Caffeine Court FULL THROTTLE!!!

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

We had a blast. My first order of business upon arriving at my sister's house was jumping on my nephew's MINI minibike to tool around the yard for my family's amusement.

I decided to take that baby up as fast as it would go...I came cruising down the hill feeling like "Easy Rider" and enjoying some speed. As I approached the crowd of spectators and the upcoming driveway (filled with cars) I decided I'd better slow down, I let go of the throttle and realized it was stuck!!! I couldn't slow down!

Considering the fact that I haven't been on a minibike since 7th grade, I didn't know what to do. I pictured myself hitting the driveway at full speed and made the snap decision to ABORT.

I jumped off the minibike and hit the ground HARD. When I first hit I thought for sure I broke a rib. I pulled off my helmet and saw the bike, still running hurtling towards the neighbor's yard.

Lucky for me it got stuck in a bush. After a great deal of laughter, my nephew mentioned to me that "yeah, sometimes the throttle gets STUCK." Gee Kyle, thanks for telling me that before I got going at full speed!! Luckily no children or animals were killed and got off easy with some bruised ribs.

After a few glasses of wine, I felt much better. Pinot Noir and turkey have great healing powers!

Now it's back to the old routine. I don't know how I'm going to top my Thanksgiving stunt this Christmas. Maybe I'll bungee jump off the roof!!


Have a Wonderful Thanksgiving...and then GET BACK TO WORK!!!

I'm off to my sister's haunted house in Maryland to enjoy a little family togetherness.

Before I go, don't forget that the deadline for my "Get Your Shit Together Challenge" is Monday!!!

On Monday I will go to your respective blogs and check out all your hard work. The person who I feel has accomplished the most receives the coveted prize...

A $75 Southern Living at HOME Gift Certificate!!!!

So enjoy that family time and then get back to those closets, bookshelves and junk drawers. Make me proud!!! You'll be "thankful" that you did it.


Here's What's Playing at the Caffeine Court Multiplex...

The holidays are here again, which means it's time to spend quality time with our loved ones.

My girls love movies, but it's tough to find films that appeal to them AND me! Some movies like "Ice Age" and "Madagascar", I find painful to sit through, and I only tolerate them because they make the kids happy. Scary movies are out of the question, so we don't watch any Harry Potter, Batman, or Spiderman. (Brad and I save those for date nights!)

Comedy is the genre that we all love, so here is my short list of movies my that my whole family loves!

1. Elf

Will Ferrell plays Buddy, a very large human who was raised by Santa's Elves at the North Pole. Will Ferrell is a total trip and we never get tired of watching this holiday flick. Classic scene: when a dwarf kicks Buddy's ass.

(Bonus: James Caan plays Buddy the elf's long lost Dad-and I LOVE James Caan!)

2. School of Rock

Yeah, I know, there's some adult language..but other than that, this movie is hilarious and the kids like fantasizing that they could be in a rock band.

Even if you don't approve of letting your children watch a movie about a loser alcoholic who lies and breaks the rules, rent it on your own and watch it. Jack Black is absolutely hilarious.

3. Shrek

No bad language, great music and funny as hell. Pure genius and it never gets old, no matter how many times you watch it.

4. Daddy Day Care

This movie relies on pratfalls and poopy jokes, which makes it our kind of movie!

Late additions:

I just thought of a few more that my kids and I LOVE...

"Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." I love it so much that for years I got myself spray tanned just so I could look like an Oompa-Loompa!

"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" A bizarre remake of the original with an amazing sountrack!!

The 1998 re-make of "The Parent Trap. " Lindsay Lohan was adorable before she got all messed up - and Dennis Quaid is smokin' as usual!

This is the last one, I PROMISE. Here's another good one with Lindsay L. The remake of Freaky Friday. VERY ENTERTAINING. Especially for girls.
What movies do you actually LIKE that you can watch with your children?


Life with Buddy aka A CRY FOR HELP!

It's been 8 days since I adopted our newest family member and what a week it has been.

Granted, I've had puppies before, but this is the first time I've attempted it with 2 children, a demanding husband (no offense), 2 dogs a cat and a recently remodeled house. It adds quite a bit to the degree of difficulty.

My life pretty much goes like this...

Wake up tired from getting up at 2 am and taking puppy out, take Buddy out of crate. Take him outside.

Feed Buddy, take him out again, or clean up poop or pee if he doesn't make it out in time.

