5.30.2008

What a lame excuse...

This morning I asked my 4 year old daughter to brush her teeth. I went in the other room to do a few things, when I returned to the bathroom, she was sitting on the edge of the tub, playing her Nintendo DS. Her toothbrush sat untouched.

"Catherine," I said..."Did you brush your teeth?!"

Her reply, "I'm too busy battling a troll."

I guess warriors don't care if they have cavities.


5.27.2008

Why Can't I Be You?

Another week has flown by and Terrible Tuesday is upon us! I'm almost at the bottom of the seven deadly sins list...I've covered the top five sins I'm guilty of in order of relevance...vanity, sloth greed and wrath and gluttony. Next on the list...the green eyed monster!

I think envy is one of the most destructive of the seven deadly sins.
It eats away and people and makes them really mean. When I find myself not liking someone, I ask myself if I envy them in some way.

I did a little research on ENVY and came up with some pretty interesting information.

According to Wikipedia...

"Envy may be defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.

It can also derive from a sense of low self-esteem that results from an upward social comparison threatening a person's self image: another person has something that the envier considers to be important to have. If the other person is perceived to be similar to the envier, the aroused envy will be particularly intense, because it signals to the envier that it just as well could have been him or her who had the desired."

Amen to that . I see if everyday in my town that seems to run on keeping up with the Joneses. If Joe gets a Porshe, Jim needs to get a Porshe Turbo, whether he can afford it or not. So sad.


Betrand Russell, a famous philosopher and writer said that envy was is of the most potent causes of unhappiness. It is a universal and most unfortunate aspect of human nature because not only is the envious person rendered unhappy by his envy, but also wishes to inflict misfortune on others. PRETTY DAMN DESTRUCTIVE.

So when I find myself looking at someone else's vacation home, flawless skin, or undefeated tennis record and I feel the green eyed monster creeping up on me I remind myself that I am really lucky to have what I do and to be who I am.

Then I stand in front of the mirror, like Stuart Smiley from Saturday Night Live, and I say to myself...

"Hey, I might not look like Angelina Jolie, or have a backhand like Maria Sharapova...my home is not perfectly decorated, some of my friends have full time cleaning ladies and take trips to Europe over Spring Break. THOSE B-TCHES!!! Wait a minute...It's normal to have these feelings-I just need to love myself...I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. I am a worthy human being with many strengths and some weaknesses...and...that's...okay."

Then I take a Valium, and I feel MUCH BETTER.

Hop on over to Lunanik's blog to check out her latest take on the Seven Deadlies. I PROMISE I won't be jealous if you do!

Next week...LUST (Mom and Dad-you should not read this one...I don't want to freak you out!)


5.25.2008

It's all cool...

Just so y'all know. I saw all the parties involved in the post I took down yesterday, and no one seemed mad at me. So I think I'm off the hook. PHEW.

I was a little stressed out about that one.

Sometimes I think I'd like to start up an anonymous blog, just so I can write my REAL opinions on life. I try to be as honest as possible here, but let's face it. I have to sugarcoat a blog read by my parents, aunts and uncles, husband and some of his co-workers. If I told the world all about my S & M fetish (oops) it might reflect poorly on our family's untarnished reputation.

When I was single I wrote and performed comedy, and my specialty was acerbic observational humor. I had nothing to lose-so I said whatever I thought. It was fun-I made some enemies, but all my friends were my friends based on complete truth.

I'm not saying I'm fake now, but I do watch my step way more than I ever have. Now that I have children and a husband who's lives can be affected by my behaviour I feel I need to respect them. PLUS, I'm not the drama junkie I once was.

I have a neighbor who is a complete drama queen. She thrives on it, and feels that it's her DUTY to tell everyone EXACTLY what she thinks, and it's not really working for her.

So anyway...now you know, I have all kinds of secret thoughts I'm afraid to voice, for fear of stirring the suburban pot that I live in.


In conclusion, hope you are all enjoying this wonderful Memorial Day weekend, in your nice center hall colonial houses, with your adorable children dressed impeccably in patriotic clothing, drinking lemonade and eating hot dogs with a big old smile on your face. I know I will be!


5.23.2008

A Caffeine Court Retraction....


