she laughed at me the entire time. The mean look on my face, the way I hurled my body across the court after every ball paying no mind to how absolutely hideous I looked as a flailed my 45 year old body around the court with full gusto.

It's quite a sight. Perhaps someday I'll have someone video me and post it for your enjoyment.

Picture the dude in this commercial with longer hair and a tennis skirt:



Sooooo, if you ever want to join me for a "friendly" game of tennis. FUHGGEDABOUT IT!!

I've got issues!!!

But at least I admit it.

The Breaking Point

I'm up, at 4:30 in the morning.

Why? You ask.

Well, I'll tell you why. About 30 minutes ago, I was rudely awakened by a deafening crash.

I leaped from my warm bed, thinking an intruder had entered my home.

I should have known better.

I entered my bathroom and there was glass everywhere, and in the middle of it stood my cat, licking up the water all over the tile floor and purring loudly.

I grabbed some paper towels and a broom and proceeded to pick up the mess. I then proceeded to wake each member of my family to ask them to avoid the area until I can vacuum at the crack of dawn.

Like the glass, I might have reached my breaking point.

Owning 3 dogs and a cat is starting to get to me.

(Okay, it's been getting to me for a long time, but I'm finally admitting it.)

I love them so much.

Too much.

But cleaning up the hair, poop, and throw up is wearing me down.

Throw in the vet bills, nail trimming, brushing, meds, helping my elderly Lab up and down the stairs as well as cleaning up the garbage every time my Dachshund gets in the trash and getting yelled at by my husband each time the Pug jumps on the couch and it really gets ugly. (Yes, it's a run on sentence, I know...cut me a break...I'm TIRED!!!)

Oh, have I mentioned finding someone to care for this menagerie every time we go away? Not an easy task, but easier than the pain I feel if I board them all for a week.

CHA CHING!!

Oh yes, I forgot to tell you about the humiliation of running up and down my street with a hot dog if one of them gets out and tries to run down a busy road, or the screams of scared children who are afraid of dogs and come to visit our home.

Do I sound bitter?

I'm really not, because my love for them makes it all worth it.

But I am tired.

Very, very tired.

I guess nothing good comes easy.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go clean out the litter box.

(Unless one of the dogs gets hungry and beats me to it.)

Thanks for listening.