Soothe 5 year old daughter who was wrestling with Buddy and got bit on the finger..HARD with his sharp little teeth.

Pull shoe out of Buddy's mouth.

Pull crayon out of Buddy's mouth.

Pull curtain out of Buddy's mouth.

Feed kids breakfast.

Take them upstairs to get dressed. Hear barking. Buddy is stuck behind the dresser. Wedge him out.

Brush teeth, brush hair, realize we are running REALLY late. Run around yelling.

Pack lunches while holding puppy with one hand.

Throw puppy in crate and rush out the door.

Repeat, over and over and over again EVERYDAY.

(For variety throw in occasional trips to the vet and Petsmart.)

This is the life of a girl who didn't get married until she was 33. Who loved hanging out reading books, going to brunch with friends, and generally slacking at my leisure.

I did laundry when I felt like it. I ordered in. I partied like a rock star. And sometimes I got really lonely.

Those days are over. No more slacking. 2 loads of laundry a day. And always surrounded by little creatures, begging for my attention.

Would I trade my current life for my carefree bacholorette days? Hell no! All those parties, weekends at the beach and goofing around with friends was TORTURE.

I love chasing puppies, vacuuming, cooking, loading the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher, grocery shopping, cleaning out litter boxes, I LOVE IT!!!!

Do I desperately need a Girl's Night Out? FUCK YEAH!!!! (OOOPS...excuse my language, I'm really tired....really, really tired, like about to SNAP tired...Don't worry about me, I'll be okay.)

Anyway, as I was saying. My life is great. Now pass me a valium and a big glass of vodka.


You'll never see this scene on "The Waltons"..

The scene: The Caffeine Court Residence

The cast: Jill (the family matriarch), Meg (her precocious 9 year old daughter), and Catherine (her outspoken 5 year old daughter.)

The scene opens, the family is spending a quiet Saturday morning hanging out and listening to a random mix off iTunes.

Katy Perry's hit song "I Kissed a Girl" comes on.

Catherine: "She kissed a girl??? Why did she kiss a girl?!"

Meg: "Because she was DRUNK!"


Cut to commercial.


What's your THING?

What do I do when I'm burnt out and have nothing to say? Yeah, yeah, the puppy is wearing me down...

What I do is pull out a post from last year!!! Enjoy!!!

My sister plays soccer on a ladies' team. Her new neighbor asked, "Is soccer your THING?" My sister didn't know how to answer. She said she doesn't know if she has a THING. She almost felt bad that she didn't. She plays soccer once a week, works part-time as a nurse and dabbles in the PTA. But she doesn't have a thing per se. I think her thing is being hilarious, she cracks me up!

Unfortunately that isn't enough for her. My poor little sister has 'THING Envy."

My friend Sandy's husband's thing is his band. My other sister's thing is being a sports mom. My friend Tricia's thing is her involvement in every committee in our town. My thing is tennis.

Having a THING is wonderful, but I don't think my youngest sister should feel bad for not having one. She's probably better off. Sometimes the THING we're known for can take over our lives and overshadow some of the really important stuff. Too much of anything is never good. (With the exception of caffeine!) :)

You know where I'm going here...What's your THING?

New topic alert!

Attention Collage members! I know I've been neglecting our group effort, but I just put up a new topic.

Let's talk money!


No Meg, there is not a Santa Claus...

Some of you have asked how a puppy purchased on November 15th is going to count as a Christmas gift when the kiddies run down to look under the tree.

Well, I'll tell you how.  We have an agreement and my daughters are going to learn to stick to it.  There will be stockings and a few of their small requests, but there WILL NOT be a pile of "My Little Ponies" "Littlest Pet Shop" products or or "Bratz Doll Styling Heads" wrapped and ready to be forgotten at the bottom of the toy box.

Catherine still believes in Santa.  So I told her that I contacted him and told him that her big gift was Buddy the Pug.  She accepted it without argument.  I'm hoping she is as understanding on Christmas morning.  I think she will be.  (Yeah, I'm delusional.)

I think too much crap under the tree is overkill and like I said, half the stuff they don't REALLY want anyway.

Which leads me to my next subject.  My 9 year old daughter Meg and Santa.  For about 3 years she has been told by classmates that there is no Santa.  She has been desperately clinging to the idea and claims to still believe, although she cornered me the other night and asked me to tell her the truth.  POINT BLANK.  I told her I didn't know what to say.  (I'm such a wise woman. Maybe I should write a parenting book.)  