Some of you may have noticed that I removed my post from yesterday. My husband read it and asked me if I was worried someone who knows me would see it and get mad at me.


When he first said it I was not concerned at all. After all, the only people I know personally who read my blog are members of my family.


A few hours later, I started getting paranoid. It's such a small world, and you really never know who's reading your blog-even if they aren't commenting.


Then I started having visions of my post being printed out and read to me by one of the offending parties. If any of the people I wrote about read my post-I would be in deep shit. The events were so specific, there would be no denying that I wrote it.


I couldn't get the computer, because I was out all day, and it was freaking me out!


I came to the conclusion that writing an entertaining gossipy, venting, post about other people, no matter how vague I might be about their identities, could make my life very complicated.


So, I took it down. Now I can only pray that for the 36 hours my post was up, no one involved saw it. Let's hope I learned a valuable lesson on this one. You know what they say..."The pen is mightier than the sword." Let's hope my pen (or more accurately my keyboard) doesn't end up cutting me in the throat. (While it's stabbing others in the back!)


How about you? Has your blog every landed you in hot water? Did you ever find out that someone who knew you was reading your blog and not telling you? Am I dead meat? Should I sell my house and get the heck out of Dodge?
What a tangled web I have weaved!!!



5.20.2008

Terrible Tuesday: Gluttony


I can't believe it's Terrible Tuesday already !

I'm getting closer to the bottom of my 7 deadly sins list. So far I've covered vanity, sloth greed a
nd wrath. My next sin: GLUTTONY

What it is:
Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

Why you do it: Because you were weaned improperly as an infant.

Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be force-fed rats, toads, and snakes.

Associated symbols & suchlike: Gluttony is linked with the pig and the color orange. (Sorry Clemson Girl)

Most people associate gluttony with eating to0 much, but as you can see, gluttony can pertain to lots of things other than food. What am I a GLUTTON for? Let's see. The first thing that comes to mind is caffeine. I start my day with a cup of coffee and a Diet Coke. For a little variety I throw in tea, iced coffee, or a Starbuck's Cinnamon Dulce Latte. I continue to consume various forms of this stimulant throughout the day, with my last dose at approximately 7 PM. I KNOW it's not good for me, but I don't smoke, rarely drink and I don't do drugs-so as far as vices go-I don't feel too bad about it. (Although my boobs hurt all the time...and my OB/GYN says it's definitely because of the OBSCENE amounts of caffeine I imbibe each and everyday.) Sore boobs be damned. I love it-and I'm not giving it up!

I am also an enabler for my daughters' gluttony. They have so many Webkinz that I won't even list the amount on this blog-for fear that my husband will smother me with them in my sleep.

I am a glutton for tennis. When someone asks me to play I have to remind myself that I have MANY other responsibilities-much more pressing than a game of doubles.

I'm a glutton for "The Tudors," when time permits, my blog, talking on the phone and Swedish Fish. Honestly, I am a glutton for so many things-I could go on all day!

How's about you? What are you a GLUTTON for? (Other than reading Caffeine Court!)

If you want to check out some other bloggers' takes on the Seven Deadly Sins-click the Terrible Tuesday link above. There's never a dull moment on Lunanik's blog!


5.18.2008

Lost in the Abyss Part I

I have been unable to sit at my computer long enough to write a post-even one of my famous "filler posts" for the past few days. I have been completely caught up in a whirlwind of activity the past few days...and today is my time to BREATH!


My first distraction was a big tennis match on Thursday. I played singles and the pressure was on. God was very kind to me that day. My opponent was a hard hitter who didn't like to run. All I had to do was hit the ball a few steps away from her...and she crumbled. I won 6-0 6-2. There were lots of people watching-so it was a good moment for me. I'll ride high on this victory until the next match. If I lose, I'll be on the shit list until I win again. That's how this team tennis things works. Sounds like fun right?


Here's a funny little story...two girls on my team are young (early 30's) and in great shape. One of them was a Rockette and a dancer on Broadway. Her partner is a runner and generally all muscle. Their opponents: a 68 year old and a 77 year old. Both wearing knee braces. As we all know, appearances can be deceiving. These two old women have played doubles together for 30 years, and they were a force to be reckoned with! The match was over in a heartbeat...and the senior citizen team defeated the young hotties 6-2 6-4. Which goes to show there's hope for all of us...and maybe someday I'll play tennis against a person 42 years my junior-AND WIN. One can only hope.


More on my whereabouts later. I'm going to spend some quality time with my family.

How have YOU been?


5.14.2008

Did I give you the wrong idea?

I want to make a few clarifications regarding my "Anger Management" post.

No, I have never keyed a car, nor have I ever let the air out of some one's tire. I've never hit a car with a rock. (Snowballs and eggs, yes-rocks-NEVER!)

Have I WANTED to key a car? Hell yeah. It would have shocked the crap out of those parking spot stealing teens if I had f-ed with their car. But I didn't. I didn't even pour my chocolate milkshake all over the hood of their car like I wanted to. Why? Because despite my anger-I am civilized and have a fear of the law. The fun of getting revenge on those girls wouldn't be worth a lawsuit, or one of my neighbors witnessing my act of vandalism.

As Franklin P. Jones once said..."Nothing makes it easier to resist temptation than a proper bringing-up, a sound set of values, and witnesses."

Amen to that.

(Oh and by the way...if you're wondering who Franklin P. Jones is...well, no one is really sure, but he has a lot of famous quotes...I guess he was just a clever, witty person-just like us!)


5.13.2008

Anger Management



Another week has flown by - and it's time for me and my posse to talk about our sins. So far I've covered vanity, sloth and greed, this week, I take on WRATH.












You want to know what pisses me off? Well I'll tell you. It really annoys me when I have my daughters' friends over, buy them ice cream from the ice cream truck, take them to the park, let them play on the Wii, and then later on when I tell them it's time for bed, my daughters call me MEAN. That absolutely ticks me off.

Or when I volunteer with a large group to complete a task our children's school and only 2 out of 20 people actually do ANYTHING. That REALLY gets my goat.

Or when I wait patiently for a parking spot at the mall and just as I'm about to pull, in a car full of teenage girls whip into the spot ahead of me. That my friends, is grounds for me to take a key to the nice red paint job on their Chrysler LeBaron. (Or if I'm in a good mood, I'll just let the air out of their tires.)

But the thing that really puts me over the edge is when people drive in their SUVs talking on their cell phones 40 miles per hour down my narrow street that is PACKED with little children. If you want to see a lady scream, you should try it sometime. I'll come after you with guns blazing. These people are so damn self absorbed, rushing to get to their manicures or appointment with a personal trainer. GOD FORBID, a child runs in the road. I've got news for these Bozos..."Running over a 4 year old might make you late for your facial appointment wench!! So maybe you should consider slow the F down...or you'll have to deal with one pissed off housewife, hyped up on caffeine and wielding an over sized tennis racket."

Take that b-tches.


Okay-so as you can see-I have some anger issues. And yes-WRATH is one of the deadly sins. There are so many ways it can kill you. Hold it in too much-and you have a heart attack...let it out and someone shoots you in the head. The solution...inner peace. The world is full of inconsiderate oafs. I'm sure I've been called one a few times myself. So rather than hate, let's all recite the words of the His Holiness the Dalai Lama

"When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace."

So the next time some dude drives down YOUR quiet little street going 50 miles per hour, remember the words of the Dalai Lama...AND THEN NAIL THE MOFO's CAR WITH A BIG OLD ROCK.


Next week: Gluttony...stay tuned.


5.12.2008

This never gets old...GOOGLE ANALYTICS!

I took a litle trip into my Google Analytics report and came up with some interesting new keywords which led readers to Caffeine Court. The newest list is as follows: (my comments are in bold.)

pathological lying ("Honey, these shoes aren't new-I bought them last year!")

alone time more enjoyable than family time (ouch-now that one just plain hurts)

be cool, not psycho (that's my motto)

celebrity cellulite (Suburban New Jersey housewife cellulite would be more accurate)

long cleavage (Hmmm...I guess it's better than "long butt crack.")

14 year old breasts (that one freaked me out! Remind me to delete all photos of my children from this blog IMMEDIATELY)

PMS causing divorce (that one came from my husband)

Is it okay to have a one night stand on a business trip? (ANOTHER ONE from my husband! Come on dude-I'm onto you!!)