It was almost as if she wanted me to tell her he didn't exist.  (Or maybe she wanted me to convince her he does...  Who knows?)

Anyway, she went to sleep, but I know it's time to tell her.  Any suggestions?

Oh and no, I'm not going to tell her Santa is dead.  I just thought this picture was funny, in a sick sorta way.

If for some reason she goes on my blog today. I won't have to worry about how to tell her, now will I?


The Face That Rocked My World...

Meet my new son. Buddy. Dog number three. (In addition to our cat and hermit crab.)

I have no idea what came over me. Saturday my daughters and I went to a puppy store to look at pups. The next thing I knew we were sitting with this little Pug in our laps and the girls were begging to bring him home.

I started picturing Christmas morning, frantically opening a bunch of crappy toys that would end up in a Rubbermaid container in the basement when I decided to make an offer. 

"What if this dog was our only Christmas gift Our family gift?" They lit up, cheeks rosy, jumping up and down. Before I know it I was filling out paperwork and writing a check. "What's the matter Mommy? You don't look happy." My oldest daughter implored. "I AM happy!!" I said while my heart pounded in my chest. I was FREAKING out. But the deed was done.

On the car ride home I let my husband know that I already took care of all our Christmas shopping and that there would be a surprise waiting for him at the house. HE...WENT...BALLISTIC. I've never heard anything like it, and I seriously thought he was either going to have a heart attack or find me and strangle me. (Did I mention we already have 2 dogs and a cat?  Yeah I know I did but I thought I'd say it again.) 

Pure primal fear washed over me. I called the store to ask if I could return the dog. My kids screamed and the store refused to take him back. I was royally screwed.

I started calling friends and family members for advice. The typical response was, and I quote, "What the FUCK were you thinking?" I had no answer. I kind of pictured a movie moment where the Dad says "NO DOGS!" but once he sees the puppy his heart melts and he caves in. Then the whole family has a big group hug.  Real life doesn't always work out like a Disney movie.

Once my husband calmed down, he decided to use my impulsiveness and lack of judgment to his advantage. My daughters and I were all required to sign contracts promising everything from cooking dinner 4 times a week, to practicing multiplication tables daily.

He's also bossing us all around. I guess I deserve it.

Bottom line is, I have to kiss ass for the rest of my life.  The good news is, my kids are sooo happy.  But Mom's gonna pay.  BIG TIME.

To be continued...


An unwelcome distraction..

The other day I had my annual mammogram at a "breast center."

I always picture getting bad news at these things, so I was a little tense.

As I sat in the waiting room playing with my CrackBerry I noticed a foul odor. It smelled really gross, like rotten milk, or...dog shit. I checked my foot and indeed it smelled like dog shit, because it WAS dog shit. All over the bottom of my brand new chocolate brown Ugg tall boots. DAMN!

I had to run into the bathroom, remove my boots and spend 10 minutes rinsing them, rubbing them with with paper towels and soap, rinsing and repeating. That stuff was completely embedded in the soles of the boots, like spackle. I was gagging.

I'm sure the lady next to me in the waiting room really enjoyed smelling my 100 lb. Lab's poo while she waited to see if she has a tumor. Maybe in some small way, I helped her to worry less about her results while she concentrated on the stench wafting from the bottom of my boot.

The good news is, I was so busy scraping the canine excrement off my boot, that my cancer fears evaporated in a cloud of stink.

When I emerged from the Ladies Room with a clean fresh boot, it was my turn to go in.

The bad news is, they changed their policy at the BREAST CENTER and I won't get my results for 10 days. I miss the old days when I could wait and walk out feeling like I dodged a bullet for another year.

Now here's my public service announcement. Don't forget to do routine breast exams. Get your yearly mammogram if you're over 40. And if you have dogs, make sure you walk around your yard with a shovel EVERY DAY.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.


I think I need to start trying harder.

I received the following e-mail this afternoon:


Our editors recently reviewed your blog and have given it a 7.7 score out of (10) in the Personal category of Blogged.com.

This is quite an achievement!

We evaluated your based on the following criteria: Frequency of Updates, Relevance of Content, Site Design, and Writing Style.

After carefully reviewing each of these criteria, your site was given its 7.7 score.


Please accept my congratulations on a blog well-done!!


Amy Liu

Marketing Department



I have no idea how they got my blog. If anyone has a clue let me know.