Just wanna see some breasts (another strange one-possibly from my husband.)

man runs over wife Wal-Mart (in my case that would be Target)

over 40 camel toe (I seriously don't think I've ever discussed camel toe on my blog-so how the hell did that end up in my keywords?...Is that the same person looking for "Long Cleavage?")

psycho tennis mom (finally-one that makes sense!)

puke on hard wood (with 2 dogs and a cat it's pretty much my life!)

tennis tragedies (I experience them everyday.)

If you haven't signed up for Google Analytics yet-DO IT...you will crack up when you see the nutty stuff that leads viewers to your blog.

Oh and one more thing-It's my birthday-go me-it's my birthday-go me!!! (I'm so bored-someone get me some ice cream cake...PRONTO!)


5.11.2008

Stranded on Mother's Day...


My husband is such a sweet guy. About an hour ago he took my daughters out to give me some "Mom Time" alone. I was all psyched to run to Marshall's and try and find a $40 Ed Hardy t-shirt. Unfortunately, he took my car and he has the keys to his car with him. So I'm stranded.






My loss is your gain...because now you get to hear all about my weekend so far! (Lucky you.)

Okay, here goes...

Yesterday we took the girls to Rainforest Cafe. Have you ever been there? Kid heaven, parent hell. I was thrilled to see how happy my girls were when we got there. Of course there was a huge gift shop right up front...there were snakes and butterflies hanging from the trees, fog and rain dripping down from the ceiling. It was like a little piece of Disney right here in Jersey!


The hostess seated us at a table right near the gorillas. I thought that was a good thing. Suddenly, the Congo drums started beating, the trees started shaking and the apes pounded their chests. My 4 year old daughter, who is normally really brave LOST IT! She looked like an antelope being chased by a lion! She started trembling and crying and then booked out the door! We couldn't convince her to come back into the restaurant, so I suggested we go to The Cheescake Factory. Well THAT idea almost pushed my 8 year old over the edge. Sooo, Dad and Catherine went to the food court and older sis and I sat down for an overpriced meal in the Rainforest.

After that fiasco, we decided to go see "Speed Racer." We purchased 4 tickets and as we entered the theater I had an epiphany! What the hell was I doing going to see "Speed Racer" on my Mother's Day/birthday weekend?!

Hubby agreed to watch the movie with the girls while I had 2 hours of uninterrupted shopping time. FUN! FUN!



I got a really cool makeup kit from Lorac at Sephora. It's called the "Hollywood Heat Set." Lots of fun stuff including a blush/bronzer duo, delicious lip gloss and a gorgeous eye shadow trio. All for only $35. I got the last one, so rush to Sephora NOW and grab one before they sell out!





I also hit the Steve & Barry's store and checked out Sarah Jessica Parker's "Bitten" line. Some of the stuff was really cheap looking, but I got some really cool sunglasses-a total knock off of the Coach Cordelia sunglasses for $8.00. I also got an awesome gold tone locket on a really long chain that doesn't look cheap at all for $7.00-BONUS!


This morning I slept in until 10:30! What the hell is wrong with me?! I loved it though. I can't wait until next year to do it again!


Okay, well this post killed about a half hour of my time. I guess I'll surf the net and check out some of your blogs until the troops come home...or maybe I can hitchhike to Marshall's. Or I could paint the 50 African pots in my basement for next week's Art Show-NAAAH...

How was your Mom's Day?


5.09.2008

I just said NO...

Every two years my school district has a "Kitchen Tour" to raise money for our schools. It's always a fantastic event.

The committee that puts it together gets chefs, florists and decorators to create a theme based on the kitchen's style. (i.e. French Bakery or Asian Flair). Hundreds of people pay to come and the tour raises huge amounts of money. All in all, as Martha would say, "It's a good thing."

This year, one of my friends who is on the board of our Education Foundation asked me if I'd like to have my kitchen on the tour. Usually when someone asks me to help out I think at least one second before I give my answer.

In this case, my answer was MORE THAN instantaneous... I just said (quite emphatically) "NO!"
First of all, I was surprised she even asked me. Yes, we do have a great kitchen. We redid our home three years ago after living with a kitchen the size of a postage stamp with a stove that didn't really work, and a bad decor straight out of the seventies. Basically we lived in a cute old house in desperate need of work until I was forty. FINALLY, after living here ten years, we had the means to make the house into what it is today. It's really nice, but truth be told, in my town, my house is rather ordinary. (I'm not complaining-just speakin' the truth.)

The houses on the tour are always dream homes from top to bottom. As I already said, we live in a great house, on a small lot that we absolutely love-but there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm going to open myself up to 500 people, including architects, decorators and builders parading through my home critiquing it. The thought makes my blood run cold. I swear to you, I would rather stand naked on stage in front of 500 people and have them critique by bod. (Which would also be a nightmare, but that's another post)

Anyway, I politely thanked my friend for the compliment, and offered to help in ANY OTHER way.

The days leading up to the tour solidified for me how wise my choice was. I watched my friends who agreed to display their kitchens run around like chickens...landscapers, window washers, cleaning people and electricians were all called in to make already gorgeous homes BEYOND perfect.

All in all, it was a nice day, it raised over $75,000 for the school, I helped out and I dodged a MAJOR BULLET.

And I have no regrets.


5.08.2008

Caution-Quaint Filler Post Ahead-Proceed with Low Expectations!


Nothing worse than a big ol' bouquet of carnations and baby's breath...yuk.






Do you know what I love about this time of year? All the e-mails I receive from various stores reminding me of all the ways to "Pamper Mom" this Mother's Day.

I guess these retailers are onto the fact that Mom usually buys her own Mother's Day gifts -so I'm bombarded with special offers on spa treatments, perfumes, jewelry and clothing.

Mother's Day week is always a big week for me, because my birthday is on the 12th. So I get all my special gifts and pampering (in theory) at the same time of the year, every year.

My Mother's Day tradition? Planting flowers. I like to buy perennials, or flowering bushes and plant them on Mother's Day. Then I can look at the flowers and remember planting them with my daughters. When my mom lived local we used to do it together.

How about you? Do you have any special Mother's Day traditions?


5.06.2008

Sin Sisters



I'm on hiatus from the sin talk until next Tuesday. In case you haven't heard, Lunanik at Secrets of a Black Heart liked my SIN SERIES so much that she decided to take the ball and run with it.


She came up with a great idea Terrible Tuesday-where bloggers write about their sins and then add their link to so everyone can compare weaknesses. So far it's been a blast reading other people's perspectives own their own vices.

The only problem...I read some of the other SINS posts and they are fabulous. So inspired! So deep! So intellectual!

If posts were meals, they would be a full course gourmet meal at Lut├Ęce.

My posts, on the other hand, are the blogging equivalent of a bag of Cheetos. Full of empty brain calories. But that's okay. We all need a few Cheetos with our Chateaubriand!

If you want to jump the Terrible Tuesday bandwagon, and tell us all about your transgressions, cruise on over to Luna's website every Tuesday and join the link! I can't wait to hear your dirty little secrets.

When the seven weeks are up, we can move to the Ten Commandments.

Today I broke the eleventh commandment..."Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's post." Hop on over to Luna's blog and you'll see why!


More greed...

If you sign up for this PayPal type service-you get $25.00. Seriously it takes a few minutes and it's totally worth it. I might just go get a manicure/pedicure with my free money!

I did it a few days ago and just transfered my $25.00 into my account. If you sign up through my link I get $10.00 for the referral. Try it! You might make a few extra bucks!

(For yourself and for your buddy Jill at Caffeine Court!)


Refer A Friend using Revolution Money Exchange


5.05.2008

Gimme Gimme!


Moving on to my number three in the Caffeine Court Sin Series-GREED!


I'm a Taurus, and Taureans are famous for their love of the finer things in life. I have to admit I'd love to have a Cartier Tank Watch or a gorgeous Louis Vuitton Galliera bag or a Range Rover, or perhaps a new diamond and platinum eternity band.


My birthday is next week, so if you all chip in I'm sure you could get me a nice pair of diamond earrings. I didn't just say that...did I??? See what I mean??! Greed I tell you!!! It's a terrible sin. (Since I don't have any of these things-would it be more accurate to call it ENVY?)

Anyway-I've never gotten myself into trouble buying a $15,000 watch or a $5,000 ring. It's the small stuff that gets me into hot water. Some of my biggest temptations are Target, Marshall's, Pottery Barn, any specialty supermarket like Wegman's, the Bobbi Brown makeup counter, Webkinz (thanks to my very persistent daughter)...and the mall...FAGETABOUT IT! I live in New Jersey for god's sake! The shopping opportunities are so bountiful!