So...I headed on over to Blogged to see what the heck their website is all about.

When I saw my rating, I was a bit insulted. After all a 7.7 out of 10 doesn't sound so great. (Wouldn't that be a C in school?) After hopping around the Blogged website,I was pleased to discover, I was in great company. They have a really great selection of blogs.

Go check it out, you might find a cool new blog that you've never seen. There are tons of blogs that are way better than mine. (Can you believe it?) It took a hell of alot of scrolling through the "EXCELLENT" and "GREAT" sections to get down to my little old blog in the "VERY GOOD" category.

My new goal in life, after I get all my closets and drawers organized, is to get my rating up from a pitiful "C" to at least a B +. Wish me luck.

(Okay Amy, I gave your website a plug...now can you give me a "REALLY, REALLY GOOD" rating??)

Footnote: If any of you got this e-mail too, let me know, I'm curious!!

Now, it's time to do me a favor. I'll owe you if you do. Click on the icon above and rate me better than a 7.7. I need it up to at least an 8.0. 7.7 is pitiful.


Some nights I lie awake and ponder...

Why oh why do men feel the need to take 5 minutes to back into a parking spot "because it makes pulling out quicker?"

Help me out here, I've gotta get some sleep!

Footnote:  I'm reading your comments and determining that backing into a parking spot isn't exclusively a "guy thing."  I'm still wondering though...WHY?


The answer to yesterday's riddle...

Congratulations to Just Ask Beth. She nailed my riddle EXACTLY.

A "sexual intellectual" is a FUCKING KNOW IT ALL.

Here's the definition according to Urban Dictionary

A person who is clearly a fucking know-it-all. A blend of a smart ass and a douche bag - overall an annoying person that no one can stand.

Many of you came close to the second definition which is:

A person who knows a lot about sex. Not just having it (though that is the best way to learn), but also on a scientific and intellectual level. This person knows about and can discuss sex from a practical point of view.

I loved all your attempts at guessing. What a clever bunch.

If you haven't been over to Urban Dictionary you simply must pay them a visit.

They can teach you some really funny terms, such as Crop Dusting (farting while walking) or fo shizzle my nizzle which expresses agreement with a friend or cohort.

For example..."Would you like a cup of chamomile tea?"

"Fo shizzle my nizzle!!!"

Who says reading Caffeine Court isn't educational?

Probably some "sexual intellectual!"


Today's Riddle...

A friend of mine's father used to call her mother a "sexual intellectual." 

 They are now divorced.  

What is a "sexual intellectual?"


Today is the deadline to sign up!

"Adam Sandler here, reminding you to sign up for the "Caffeine Court November Get Organized Challenge!"

The deadline for this contest has been extended to December 1st. (cause it's a Monday)

That's the day when our lovely and fair judge will look at your before and after shots and determine our Grand Prize Winner!

Here's who's on board:

Tara R., Simply Not So, More, More, More (Kerry), Mama Wheaton, Karen, Alexis Black, The Mrs., Mrs. K., Mrs. D., Maureen, Impoverished Preppy, High on Hairspray, The Pink Putter, Smart A$$ Mom, and Mommytime

Remember, whoever does the most organizing gets a whopping $75.00 Southern Living at HOME gift certificate! (audience applause)

A gorgeous Hadley Pollet knock off belt sewn by Jill, in the Caffeine Court sweatshop will go to the person who inspires us most during the month with comments or posts giving us helpful tips and examples of clean and tidy closets and drawers. (audience oohs and ahhhs!)

So get on it ladies!!! Imagine all the wonderful things you'll find under the junk in your walk in closet!!! (Remember those cute boots you bought at Marshall's last year? They're in there somewhere!!!)

Have a super productive weekend!!"


A break from the daily grind.

I did this again because I didn't realize I could do this cool collage effect.  Damn...all the cutting and pasting I did was for nothing!  Try it this way.  So fun.  Okay...back to the sewing machine.  Then I have to play tennis from 8-10 tonight.  Shit.

I also have to pack.  We're heading to Maryland early in the morning to visit my sister.  (The one without a blog.)

P.S.  I am still cracking up that Adam Sandler is my closest celeb look alike.  I guess better him than Chris Farley.

My celeb look alikes!

Since all the cool kids are doing MyHeritage face recognition I thought I'd give it a shot.  

The center photo is the one I used.  The celebrity I most resemble?  Adam Sandler  It's weird because I always thought that when I looked in the mirror.  Now it's confirmed by the experts.