I find that the best way to keep my desire to acquire cute clothes, expensive lipstick and gourmet cookies is to avoid their sources entirely. Running into Target to pick up some dog food and paper towels is like letting a three year old loose in a candy store. Isaac Mizrahi, Mossimo and Cynthia Rowley beckon me like a siren's song. I can hear them - calling to me...luring me to crash on the sharp rocks of financial ruin seventy five dollars at a time.

So I go to these stores as infrequently as possible. (But it's sooo hard to do...I really LOVE scouring the racks of TJ Maxx searching for an amazing find!!)

I try to distract myself from my desire to acquire more material possessions with other activities, like team tennis, volunteering at school and having my children's friends over for play dates. Which leads me to tomorrow's subject-ANGER. How is ANGER related to tennis, volunteering and play dates? Stay tuned my friends.



5.04.2008

American Idle


Moving right along here...let's talk about the sin I'm second most guilty of-SLOTH. The Webster's dictionary definition of sloth is "Disinclination to action or labor, sluggishness, laziness, idleness."

If we were to go by that definition, I am in fact, not sloth like. I love to play tennis, blog, run around town doing errands, arrange flowers, cut the grass and volunteer for various school activities. I would say my sin is SELECTIVE SLOTH.

There are certain duties that take every ounce of my energy and discipline to complete. One example is finishing laundry, I have no problem washing clothes and getting them into the dryer, folding them is a little harder, but I usually manage to get it done. It's PUTTING THE LAUNDRY AWAY that I suck at. I just can't seem to finish the job. It's a curse.

Another example of this is mailing birthday cards. I call people on their birthdays and when I see them I always have a gift that I put a great deal of thought into. For some reason I just can't get my sh--t together enough to buy a card, write a note in it, look up the address, write it, put a stamp on it, and mail it.

There are countless examples of this SELECTIVE SLOTH in my life. Much to my husband's chagrin. The biggest thorn in his side are 3 large Rubbermaid containers in our bedroom, full of clothing he wants me to sort through. As much as I'd like to just toss them, I'm afraid there might be something worth keeping in them, so there they sit, untouched and my husband is ready to flip his lid. I tell him to practice the art of meditation and inner peace. That when he sees these containers he should recite the Serenity Prayer,

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

And he can add these lines:

When I married my wife,
I knew she was not organized,
nor was she a great housekeeper.
Thank you oh Lord,
for the great strides she has made
in our ten years of marriage.
May she continue on her quest
for order and cleanliness
and someday, if it be your will,
may she clean out these Rubbermaid containers
and remove them from our marital chamber

AMEN


Luckily I do manage to do the important stuff like feeding and bathing my children, keeping them and myself, healthy, making sure they they get to school everyday and that they learn how to be productive members of society.

So I won't be too hard on myself, after all, in the words of the Queen of Sloth, Roseanne,
"There's alot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of alot more to being a mother than people suspect."


Amen to that sister.


5.03.2008

You're so vain...(don't worry, we ALL are!)


If you read this blog regularly than you know all about my SEVEN DEADLY SINS series.

Today, I'll start with the sin-I feel most guilty of...VANITY.

Beauty and fashion are such HUGE industries and there is tons of pressure for women to look good. I've said this before, but after a certain age, you have to do some work to look halfway decent. (According to society ) This isn't anything new. Women have been "required" to look good since the beginning of time.

This is undocumented, but the first cave women would use dinosaur blood for blush and lipstick and would fashion woolly mammoth furs into berets and bikinis (see Raquel Welsh in "1 Million BC") in order to attract the cavemen who had the nicest caves and the most meat.
(Is one of the SEVEN DEADLY sins making up false facts on your blog?)

Things like moisturizer, manicures, pedicures, highlights, haircuts, makeup and cute clothing add up. Would life be better if we all had just a few pairs of jeans, only Ivory Soap in our medicine chest and felt content with our wrinkles and flabby thighs?

I truly think it would be a fabulous if women didn't feel the need to get cut open, stabbed with needles and covered in hot wax to look the way society says we SHOULD look. (No comments from the plastic surgeons in the peanut gallery-please!)

My friends who have had plastic surgery say they "did it for themselves-because they deserve it." Interesting perspective, to say that you deserve to pay someone $15,000 to be put under anesthesia, cut open and then take painkillers for two weeks. My opinion is, they did it for themselves, because society tells them their life will be better if they look better...even if it hurts physically and financially.

What do you think? Are you so vain? Have you had plastic surgery? How much money do you think you spend in a year on how you look? No judgements here my friends... I'm on YOUR side. I'm thinking of leading a revolution. If all you people stop wearing makeup, dying your hair and getting Botox, I will...but not until you do it first.

I sure don't want to be the ugliest housewife on the block.



5.02.2008

What's your poison?


I'm sure you've heard of the seven deadly sins:

Pride, Greed, Envy, Anger, Lust, Gluttony, Sloth

Why do I bring this up? Well, the other day I was in the minivan, at a stop sign, checking out my lipstick in the rear view mirror, as the guy behind me beeped his horn impatiently, I realized my VANITY/PRIDE could cause a car accident. Which got me to thinking about THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS. (My mind works in strange and mysterious ways.)


If I were to rate the sins in order of relevance to my character I would have to say pride/vanity, sloth, greed and anger. I probably spend too much time putting on self tanner, dying my hair and worrying about my wrinkles. I blog a lot (is that slothful?) and I never have all the laundry put away. I love to shop (don't let me anywhere near Target or Pottery Barn with a credit card). And finally, I hate to admit it, but on certain days of the month my kids and husband drive me nuts (especially when they WHINE)-which leads to ANGER!

I'm pretty good about the gluttony, lust and envy thing. I keep my eating under control, I don't cheat on my hubs and I'm happy with who I am.

I'm going to do a separate post on each sin, and get into more detail on why I'm guilty of all of them. (Some more than others). I thought I'd start broad and then get more specific as my SEVEN DEADLY SINS series continues.

So, now it's your turn to confess ..which of these sins are you guilty of...AND WHY?!

Oh and by the way, I know my posts are full of grammatical errors, but I'm too SLOTHFUL to do anything about it!


FOOTNOTE: Stella came up with the idea of having someone else tell you what they think your biggest sin is. Sounds like a fun drinking game to me! Next time you are at a get together ask your buddies to name each other's sins. Make sure you check your EGO/PRIDE at the door, or you may experience some ANGER...which could lead to a fight and possible fisticuffs, someone could end up getting injured or killed, which would indeed prove that these sins are, in fact, DEADLY.


5.01.2008

I love my husband!

As you know, I 've been really into the whole "Tudors" thing. As I've watched the movies and TV show and read the books I've done some reflecting on my own life. Here's what I've come up with...



I am so happy to be a suburban New Jersey housewife and not the Queen of England...especially with a husband like King Henry VIII. What a psycho!


First of all, he did NOT look like Eric Bana or Jonathan Rhys Meyers-he was a fat, gross, slob with a big oozing sore on his leg! (Some of my more educated readers have commented that King Henry was at one time quite a hottie. I stand corrected...he might have been a hunk in his early years, but boy did he let himself go!!)












He had to be kept entertained all the time, and he blamed his wives when they couldn't have male children! (Meanwhile-he was the one shooting out all those X chromosomes!)

When he liked his wives, he would do anything for them, including renouncing Catholicism and forming a whole new church, and executing anyone who didn't agree with him.


When he got sick of his wives he didn't just spend too much time at the office or playing golf...not this dude. If his wife was annoying him-WATCH OUT! Exile, annulment-or a blow to the neck with a hatchet!


So Brad, my darling husband, if you are reading this...sometimes you get on my nerves..when you don't like the pasta I made for dinner, or when you don't have black socks in the morning. I know I'm a pain in the a-- when I rag on you, or when I don't stay within "the budget." But I thank God everyday that you are cute, you don't cheat on me and that you didn't blame me or chop my head off when I gave birth to our two precious little daughters. I'm a lucky woman.


Next week I will compare my husband to some other horrible husbands in history...stay tuned for my in depth analysis on Warren Jeffs, Attila the Hun, and Bill Clinton. It's "must read blogging" at it's best!





 
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