The runners up (in order)...Holly Hunter, Glenn Close, Debra Winger and Sheryl Crow.
What do you think?Which one do I look the most like?  

Try it and let me know your results.

Oh and to my little troupe of organizers, don't let this little diversion keep you from your tasks!   Once you're done, get back to work.  I'll be compiling the list of participants this weekend.  Hugs.


What I've Been Up To...(other than organizing, voting and all the usual Hoo Haa)

I am so proud of my blogging buddies who have decided to take my "Organization Challenge."

It takes guts to show the world what a slob you are!!  But hey, we're all in this together.  YAY US!
I'm going to show you what I've been working on late into the night, while I should be on the computer commenting on all your wonderful blogs.

This, my friends, is what I've been doing.

You guessed it, I've been in my sweatshop sewing belts.  Big belts, little belts, belts of every shape and size.  Why, you ask?  Well....in a fit of A.D.D.  I decided to make ribbon belts a la Hadley Pollet for friends and family.  As gifts.  One of my friends who has far more faith in me than I do decided I should sell these suckers and she signed me up for our "PTO Vendor Nite" this Monday.  The pressure is on folks.  

Making something on a whim and giving it out is one thing.  Actually laying them on a table and standing there while discerning shoppers eye up my handicrafts is quite another.  

Soooo I've been slaving away, sewing, making little labels for my gift bags, figuring out pricing. The works.  

Come Monday night I'll see if all my hard work brings in a profit, or if for the next five years I'll be giving belts out as gifts for every occasion.  

I hope my mailman likes to accessorize!!!


Get your priorities straight people!

I know you're all excited about today's election.  You're probably going to stand in line to cast your vote...but seriously, let's get our priorities straight!

Your closets are messy!  Aren't you ashamed?  Did you spend 20 minutes looking for a matching pair of socks this morning?

Let's get cracking ladies.  Forget the polls.  There are plenty of other people voting today!

Sign up for my November challenge!  The deadline for "cleaner registration" is this Friday!

Look what I did!

This is my guest room closet.  I couldn't find my camera for the before picture..but trust me.  It was a mess.  This is a HUGE improvement.

Check out what Tara did already!!

Show me what you're made of.  Democrats AND Republicans agree, neat closets are patriotic!!!

Since I hate to exclude anyone....if you're already really neat and organized show us your stuff. We need guidance.  I'll throw in one of my adorable hand made Hadley Pollet knock off belts (retail $40) to the best role model.  (Trust me - these belts are cute!)

Oh and if you INSIST on voting, please vote for John McCain.

Thanks and have a great, ORGANIZED day!


I'll show you mine, if you show me yours!!! (And..you could win a prize!!)

As you know, November is officially, "Get My Shit Together" month.

It pains me to do this, but I am going to shame myself into getting organized.

Here are some examples of areas that desperately need my attention.

The kids' game closet...

The kitchen pantry...

Trust me, there are lots of other areas that need to be completely overhauled. But I'm starting here.

Here's my challenge. Take pictures of your problem areas. Post them on your blog and then we can cheer each other on to clean up our messes!

It's embarrassing as hell, but I'm hoping we can support each other.

Let me know if you decide to join me in my quest for organization. I need to know I'm not alone!!

Oh and P.S. Whoever accomplishes the most in November wins a fabulous prize. What's the prize?

First and foremost, it's the pride you will feel when you open your closets and know exactly where everything goes. It will change your life.

Second, it's a $75 gift certificate from Southern Living at HOME.

You heard it right. Now calm down.

I am the judge for this contest. I promise to be fair and impartial.

So post your before photos and let me know you're on board.

Deadline for signing up is this Friday, November 7th.

Footnote: Here are the specific contest rules. You must commit to the challenge by Friday, November 7th. On November 30th leave a comment and I will come to your blog and look at your before and after photos. The gift certificate will go to the person who transformed the most areas in their home. Good luck ladies (and Dr. Zibbs).


As per your request...Halloween with "The Boss"

Here are some pictures from Springsteen's house last year.  Every year is a different theme. Last year it was a Western/Cowboy theme.

At night it's way better!!  (Strobe lights, smoke machines, skeletons moving, crows and bats flapping in the trees.)  Too bad it's over.
I have more pictures from other years, I'll see if I can find them.  But since I have a short attention span, don't count on it.

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